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AASLEAGH (n.)
A liqeur made only for drinking at the end of a revoltingly long bottle
party when all the drinkable drink has been drunk.
ABERBEEG (vb.)
Of amateur actors, to adopt a Mexican accent when called upon to play
any variety of foreigner (except Pakistanis - from whom a Welsh accent is
considered sufficient).
ABERCRAVE (vb.)
To strongly desire to swing from the pole on the rear footplate of a
bus.
ABERYSTWYTH (n.)
A nostalgic yearning which is in itself more pleasant than the thing
being yearned for.
ABILENE (adj.)
Descriptive of the pleasing coolness on the reverse side of the pillow.
ABINGER (n.)
One who washes up everything except the frying pan, the cheese grater
and the saucepan which the chocolate sauce has been made in.
ABOYNE (vb.)
To beat an expert at a game of skill by playing so appallingly that
none of his clever tactics or strategies are of any use to him.
ACLE (n.)
The rouge pin which shirtmakers conceal in the most improbable fold of
a new shirt. Its function is to stab you when you don the garment.
ADLESTROP (n.)
That part of a suitcase which is designed to get snarled up on conveyor
belts at airports. Some of the more modern adlestrop designs have a special
'quick release' feature which enables the case to flip open at this point
and fling your underclothes into the conveyor belt's gearing mechanism.
ADRIGOLE (n.)
The centrepiece of a merry-go-round on which the man with the tickets
stands unnervingly still.
AFFCOT (n.)
The sort of fart you hope people will talk after.
AFFPUDDLE (n.)
A puddle which is hidden under a pivoted paving stone. You only know
it's there when you step on the paving stone and the puddle shoots up your
leg.
AGGLETHORPE (n.)
A dispute between two pooves in a boutique.
AHENNY (adj.)
The way people stand when examining other people's bookshelves.
AIGBURTH (n.)
Any piece of readily identifiable anatomy found amongst cooked meat.
AINDERBY QUERNHOW (n.)
One who continually bemoans the 'loss' of the word 'gay' to the English
language, even though they had never used the word in any context at all
until they started complaining that they couldn't use it any more.
AINDERBY STEEPLE (n.)
One who asks you a question with the apparent motive of wanting to hear
your answer, but who cuts short your opening sentence by leaning forward and
saying 'and I'll tell you why I ask...' and then talking solidly for the
next hour.
AINSWORTH (n.)
The length of time it takes to get served in a camera shop. Hence,
also, how long we will have to wait for the abolition of income tax or the
Second Coming.
AIRD OF SLEAT (n. archaic)
Ancient Scottish curse placed from afar on the stretch of land now
occupided by Heathrow Airport.
AITH (n.)
The single bristle that sticks out sideways on a cheap paintbrush.
ALBUQUERQUE (n.)
A shapeless squiggle which is utterly unlike your normal signature, but
which is, nevertheless, all you are able to produce when asked formally to
identify yourself.
Muslims, whose religion forbids the making of graven images, use
albuquerques to decorate their towels, menu cards and pyjamas.
ALDCLUNE (n.)
One who collects ten-year-old telephone directories.
ALLTAMI (n.)
The ancient art of being able to balance the hot and cold shower taps.
AMBLESIDE (n.)
A talk given about the Facts of Life by a father to his son whilst
walking in the garden on a Sunday afternoon.
AMERSHAM (n.)
The sneeze which tickles but never comes. (Thought to derive from the
Metropolitan Line tube station of the same name where the rails always
rattle but the train never arrives.)
AMLWCH (n.)
A British Rail sandwich which has been kept soft by being regulary
washed and resealed in clingfilm.
ARAGLIN (n. archaic)
A medieval practical joke played by young squires on a knight aspirant
the afternoon he is due to start his vigil. As the knight arrives at the
castle the squires attempt to raise the drawbridge very suddenly as the
knight and his charger step on to it.
ARDCRONY (n.)
A remote acquaintance passed off as 'a very good friend of mine' by
someone tring to impress people.
ARDSCALPSIE (n.)
Excuse made by rural Welsh hairdresser for completely massacring your
hair.
ARDSCULL (n.)
Excuse made by rural Welsh hairdresser for deep wounds inflicted on
your scalp in an attempt to rectify whatever it was that induced the
ardscalpsie (q.v.).
ARDSLIGNISH (adj.)
Adjective which describes the behaviour of Sellotape when you are
tired.
ARTICLAVE (n.)
A clever architectural construction designed to give the illusion from
the top deck of a bus that it is far too big for the road.
AYNHO (vb.)
Of waiters, never to have a pen.
BABWORTH
Something which justifies having a really good cry.
BALDOCK
The sharp prong on the top of a tree stump where the tree has snapped
off before being completely sawn through.
BALLYCUMBER
One of the six half-read books lying somewhere in your bed.
BANFF
Pertaining to, or descriptive of, that kind of facial expression which
is impossible to achieve except when having a passport photograph taken.
BANTEER
A lusty and reucous old ballad sung after a particulary spectacular
araglin (q.v.) has been pulled off.
BARSTIBLEY
A homorous device such as a china horse or smalled naked porcelain
infant which jocular hosts use of piss water into your Scotch with.
BAUGHURST
That kind of large fierce ugly woman who owns a small fierce ugly dog.
BAUMBER
A fitted eleasticated bottom sheet which turns your mattress
bananashaped.
BEALINGS
The unsavoury parts of a moat which a knight has to pour out of his
armour after being the victim of an araglin (q.v.). In medieval Flanders,
soup made from bealins was a very sligthly sought-after delicacy.
BEAULIEU HILL
The optimum vantage point from which one to view people undressing in
the bedroom across the street.
BECCLES
The small bone buttons placed in bacon sandwiches by unemploymed
guerrilla dentist.
BEDFONT
A lurching sensation in the pit of the stomach experienced at breakfast
in a hotel, occasioned by the realisation that it is about now that the
chamber- maid will have discovered the embarrassing stain on your botton
sheet.
BELPER
A knob of someone else's chewing gum which you unexpectedly find your
hand resting on under a deks top, under the passenger seat of your car or on
somebody's thigh under their skirt.
BENBURB
The sort of man who becomes a returning officer.
BEREPPER
The irrevocable and sturdy fart released in the presence of royalty,
which sounds quite like a small motorbike passing by (but not enough to be
confused with one).
BERKHAMSTED
The massive three-course midmorning blow-out enjoyed by a dieter who
has already done his or her slimming duty by having a teaspoonful of cottage
cheese for breakfast.
BERY POMEROY
1. The shape of a gourmet's lips.
2. The droplet of saliva which hangs from them.
BILBSTER
A pimple so hideous and enormous that you have to cover it with
sticking plaster and pretend you've cut yourself
shaveing.
BISHOP'S CAUNDLE
An opening gambit before a game of chess whereby the missing pieces are
replaced by small ornaments from the mantelpiece.
