One wet day a woman with a dog got on a bus. It was a
very big dog and it's feet were very dirty. The wooman said:
"Oh, conductor, if I pay for my dog can he have a seat like the
other passengers?" The conductor looked at the dog and then he
said: "Certainly, madam, he can have a seat like all the other
passengers, but like the other passengers he mustn't put his
feet on it."
A charwoman in a City office was very proud of her skill
at polishing floors. "When I started working there,"- she told
a friend "the floors were in terrible state. But now it's quite
different since I've been polishing them", she added proudly.
"Three men working there have fallen down. One of them is still
in the hospital with a broken leg."
Charlie Chaplin Competitions often used to be organised
in the USA. The best imitator of the great actor was awarded a
special prise. One such competition was secretly attended
Charlie. Chaplin himself, who took part in the competition.
Great was his surprise when the committee only awarded him the
third prise.
On a fine summer day a farmer, passing by a large tree on
his way home to dinner, saw one of his sons lying and sleeping
in the shade. The farmer woke him up and said angrily: "How can
you sleep here, when all your brothers are working in the
garden? You don't deserve to enjoy the sunlight." "Yes, Father,
you are right, that is why I am lying in the shade."
A dyer in a court of justice had to hold up his hand that
was all black. The judge said to him: "Take off your gloves,
friend!" "Put on your spectacles, Mylord"- answered the dyer.
George the First of England while on journey to his
native kindom stopped at a village in Holland. While fresh
horses were being got ready for him, the king asked 2 or 3
eggs. They were brought him and the price asked was a hundred
florins. "How is "this?"- asked the king, - "Eggs must surely
be very rare here." "Pardon me,"- replied the host, - "eggs are
plentiful enough, but kings are rare here."
A boy bought a twopenny loaf at the baker's. It struck
him that it was much smaller, than usual, so he said to the
baker: "I don't believe the loaf is the right weight." "Oh,
nevert mind,"- answered the baker. "You'll have the less to
carry." "Quite right,"- said the boy and put 3 halfpence on the
counter. Just as he was leaving the shop the baker called out
to him: "I say, Tommy! You haven't given me the price of the
loaf!" "Oh, never mind,"- said the boy, "You'll have the less
to count."
Little Tommy went to the movies. He saw a tribe of
Indians painting their faces and asked his mother why they were
doing so. His mother explained: "Indians always paint their
faces before going to the warpath. "The next evening the mother
sat in the dining-room and entertained her elder daugter's
young man. Suddenly Tommy rushed into the room with wide eyes.
"Mommy,"- he cried,- "let's run away quickly: sister is going
along the warpath."
A seaman on a ship based somewhere far away in the
Pacific recieved a photo from his fiancee. It represented a
scene on the beach: two couples were sitting and laughing
gaily, but his girl was sitting alone sad and lonely. In the
letter she wrote that the photo showed how she was spending her
time while he was away. The seaman was in delight and showed
the photo to his friends. Then one night after looking at the
photo for a long time he asked his friend: "Listen, John, I
wonder, who took the picture?"
A young man decided to study at military school. Several
days after his medical examintion he recieved a wire from the
school: "Regret to inform you, but the test showed that you
have TB and heart trouble. "An hour later he recieved another
wire, saying: "Please, disregard the first wire. Your documents
were confused with that of another applicant. "The young man
wired back: "Sorry, but your wire came too late. I committed
suicide 40 minutes ago."
A foreign tourist in the U.S.A. remarked: "I see that
you, Americans, have great interest in space flights."
"Why do you think so?"- asked his guide.
"I see so many people in the street are looking at the
sky with telescopes."
"Telescopes?"- the guide asked in astonishment, - "They
are drinking beer from bottles."
The plane is ready to start. The passengers are going up.
"Stop!"- shouts the mechanic,- "A gas tank is leaking. We'll
have to fix it before taking off and it will take about an
hour." "An hour's delay!"- commented a soldier. "But then I'll
be late for my ship with my unit going overseras! "When the
pilot heard this, he came to the soldier: "Listen", - he
whispered, looking into his eyes,- "are you the one who drilled
the hole in the gas tank?"
A small boy and his mother are looking through the
family album. A boy takes one of the photographs, representing
a nice looking young man in a smart soldier uniform. He asks:
"Mother, who is this smart soldier?" "That is Daddy", -
answered his mother. The boy kept thinking for a moment, and
then said: "Well, then who is that fat bald-headed civilian
which is leaving with us now?"
