Silent moments passed, and I began to wonder if I'd been spooked by some porcupine, late for hibernation. Then, as hushed as an owl in flight, two nagas entered the clearing. The one in front, a huge female with fangs so white they glowed, carried her head warily; her tongue flicked in and out constantly, left, right, left, as if she were certain that trouble must be lurking close by. Behind her, the other naga was smaller, with the fresh-hatched face of a boy scarcely older than Zeerith. He showed none of the caution of the other – in fact, he sported a beaming grin, suggesting he was enjoying every second of this adventure away from home.
Clinging to his neck, like a child riding a pony, sat Wheezle. The gnome wore on over-long robe cut in Dustman style; but instead of a somber gray, this garment was as white as the face of a moon. Even in this starless night, the cloth shone and shimmered as if it had been peeled off an unusually generous ghost.
The front naga hissed sharply, and stared in my direction. Belatedly, I remembered that I too was dressed in purest white – not the best sartorial choice for someone hiding in shadows. «It's all right,» I called quickly. Stepping from the darkness, I said, «I'm a friend.»
«Honored Cavendish!» cried Wheezle with delight. He hopped from his perch on the young naga and ran forward, his arms wide. I was so astonished to see him on his feet again, I didn't react; so when he reached me, he wrapped his arms around my knees and squeezed in warm embrace.
«You can walk again!» I marveled.
«He has passed through the flame,» the older naga said. «Why should you doubt that it healed him? Do you think the sacred fire is weak?»
«No, no,» I answered quickly. «I've been through the flame myself, you know.»
The naga blinked once, then she grudgingly nodded her head. «You are to be congratulated for passing Our Mother's test.»
«And you passed too, Wheezle.» I squatted and returned the little gnome's hug. «Your legs are really all right?»
«Better than that, honored Cavendish. My memory has returned.»
The boy-naga made a scoffing sound. «Why not? Shekinester's stronger than the stupid old Styx.»
«And look,» said Wheezle. «Look at this.»
He held up his wrinkled old hand and made a circling gesture with his thumb. A ring of blue light flared into existence where the tip of his thumbnail traced through the air, then sprang up a few inches and dropped like a hoop around his index finger. With a small rattling noise, it disappeared again.
«What was that?» I asked.
«That was sorcery, honored-but-slow-on-the-uptake Cavendish. Shekinester's flame burned me clean of Rivi's dust. I have my magic back!»
«What about the others? Have you heard anything about them?»
Wheezle shook his head, but turned to the nagas who'd brought him here. The old female shrugged… or made a motion that would have been a shrug if she'd had shoulders. «No one knows how the Holy Mother will conduct Her tests,» she said. «It may take an hour, it may take a year. I can give no better answer.»
«We don't have a year,» I muttered. «We may not even have an hour. Rivi's taken a long headstart, and she's not one to waste opportunities. Still,» I clapped Wheezle on the back, «you've got magic, and I've got one shining blood of a sword. Why don't we go kick some —»
Suddenly, the air ripped open in front of me, spilling out a stench of sulphur stronger than the vilest pits of Baator. The nagas hissed, Wheezle's hands blazed with eldritch energies, and I whipped my rapier up to attack position.
Obliviously, Hezekiah stepped from the reeking rift. «Hey Britlin,» he said, «see how far I can teleport now?»
20. THREE FLOORS OF MADNESS
21. THREE DOWN, ONE TO GO
Clinging to his neck, like a child riding a pony, sat Wheezle. The gnome wore on over-long robe cut in Dustman style; but instead of a somber gray, this garment was as white as the face of a moon. Even in this starless night, the cloth shone and shimmered as if it had been peeled off an unusually generous ghost.
The front naga hissed sharply, and stared in my direction. Belatedly, I remembered that I too was dressed in purest white – not the best sartorial choice for someone hiding in shadows. «It's all right,» I called quickly. Stepping from the darkness, I said, «I'm a friend.»
«Honored Cavendish!» cried Wheezle with delight. He hopped from his perch on the young naga and ran forward, his arms wide. I was so astonished to see him on his feet again, I didn't react; so when he reached me, he wrapped his arms around my knees and squeezed in warm embrace.
«You can walk again!» I marveled.
«He has passed through the flame,» the older naga said. «Why should you doubt that it healed him? Do you think the sacred fire is weak?»
«No, no,» I answered quickly. «I've been through the flame myself, you know.»
The naga blinked once, then she grudgingly nodded her head. «You are to be congratulated for passing Our Mother's test.»
«And you passed too, Wheezle.» I squatted and returned the little gnome's hug. «Your legs are really all right?»
«Better than that, honored Cavendish. My memory has returned.»
The boy-naga made a scoffing sound. «Why not? Shekinester's stronger than the stupid old Styx.»
«And look,» said Wheezle. «Look at this.»
He held up his wrinkled old hand and made a circling gesture with his thumb. A ring of blue light flared into existence where the tip of his thumbnail traced through the air, then sprang up a few inches and dropped like a hoop around his index finger. With a small rattling noise, it disappeared again.
«What was that?» I asked.
«That was sorcery, honored-but-slow-on-the-uptake Cavendish. Shekinester's flame burned me clean of Rivi's dust. I have my magic back!»
«What about the others? Have you heard anything about them?»
Wheezle shook his head, but turned to the nagas who'd brought him here. The old female shrugged… or made a motion that would have been a shrug if she'd had shoulders. «No one knows how the Holy Mother will conduct Her tests,» she said. «It may take an hour, it may take a year. I can give no better answer.»
«We don't have a year,» I muttered. «We may not even have an hour. Rivi's taken a long headstart, and she's not one to waste opportunities. Still,» I clapped Wheezle on the back, «you've got magic, and I've got one shining blood of a sword. Why don't we go kick some —»
Suddenly, the air ripped open in front of me, spilling out a stench of sulphur stronger than the vilest pits of Baator. The nagas hissed, Wheezle's hands blazed with eldritch energies, and I whipped my rapier up to attack position.
Obliviously, Hezekiah stepped from the reeking rift. «Hey Britlin,» he said, «see how far I can teleport now?»
20. THREE FLOORS OF MADNESS
I wanted to wait for Yasmin, Hezekiah wanted to wait for Miriam, and surprisingly, Wheezle showed interest in waiting for our alu-friend, November; but we couldn't afford the delay. On another piece of bark, I scratched a note saying that the three of us had gone ahead… and I hoped Shekinester would release our companions in time to read the message.
The young and old naga watched wordlessly as I propped the chunk of bark beside the chapel door. For a moment, I considered asking them to join against our enemies – heaven knew, we could use all the help we could get – but what incentive could I offer? The chance to get shredded by Rivi's wights? Or perhaps the possibility of having their minds enslaved by Rivi herself? The older naga was almost certainly the mother of the young one, and would never put him in danger.
Instead, I simply gestured for the mother to come nearer. She slithered warily across the snow. «If we fail,» I told her in a low voice, «this area may not be safe in future. Sigil's on the other side of that portal, and Sigil may turn ugly. Talk to your people about mounting a guard.»
She stared at me a moment, then nodded. «Try not to fail,» she said.
Then she and her son slid quietly into the woods.
Hezekiah's hand clutched at my sleeve. «November promised this place wasn't haunted, right?»
«Hezekiah,» I said, «correct me if I'm wrong, but you went through a series of tests in the Court of Light, true?»
«I don't want to talk about them,» he muttered.
«But at the end,» I continued, «you must have walked into a pillar of fire, surrounded by several hundred undead of all descriptions. Now you're worried about this little place being haunted?»
The boy cleared his throat uncomfortably. «I wouldn't exactly say I walked into the pillar of fire. I was kind of escorted there.»
«Escorted?»
«Okay, dragged. By three vampires, two ghouls, and this big white thing that kept groaning all the time.»
Wheezle murmured, «An interesting picture to imagine, honored Clueless.»
«Yeah, I screamed so loud, I kind of reduced a banshee to tears. My point is, I'm not feeling very friendly toward the undead right now, so I hope there aren't any hanging their sheets here.»
There didn't seem to be. Apart from a smattering of beetles sluggish from the cold, the chapel showed no sign of occupation by creatures on either side of death. We walked up the central aisle, eyes and ears open for peril, but all was quiet. It felt quiet too: not the least quiver of supernatural menace.
Even in the dark, the soft glow of the portal was hard to see. As November had said, it lay in the doorway between the main sanctuary and a small sacristy at the back; and it occurred to me how piking inconvenient it must have been for the worshippers to have a snake-activated gate right in the middle of their cloister. If a priest had a naga tattoo, a serpent brooch, even a child's creed-school drawing of a pretty python, he'd start walking into his sanctum and get deposited in the middle of Sigil. No wonder this cult had never managed to make a go of itself.
«Where do you think this portal goes?» Hezekiah whispered in the dark.