BLEAN
Scientific measure of luminosity :
1 glimmer = 100,000 bleans.
Usherettes' torches are designed to produce between 2.5 and 4 bleans,
enabling them to assist you in falling downstairs, treading on people or
putting your hand into a Neapolitan tub when reaching for change.
BLITHBURY
A look someone gives you by which you become aware that they're much
too drunk to have undertood anything you've said to them in the last twenty
minutes.
BLITTERLESS
The little slivers of bomboo picked off a cane chair by a nervous guest
which litter the carpet beneath and tell the chair's owner that the whole
piece of furniture is about to uncoil terribly and slowly until it resembles
a giant pencil sharpening.
BODMIN
The irrational and inevitable discrepancy between the amount pooled and
the amount needed when a large group of people try to pay a bill together
after a meal.
BOLSOVER
One of those brown plastic trays with bumps on, placed upside down in
boxes of chocolates to make you think you're-getting two layers.
BONKLE
Of plumbing in old hotels, to make loud and unexplained noises in the
nigth, particulary at about five o'clock in the morning.
BOOLTEENS
The small scatterings of foreign coins and half-p's which inhabit
dressing tables. Since they are never used and never thrown away boolteens
account for a significant drain on the world's money supply.
BOOTHBY GRAFFOE
1. The man in the pub who slaps people on the back as if
they were old friends, when in fact he has no friends,
largely on account of this habit.
2. Any story told by Robert Morley on chat shows.
BOSCASTLE
A huge pyramid of tin cans placed just inside the entrance to a
supermarket.
BOSEMAN
One who spends all day loafing about near pedestrian crossing looking
as if he's about to cross.
BOTCHERBY
The princible by which British roads are signposted.
BOTLEY
The prominent stain on a man's trouser crotch seen on his return from
the lavatory. A botley proper is caused by an accident with the push taps,
and should not be confused with any stain caused by insufficient waggling of
the willy.
BOTOLPHS
Huge benign tumours which archdeacons and old chemisty teachers affect
to wear on the sides of their noses.
BOTUSFLEMING
A small, long-handled steel trowel used by surgeons to remove the
contents of a patient's nostrils prior to a sinus operation.
BRADFORD
A school teacher's old hairy jacket, now severely discoloured by chalk
dust, ink, egg and the precipitations of uneditying chemical reactions.
BRADWORTHY
One who is skilled in the art of naming loaves.
BRECON
That part of the toenail which is designed to snag on nylon sheets.
BRISBANE
A perfectly resonable explanation (Such as the one offered by a person
with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they smoke
fifty cigarettes a day.)
BROATS
A pair of trousers with a career behind them. Broats are most commonly
seen on elderly retired army officers. Orginally the brats were part of
their best suit back in the thirties; then in the fifties they were demonted
and used for gardening. Recently pensions not being what they were, the
broats have been called out of retirement and reinstated as part of the best
suit again.
BROMPTON
A bromton is that which is said to have been committed when you are
convinced you are about to blow off with a resounding trumpeting noise in a
public place and all that acually slips out is a tiny 'pfpt'.
BROMSGROVE
Any urban environment containing a small amount of dogturd and about
forty-five tons of bent steel pylon or a lump of concrete with holes
claiming to be scuplture.
'Oh, come my dear, and come with
me.
And wander 'neath the bromsgrove
tree' - Betjeman.
BROUGH SOWERBY
One who has been working at that same desk in the same office for
fifteen years and has very much his own ideas about why he is continually
passed over for promotion.
BRUMBY
The fake antique plastic seal on a pretentious whisky bottle.
BRYMBO
The single unappetising bun left in a baker's shop after four p.m.
BUDBY
A nipple clearly defined thorugh flimsy or wet matereal.
BUDE
A polite joke reserved for use in the presence of vicars.
BULDOOO
a virulent red-coloured pus which genereally accompanies clonmult
(q.v.) and sandberge (q.v.)
BURBAGE
The sound made by a liftful of people all tring to breathe politely
through their noses.
BURES
The scabs on knees and elbows formed by a compulsion to make love on
cheap Habitat floor-matting.
BURLESTON
That peculary tuneless humming and whistling adopted by people who are
extremely angry.
BURLINGJOBB
A seventeenth-century crime by which excrement is thrown into the
street from a ground-floor window.
BURNT YATES
Condition to which yates (q.v.) will suddenly pass without any apparent
interviewing period, after the spirit of the throckmorton (q.v.) has finally
been summoned by incressant throcking (q.v.)
BURSLEDON
The bluebottle one is too tired to get up and start, but not tired
enough to sleep thorugh.
BURTON COGGLES
A bunch of keys found in a drawer whose purpose has long been
forgotten, and which can therefore now be used only for dropping down
people's backs as a cure for nose-bleeds.
BURWASH
The pleasureable cool sloosh of puddle water over the toes of your
gumboots.
CAARNDUNCAN (n.)
The high-pitched and insistent cry of the young female human urging one
of its peer group to do something dangerous on a cliff-edge or piece of
toxic waste ground.
CAIRNPAT (n.)
A large piece of dried dung found in mountainous terrain above the
cowline which leads the experienced tracker to believe that hikers have
recently passed.
CAMER (n.)
A mis-tossed caber.
CANNOCK CHASE (n.)
In any box of After Eight Mints, there is always a large number of
empty envelopes and no more that four or five actual mints. The cannock
chase is the process by which, no matter which part of the box often, you
will always extract most of the empty sachets before pinning down an actual
minot, or 'cannock'.
The cannock chase also occurs with people who put their dead matches
back in the matchbox, and then embarrass themselves at parties trying to
light cigarettes with tree quarters of an inch of charcoal.
The term is also used to describe futile attempts to pursue
unscrupulous advertising agencies who nick your ideas to sell chocolates
with.
CHENIES (pl.n.)
The last few sprigs or tassles of last Christmas's decoration you
notice on the ceiling while lying on the sofa on an August afternoon.
CHICAGO (n.)
The foul-smelling wind which precedes an underground railway train.
CHIPPING ONGAR (n.)
The discust and embarrassment (or 'ongar') felt by an observer in the
presence of a person festooned with kirbies (q.v.) when they don't know them
well enough to tell them to wipe them off, invariably this 'ongar' is
accompanied by an involuntary staccato twitching of the leg (or 'chipping')
CLABBY (adj.)
A 'clabby' conversation is one stuck up by a commissionare or cleaning
lady in order to avoid any futher actual work. The opening gambit is usually
designed to provoke the maximum confusion, and therefore the longest
possible clabby conversation. It is vitaly important to learn the correct,
or 'clixby' (q.v.), responses to a clabby gambit, and not to get trapped by
a 'ditherington' (q.v.). For instance, if confronted with a clabby gambit
such as 'Oh, mr Smith, I didn't know you'd had your leg off', the
ditherington response is 'I haven't....' whereas the clixby is 'good.'
CLACKAVOID (n.)