An operator is working with a computer. He gave a very
complicated task to computer. Then after a very long time the
computer gave an answer: "Yes". Annoyed at the lack of detail
the operator asked: "Yes what?" "Yes, sir", - answered the
computer.
A man was taken to a hospital after an accident. The
doctor examined him and said, that he could go home the next
day. However, in the morning, the doctor announced: "I think
you'd better stay another day to see if something new turns up.
I didn't know how bad you were banged up until I read about the
accident in the newspapers.
Once a famous Hollywood actress wrote to a famous wit and
dramatist that it was a pity they were not the parents of a
child. What a child it would have been: with her beauty and
with his brains. Bernard Shaw, who was this dramatist,
answered, that supposing the child would have been so unlucky
to have his appearancee and her brains.
The young man approached the counter at which post-cards
were being sold and asked: "Have you anything sentimental?"
- "Here is a lovely one",- answered the shop-girl: "look
here - "to the only girl I ever loved"
- "That's fine, I'll take six of those, please".
. Как принимают на работу.
I finally found a job. My job search skills are much developed, in
preparation for the next time.
Here is some of what I learned.
oct 12 93 tues
In my job search, I have been moderately successful in securing interviews.
I have been interviewed face-to-face about once a week and
face to phone twice a week. However, I have not enjoyed the same success
in landing a job as in landing interviews. I seem more likely to land an
airplane than a job right now. I am growing concerned that I may not be
presenting myself well in interviews. I may not be projecting an
effective combination of confidence, humility, friendliness, honesty, and
sincerity that you need to bluff your way through an interview.
I would like to ask you to help me decide how to answer some of the
questions I am asked in interviews. I am going to show you some typical
interviewer questions with three possible answers for each. I ask that
you indicate the answer you prefer.
The first question is:
Question 1: Tell me about yourself.
Possible Answers:
A. I am a mature software developer with a expertise in electronic
hardware.
B. I used to compose music but now concentrate on reading literature.
C. Out on the highway, my sportscar can outrun any state patrolcar.
Question 2: What kind of job are you looking for?
A. A challenging job in which I can grow and improve.
B. A programming job where I can contribute and make a living.
C. A job where no one minds if you come in a day or two late.
Question 3: Have you ever done this type of job before?
A. Yes, many times and very effectively.
B. Sometimes, as part of other jobs.
C. Sure, if you count watching it on television.
Question 4: Why did you leave your job?
A. I was in an involuntary downsizing with 21% of my department.
B. I was caught in a lay-off.
C. My boss caught me nuzzling his girlfriend.
Question 5: How often did you take sick days?
A. Only when I was too sick or contagious, since giving a virus
to other employees would cost much more than my staying out a day
or two.
B. Now and then.
C. Only when the Celtics were in town.
Question 6: Why have you been out of work so long?
A. The job market is very bad for software engineers right now.
B. New England is in real economic distress.
C. So far, no one has bothered to come down to the beach to
offer me a new job.
Question 7: What is your greatest weakness?
A. I sometimes take my job too seriously.
B. I often take ownership of my work so completely that I resist
giving it to someone else.
C. I often leave empty beer bottles lying around in
my office where people can trip on them.
Question 8: What is your greatest strength?
A. I am an expert in programming.
B. I am very professional about modern software engineering and
am not a hacker.
C. I can eat 21 raw eggs in one minute.
Question 9: What references can you give me?
A. Three colleagues from my last software project.
B. My brother and an old college friend know me pretty well.
C. Here's a number where anyone will vouch for me, but please
call between 5 and 6 when it's happy hour.
Question 10: Did you contribute very much to the way people at your
last position performed their work??
A. I hope so. I tried to answer their questions.
B. Yes; productivity doubled in my group while I was there.
C. Sure, and I can shape up this dump in no time.
Question 12: What kind of computer technology have you studied at home?
A. I have studied compiler design.
B. I have learned to use desk-top video.
C. I can save the princess in Super Mario Brothers.
Question 13: Do you think you'd enjoy working here?
A. Yes. I can say that I could both contribute and grow here.
B. Certainly. I would like working with such talented and dedicated
people.
C. I guess so. I'm gettin sick of watching Oprah and Phil.
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four
to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program,One to write the
light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb
administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to
change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One
to change the bulb.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good
the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one
of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank
characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first
one.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot
the witness.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it
done.
Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
A2: None of your damn business!
Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from
under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.
Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb?
A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with
the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is
than with a man.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of
nothingness.
Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I
use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his
body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long
enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into
the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new
super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven
up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is
revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and
return to the United States.
Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do
it.