«The way our luck's been running,» I answered, «it could be the Great Foundry's blast furnace.»
«Correct me if I'm wrong,» Hezekiah said in an annoying tone, «but you must have walked into a pillar of fire surrounded by several hundred undead of all descriptions. Now you're worried about a little blast furnace?»
«Pike it, berk,» I growled; and holding my sketch of the spitting cobra, I stepped through the portal…
Yet despite the stink of the place, I found myself hushed solemn by the room's one notable sight. Seated serenely on the pile of rotting straw was a venerable female orc, wearing an ornate satin wedding dress. At one time the dress must have cost a hefty sack of jink, for the bodice was stitched with a tasteful display of beadwork and fine embroidery; but age had yellowed the fabric and smeared it with copious smudges of unknown origin.
The old orc woman showed no sign of embarrassment at the state of her gown. Indeed, her face was wreathed in a gentle smile, and her hands folded placidly in her lap, like an unruffled debutante waiting to be asked for a dance. As Wheezle and Hezekiah stepped through the gate behind me, the orc rose to her feet and curtsied smoothly, as if people materialized in her squalid boudoir every day.
«Your majesties,» she said, «I have awaited your coming for some time. Some time. Some time. Have you decided which of you I shall wed?»
Hezekiah nearly jumped back through the portal, but I stopped him in time.
«Ah, you have come incognito,» she smiled. «I find that charming. But I have waited so very long… very long, very long… it has been hard to keep up my spirits through the cruel days and nights. No doubt you were delayed by dragons?»
«Something like that,» I murmured; but my attention was elsewhere, scanning the view out the barred and dirty window. It showed a wide cobblestone street, a few ramshackle hovels, and a queue of people – humanoids and others – waiting somberly in dim twilight before this very building. Something about that queue seemed familiar: young adults standing with writhing children; older adults carrying stretchers where elderly white-hairs lay as still as corpses; men pleading with monsters only they could see, and women cringing as if every sound around them was a needle plunged into their flesh…
Suddenly, I recognized it all and knew where we were. «It's the Gatehouse,» I said to Wheezle.
The gnome nodded as if he'd been thinking the same thing, but Hezekiah asked, «What's the Gatehouse?»
«A place for those whose minds are bruised,» Wheezle told him. «It means we have truly returned to Sigil,» he added; but his tone of voice suggested he would prefer the blood-soaked streets of Plague-Mort to the Gatehouse Asylum.
Hezekiah's expression said he felt much the same as Wheezle. «We'd better leave,» he muttered.
«Your majesties, please!» the orc woman cried. «You must not…» Her agitated voice broke off, and eased once more into a tranquil smile. «But of course, you will take me with you.»
«Honored lady,» Wheezle began… but she placed a wrinkled hand to his lips and shushed him.
«I know,» she said. «Gossiping tongues will wag – a young and vulnerable lass traveling unchaperoned with three lusty princes. But I have waited… I have waited so long… and people have said so many cruel things already. They have tried to tell me… they have claimed I am… foolish.» Her hands were still folded in front of her, but the knuckles had turned white as they squeezed against each other. «Please, your majesties… I have waited… I have worn this dress… this dress… I saved every farthing for this dress because I knew you would come… and marry me…»
I couldn't meet her tear-filled gaze. As I lowered my eyes, I realized all my clothes were pristine white… as were Wheezle's robes and Hezekiah's foppishly-tailored outfit. No wonder she took us for princes, princes dressed for a wedding day. When this poor old woman had seen us, we must have fulfilled her every confused dream.
«What is your name, young miss?» I asked as gently as I could.
With another curtsy, she answered, «Irene, may it please your majesty.» It wasn't an orc name, but then, the white satin gown was not an orc wedding dress. Perhaps she fancied herself human… or perhaps, she had been raised by humans in a manner at odds with her orc heritage. Such things happen in Sigil.
«Irene,» I told her, «my fellow princes and I must go on a dangerous quest. It would not be safe for a delicate —»
Before I could finish the sentence, she seized my arm. «Please don't leave me here,» she whispered. «If you leave me after all this time, I fear I might… go mad… please, don't make me be a mad old woman…»
I turned to Hezekiah and Wheezle. Both of them were staring at the floor.
«All right,» I told her. «You can come with us a little way.»
The room had only one exit, the doorway that framed the portal to the Outlands. I threw away my sketch of the cobra before leaving – otherwise, I'd find myself back in the chapel. Wheezle led the way into the corridor, followed by Hezekiah and Irene, with me trailing as rear guard… which meant I was the last to confront the full squalor of the Gatehouse Asylum.
The place stank of desperation. Yes, the smells in my nostrils were more specific, mildew, slops, and a wispy tang of blood; but over everything hung an oppressive desolation, tangible enough to make my skin crawl. Half the rooms along this corridor had their doors closed, secured with cast-iron padlocks. The others had their doors wide open, letting out the whimpers and moans of their inhabitants. A few patients had emerged from their rooms, to lean against the walls and stare vacantly into the distance, or to stand with eyes closed, rocking and humming tunelessly in their throats. One wore an unbuckled straitjacket; the rest wore unwashed garments, some no better than rags.
Wheezle headed for a door at the end of the hall. Most of the patients took no notice of us as we passed; those who did covered their eyes with their hands and shivered until we were gone. Irene touched one of the shiverers on the shoulder and said in a gentle voice, «You may have my room, Mazey. I shall not need it again.»
Past the door, we came upon what passed for a nurse's station: a flimsy wooden table where a bulky young dwarf sat picking his teeth with a sliver of bone. He glanced up at us, and his eyes widened. «I told you they would come for me,» Irene said triumphantly. «I told you they would come.»
He stared for another second or two, then shrugged and went back to digging between his molars.
No one in an official capacity, that is – we got plenty of attention from the inmates. Many tried to hide from us; many more tried to talk to us, in languages that may or may not have been spoken by anyone else in the multiverse. A few followed us, gesticulating as they babbled, and pointing at odd objects: cracks in the wall, their own teeth, a single red shoe someone had left in the hallway. After a while, each lost interest and wandered off some other direction, still talking and waving incoherently.
Down more stairs and an exit door came in sight – its glass smudged by the noseprints, gawkers looking in and inmates gazing out. A pair of guards in badly scuffed armor leaned against the wall near the door, passing a flask between them; but they straightened an inch as they saw us approach.
«Yeah?» said the taller one, as if we had asked a question. She had a sleek crown of black feathers on her head instead of hair; I couldn't tell if it was a hat or actually part of her body.
«We are leaving, honored guard,» Wheezle replied. «May your death be everything you hope it to be.»
«Huh?» Feather-Woman asked. She must have shone in conversational skills at the job interview.
«Don't mind him,» Hezekiah said hurriedly. «He's a Dustman. They say things like that.»
«Dustmen wear gray,» observed the other guard. He had the head of a tortoise-shell cat, and by the looks of it, his fur went all the way down. Unlike most cats, this one hadn't done much in the way of licking himself clean for a long time.
«Alas,» Wheezle told the guard, «my gray robes were burned when a death knight directed me to walk through a pillar of sacred fire. These clothes were reconstructed for me by nagas.»
I cringed. If Wheezle blurted out everything from the past few days, these guards would heave us directly into padded cells. Magic salt-and-pepper grinders, camping out with fiends, getting chummy with wights on the Plane of Dust, then fighting them in Plague-Mort… this was not a story to convince people of our sanity. «We have to go now,» I said, stepping toward the door.
Feathers hiked up her foot and planted it against the opposite wall of the narrow corridor, neatly blocking my exit. «Pass?» she grunted.
«I beg your pardon?»
«She wants to see your pass,» the Tortoise-Shell said. «A paper what says you can leave.»
«We don't have a pass,» Hezekiah answered, too quickly for me to stop him.
«Gotta have a pass,» Tortoise-Shell replied. «Patients get a pass from their doc. Visitors get a pass when they come in.»
«That's the problem then,» Wheezle said. «We entered the building through a portal from Plague-Mort. Well, not directly from Plague-Mort… from a chapel outside of town, dedicated to nagas.»
«Little berk's got a thing about nagas,» Feathers observed. «His doc must have a lot to say about that.»
«I don't have a doctor,» Wheezle snapped. «We are just passing through on our way to fight an evil albino.»
«Albino naga?» Tortoise-Shell asked with interest. «That's what you might call a provocative image.»
«The albino's not a naga,» Hezekiah retorted, «she's a psionic. She's sucked all the power out of my brain twice, but I won't let her do it again.»
«Good thinking,» Feathers said. «I sure hate it when albinos suck power out of my brain.»
«If you berks got a thing about albinos,» Tortoise-Shell asked, «why are you all wearing white? Some self-punishing identification-with-the-enemy thing?»
«They are wearing white,» Irene announced, «because they are three royal princes come to marry me.»