Technical BBC term for a page of dialogue from Blake's Seven.
CLACKMANNAN (n.)
The sound made by knocking over an elephant's-foot umbrella stand full
of walking sticks.
Hence name for a particular kind of disco drum riff.
CLATHY (adj.)
Nervously indecisive about how safely to dispost of a dud lightbulb.
CLENCHWARTON (n. archaic)
One who assists an exorcist by squeezing whichever part of the
possessed the exorcist deems useful.
CLIXBY (adj.)
Politely rude. Bliskly vague. Firmly uninformative.
CLONMULT (n.)
A yellow ooze usually found near secretionns of buldoo (q.v.) and
sadberge (q.v.)
CLOVIS (q.v.)
One who actually looks forward to putting up the Christmas decorations
in the office.
CLUN (n.)
A leg which has gone to sleep and has to be hauled around after you.
CLUNES (pl.n.)
People who just won't go.
CONDOVER (n.)
One who is employed to stand about all day browsing through the
magazine racks in the newsagent.
CONG (n.)
Stange-shaped metal utensil found at the back of the saucepan cupboard.
Many authorities believe that congs provide conclusive proof of the
existence of a now extinct form of yellow vegetable which the Victorians
used to boil mercilessly.
CORFE (n.)
An object which is almost totally indistinguishable from a newspaper,
the one crucial difference being tat it belongs to somebody else and is
unaccountably much more interesting that your own - which may otherwice
appear to be in all respects identical.
Though it is a rule of life that a train or other public place may
contain any number of corfes but only one newspaper, it is quite possible to
transform your own perfectly ordinary newspaper into a corfe by the simple
expedient of letting somebody else read it.
CORFU (n.)
The dullest person you met during the course of your holiday. Also the
only one who failed to understand that the exchanging of addresses at the
end of a holiday is merely a social ritual and is absolutly not an
invitation to phone you up and turn up unannounced on your doorstep three
months later.
CORRIEARKLET (n.)
The moment at which two people approaching from opposite ends of a long
passageway, recognice each other and immediately pretend they haven't. This
is to avoid the ghastly embarrassment of having to continue recognising each
other the whole length of the corridor.
CORRIECRAVIE (n.)
To avert the horrors of corrievorrie (q.v.) corriecravie is usually
employed. This is the cowardly but highly skilled process by which both
protagonists continue to approach while keeping up the pretence that they
haven't noticed each other - by staring furiously at their feet, grimacing
into a notebook, or studying the walls closely as if in a mood of deep
irritation.
CORRIEDOO (n.)
The crucial moment of false recognition in a long passageway encouter.
Though both people are perfectly well aware that the other is approaching,
they must eventually pretend sudden recognition. They now look up with a
glassy smile, as if having spotted each other for the firt time, (and are
particulary delighted to have done so) shouting out 'Haaaaaallllloooo!' as
if to say 'Good grief!! You!! Here!! Of all people! Will I never. Coo. Stap
me vitals, etc.'
CORRIEMOILLIE (n.)
The dreadful sinking sensation in a long passageway encounter when both
protagonists immediately realise they have plumped for the corriedoo (q.v.)
mutch too early as they are still a good thirty yards apart. They were
embarrased by the pretence of corriecravie (q.v.) and decided to make use of
the corriedoo because they felt silly. This was a mistake as corrievorrie
(q.v.) will make them seem far sillier.
CORRIEVORRIE (n.)
Corridor etiquette demans that one a corriedoo (q.v.) has been
declared, corrievorrie must be employed. Both protagonists must now
embellish their approach with an embarrassing combination of waving,
grinning, making idiot faces, doing pirate impressions, and waggling the
head from side to side while holding the other person's eyes as the smile
drips off their face, until with great relief, they pass each other.
CORRIEMUCHLOCH (n.)
Word describing the kind of person who can make a complete mess of a
simple job like walking down a corridor.
CORSTORPHINE (n.)
A very short peremptory service held in monasteries prior to teatime to
offer thanks for the benediction of digestive biscuits.
COTTERSTOCK (n.)
A piece of wood used to stir paint and thereafter stored uselessly in a
shed in perpetuity.
CRAIL (n. mineral)
Crail is a common kind of rock or gravel found widely across the
British Isles.
Each individual stone (due to an as yet undiscovered gravtitaional
property) is charged with 'negative buoyancy'.
This means that no matter how much crail you remove from the garden,
more of it will rise to the surface.
Crail is much employed by the Royal Navy for making the paperweights
and ashtrays used inside submarines.
CRANLEIGH (n.)
A mood of irrational irritation with everyone and everything.
CROMARTY (n.)
The brittle sludge which clings to the top of ketchup bottles and
plastic tomatoes in nasty cafes.
CURRY MALLET (n.)
A large wooden or rubber cub which poachers use to despatch cats or
other game which they can only sell to Indian resturants. For particulary
small cats the price obtainable is not worth the cost of expending
ammunition.
DALRYMPLE (n.)
Dalarymples are the things you pay extra for on pieces of hand-made
crarftwork - the rough edges, the paint smudges and the holes in the
glazing.
DAMNAGLAUR (n.)
A certain facial expression which actors are required to demonstrate
their mastery of before they are allowed to play Macbeth.
DARENTH (n.)
Measure = 0.0000176 mg.
Defined as that amount of margarine capable of covering one hounred
slices of bread to the depth of one molecule. This is the legal maximum
allowed in sandwich bars in Greater London.
DEAL (n.)
The gummy substance found between damp toes.
DEEPING ST NICHOLAS (n.)
What street-wise kids do at Christmas. They hide on the rooftops
waiting for Santa Claus so that if he arrives and goes down the chimney,
they can rip stuff off from his sleigh.
DES MOINES (pl.n.)
The two little lines which come down from your nose.
DETCHANT (n.)
That part of a hymn (usually a few notes at the end of a verse) where
the tune goes so high or low that you suddenly have to change octaves to
accommodate it.
DETCHANT (n.)
(Of the hands or feet.) Preunelike after an overlong bath.
DIDCOT (n.)
The tiny oddly-shaped bit of card which a ticket inspector cuts out of
a ticket with his clipper for no apparent reason. It is a little-known fact
that the confetti at Princess Margaret's wedding was made up of thousands of
didcots collected by inspectors on the Royal Train.
DIDLING (participal vb.)
The process of tring to work out who did it when reading a whodunnit,
and trying to keep your options open so that when you find out you can allow
yourself to think that you knew perfectly well who it was all along.
DILLYTOP (n.)
The kind of bath plug which for some unaccountable reason is actually
designed to sit on top of the hole rather than fit into it.
DIBBLE (vb.)
To try to remove a sticky something from one hand with the other, thus
causeing it to get stuck to the other hand and eventually to anything else
you try to remove it with.
DITHERINGTON (n)
Sudden access to panic experienced by one who realises that he is being
drawn inexorably into a clabby (q.v.) conversion, i.e. one he has no hope of
enjoying, benefiting from or understanding.