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a
light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around
him.
very big dog and it's feet were very dirty. The wooman said:
"Oh, conductor, if I pay for my dog can he have a seat like the
other passengers?" The conductor looked at the dog and then he
said: "Certainly, madam, he can have a seat like all the other
passengers, but like the other passengers he mustn't put his
feet on it."
A charwoman in a City office was very proud of her skill
at polishing floors. "When I started working there,"- she told
a friend "the floors were in terrible state. But now it's quite
different since I've been polishing them", she added proudly.
"Three men working there have fallen down. One of them is still
in the hospital with a broken leg."
Charlie Chaplin Competitions often used to be organised
in the USA. The best imitator of the great actor was awarded a
special prise. One such competition was secretly attended
Charlie. Chaplin himself, who took part in the competition.
Great was his surprise when the committee only awarded him the
third prise.
On a fine summer day a farmer, passing by a large tree on
his way home to dinner, saw one of his sons lying and sleeping
in the shade. The farmer woke him up and said angrily: "How can
you sleep here, when all your brothers are working in the
garden? You don't deserve to enjoy the sunlight." "Yes, Father,
you are right, that is why I am lying in the shade."
A dyer in a court of justice had to hold up his hand that
was all black. The judge said to him: "Take off your gloves,
friend!" "Put on your spectacles, Mylord"- answered the dyer.
George the First of England while on journey to his
native kindom stopped at a village in Holland. While fresh
horses were being got ready for him, the king asked 2 or 3
eggs. They were brought him and the price asked was a hundred
florins. "How is "this?"- asked the king, - "Eggs must surely
be very rare here." "Pardon me,"- replied the host, - "eggs are
plentiful enough, but kings are rare here."
A boy bought a twopenny loaf at the baker's. It struck
him that it was much smaller, than usual, so he said to the
baker: "I don't believe the loaf is the right weight." "Oh,
nevert mind,"- answered the baker. "You'll have the less to
carry." "Quite right,"- said the boy and put 3 halfpence on the
counter. Just as he was leaving the shop the baker called out
to him: "I say, Tommy! You haven't given me the price of the
loaf!" "Oh, never mind,"- said the boy, "You'll have the less
to count."
Little Tommy went to the movies. He saw a tribe of
Indians painting their faces and asked his mother why they were
doing so. His mother explained: "Indians always paint their
faces before going to the warpath. "The next evening the mother
sat in the dining-room and entertained her elder daugter's
young man. Suddenly Tommy rushed into the room with wide eyes.
"Mommy,"- he cried,- "let's run away quickly: sister is going
along the warpath."
A seaman on a ship based somewhere far away in the
Pacific recieved a photo from his fiancee. It represented a
scene on the beach: two couples were sitting and laughing
gaily, but his girl was sitting alone sad and lonely. In the
letter she wrote that the photo showed how she was spending her
time while he was away. The seaman was in delight and showed
the photo to his friends. Then one night after looking at the
photo for a long time he asked his friend: "Listen, John, I
wonder, who took the picture?"
A young man decided to study at military school. Several
days after his medical examintion he recieved a wire from the
school: "Regret to inform you, but the test showed that you
have TB and heart trouble. "An hour later he recieved another
wire, saying: "Please, disregard the first wire. Your documents
were confused with that of another applicant. "The young man
wired back: "Sorry, but your wire came too late. I committed
suicide 40 minutes ago."
A foreign tourist in the U.S.A. remarked: "I see that
you, Americans, have great interest in space flights."
"Why do you think so?"- asked his guide.
"I see so many people in the street are looking at the
sky with telescopes."
"Telescopes?"- the guide asked in astonishment, - "They
are drinking beer from bottles."
The plane is ready to start. The passengers are going up.
"Stop!"- shouts the mechanic,- "A gas tank is leaking. We'll
have to fix it before taking off and it will take about an
hour." "An hour's delay!"- commented a soldier. "But then I'll
be late for my ship with my unit going overseras! "When the
pilot heard this, he came to the soldier: "Listen", - he
whispered, looking into his eyes,- "are you the one who drilled
the hole in the gas tank?"
A small boy and his mother are looking through the
family album. A boy takes one of the photographs, representing
a nice looking young man in a smart soldier uniform. He asks:
"Mother, who is this smart soldier?" "That is Daddy", -
answered his mother. The boy kept thinking for a moment, and
then said: "Well, then who is that fat bald-headed civilian
which is leaving with us now?"
An operator is working with a computer. He gave a very
complicated task to computer. Then after a very long time the
computer gave an answer: "Yes". Annoyed at the lack of detail
the operator asked: "Yes what?" "Yes, sir", - answered the
computer.