«All three gonna marry you at once?»
«They're princes,» Irene answered. «They can do whatever they want.»
«Just the kind of attitude that gives royalty a bad name,» Tortoise-Shell observed. «Shame on your highnesses.»
«Majesties!» Irene corrected.
«A prince is Your highness,» Feathers said. «Your majesty is for kings and queens.»
«Is that how it works?» Hezekiah asked. «I always wondered.»
«They are all majesties,» Irene insisted, «because they will marry me and make me a queen.»
«Even if they're only princes themselves?»
«Maybe,» Hezekiah suggested, «if you marry three princes at once, you become a queen. It could be cumulative.»
«All right, that's it!» I snapped. «Much as my companions belong in a barmy bin,» I told the guards, «we have to get out of here. So here's my proof that we aren't really inmates.»
In a split-second, the tip of my rapier was poised a hair's breadth from Tortoise-Shell's right eye. The cat gulped and froze. Feathers followed suit.
«Follow my logic, if you please,» I said. «Patients surely aren't allowed to carry weapons, right?»
«Right,» the guards answered in unison.
«I am carrying a very sharp, very lethal sword… right?»
«Right,» they chorused again.
«Therefore, I must not be a patient, right?»
«Got me convinced,» Tortoise-Shell said, swallowing hard.
«Pass, friend,» Feathers added, carefully dropping the leg that barred our way, and nudging the door open.
Wheezle smiled and trotted out, followed by Hezekiah. As Irene glided regally past the guards, she stopped and whispered, «Please forgive Prince Britlin's impulsiveness. He is the eldest, and has endured many long years of chaste abstinence, waiting for our union.»
«Perfectly understandable,» Tortoise-Shell answered, now cross-eyed from staring at the tip of my blade. «A cutter gets keen, I can sympathize with that.»
«Explains all the talk about nagas,» Feathers agreed. «You have a nice honeymoon now.»
I kept my sword at the ready as I backed out the door, but the guards made no rash attempts to nab us. As we hurried away from the asylum, I saw Tortoise-Shell raise the flask in our direction and drink off a hearty toast.
«Do we go in?» Wheezle asked.
«I'd prefer to report directly to Lady Erin,» I said. «Our story is too addle-coved to foist on a Hardhead desk sergeant. Still, we could beg for an escort between here and the Festhall; it's coming on night, and we're in a dangerous part of the city.»
«I might be able to teleport us to the Festhall,» Hezekiah offered.
«Back in Plague-Mort,» I reminded him, «you said you'd never tried a jump with more than two people.»
«I feel stronger now,» he answered. «Since I came out of Shekinester's flame —»
«Save it,» I interrupted. «This is not the time to try anything risky. We get some guards, we have them march us across the city, and we tell Lady Erin what we know. Let's keep it simple.»
Normally, a station like this one would have muscle posted at the front door, just in case some local bully-boys barged in. At the moment we entered, however, the guards had left their post to take part in a free-for-all behind the front desk. The cause of the brouhaha was a gigantic minotaur, fully eight feet tall and bellowing drunken curses as four of the Harmonium's finest tried to wrestle him to the ground. A fifth, the desk sergeant, had given up on grappling and was bashing the creature's head with a truncheon; but minotaur heads are noted for horns, not brains, so the sergeant's cudgel was having precious little effect.
«Should we help?» Hezekiah whispered, gaping at the fight.
I shook my head. The Harmonium don't take kindly to interference from strangers; besides, with so many people fighting already, we'd just get in the way. «Wait till they're done,» I told the boy. «They won't take long.»
Soon enough, I thought, the minotaur would gore one of the guards with his bull-like horns; and the moment Harmonium blood was spilled, the Hardheads would draw their swords and butcher Mr. Mino like an Aberdeen Angus. To my surprise, however, no matter how bubbed up the bull-man appeared, he retained some particle of prudence: he kept his horns to himself, never giving the guards an excuse to slice him to ribbons. Even worse, the sergeant with the truncheon was more gifted with zeal than accuracy – he clubbed his own comrades as often as he whacked the minotaur, thereby keeping the fight even for several minutes.
It was only when the guards were finally getting the upper hand that Hezekiah tugged on the hem of my jacket. «Britlin…»
«Not now,» I told him, «I have to talk to the sergeant.»
The sergeant, hearing my voice now that the ruckus had subsided, looked up to see who had come in. His eyes opened wide with surprise… I told myself a snow-white outfit had that effect on people.
«Britlin, this is important,» Hezekiah said, still tugging.
«It can wait,» I snapped, giving the sergeant a smile of apology at the interruption.
«Honored Cavendish,» Wheezle murmured, «perhaps this deserves your immediate attention.»
I sighed and held up a finger to the sergeant. «Back in a second,» I said, and whirled on my companions. «What?»
Hezekiah pointed to a row of six WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE posters tacked on the wall of the office. The faces were all too familiar… but frankly, the pictures must have been drawn by an untalented chimpanzee, given the abysmal quality of the sketches. When had I ever had such a protruding forehead? Why had they made Wheezle's ears so hairy? How could they depict a beauty like Yasmin as a blowsy draggle-tail?
On the other hand, the picture of Hezekiah was pretty good.
Yes, we were all there… including Miriam and even November. A hefty bounty rode on all our heads, authorized by «Her Honor Lady Erin Darkflame Montgomery, and His Worthiness Capt. Sarin (Harmonium Fact.).» Apparently, my companions and I had committed, «Numerous Acts of Sedition, Murther, and Most Grievous Crimes of Arson on Divers Public Buildings.»
«Looks like someone is blaming us for Rivi's crimes,» I sighed.
«Rivi is setting us up,» Hezekiah put in. «If she's taken over the brains of influential people…»
«I know. She could easily manufacture a case against us.»
«But how did she know we'd be here?» Wheezle asked.
I shrugged. «She probably checked the house in Plague-Mort after the dust had settled. When she didn't find our bodies, she concluded we were still alive. She asked around, discovered we'd made contact with November, and guessed we'd be heading for Sigil. Clever wee Rivi took the time to frame a nasty reception for when we showed…»
A sword point tickled the back of my ear.
«…up,» I finished.
The sword pricking my ear belonged to the desk sergeant, who showed strict adherence to the Harmonium Book of Clichs by saying, «Don't move a hair or you're dead.»
«Why not kill them anyway?» one of the other guards asked. «The signs say DEAD OR ALIVE.»
«Because these berks may know where the other three are… and if they start talking right now, we'll promise not to cut their throats.»
«Cut their throats?» Irene repeated. «How dare you threaten three royal princes!»
«How many princes've you killed, Saul?» one guard asked another.
«Including goblins, kobolds, mephits – upwards of a dozen, I'd say… and then, there's all the Prime world princelings, but who counts them?»
Hezekiah gulped. «We're really, really in trouble, aren't we?» he cried. With sobs in his throat, he reached out and grabbed a handful of my shirt, steadying himself on Wheezle's shoulder. «After everything we've been through…»
The boy blew his nose loudly on my lapel.
«Sorry,» I apologized to the nearest guard. «He's Clueless.»
«He is my prince!» Irene said, stepping forward to lay a comforting hand on his arm. «I shall stand by him for eternity.»
«As will I,» Wheezle pronounced. «Wherever we go, we shall go together, because we are joined as one.»
Which offered confirmation, if Hezekiah needed it: the boy now had physical contact with all four of us. The next moment, we were someplace far away from the squad station.
Hezekiah straightened up with an impish grin on his face. «I told you I could teleport us all. Sorry about the shirt, Britlin.»
«It will wash,» I answered graciously.
The Mortuary itself showed little of its damage directly; the masonry had been black to begin with, so the singe marks blended in. However, a gridwork of scaffolding had been erected all around the building, with wooden beams propping up sections of the roof and walls. Even if nothing had collapsed immediately, the Dustmen must not trust the current structural soundness.
«It brings tears to my eyes,» Wheezle said softly.
«Do you want to go inside?» I asked. «Look up any of your friends?»
«That would not be wise,» he answered. «If Rivi has convinced the city I am one of those responsible for the fires – including the explosion here – I will have few friends. Besides, Rivi might well station spies in our factions, watching for our return. I do not think she could steal the mind of Factol Skall…»
«Agreed,» I said, remembering my brief encounter with Skall, as he drained the life from the renegade wight.
«But,» Wheezle continued, «I cannot reach the factol without first talking to his aides. Any one of them may have been compromised by Rivi.»
«The same goes for me approaching the Sensates,» I said. «Whom can we trust?»
«You can trust me, your majesty!» Irene answered, going down on one knee. «I am your humble servant.»
«Thank you,» I smiled, patting her wrinkled hand. «Your loyalty is well-pleasing to me.»
She beamed.
«So far as I can see,» Hezekiah said, «we have to find Rivi ourselves. Find her and defeat her.»