DITTISHAM (n.)
Any music you hear on the radio to which you have to listen very
carefully to determine whether it is an advertising jingle or a bona fide
record.
DOBWALLS (pl.n.)
The now hard-boiled bits of nastiness which have to be prised off
crockery by hand after it has been through a dishwasher.
DOBWALLS (pl.n.)
The now hard-boiled bits of nastiness which have to be prised off
crockery by hand after it has been through a dishwasher.
DOCKERY (n.)
Facetious behaviour adopted by an accused man in the mistaken belief
that this will endear him to the judge.
DOGDYKE (vb.)
Of dog-owners, to adopt the absurd pretence that the animal shitting in
the gutter is nothing to do with them.
DOLEGELLAU (n.)
The clump, or cluster, of bored, quietly enraged, mildly embarrassed
men waiting for their wives to come out of a changing room in a dress shop.
DORCHESTER (n.)
A throaty cough by someone else so timed as to obscure the crucial part
of the rather amusing remark you've just made.
DORRIDGE (n.)
Technical term for one of the lame excuses written in very small print
on the side of packets of food or washing powder to explain why there's
hardly anything inside. Examples include 'Contents may have settled in
transit' and 'To keep each biscuit fresh they have been individually wrapped
in silver paper and cellophane and separated with courrugated lining, a
carboard flap, and heavy industrial tyres'.
DRAFFAN (n.)
An infuriating person who always manages to look much more dashing that
anyone else by turning up unshaven and hungover at a formal party.
DREBLEY (n.)
Name for a shop which is supposed to be witty but is in fact wearisome,
e.g. 'The Frock Exchange', 'Hair Apparent', etc.
DROITWICH (n.)
A street dance. The two partners approach from opposite directions and
try politely to get out of each other's way. They step to the left, step to
the right, apologise, step to the left again, apologise again, bump into
each other and repeat as often as unnecessary.
DUBUQUE (n.)
A look given by a superior person to someone who has arrived wearing
the wrong sort of shoes.
DUDOO (n.)
The most deformed potato in any given collection of potatoes.
DUGGLEBY (n.)
The person in front of you in the supermarket queue who has just
unloaded a bulging trolley on to the conveyor belt and is now in the process
of trying to work out which pocket they left their cheque book in, and
indeed which pair of trousers.
DULEEK (n.)
Sudden realisation, as you lie in bed waiting for the alarm to go off,
that it should have gone off an hour ago.
DULUTH (adj.)
The smell of a taxi out of which people have just got.
DUNBAR (n.)
A highly specialised fiscal term used solely by trunstile operatives at
Regnet's Part zoo. It refers to the variable amount of increase in the
variable gate takings on a Sunday afternoon, caused by persons going to the
zoo because they are in love and believe that the feeling of romace will be
somehow enhanced by the smell of panther sweat and rank incontinence in the
reptile house.
DUNBOYNE (n.)
The moment of realisation that the train you have just patiently
watched pulling out of the station was the one you were meant to be on.
DUNCRAGGON (n.)
The name of Charles Bronson's retirement cottage.
DUNGENESS (n.)
The uneasy feeling that the plastic handles of the overloaded
supermarket carrier bag you are carrying are getting steadily longer.
DUNTISH (adj.)
Mentally incapacitated by severe hangover.
EAST WITTERING (n.)
The same as west wittering (q.v.) only it's you they've trying to get
away from.
EDGBASTON (n.)
The spare seat-cushion carried by a London bus, which is placed against
the rear bumper when the driver wishes to indicate that the bus has broken
down. No one knows how this charming old custon orginated or how long it
will continue.
ELY (n.)
The first, tiniest inkling you get that something, somewhere, has gone
teribly wrong.
EMSWORTH (n.)
Measure of time and noiselessness defined as the moment between the
doors of a lift closing and it beginning to move.
EPPING (participial vb.)
The futile movements of forefingers and eyebrows used when failing to
attract the attention of waiters and barmen.
EPSOM (n.)
An entry in a diary (such as a date or a set of initials) or a name and
address in your address book, which you haven't the faintest idea what it's
doing there.
EPWORTH (n.)
The preciese value of the usefulness of epping (q.v.) it is a
little-known fact than an earlier draft of the final line of the film Gone
with the Wind had Clark Gable saying 'Frankly my dear, i don't give an
epworth', the line being eventually changed on the grounds that it might not
be understood in Cleveland.
ERIBOLL (n.)
A brown bubble of cheese containing gaseous matter which grows on welsh
rarebit. It was Sir Alexander Flemming's study of eribolls which led,
indirectly, to his discovery of the fact that he didn't like welsh rarebit
very much.
ESHER (n.)
One of those push tapes installed in public washrooms enabling the user
to wash their trousers without actually getting into the basin. The most
powerful esher of recent years was 'damped down' by Red Adair after an
incredible sixty-eight days' fight in Manchester's Piccadilly Station.
EVERSCREECH (n.)
The look given by a group of polite, angry people to a rude, calm
queuebarger.
EWELME (n.)
The smile bestowed on you by an air hostess.
EXETER (n.)
All light household and electrical goods contain a number of vital
components plus at least one exeter.
If you've just mended a fuse, changed a bulb or fixed a blender, the
exeter is the small, flat or round plastic or bakelite piece left over which
means you have to undo everything and start all over again.
FAIRYMOUNT (vb.n.)
Polite word for buggery.
FARDUCKMANTON (n. archaic)
An ancient edict, mysteriously omitted from the Domesday Book,
requiring that the feeding of fowl on village ponds should be carried out
equitably.
FARNHAM (n.)
The feeling you get about four o'clock in the afternoon when you
haven't got enough done.
FARRANCASSIDY (n.)
A long and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to undo someone's bra.
FEAKLE (vb.)
To make facial expressions similar to those that old gentlemen make to
young girls in the playground.
FINUGE (vb.)
In any divisjon of foodstuffs equally between several people, to give
yourself the extra slice left over.
FIUNARY (n.)
The safe place you put something and then forget where it was.
FLIMBY (n.)
One of those irritating handle-less slippery translucent plastic bags
you get in supermarkets which, no matter how you hold them, always contrive
to let something fall out.
FLODIGARRY (n. Scots)
An ankle-length gaberdine or oilskin tarpaulin worn by deep-sea herring
fishermen in Arbroath and publicans in Glasgow.
FOINDLE (vb.)
To queue-jump very discretly by working one's way up the line without
being spotted doing so.
FORSINAIN (n. archaic)
The right of the lord of the manor to molest dwarves on their
birthdays.
FOVANT (n.)
A taxi driver's gesture, a raised hand pointed out of the window which
purports to mean 'thank you' and actually means 'fuck off out of the way'.
FRADDAM (n.)
The small awkward-shaped piece of cheese which remains after grating a
large regular-shaped piece of cheese and enables you to cut your fingers.
FRAMLINGHAM (n.)