A man was taken to a hospital after an accident. The
doctor examined him and said, that he could go home the next
day. However, in the morning, the doctor announced: "I think
you'd better stay another day to see if something new turns up.
I didn't know how bad you were banged up until I read about the
accident in the newspapers.
Once a famous Hollywood actress wrote to a famous wit and
dramatist that it was a pity they were not the parents of a
child. What a child it would have been: with her beauty and
with his brains. Bernard Shaw, who was this dramatist,
answered, that supposing the child would have been so unlucky
to have his appearancee and her brains.
The young man approached the counter at which post-cards
were being sold and asked: "Have you anything sentimental?"
- "Here is a lovely one",- answered the shop-girl: "look
here - "to the only girl I ever loved"
- "That's fine, I'll take six of those, please".
. Как принимают на работу.
I finally found a job. My job search skills are much developed, in
preparation for the next time.
Here is some of what I learned.
oct 12 93 tues
In my job search, I have been moderately successful in securing interviews.
I have been interviewed face-to-face about once a week and
face to phone twice a week. However, I have not enjoyed the same success
in landing a job as in landing interviews. I seem more likely to land an
airplane than a job right now. I am growing concerned that I may not be
presenting myself well in interviews. I may not be projecting an
effective combination of confidence, humility, friendliness, honesty, and
sincerity that you need to bluff your way through an interview.
I would like to ask you to help me decide how to answer some of the
questions I am asked in interviews. I am going to show you some typical
interviewer questions with three possible answers for each. I ask that
you indicate the answer you prefer.
The first question is:
Question 1: Tell me about yourself.
Possible Answers:
A. I am a mature software developer with a expertise in electronic
hardware.
B. I used to compose music but now concentrate on reading literature.
C. Out on the highway, my sportscar can outrun any state patrolcar.
Question 2: What kind of job are you looking for?
A. A challenging job in which I can grow and improve.
B. A programming job where I can contribute and make a living.
C. A job where no one minds if you come in a day or two late.
Question 3: Have you ever done this type of job before?
A. Yes, many times and very effectively.
B. Sometimes, as part of other jobs.
C. Sure, if you count watching it on television.
Question 4: Why did you leave your job?
A. I was in an involuntary downsizing with 21% of my department.
B. I was caught in a lay-off.
C. My boss caught me nuzzling his girlfriend.
Question 5: How often did you take sick days?
A. Only when I was too sick or contagious, since giving a virus
to other employees would cost much more than my staying out a day
or two.
B. Now and then.
C. Only when the Celtics were in town.
Question 6: Why have you been out of work so long?
A. The job market is very bad for software engineers right now.
B. New England is in real economic distress.
C. So far, no one has bothered to come down to the beach to
offer me a new job.
Question 7: What is your greatest weakness?
A. I sometimes take my job too seriously.
B. I often take ownership of my work so completely that I resist
giving it to someone else.
C. I often leave empty beer bottles lying around in
my office where people can trip on them.
Question 8: What is your greatest strength?
A. I am an expert in programming.
B. I am very professional about modern software engineering and
am not a hacker.
C. I can eat 21 raw eggs in one minute.
Question 9: What references can you give me?
A. Three colleagues from my last software project.
B. My brother and an old college friend know me pretty well.
C. Here's a number where anyone will vouch for me, but please
call between 5 and 6 when it's happy hour.
Question 10: Did you contribute very much to the way people at your
last position performed their work??
A. I hope so. I tried to answer their questions.
B. Yes; productivity doubled in my group while I was there.
C. Sure, and I can shape up this dump in no time.
Question 12: What kind of computer technology have you studied at home?
A. I have studied compiler design.
B. I have learned to use desk-top video.
C. I can save the princess in Super Mario Brothers.
Question 13: Do you think you'd enjoy working here?
A. Yes. I can say that I could both contribute and grow here.
B. Certainly. I would like working with such talented and dedicated
people.
C. I guess so. I'm gettin sick of watching Oprah and Phil.
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four
to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program,One to write the
light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb
administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to
change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One
to change the bulb.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good
the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one
of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank
characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first
one.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot
the witness.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it
done.
Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
A2: None of your damn business!
Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from
under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.
Q: How many
A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong
A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many
A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb?
A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with
the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is
than with a man.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of
nothingness.
Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I
use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his
body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long
enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into
the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new
super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven
up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is
revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and
return to the United States.
Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do
it.
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a
light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around
him.