«Including Kiripao?» I asked. «Qi and Chi? A hundred renegade wights?»
«Sure,» the boy shrugged. «Them too.»
«But honored Clueless,» Wheezle said, «we don't even know where to find Rivi.»
«That's easy,» he answered. «The Vertical Sea.»
«Why should she come and go?» I asked. «Couldn't she take over some mansion in town? Just brainwash a wealthy leatherhead and peel everything he owns.»
«That would attract attention,» the boy answered. «Wealthy people have servants and nosy neighbors, not to mention business competitors spying for any advantage. Rivi might brain-nap a few rich vassals, but she won't want anyone to know they're connected with her – she still has to play things very carefully until she consolidates her power. Besides, she needs to secure the Vertical Sea, whether or not she's using the portal right now. It's her backdoor out of the city… and an access point for all her wights, if she ever needs them.»
«What you say makes sense,» Wheezle admitted, «but I cannot understand how Rivi could enter Sigil in the first place. All portals are controlled by The Lady of Pain… who has established an infallible track record for keeping out destabilizing influences. Why didn't The Lady simply close the doors to Rivi? Let our albino friend plague some other city.»
«I've been thinking about that,» I said, «and I have a theory. If Rivi couldn't enter Sigil, she'd try someplace else… where she'd either win or lose. If she won, she'd become that much more of a threat; if she lost, the grinders would fall into someone else's hands, and the mess would continue. In fact, the mess might get worse if the person who got the grinders was a high-powered fiend, something like that. Perhaps The Lady of Pain prefers to have Rivi and the grinders here within reach.»
«Then why doesn't The Lady just kill Rivi now?» Hezekiah asked. «Do you think she's afraid of the grinders, like Rivi said? Or that The Lady doesn't know where the grinders are?»
«It is possible,» Wheezle replied, «but more likely, she does not wish to earn the enmity of other gods. As I have told Britlin, the grinders are so supremely dangerous, the pantheons may unite to destroy any Power who tries to claim them. The Lady would surely try to avoid such a threat.»
«Besides,» I said, «it's not The Lady of Pain's style to take such overt action. She expects her people to keep the city streets clean.»
«Her people,» Hezekiah repeated. «Does that mean she's got a specially chosen team to deal with threats like Rivi?»
«Yes,» I told him, «and at the moment, the team is us. Let's not pike this up, kid – The Lady of Pain is notoriously unforgiving toward sods who let her down.»
The young and old naga watched wordlessly as I propped the chunk of bark beside the chapel door. For a moment, I considered asking them to join against our enemies – heaven knew, we could use all the help we could get – but what incentive could I offer? The chance to get shredded by Rivi's wights? Or perhaps the possibility of having their minds enslaved by Rivi herself? The older naga was almost certainly the mother of the young one, and would never put him in danger.
Instead, I simply gestured for the mother to come nearer. She slithered warily across the snow. «If we fail,» I told her in a low voice, «this area may not be safe in future. Sigil's on the other side of that portal, and Sigil may turn ugly. Talk to your people about mounting a guard.»
She stared at me a moment, then nodded. «Try not to fail,» she said.
Then she and her son slid quietly into the woods.
* * *
The interior of the chapel was filled with gloomy thickets of shadow, but a few shreds of light still managed to slip through the dirt-crusted windows. A smell of damp rot hovered in the air, coming from the clumps of fungus that fed off the long-unused pews. Here and there along the walls, a spill of white showed where snow had blown in through cracks between the stones; and somewhere close to the front of the sanctuary, a steady drip told of a leak in the roof.Hezekiah's hand clutched at my sleeve. «November promised this place wasn't haunted, right?»
«Hezekiah,» I said, «correct me if I'm wrong, but you went through a series of tests in the Court of Light, true?»
«I don't want to talk about them,» he muttered.
«But at the end,» I continued, «you must have walked into a pillar of fire, surrounded by several hundred undead of all descriptions. Now you're worried about this little place being haunted?»
The boy cleared his throat uncomfortably. «I wouldn't exactly say I walked into the pillar of fire. I was kind of escorted there.»
«Escorted?»
«Okay, dragged. By three vampires, two ghouls, and this big white thing that kept groaning all the time.»
Wheezle murmured, «An interesting picture to imagine, honored Clueless.»
«Yeah, I screamed so loud, I kind of reduced a banshee to tears. My point is, I'm not feeling very friendly toward the undead right now, so I hope there aren't any hanging their sheets here.»
There didn't seem to be. Apart from a smattering of beetles sluggish from the cold, the chapel showed no sign of occupation by creatures on either side of death. We walked up the central aisle, eyes and ears open for peril, but all was quiet. It felt quiet too: not the least quiver of supernatural menace.
Even in the dark, the soft glow of the portal was hard to see. As November had said, it lay in the doorway between the main sanctuary and a small sacristy at the back; and it occurred to me how piking inconvenient it must have been for the worshippers to have a snake-activated gate right in the middle of their cloister. If a priest had a naga tattoo, a serpent brooch, even a child's creed-school drawing of a pretty python, he'd start walking into his sanctum and get deposited in the middle of Sigil. No wonder this cult had never managed to make a go of itself.
«Where do you think this portal goes?» Hezekiah whispered in the dark.
«The way our luck's been running,» I answered, «it could be the Great Foundry's blast furnace.»
«Correct me if I'm wrong,» Hezekiah said in an annoying tone, «but you must have walked into a pillar of fire surrounded by several hundred undead of all descriptions. Now you're worried about a little blast furnace?»
«Pike it, berk,» I growled; and holding my sketch of the spitting cobra, I stepped through the portal…
* * *
…and into a spartan room with mildewed walls and a single barred window. There was no furniture, simply a heap of limp straw piled in front of the window. My nostrils told me the straw had lain there for some time, long enough to begin a rancid decline into rot; and other smells mingled with the sharpness of decay – the thudding aromas of a chamberpot whose slops have gone unemptied for days.Yet despite the stink of the place, I found myself hushed solemn by the room's one notable sight. Seated serenely on the pile of rotting straw was a venerable female orc, wearing an ornate satin wedding dress. At one time the dress must have cost a hefty sack of jink, for the bodice was stitched with a tasteful display of beadwork and fine embroidery; but age had yellowed the fabric and smeared it with copious smudges of unknown origin.
The old orc woman showed no sign of embarrassment at the state of her gown. Indeed, her face was wreathed in a gentle smile, and her hands folded placidly in her lap, like an unruffled debutante waiting to be asked for a dance. As Wheezle and Hezekiah stepped through the gate behind me, the orc rose to her feet and curtsied smoothly, as if people materialized in her squalid boudoir every day.
«Your majesties,» she said, «I have awaited your coming for some time. Some time. Some time. Have you decided which of you I shall wed?»
Hezekiah nearly jumped back through the portal, but I stopped him in time.
* * *
«You are mistaken, honored lady.» Wheezle kowtowed to the orc with grace enough to match her curtsy. «We are not of royal blood, nor are we potential husbands.»«Ah, you have come incognito,» she smiled. «I find that charming. But I have waited so very long… very long, very long… it has been hard to keep up my spirits through the cruel days and nights. No doubt you were delayed by dragons?»
«Something like that,» I murmured; but my attention was elsewhere, scanning the view out the barred and dirty window. It showed a wide cobblestone street, a few ramshackle hovels, and a queue of people – humanoids and others – waiting somberly in dim twilight before this very building. Something about that queue seemed familiar: young adults standing with writhing children; older adults carrying stretchers where elderly white-hairs lay as still as corpses; men pleading with monsters only they could see, and women cringing as if every sound around them was a needle plunged into their flesh…
Suddenly, I recognized it all and knew where we were. «It's the Gatehouse,» I said to Wheezle.
The gnome nodded as if he'd been thinking the same thing, but Hezekiah asked, «What's the Gatehouse?»
«A place for those whose minds are bruised,» Wheezle told him. «It means we have truly returned to Sigil,» he added; but his tone of voice suggested he would prefer the blood-soaked streets of Plague-Mort to the Gatehouse Asylum.
Hezekiah's expression said he felt much the same as Wheezle. «We'd better leave,» he muttered.
«Your majesties, please!» the orc woman cried. «You must not…» Her agitated voice broke off, and eased once more into a tranquil smile. «But of course, you will take me with you.»
«Honored lady,» Wheezle began… but she placed a wrinkled hand to his lips and shushed him.
«I know,» she said. «Gossiping tongues will wag – a young and vulnerable lass traveling unchaperoned with three lusty princes. But I have waited… I have waited so long… and people have said so many cruel things already. They have tried to tell me… they have claimed I am… foolish.» Her hands were still folded in front of her, but the knuckles had turned white as they squeezed against each other. «Please, your majesties… I have waited… I have worn this dress… this dress… I saved every farthing for this dress because I knew you would come… and marry me…»
I couldn't meet her tear-filled gaze. As I lowered my eyes, I realized all my clothes were pristine white… as were Wheezle's robes and Hezekiah's foppishly-tailored outfit. No wonder she took us for princes, princes dressed for a wedding day. When this poor old woman had seen us, we must have fulfilled her every confused dream.