A kind of burglar alarm usage. It is cunningly designed so that it can
ring at full volume in the street without apparently disturbing anyone.
Other types of framlingams are burglar alarms fitted to business
premises in residential areas, which go off as a matter of regular routine
at 5.31 p.m. on a Friday evening and do not get turned off til 9.20 a.m. on
Monday morning.
FRANT (n.)
Measure. The legal minimum distance between two trains on the District
and Circle line of the London Underground. A frant, which must be not less
than 122 chains (or 8 leagues) long, is not connected in any way with the
adjective 'frantic' which comes to us by a completely different route (as
indeed do the trains).
FRATING GREEN (adj.)
The shade of green which is supposed to make you feel comfortable in
hospitals, industrious in schools and uneasy in police stations.
FRIMLEY (n.)
Exaggerated carefree saunter adopted by Norman Wisdom as an immediate
prelude to dropping down an open manhole.
FRING (n.)
The noise made by light bulb which has just shone its last.
FROLESWORTH (n.)
Measure. The minimum time it is necessary to spend frowning in deep
concentration at each picture in an art gallery in order that everyone else
doesn't think you've a complete moron.
FROSSES (pl.n.)
The lecherous looks exchanged between sixteen-year-olds at a party
given by someone's parents.
FULKING (participial vb.)
Pretendig not to be in when the carol-singers come round.
GALASHIELS (pl.n.)
A form of particulary long sparse sideburns which are part of the
mandatory uniform of British Rail guards.
GALLIPOLI (adj.)
Of the behaviour of a bottom lip trying to spit mouthwash after an
injection at the dentist. Hence, loose, floppy, useless.
'She went suddenly Gallipoli in his arms' - Noel Coward.
GANGES (n. rare : colonial Indian)
Leg-rash contracted from playing too much polo. (It is a little-known
fact that Prince Charles is troubled by ganges down the inside of his arms.)
GASTARD (n.)
Useful specially new-coined word for an illegitimate child (in order to
distinguish it from soneone who merely carves you up on the motorway, etc.)
GILDERSOME (adj.)
Descriptive of a joke someone tells you which starts well, but which
becomes so embellished in the telling that you start to weary of it after
scarely half an hour.
GIPPING (participial vb.)
The fish-like opening and closing of the jaws seen amongst people who
have recently been to the dentist and are puzzled as to whether their teeth
have been put back the right way up.
GLASGOW (n.)
The feeling of infinite sadness engendered when walking through a place
filled with happy people fifteen years younger than yourself.
GLASSEL (n.)
A seaside pebble which was shiny and interesting when wet, and which is
now a lump of rock, which children nevertheless insist on filing their
suitcases with after the holiday.
GLAZELEY (adj.)
The state of a barrister's flat greasy hair after wearing a wig all
day.
GLEMENUILT (n.)
The kind of guilt which you'd completely forgotten about which comes
roaring back on discovering an old letter in a cupboard.
GLENTAGGART (n.)
A particular kind of tartan hold-all, made exclusive under licence for
British Airways.
When waiting to collect your luggage from an airport conveyour belt,
you will notice that on the next consingle, solitary bag going round and
round uncollected. This is a glentaggart, which has been placed there by the
baggage-handling staff to take your mind off the fact that your own luggage
will shortly be landing in Murmansk.
GLENTIES (pl.n.)
Series of small steps by which someone who has made a serious tactical
error in a conversion or argument moves from complete disagreement to
wholehearted agreement.
GLENWHILLY (n. Scots)
A small tartan pouch worn beneath the kilt during the thistle-harvest.
GLINSK (n.)
A hat which politicans but to go to Russia in.
GLORORUM (n.)
One who takes pleasure in informing others about their bowel movements.
GLOSSOP (n.)
A rouge blob of food.
Glossops, which are generally streaming hot and highly adhesive
invariably fall off your spoon and on to the surface of your host's highly
polished antique-rosewood dining table. If this has not, or may not have,
been noticed by the company present, swanage (q.v.) may be employed.
GLUTT LODGE (n.)
The place where food can be stored after having a tooth extracted. Some
Arabs can go without sustenance for up to six weeks on a full glutt lodge,
hence the expression 'the shit of the dessert'.
GLOADBY MARWOOD (n.)
Someone who stops Jon Cleese on the street and demands that he does a
funny walk.
GODALMING (n.)
Wonderful rush of relief on discovering that the ely (q.v.) and the
wembley (q.v.) were in fact false alarms.
GOLANT (adj.)
Blank, sly and faintly embarrasssed. Pertaining to the expression seen
on the face of someone who has clearly forgotten your name.
GOOLE (n.)
The puddle on the bar into which the barman puts your change.
GOOSECRUIVES (pl. n. archaic)
A parit of wooden trousers worn by poultry-keepers in the Middle Ages.
GOOSNARGH (n.)
Something left over from preparing or eating a meal, which you store in
the fridge despite the fact that you know full well you will never ever use
it.
GREAT TOSSON (n.)
A fat book containing four words and six cartoons which cost ё6.95.
GREAT WAKERING (participal vb.)
Panic which sets in when you badly need to go to the lavatory and
cannot make up your mind about what book or magazine to take with you.
GREELEY (n.)
Someone who continually annoys you by continually apologising for
annoying you.
GRETNA GREEN (adj.)
A shade of green which cartoon characters dangle over the edge of a
cliff.
GRIMMET (n.)
A small bush from which cartoon characters dangle over the edge of a
cliff.
GRIMSBY (n.)
A lump of something gristly and foultasting concealed in a mouthful of
stew or pie.
Grimsbies are sometimes merely the result of careless cookery, but more
often they are placed there deliberately by Freemasons. Grimbies can be
purchased in bulk from any respectable Masonic butcher on giving him the
secret Masonic handbag. One is then placed correct masonic method of dealing
with it. If the guest is not a Mason, the host may find it entertaining to
watch how he handles the obnoxious object. It may be
(a) manfully swallowed, invariably bringing tears to the eyes.
(b) chewed with resolution for up to twenty minutes before eventually
resorting to method (a)
(c) choked on fatally.
The Masonic handshake is easily recognised by another Mason
incidentally, for by it a used grimsby is passed from hand to hand.
The secret Masonic method for dealing with a grimsby is as follows :
remove it carefully with the silver tongs provided, using the left hand.
Cross the room to your host, hopping on one leg, and ram the grimsby firmly
up his nose, shouting, 'Take that, you smug Masonic bastard.'
GRINSTEAD (n.)
The state of a lady's clothing after she has been to powder her nose
and has hitched up her tights over her skirt at the back, thus exposing her
bottom, and has walked out without noticing it.
GUERNSEY (adj.)
Queasy but umbowed. The kind of feeling one gets when discovering a
plastic compartment in a fridge in which thing are growing.
GWEEK (n.)
A coat hanger recycled as a car aerial.
HADZOR (n.)