«What is your name, young miss?» I asked as gently as I could.
With another curtsy, she answered, «Irene, may it please your majesty.» It wasn't an orc name, but then, the white satin gown was not an orc wedding dress. Perhaps she fancied herself human… or perhaps, she had been raised by humans in a manner at odds with her orc heritage. Such things happen in Sigil.
«Irene,» I told her, «my fellow princes and I must go on a dangerous quest. It would not be safe for a delicate —»
Before I could finish the sentence, she seized my arm. «Please don't leave me here,» she whispered. «If you leave me after all this time, I fear I might… go mad… please, don't make me be a mad old woman…»
I turned to Hezekiah and Wheezle. Both of them were staring at the floor.
«All right,» I told her. «You can come with us a little way.»
* * *
Hezekiah offered Irene his arm. He didn't look comfortable about it – he held himself as rigid as a steel fencepost, and never let his eyes stray in her direction – but the boy was clearly making an effort to show her courtesy. Irene didn't seem to notice his tension; she settled in against him with the composure of an experienced courtesan taking a baron's hand.The room had only one exit, the doorway that framed the portal to the Outlands. I threw away my sketch of the cobra before leaving – otherwise, I'd find myself back in the chapel. Wheezle led the way into the corridor, followed by Hezekiah and Irene, with me trailing as rear guard… which meant I was the last to confront the full squalor of the Gatehouse Asylum.
The place stank of desperation. Yes, the smells in my nostrils were more specific, mildew, slops, and a wispy tang of blood; but over everything hung an oppressive desolation, tangible enough to make my skin crawl. Half the rooms along this corridor had their doors closed, secured with cast-iron padlocks. The others had their doors wide open, letting out the whimpers and moans of their inhabitants. A few patients had emerged from their rooms, to lean against the walls and stare vacantly into the distance, or to stand with eyes closed, rocking and humming tunelessly in their throats. One wore an unbuckled straitjacket; the rest wore unwashed garments, some no better than rags.
Wheezle headed for a door at the end of the hall. Most of the patients took no notice of us as we passed; those who did covered their eyes with their hands and shivered until we were gone. Irene touched one of the shiverers on the shoulder and said in a gentle voice, «You may have my room, Mazey. I shall not need it again.»
Past the door, we came upon what passed for a nurse's station: a flimsy wooden table where a bulky young dwarf sat picking his teeth with a sliver of bone. He glanced up at us, and his eyes widened. «I told you they would come for me,» Irene said triumphantly. «I told you they would come.»
He stared for another second or two, then shrugged and went back to digging between his molars.
* * *
Irene's room had been on the third storey; and when we finally found a stairway, it only went down one floor. That meant we had to backtrack along the length of the whole wing before we could get down to ground level. I assumed this design made it harder for barmies to escape, forcing them to run all the way along one floor, then all the way back on the next floor down, keeping them inside the building that much longer… but that only worked if someone tried to stop them from leaving. As far as I could see, none of the staff showed the least concern as we passed. No one asked who we were or where we were going; no one even recognized our existence.No one in an official capacity, that is – we got plenty of attention from the inmates. Many tried to hide from us; many more tried to talk to us, in languages that may or may not have been spoken by anyone else in the multiverse. A few followed us, gesticulating as they babbled, and pointing at odd objects: cracks in the wall, their own teeth, a single red shoe someone had left in the hallway. After a while, each lost interest and wandered off some other direction, still talking and waving incoherently.
Down more stairs and an exit door came in sight – its glass smudged by the noseprints, gawkers looking in and inmates gazing out. A pair of guards in badly scuffed armor leaned against the wall near the door, passing a flask between them; but they straightened an inch as they saw us approach.
«Yeah?» said the taller one, as if we had asked a question. She had a sleek crown of black feathers on her head instead of hair; I couldn't tell if it was a hat or actually part of her body.
«We are leaving, honored guard,» Wheezle replied. «May your death be everything you hope it to be.»
«Huh?» Feather-Woman asked. She must have shone in conversational skills at the job interview.
«Don't mind him,» Hezekiah said hurriedly. «He's a Dustman. They say things like that.»
«Dustmen wear gray,» observed the other guard. He had the head of a tortoise-shell cat, and by the looks of it, his fur went all the way down. Unlike most cats, this one hadn't done much in the way of licking himself clean for a long time.
«Alas,» Wheezle told the guard, «my gray robes were burned when a death knight directed me to walk through a pillar of sacred fire. These clothes were reconstructed for me by nagas.»
I cringed. If Wheezle blurted out everything from the past few days, these guards would heave us directly into padded cells. Magic salt-and-pepper grinders, camping out with fiends, getting chummy with wights on the Plane of Dust, then fighting them in Plague-Mort… this was not a story to convince people of our sanity. «We have to go now,» I said, stepping toward the door.
Feathers hiked up her foot and planted it against the opposite wall of the narrow corridor, neatly blocking my exit. «Pass?» she grunted.
«I beg your pardon?»
«She wants to see your pass,» the Tortoise-Shell said. «A paper what says you can leave.»
«We don't have a pass,» Hezekiah answered, too quickly for me to stop him.
«Gotta have a pass,» Tortoise-Shell replied. «Patients get a pass from their doc. Visitors get a pass when they come in.»
«That's the problem then,» Wheezle said. «We entered the building through a portal from Plague-Mort. Well, not directly from Plague-Mort… from a chapel outside of town, dedicated to nagas.»
«Little berk's got a thing about nagas,» Feathers observed. «His doc must have a lot to say about that.»
«I don't have a doctor,» Wheezle snapped. «We are just passing through on our way to fight an evil albino.»
«Albino naga?» Tortoise-Shell asked with interest. «That's what you might call a provocative image.»
«The albino's not a naga,» Hezekiah retorted, «she's a psionic. She's sucked all the power out of my brain twice, but I won't let her do it again.»
«Good thinking,» Feathers said. «I sure hate it when albinos suck power out of my brain.»
«If you berks got a thing about albinos,» Tortoise-Shell asked, «why are you all wearing white? Some self-punishing identification-with-the-enemy thing?»
«They are wearing white,» Irene announced, «because they are three royal princes come to marry me.»
«All three gonna marry you at once?»
«They're princes,» Irene answered. «They can do whatever they want.»
«Just the kind of attitude that gives royalty a bad name,» Tortoise-Shell observed. «Shame on your highnesses.»
«Majesties!» Irene corrected.
«A prince is Your highness,» Feathers said. «Your majesty is for kings and queens.»
«Is that how it works?» Hezekiah asked. «I always wondered.»
«They are all majesties,» Irene insisted, «because they will marry me and make me a queen.»
«Even if they're only princes themselves?»
«Maybe,» Hezekiah suggested, «if you marry three princes at once, you become a queen. It could be cumulative.»
«All right, that's it!» I snapped. «Much as my companions belong in a barmy bin,» I told the guards, «we have to get out of here. So here's my proof that we aren't really inmates.»
In a split-second, the tip of my rapier was poised a hair's breadth from Tortoise-Shell's right eye. The cat gulped and froze. Feathers followed suit.
«Follow my logic, if you please,» I said. «Patients surely aren't allowed to carry weapons, right?»
«Right,» the guards answered in unison.
«I am carrying a very sharp, very lethal sword… right?»
«Right,» they chorused again.
«Therefore, I must not be a patient, right?»
«Got me convinced,» Tortoise-Shell said, swallowing hard.
«Pass, friend,» Feathers added, carefully dropping the leg that barred our way, and nudging the door open.
Wheezle smiled and trotted out, followed by Hezekiah. As Irene glided regally past the guards, she stopped and whispered, «Please forgive Prince Britlin's impulsiveness. He is the eldest, and has endured many long years of chaste abstinence, waiting for our union.»
«Perfectly understandable,» Tortoise-Shell answered, now cross-eyed from staring at the tip of my blade. «A cutter gets keen, I can sympathize with that.»
«Explains all the talk about nagas,» Feathers agreed. «You have a nice honeymoon now.»
I kept my sword at the ready as I backed out the door, but the guards made no rash attempts to nab us. As we hurried away from the asylum, I saw Tortoise-Shell raise the flask in our direction and drink off a hearty toast.
* * *
The Gatehouse Asylum imposed its doleful presence on one of the least desirable zones of Sigil's Hive district… and since a sensible person would rather play leapfrog with a unicorn than visit even the best parts of the Hive, you can imagine what a sordid neighborhood we walked through now. Beady-eyed kobolds watched us passing, their boney fists clenching and unclenching with hate; but there must have been something imposing about our band – something in Irene's stateliness, or our ethereal white clothing, or maybe just the gleam of my rapier – that kept the hostility restricted to venomous glares. Within minutes, we had reached the relative safety of a patch of blighted grass, just outside a fortified Harmonium squad-station.«Do we go in?» Wheezle asked.
«I'd prefer to report directly to Lady Erin,» I said. «Our story is too addle-coved to foist on a Hardhead desk sergeant. Still, we could beg for an escort between here and the Festhall; it's coming on night, and we're in a dangerous part of the city.»
«I might be able to teleport us to the Festhall,» Hezekiah offered.
«Back in Plague-Mort,» I reminded him, «you said you'd never tried a jump with more than two people.»
«I feel stronger now,» he answered. «Since I came out of Shekinester's flame —»
«Save it,» I interrupted. «This is not the time to try anything risky. We get some guards, we have them march us across the city, and we tell Lady Erin what we know. Let's keep it simple.»
Normally, a station like this one would have muscle posted at the front door, just in case some local bully-boys barged in. At the moment we entered, however, the guards had left their post to take part in a free-for-all behind the front desk. The cause of the brouhaha was a gigantic minotaur, fully eight feet tall and bellowing drunken curses as four of the Harmonium's finest tried to wrestle him to the ground. A fifth, the desk sergeant, had given up on grappling and was bashing the creature's head with a truncheon; but minotaur heads are noted for horns, not brains, so the sergeant's cudgel was having precious little effect.
«Should we help?» Hezekiah whispered, gaping at the fight.
I shook my head. The Harmonium don't take kindly to interference from strangers; besides, with so many people fighting already, we'd just get in the way. «Wait till they're done,» I told the boy. «They won't take long.»
Soon enough, I thought, the minotaur would gore one of the guards with his bull-like horns; and the moment Harmonium blood was spilled, the Hardheads would draw their swords and butcher Mr. Mino like an Aberdeen Angus. To my surprise, however, no matter how bubbed up the bull-man appeared, he retained some particle of prudence: he kept his horns to himself, never giving the guards an excuse to slice him to ribbons. Even worse, the sergeant with the truncheon was more gifted with zeal than accuracy – he clubbed his own comrades as often as he whacked the minotaur, thereby keeping the fight even for several minutes.
It was only when the guards were finally getting the upper hand that Hezekiah tugged on the hem of my jacket. «Britlin…»
«Not now,» I told him, «I have to talk to the sergeant.»
The sergeant, hearing my voice now that the ruckus had subsided, looked up to see who had come in. His eyes opened wide with surprise… I told myself a snow-white outfit had that effect on people.
«Britlin, this is important,» Hezekiah said, still tugging.
«It can wait,» I snapped, giving the sergeant a smile of apology at the interruption.
«Honored Cavendish,» Wheezle murmured, «perhaps this deserves your immediate attention.»
I sighed and held up a finger to the sergeant. «Back in a second,» I said, and whirled on my companions. «What?»
Hezekiah pointed to a row of six WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE posters tacked on the wall of the office. The faces were all too familiar… but frankly, the pictures must have been drawn by an untalented chimpanzee, given the abysmal quality of the sketches. When had I ever had such a protruding forehead? Why had they made Wheezle's ears so hairy? How could they depict a beauty like Yasmin as a blowsy draggle-tail?
On the other hand, the picture of Hezekiah was pretty good.
Yes, we were all there… including Miriam and even November. A hefty bounty rode on all our heads, authorized by «Her Honor Lady Erin Darkflame Montgomery, and His Worthiness Capt. Sarin (Harmonium Fact.).» Apparently, my companions and I had committed, «Numerous Acts of Sedition, Murther, and Most Grievous Crimes of Arson on Divers Public Buildings.»
«Looks like someone is blaming us for Rivi's crimes,» I sighed.
«Rivi is setting us up,» Hezekiah put in. «If she's taken over the brains of influential people…»
«I know. She could easily manufacture a case against us.»
«But how did she know we'd be here?» Wheezle asked.
I shrugged. «She probably checked the house in Plague-Mort after the dust had settled. When she didn't find our bodies, she concluded we were still alive. She asked around, discovered we'd made contact with November, and guessed we'd be heading for Sigil. Clever wee Rivi took the time to frame a nasty reception for when we showed…»
A sword point tickled the back of my ear.
«…up,» I finished.
* * *
The guards had clearly decided that arresting three bounty-paying murderers made better sense than tussling with one garden-variety drunk. In fact, they had pressed the minotaur into temporary deputyship; he was on his feet again, little the worse for the fisticuffs, and looking keen to take us down if it would earn a share of the reward.The sword pricking my ear belonged to the desk sergeant, who showed strict adherence to the Harmonium Book of Clichs by saying, «Don't move a hair or you're dead.»
«Why not kill them anyway?» one of the other guards asked. «The signs say DEAD OR ALIVE.»
«Because these berks may know where the other three are… and if they start talking right now, we'll promise not to cut their throats.»
«Cut their throats?» Irene repeated. «How dare you threaten three royal princes!»
«How many princes've you killed, Saul?» one guard asked another.
«Including goblins, kobolds, mephits – upwards of a dozen, I'd say… and then, there's all the Prime world princelings, but who counts them?»
Hezekiah gulped. «We're really, really in trouble, aren't we?» he cried. With sobs in his throat, he reached out and grabbed a handful of my shirt, steadying himself on Wheezle's shoulder. «After everything we've been through…»
The boy blew his nose loudly on my lapel.
«Sorry,» I apologized to the nearest guard. «He's Clueless.»
«He is my prince!» Irene said, stepping forward to lay a comforting hand on his arm. «I shall stand by him for eternity.»
«As will I,» Wheezle pronounced. «Wherever we go, we shall go together, because we are joined as one.»
Which offered confirmation, if Hezekiah needed it: the boy now had physical contact with all four of us. The next moment, we were someplace far away from the squad station.
Hezekiah straightened up with an impish grin on his face. «I told you I could teleport us all. Sorry about the shirt, Britlin.»
«It will wash,» I answered graciously.
* * *
Hezekiah had teleported us somewhere he knew well: the street in front of the Mortuary. Not that it looked much like the place we had watched a few days earlier; the tenements were nothing but cinders, with occasional upthrusts of wood that had not burned completely to ash. Much of the surrounding pavement had been washed clean by rainfall – you can always count on Sigil for drizzle – but some patches of roadway were crusted over with crumbly residue that I guessed was humanoid skin… bits from the giant and the Collectors who'd been carrying him, grafted onto the cobblestones by the flash heat of the explosion.The Mortuary itself showed little of its damage directly; the masonry had been black to begin with, so the singe marks blended in. However, a gridwork of scaffolding had been erected all around the building, with wooden beams propping up sections of the roof and walls. Even if nothing had collapsed immediately, the Dustmen must not trust the current structural soundness.
«It brings tears to my eyes,» Wheezle said softly.
«Do you want to go inside?» I asked. «Look up any of your friends?»
«That would not be wise,» he answered. «If Rivi has convinced the city I am one of those responsible for the fires – including the explosion here – I will have few friends. Besides, Rivi might well station spies in our factions, watching for our return. I do not think she could steal the mind of Factol Skall…»
«Agreed,» I said, remembering my brief encounter with Skall, as he drained the life from the renegade wight.
«But,» Wheezle continued, «I cannot reach the factol without first talking to his aides. Any one of them may have been compromised by Rivi.»
«The same goes for me approaching the Sensates,» I said. «Whom can we trust?»
«You can trust me, your majesty!» Irene answered, going down on one knee. «I am your humble servant.»
«Thank you,» I smiled, patting her wrinkled hand. «Your loyalty is well-pleasing to me.»
She beamed.
«So far as I can see,» Hezekiah said, «we have to find Rivi ourselves. Find her and defeat her.»
«Including Kiripao?» I asked. «Qi and Chi? A hundred renegade wights?»
«Sure,» the boy shrugged. «Them too.»
«But honored Clueless,» Wheezle said, «we don't even know where to find Rivi.»
«That's easy,» he answered. «The Vertical Sea.»
* * *
Hezekiah explained his reasoning as we slunk through the Hive toward the Sea. «It has a portal to the Glass Spider, right? And the Spider is Rivi's real base of operations. So even if she isn't at the fish-farm right now, I bet she comes and goes through the gate all the time. We just watch the place until she shows up.»«Why should she come and go?» I asked. «Couldn't she take over some mansion in town? Just brainwash a wealthy leatherhead and peel everything he owns.»
«That would attract attention,» the boy answered. «Wealthy people have servants and nosy neighbors, not to mention business competitors spying for any advantage. Rivi might brain-nap a few rich vassals, but she won't want anyone to know they're connected with her – she still has to play things very carefully until she consolidates her power. Besides, she needs to secure the Vertical Sea, whether or not she's using the portal right now. It's her backdoor out of the city… and an access point for all her wights, if she ever needs them.»