A sharp instument placed in the washing-up bowl which makes it easier
to cut yourself.
HAGNABY (n.)
Someone who looked a lot more attractive in the disco than they do in
your bed the next morning.
HALCRO (n.)
An adhesive fibrous cloth used to hold babies' clothes together.
Thousands of tiny pieces of jam 'hook' on to thousands of tiny-pieces of
dribble, enabling the cloth to become 'sticky'.
HALIFAX (n.)
The green synthetic astroturf on which greengrocers display their
vegetables.
HAMBLEDON (n.)
The sound of a single-engined aircraft flying by, heard whilst lying in
a summer field in England, which somehow concentrates the silence and sense
of space and timelessness and leaves one with a profound feeling of
something or other.
HAPPLE (vb.)
To annoy people by finishing their sentences for them and then telling
them what they really meant to say.
HARBLEDOWN (vb.)
To manoeuvre a double mattress down a winding staircase.
HARBOTTLE (n.)
A particular kind of fly which lives inside double glazing.
HARPENDEN (n.)
The coda to a phone conversion, consisting of about eight exchanges, by
which people try gracefully to get off the line.
HASELBURY PLUCKNETT (n.)
A mechanical device for cleaning combs invented during the industrial
revoulution at the same time as Arkwright's Spinning Jenny, but which didn't
catch on in the same way.
HASSOP (n.)
The pocket down the back of an armchair used for storing two-shilling
bits and pieces of Lego.
HASTINGS (pl.n.)
Things sain on the spur of the moment to explain to someone who comes
into a room unexpectedly precisely what it is you are doing.
HATHERSAGE (n.)
The tiny snippets of beard which coat the inside of a washbasin after
shaving in it.
HAUGHAM (n.)
One who loudly informs other diners in a resturant what kind of man he
is by calling for the chef by his christian name from the lobby.
HAXBY (n.)
Any garden implement found in a potating shed whose exact purpose is
unclear.
HEATON PUNCHARDON (n.)
A violent argument which breaks out in the car on the way home from a
party between a couple who have had to be polite to each other in company
all evening.
HENSTRIDGE (n.)
The dried yellow substance found between the prongs of forks in
resturants.
HERSTMONCEUX (n.)
The correct name for the gold medallion worn by someone who is in the
habit of wearing their shirt open to the waist.
HEVER (n.)
The panic caused by half-hearing Tannoy in an airport.
HIBBING (n.)
The marks left on the outside breast pocket of a storekeeper's overall
where he has put away his pen and missed.
HICKLING (participial vb.)
The practice of infuriating teatregoers by not only arriving late to a
centre-row seat, but also loudly apologising to and patting each member of
the audience in turn.
HIDCOTE BARTRAM (n.)
To be caught in a hidcote bartram is to say a series of protracted and
final goodbytes to a group of people, leave the house and then realise
you've left your hat behind.
HIGH LIMERIGG (n.)
The topmost tread of a staircase which disappers when you've climbing
the stairs in the darkness.
HIGH OFFLEY (n.)
Gossnargh (q.v.) three weeks later.
HOBBS CROSS (n.)
The awkward leaping manoeuvre a girl has to go throught in bed in order
to make him sleep on the wet patch.
HODDLESDEN (n.)
An 'injured' footballer's limb back into the game which draws applause
but doesn't fool anybody.
HODNET (n.)
The woodn safety platform supported by scaffolding round a building
under construction from which the builders (at almost no personal risk) can
drop pieces of cement on passers-by.
HOFF (vb.)
To deny indignantly something which is palpably true.
HOGGESTON (n.)
The action of overshaking a pair of dice in a cup in the mistaken
belief that this will affect the eventual outcome in your favour and not
irritate everyone else.
HORTON-CUM-STUDLEY (n.)
The combination of little helpful grunts, nodding movements of the
head, considerate smiles, upward frowns and serious pauses that a group of
people join in making in trying to elicit the next pronouncement of somebody
with a dreadful stutter.
HOVE (adj.)
Descriptive of the expression seen onthe face of one person in the
presence of another who clearly isn't going to stop talking for a very long
time.
HOYLAKE (n.)
The pool of edible gravy which surrounds an inedible and discusting
lump of meat - eaten to give the impression that the person is 'just not
very hungry, but mmm this is delicious'.
Cf. Peaslake - a similar experience had by vegetarians.
HUBY (n.)
A half-erection large enough to be a publicly embarrassing bulge in the
trousers, not large enough to be of any use to anybody.
HUCKNALL (vb.)
To crouch upwards: as in the movement of a seated person's feet and
legs made in order to allow a cleaner's hoover to pass beneath them.
HULL (adj.)
Descriptive of the smell of a weekend cottage.
HUMBER (vb.)
To move like the cheeks of a very fat person as their car goes over a
A liqeur made only for drinking at the end of a revoltingly long bottle
party when all the drinkable drink has been drunk.
ABERBEEG (vb.)
Of amateur actors, to adopt a Mexican accent when called upon to play
any variety of foreigner (except Pakistanis - from whom a Welsh accent is
considered sufficient).
ABERCRAVE (vb.)
To strongly desire to swing from the pole on the rear footplate of a
bus.
ABERYSTWYTH (n.)
A nostalgic yearning which is in itself more pleasant than the thing
being yearned for.
ABILENE (adj.)
Descriptive of the pleasing coolness on the reverse side of the pillow.
ABINGER (n.)
One who washes up everything except the frying pan, the cheese grater
and the saucepan which the chocolate sauce has been made in.
ABOYNE (vb.)
To beat an expert at a game of skill by playing so appallingly that
none of his clever tactics or strategies are of any use to him.
ACLE (n.)
The rouge pin which shirtmakers conceal in the most improbable fold of
a new shirt. Its function is to stab you when you don the garment.
ADLESTROP (n.)
That part of a suitcase which is designed to get snarled up on conveyor
belts at airports. Some of the more modern adlestrop designs have a special
'quick release' feature which enables the case to flip open at this point
and fling your underclothes into the conveyor belt's gearing mechanism.
ADRIGOLE (n.)
The centrepiece of a merry-go-round on which the man with the tickets
stands unnervingly still.
AFFCOT (n.)
The sort of fart you hope people will talk after.
AFFPUDDLE (n.)
A puddle which is hidden under a pivoted paving stone. You only know
it's there when you step on the paving stone and the puddle shoots up your
leg.
AGGLETHORPE (n.)
A dispute between two pooves in a boutique.
AHENNY (adj.)
The way people stand when examining other people's bookshelves.
AIGBURTH (n.)
Any piece of readily identifiable anatomy found amongst cooked meat.
AINDERBY QUERNHOW (n.)
One who continually bemoans the 'loss' of the word 'gay' to the English
language, even though they had never used the word in any context at all
until they started complaining that they couldn't use it any more.
AINDERBY STEEPLE (n.)
One who asks you a question with the apparent motive of wanting to hear
your answer, but who cuts short your opening sentence by leaning forward and
saying 'and I'll tell you why I ask...' and then talking solidly for the
next hour.
AINSWORTH (n.)
The length of time it takes to get served in a camera shop. Hence,
also, how long we will have to wait for the abolition of income tax or the
Second Coming.
AIRD OF SLEAT (n. archaic)
Ancient Scottish curse placed from afar on the stretch of land now
occupided by Heathrow Airport.
AITH (n.)
The single bristle that sticks out sideways on a cheap paintbrush.
ALBUQUERQUE (n.)
A shapeless squiggle which is utterly unlike your normal signature, but
which is, nevertheless, all you are able to produce when asked formally to
identify yourself.
Muslims, whose religion forbids the making of graven images, use
albuquerques to decorate their towels, menu cards and pyjamas.
ALDCLUNE (n.)
One who collects ten-year-old telephone directories.
ALLTAMI (n.)
The ancient art of being able to balance the hot and cold shower taps.
AMBLESIDE (n.)
A talk given about the Facts of Life by a father to his son whilst
walking in the garden on a Sunday afternoon.
AMERSHAM (n.)
The sneeze which tickles but never comes. (Thought to derive from the
Metropolitan Line tube station of the same name where the rails always
rattle but the train never arrives.)
AMLWCH (n.)
A British Rail sandwich which has been kept soft by being regulary
washed and resealed in clingfilm.
ARAGLIN (n. archaic)
A medieval practical joke played by young squires on a knight aspirant
the afternoon he is due to start his vigil. As the knight arrives at the
castle the squires attempt to raise the drawbridge very suddenly as the
knight and his charger step on to it.
ARDCRONY (n.)
A remote acquaintance passed off as 'a very good friend of mine' by
someone tring to impress people.
ARDSCALPSIE (n.)
Excuse made by rural Welsh hairdresser for completely massacring your
hair.
ARDSCULL (n.)
Excuse made by rural Welsh hairdresser for deep wounds inflicted on
your scalp in an attempt to rectify whatever it was that induced the
ardscalpsie (q.v.).
ARDSLIGNISH (adj.)
Adjective which describes the behaviour of Sellotape when you are
tired.
ARTICLAVE (n.)
A clever architectural construction designed to give the illusion from
the top deck of a bus that it is far too big for the road.
AYNHO (vb.)
Of waiters, never to have a pen.
BABWORTH
Something which justifies having a really good cry.
BALDOCK
The sharp prong on the top of a tree stump where the tree has snapped
off before being completely sawn through.
BALLYCUMBER
One of the six half-read books lying somewhere in your bed.
BANFF
Pertaining to, or descriptive of, that kind of facial expression which
is impossible to achieve except when having a passport photograph taken.
BANTEER
A lusty and reucous old ballad sung after a particulary spectacular
araglin (q.v.) has been pulled off.
BARSTIBLEY
A homorous device such as a china horse or smalled naked porcelain
infant which jocular hosts use of piss water into your Scotch with.
BAUGHURST
That kind of large fierce ugly woman who owns a small fierce ugly dog.
BAUMBER
A fitted eleasticated bottom sheet which turns your mattress
bananashaped.
BEALINGS
The unsavoury parts of a moat which a knight has to pour out of his
armour after being the victim of an araglin (q.v.). In medieval Flanders,
soup made from bealins was a very sligthly sought-after delicacy.
BEAULIEU HILL
The optimum vantage point from which one to view people undressing in
the bedroom across the street.
BECCLES
The small bone buttons placed in bacon sandwiches by unemploymed
guerrilla dentist.
BEDFONT
A lurching sensation in the pit of the stomach experienced at breakfast
in a hotel, occasioned by the realisation that it is about now that the
chamber- maid will have discovered the embarrassing stain on your botton
sheet.
BELPER
A knob of someone else's chewing gum which you unexpectedly find your
hand resting on under a deks top, under the passenger seat of your car or on
somebody's thigh under their skirt.
BENBURB
The sort of man who becomes a returning officer.
BEREPPER
The irrevocable and sturdy fart released in the presence of royalty,
which sounds quite like a small motorbike passing by (but not enough to be
confused with one).
BERKHAMSTED
The massive three-course midmorning blow-out enjoyed by a dieter who
has already done his or her slimming duty by having a teaspoonful of cottage
cheese for breakfast.
BERY POMEROY
1. The shape of a gourmet's lips.
2. The droplet of saliva which hangs from them.
BILBSTER
A pimple so hideous and enormous that you have to cover it with
sticking plaster and pretend you've cut yourself
shaveing.
BISHOP'S CAUNDLE
An opening gambit before a game of chess whereby the missing pieces are
replaced by small ornaments from the mantelpiece.
BLEAN
Scientific measure of luminosity :
1 glimmer = 100,000 bleans.
Usherettes' torches are designed to produce between 2.5 and 4 bleans,
enabling them to assist you in falling downstairs, treading on people or
putting your hand into a Neapolitan tub when reaching for change.
BLITHBURY
A look someone gives you by which you become aware that they're much
too drunk to have undertood anything you've said to them in the last twenty
minutes.
BLITTERLESS
The little slivers of bomboo picked off a cane chair by a nervous guest
which litter the carpet beneath and tell the chair's owner that the whole
piece of furniture is about to uncoil terribly and slowly until it resembles
a giant pencil sharpening.
BODMIN
The irrational and inevitable discrepancy between the amount pooled and
the amount needed when a large group of people try to pay a bill together
after a meal.
BOLSOVER
One of those brown plastic trays with bumps on, placed upside down in
boxes of chocolates to make you think you're-getting two layers.
BONKLE
Of plumbing in old hotels, to make loud and unexplained noises in the
nigth, particulary at about five o'clock in the morning.
BOOLTEENS
The small scatterings of foreign coins and half-p's which inhabit
dressing tables. Since they are never used and never thrown away boolteens
account for a significant drain on the world's money supply.
BOOTHBY GRAFFOE
1. The man in the pub who slaps people on the back as if
they were old friends, when in fact he has no friends,
largely on account of this habit.
2. Any story told by Robert Morley on chat shows.
BOSCASTLE
A huge pyramid of tin cans placed just inside the entrance to a
supermarket.
BOSEMAN
One who spends all day loafing about near pedestrian crossing looking
as if he's about to cross.
BOTCHERBY
The princible by which British roads are signposted.
BOTLEY
The prominent stain on a man's trouser crotch seen on his return from
the lavatory. A botley proper is caused by an accident with the push taps,
and should not be confused with any stain caused by insufficient waggling of
the willy.
BOTOLPHS
Huge benign tumours which archdeacons and old chemisty teachers affect
to wear on the sides of their noses.
BOTUSFLEMING
A small, long-handled steel trowel used by surgeons to remove the
contents of a patient's nostrils prior to a sinus operation.
BRADFORD
A school teacher's old hairy jacket, now severely discoloured by chalk
dust, ink, egg and the precipitations of uneditying chemical reactions.