«What you say makes sense,» Wheezle admitted, «but I cannot understand how Rivi could enter Sigil in the first place. All portals are controlled by The Lady of Pain… who has established an infallible track record for keeping out destabilizing influences. Why didn't The Lady simply close the doors to Rivi? Let our albino friend plague some other city.»
«I've been thinking about that,» I said, «and I have a theory. If Rivi couldn't enter Sigil, she'd try someplace else… where she'd either win or lose. If she won, she'd become that much more of a threat; if she lost, the grinders would fall into someone else's hands, and the mess would continue. In fact, the mess might get worse if the person who got the grinders was a high-powered fiend, something like that. Perhaps The Lady of Pain prefers to have Rivi and the grinders here within reach.»
«Then why doesn't The Lady just kill Rivi now?» Hezekiah asked. «Do you think she's afraid of the grinders, like Rivi said? Or that The Lady doesn't know where the grinders are?»
«It is possible,» Wheezle replied, «but more likely, she does not wish to earn the enmity of other gods. As I have told Britlin, the grinders are so supremely dangerous, the pantheons may unite to destroy any Power who tries to claim them. The Lady would surely try to avoid such a threat.»
«Besides,» I said, «it's not The Lady of Pain's style to take such overt action. She expects her people to keep the city streets clean.»
«Her people,» Hezekiah repeated. «Does that mean she's got a specially chosen team to deal with threats like Rivi?»
«Yes,» I told him, «and at the moment, the team is us. Let's not pike this up, kid – The Lady of Pain is notoriously unforgiving toward sods who let her down.»
21. THREE DOWN, ONE TO GO
When we reached the Vertical Sea, it was filled with wights: wights dressed in workers' clothes, wights trundling wheelbarrows from one level to another, wights whose eyes blazed with utter fury at the indignity of this pretense.
I didn't want to think about what had happened to the real workers; but I wondered if the fish had fed better than usual over the past few days.
From the vantage of the same tenement roof I'd used before, we crouched behind the chicken coops and watched the undead stalk about their business. For the most part, they stayed at least three floors above the ground, where their fiery eyes would be unlikely to attract the attention of passers-by. Lower down, the workers were all Rivi's hired goons, dealing directly with the delivery carts that came to pick up their supplies of seafood. Lanterns hung at regular intervals throughout the structure, on the stairs, on the ramps, and on the catwalks over the fish-tanks… enough light for the tower to be seen thirty blocks away, and to steal the night vision from anyone who might look in our direction.
While it was impossible to scan the whole twenty-storey structure, by the end of an hour I had seen no familiar faces: no Kiripao, no githzerai, and definitely no Rivi. We'd just have to cool our heels until they showed up.
«So, honored Cavendish,» Wheezle murmured, «what is our strategy now?»
«Wait for your enemies,» Irene replied calmly, «then strike from stealth, and claim your plunder.»
«Hey,» said Hezekiah, «look who's a real orc after all.»
I patted Irene's hand fondly. «It's a good plan. If we see Rivi show up with the grinders and Unveiler, we teleport over and run a rapier through her gizzard. Then we grab the trinkets and teleport away again.»
«Doesn't sound very heroic,» Hezekiah grumbled.
«Neither does letting Rivi take over the city.»
«But couldn't we just jump in front of her and give her the chance to surrender?»
«You mean give her the chance to poach our brains,» I corrected him. «We can't afford to be charitable, boy.»
Hezekiah didn't answer, but I could see he wasn't happy with stabbing people in the back. I would have liked to have a different option myself; but the stakes were too high to take chances. Maybe – maybe – if I had a clear shot and no risk of missing, I would club-punch Rivi with the butt of my sword rather than slicing through her liver. If I knocked her out, we could take her prisoner without killing her… but if the first blow didn't put her down, I'd use my blade as a follow-up, and sod how much blood I spilled.
«Do you think anyone's going to show up tonight?» Hezekiah asked. «It's pretty late.»
The boy was munching a not-quite-ripe peach Wheezle had procured from a greengrocer in a short trip down to ground level. Considering that all our pocket money had vaporized in the Arching Flame, I don't know how Wheezle paid for the fruit… but a gnome illusionist has resources even when he has no resources, if you know what I mean.
Wheezle, his face the soul of innocence, finished a mouthful of his own peach and answered the boy's question. «The people we seek are more likely to work by night than day, honored Clueless. We should not give up hope simply because the hour is late.»
«Before we start getting sleepy,» I said, «we should set up a watch schedule – take turns napping. It won't be comfortable bedding down up here…»
«I shall make it comfortable for you,» Irene announced.
Hezekiah winced. Wheezle had more self-control, but his face paled. «Honored lady, perhaps we should discuss certain… misunderstandings between us.»
«In an arranged marriage,» Irene replied, «there are always adjustments to be made.» She had dribbled peach juice down the front of her wedding dress, but took no notice of it. «It simply requires the husbands and wife to meet each other halfway. Now,» she continued, smoothing her gown demurely, «do you want to decide which of you shall be first, or would you prefer that I choose?»
«First for what?» Hezekiah asked uneasily.
«Sounds like the boy needs the most education,» I leapt in. «Start with him.»
«Yes, yes,» Wheezle agreed. «He is clearly in need of your guidance, honored lady. Your lengthy guidance. Spend several months if you have to. Years. We others can wait.»
«What are you talking about?» Hezekiah demanded. «Because it almost sounds like we're discussing, umm… wedding nights…»
«We are,» Irene answered serenely. «Shall we withdraw behind the chicken coops, your majesty?»
Hezekiah's eyes threatened to skitter out of his skull and go dancing about the rooftop. He spun away wildly, possibly summoning his energy to teleport all the way back to the safety of Uncle Toby's parlor; but the insufferable luck of the Clueless saved him.
«Look!» he cried, pointing a wobbly finger across the street. «There's Qi… Chi… one of the gith guys!»
Not that it mattered. The only important thing was to capture the berk and make him tell us which stone Rivi was hiding under. We'd just teleport across, hold a knife to Chi's throat, and take him somewhere for interrogation.
«Okay, Hezekiah,» I whispered, «we keep this simple. Wait till he's a good distance from anyone else, then take us right in behind him.»
The boy looked like he was going to object, but I stared him down. In silence, we watched the githzerai glower his way upward… heading for the portal to the Glass Spider, I realized. One level below the portal, he would have to climb a ramp that crossed above a tank of squid – or calamari, if you prefer – and at present the area was clear of wights. «There,» I said to Hezekiah. «That ramp. Ready?»
He nodded. I got a good grip on the boy's arm, and Wheezle grabbed hold of his belt. «We'll be back soon,» I assured Irene… who waited till the last moment, then laid her hand on Hezekiah's shoulder before I could stop her.
Together all four of us materialized on the ramp – a dozen paces in front of the githzerai.
«Sod it all,» I snarled, then charged toward the thief, my rapier glinting in the lantern light.
«Surrender!» Hezekiah shouted to Chi. «You're outnumbered so just…»
The githzerai whipped out a firewand.
«…surrender…» Hezekiah finished lamely.
I stood, sword ready, three paces away from him, while the others loomed behind my back. He held the firewand casually, but I didn't doubt he could trigger it in a split-second if any of us moved a hair.
«We wouldn't have a standoff,» I answered through clenched teeth, «if someone had landed us behind you.»
«I didn't want you to kill him,» Hezekiah pouted.
«I wasn't going to kill him. I wanted to take him prisoner so we could interrogate him.»
«You never told me that.»
«Do I have to explain everything?» I growled at the boy. «You knew he was carrying something magic. The first time we saw him, you sensed magic on him.»
«I didn't know it was a firewand!»
«Enough!» Chi roared. «Do you think you can distract me by feigning an argument? I'm not a complete leatherhead, you know.»
«Feigning an argument,» Hezekiah murmured. «That would have been clever.»
«Stop rattling your bone-box!» Chi thundered. «I'm trying to decide whether to burn you where you stand.»
«If you start a fire here,» Wheezle said, «you will burn down the Vertical Sea. Your portal to the Glass Spider will lose its anchor and disappear.»
«The Spider has other portals,» Chi answered. «It's no great burden to gate into Plague-Mort and head for Sigil from there. You did exactly that, didn't you?»
«It is possible to find an indirect route,» Wheezle admitted, «but would Rivi approve? She does not seem a woman who tolerates inconvenience.»
«If I killed you three once and for all, she'd give me a medal,» Chi answered. «The slag in the wedding dress is gravy.»
«Here's an idea,» Hezekiah piped up. «Why don't I just teleport my friends out of here, and call it a draw? You don't set us on fire, and Britlin won't cut out your heart.»
«Like he did to my partner?» Chi asked sharply.
«Actually,» I said, «I didn't cut out your partner's heart, I stabbed through the roof of his mouth and… well, maybe this isn't the right time to split hairs.»
«Funny man,» Chi glared at me. «A lot of people have told me that, Cavendish – you like to make jokes. Does it surprise you I've talked to your friends? I've made it my business to find out about you, since we met in Plague-Mort. You won't believe the stories I've heard… and not one of your acquaintances doubts you could be a killer. Like father, like son.»
I didn't want to think about what had happened to the real workers; but I wondered if the fish had fed better than usual over the past few days.
From the vantage of the same tenement roof I'd used before, we crouched behind the chicken coops and watched the undead stalk about their business. For the most part, they stayed at least three floors above the ground, where their fiery eyes would be unlikely to attract the attention of passers-by. Lower down, the workers were all Rivi's hired goons, dealing directly with the delivery carts that came to pick up their supplies of seafood. Lanterns hung at regular intervals throughout the structure, on the stairs, on the ramps, and on the catwalks over the fish-tanks… enough light for the tower to be seen thirty blocks away, and to steal the night vision from anyone who might look in our direction.
While it was impossible to scan the whole twenty-storey structure, by the end of an hour I had seen no familiar faces: no Kiripao, no githzerai, and definitely no Rivi. We'd just have to cool our heels until they showed up.
«So, honored Cavendish,» Wheezle murmured, «what is our strategy now?»
«Wait for your enemies,» Irene replied calmly, «then strike from stealth, and claim your plunder.»
«Hey,» said Hezekiah, «look who's a real orc after all.»
I patted Irene's hand fondly. «It's a good plan. If we see Rivi show up with the grinders and Unveiler, we teleport over and run a rapier through her gizzard. Then we grab the trinkets and teleport away again.»
«Doesn't sound very heroic,» Hezekiah grumbled.
«Neither does letting Rivi take over the city.»
«But couldn't we just jump in front of her and give her the chance to surrender?»
«You mean give her the chance to poach our brains,» I corrected him. «We can't afford to be charitable, boy.»
Hezekiah didn't answer, but I could see he wasn't happy with stabbing people in the back. I would have liked to have a different option myself; but the stakes were too high to take chances. Maybe – maybe – if I had a clear shot and no risk of missing, I would club-punch Rivi with the butt of my sword rather than slicing through her liver. If I knocked her out, we could take her prisoner without killing her… but if the first blow didn't put her down, I'd use my blade as a follow-up, and sod how much blood I spilled.
* * *
Time passed. Somewhere far in the distance, the Stern Bells near Sigil's prison chimed antipeak: midnight. Five hundred years ago, a Mercykiller sorceress named Justice-by-Fist had enchanted the bells so they could be heard all over Sigil – not making them louder, but simply making the sound carry all around the circle of the city. True Sigilians could tell where they were in town, just by the lag between the clockwise and counter-clockwise passage of the ringing.«Do you think anyone's going to show up tonight?» Hezekiah asked. «It's pretty late.»
The boy was munching a not-quite-ripe peach Wheezle had procured from a greengrocer in a short trip down to ground level. Considering that all our pocket money had vaporized in the Arching Flame, I don't know how Wheezle paid for the fruit… but a gnome illusionist has resources even when he has no resources, if you know what I mean.
Wheezle, his face the soul of innocence, finished a mouthful of his own peach and answered the boy's question. «The people we seek are more likely to work by night than day, honored Clueless. We should not give up hope simply because the hour is late.»
«Before we start getting sleepy,» I said, «we should set up a watch schedule – take turns napping. It won't be comfortable bedding down up here…»
«I shall make it comfortable for you,» Irene announced.
Hezekiah winced. Wheezle had more self-control, but his face paled. «Honored lady, perhaps we should discuss certain… misunderstandings between us.»
«In an arranged marriage,» Irene replied, «there are always adjustments to be made.» She had dribbled peach juice down the front of her wedding dress, but took no notice of it. «It simply requires the husbands and wife to meet each other halfway. Now,» she continued, smoothing her gown demurely, «do you want to decide which of you shall be first, or would you prefer that I choose?»
«First for what?» Hezekiah asked uneasily.
«Sounds like the boy needs the most education,» I leapt in. «Start with him.»
«Yes, yes,» Wheezle agreed. «He is clearly in need of your guidance, honored lady. Your lengthy guidance. Spend several months if you have to. Years. We others can wait.»
«What are you talking about?» Hezekiah demanded. «Because it almost sounds like we're discussing, umm… wedding nights…»
«We are,» Irene answered serenely. «Shall we withdraw behind the chicken coops, your majesty?»
Hezekiah's eyes threatened to skitter out of his skull and go dancing about the rooftop. He spun away wildly, possibly summoning his energy to teleport all the way back to the safety of Uncle Toby's parlor; but the insufferable luck of the Clueless saved him.
«Look!» he cried, pointing a wobbly finger across the street. «There's Qi… Chi… one of the gith guys!»
* * *
Hezekiah was right. The githzerai thief – let's call him Chi, though I never found out which he really was – had reached a point several storeys below us, climbing one of the Sea's corkscrew stairways. The other thugs gave him plenty of space to move up the steps; even the wights stood clear to let him pass. The look on his face showed they were wise to do so: his expression was gauntly savage, a hailstorm ready to break. I wondered if he'd worn that grimace ever since I killed his partner in Plague-Mort, or if his ferocity had a more recent cause.Not that it mattered. The only important thing was to capture the berk and make him tell us which stone Rivi was hiding under. We'd just teleport across, hold a knife to Chi's throat, and take him somewhere for interrogation.
«Okay, Hezekiah,» I whispered, «we keep this simple. Wait till he's a good distance from anyone else, then take us right in behind him.»
The boy looked like he was going to object, but I stared him down. In silence, we watched the githzerai glower his way upward… heading for the portal to the Glass Spider, I realized. One level below the portal, he would have to climb a ramp that crossed above a tank of squid – or calamari, if you prefer – and at present the area was clear of wights. «There,» I said to Hezekiah. «That ramp. Ready?»
He nodded. I got a good grip on the boy's arm, and Wheezle grabbed hold of his belt. «We'll be back soon,» I assured Irene… who waited till the last moment, then laid her hand on Hezekiah's shoulder before I could stop her.
Together all four of us materialized on the ramp – a dozen paces in front of the githzerai.
«Sod it all,» I snarled, then charged toward the thief, my rapier glinting in the lantern light.
«Surrender!» Hezekiah shouted to Chi. «You're outnumbered so just…»
The githzerai whipped out a firewand.
«…surrender…» Hezekiah finished lamely.
* * *
«It appears we have a standoff,» Chi said.I stood, sword ready, three paces away from him, while the others loomed behind my back. He held the firewand casually, but I didn't doubt he could trigger it in a split-second if any of us moved a hair.
«We wouldn't have a standoff,» I answered through clenched teeth, «if someone had landed us behind you.»
«I didn't want you to kill him,» Hezekiah pouted.
«I wasn't going to kill him. I wanted to take him prisoner so we could interrogate him.»
«You never told me that.»
«Do I have to explain everything?» I growled at the boy. «You knew he was carrying something magic. The first time we saw him, you sensed magic on him.»
«I didn't know it was a firewand!»
«Enough!» Chi roared. «Do you think you can distract me by feigning an argument? I'm not a complete leatherhead, you know.»
«Feigning an argument,» Hezekiah murmured. «That would have been clever.»
«Stop rattling your bone-box!» Chi thundered. «I'm trying to decide whether to burn you where you stand.»
«If you start a fire here,» Wheezle said, «you will burn down the Vertical Sea. Your portal to the Glass Spider will lose its anchor and disappear.»
«The Spider has other portals,» Chi answered. «It's no great burden to gate into Plague-Mort and head for Sigil from there. You did exactly that, didn't you?»
«It is possible to find an indirect route,» Wheezle admitted, «but would Rivi approve? She does not seem a woman who tolerates inconvenience.»
«If I killed you three once and for all, she'd give me a medal,» Chi answered. «The slag in the wedding dress is gravy.»
«Here's an idea,» Hezekiah piped up. «Why don't I just teleport my friends out of here, and call it a draw? You don't set us on fire, and Britlin won't cut out your heart.»
«Like he did to my partner?» Chi asked sharply.
«Actually,» I said, «I didn't cut out your partner's heart, I stabbed through the roof of his mouth and… well, maybe this isn't the right time to split hairs.»
«Funny man,» Chi glared at me. «A lot of people have told me that, Cavendish – you like to make jokes. Does it surprise you I've talked to your friends? I've made it my business to find out about you, since we met in Plague-Mort. You won't believe the stories I've heard… and not one of your acquaintances doubts you could be a killer. Like father, like son.»