BRADWORTHY
One who is skilled in the art of naming loaves.
BRECON
That part of the toenail which is designed to snag on nylon sheets.
BRISBANE
A perfectly resonable explanation (Such as the one offered by a person
with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they smoke
fifty cigarettes a day.)
BROATS
A pair of trousers with a career behind them. Broats are most commonly
seen on elderly retired army officers. Orginally the brats were part of
their best suit back in the thirties; then in the fifties they were demonted
and used for gardening. Recently pensions not being what they were, the
broats have been called out of retirement and reinstated as part of the best
suit again.
BROMPTON
A bromton is that which is said to have been committed when you are
convinced you are about to blow off with a resounding trumpeting noise in a
public place and all that acually slips out is a tiny 'pfpt'.
BROMSGROVE
Any urban environment containing a small amount of dogturd and about
forty-five tons of bent steel pylon or a lump of concrete with holes
claiming to be scuplture.
'Oh, come my dear, and come with
me.
And wander 'neath the bromsgrove
tree' - Betjeman.
BROUGH SOWERBY
One who has been working at that same desk in the same office for
fifteen years and has very much his own ideas about why he is continually
passed over for promotion.
BRUMBY
The fake antique plastic seal on a pretentious whisky bottle.
BRYMBO
The single unappetising bun left in a baker's shop after four p.m.
BUDBY
A nipple clearly defined thorugh flimsy or wet matereal.
BUDE
A polite joke reserved for use in the presence of vicars.
BULDOOO
a virulent red-coloured pus which genereally accompanies clonmult
(q.v.) and sandberge (q.v.)
BURBAGE
The sound made by a liftful of people all tring to breathe politely
through their noses.
BURES
The scabs on knees and elbows formed by a compulsion to make love on
cheap Habitat floor-matting.
BURLESTON
That peculary tuneless humming and whistling adopted by people who are
extremely angry.
BURLINGJOBB
A seventeenth-century crime by which excrement is thrown into the
street from a ground-floor window.
BURNT YATES
Condition to which yates (q.v.) will suddenly pass without any apparent
interviewing period, after the spirit of the throckmorton (q.v.) has finally
been summoned by incressant throcking (q.v.)
BURSLEDON
The bluebottle one is too tired to get up and start, but not tired
enough to sleep thorugh.
BURTON COGGLES
A bunch of keys found in a drawer whose purpose has long been
forgotten, and which can therefore now be used only for dropping down
people's backs as a cure for nose-bleeds.
BURWASH
The pleasureable cool sloosh of puddle water over the toes of your
gumboots.
CAARNDUNCAN (n.)
The high-pitched and insistent cry of the young female human urging one
of its peer group to do something dangerous on a cliff-edge or piece of
toxic waste ground.
CAIRNPAT (n.)
A large piece of dried dung found in mountainous terrain above the
cowline which leads the experienced tracker to believe that hikers have
recently passed.
CAMER (n.)
A mis-tossed caber.
CANNOCK CHASE (n.)
In any box of After Eight Mints, there is always a large number of
empty envelopes and no more that four or five actual mints. The cannock
chase is the process by which, no matter which part of the box often, you
will always extract most of the empty sachets before pinning down an actual
minot, or 'cannock'.
The cannock chase also occurs with people who put their dead matches
back in the matchbox, and then embarrass themselves at parties trying to
light cigarettes with tree quarters of an inch of charcoal.
The term is also used to describe futile attempts to pursue
unscrupulous advertising agencies who nick your ideas to sell chocolates
with.
CHENIES (pl.n.)
The last few sprigs or tassles of last Christmas's decoration you
notice on the ceiling while lying on the sofa on an August afternoon.
CHICAGO (n.)
The foul-smelling wind which precedes an underground railway train.
CHIPPING ONGAR (n.)
The discust and embarrassment (or 'ongar') felt by an observer in the
presence of a person festooned with kirbies (q.v.) when they don't know them
well enough to tell them to wipe them off, invariably this 'ongar' is
accompanied by an involuntary staccato twitching of the leg (or 'chipping')
CLABBY (adj.)
A 'clabby' conversation is one stuck up by a commissionare or cleaning
lady in order to avoid any futher actual work. The opening gambit is usually
designed to provoke the maximum confusion, and therefore the longest
possible clabby conversation. It is vitaly important to learn the correct,
or 'clixby' (q.v.), responses to a clabby gambit, and not to get trapped by
a 'ditherington' (q.v.). For instance, if confronted with a clabby gambit
such as 'Oh, mr Smith, I didn't know you'd had your leg off', the
ditherington response is 'I haven't....' whereas the clixby is 'good.'
CLACKAVOID (n.)
Technical BBC term for a page of dialogue from Blake's Seven.
CLACKMANNAN (n.)
The sound made by knocking over an elephant's-foot umbrella stand full
of walking sticks.
Hence name for a particular kind of disco drum riff.
CLATHY (adj.)
Nervously indecisive about how safely to dispost of a dud lightbulb.
CLENCHWARTON (n. archaic)
One who assists an exorcist by squeezing whichever part of the
possessed the exorcist deems useful.
CLIXBY (adj.)
Politely rude. Bliskly vague. Firmly uninformative.
CLONMULT (n.)
A yellow ooze usually found near secretionns of buldoo (q.v.) and
sadberge (q.v.)
CLOVIS (q.v.)
One who actually looks forward to putting up the Christmas decorations
in the office.
CLUN (n.)
A leg which has gone to sleep and has to be hauled around after you.
CLUNES (pl.n.)
People who just won't go.
CONDOVER (n.)
One who is employed to stand about all day browsing through the
magazine racks in the newsagent.
CONG (n.)
Stange-shaped metal utensil found at the back of the saucepan cupboard.
Many authorities believe that congs provide conclusive proof of the
existence of a now extinct form of yellow vegetable which the Victorians
used to boil mercilessly.
CORFE (n.)
An object which is almost totally indistinguishable from a newspaper,
the one crucial difference being tat it belongs to somebody else and is
unaccountably much more interesting that your own - which may otherwice
appear to be in all respects identical.
Though it is a rule of life that a train or other public place may
contain any number of corfes but only one newspaper, it is quite possible to
transform your own perfectly ordinary newspaper into a corfe by the simple
expedient of letting somebody else read it.
CORFU (n.)
The dullest person you met during the course of your holiday. Also the
only one who failed to understand that the exchanging of addresses at the
end of a holiday is merely a social ritual and is absolutly not an
invitation to phone you up and turn up unannounced on your doorstep three
months later.
CORRIEARKLET (n.)
The moment at which two people approaching from opposite ends of a long
passageway, recognice each other and immediately pretend they haven't. This
is to avoid the ghastly embarrassment of having to continue recognising each
other the whole length of the corridor.
CORRIECRAVIE (n.)
To avert the horrors of corrievorrie (q.v.) corriecravie is usually
employed. This is the cowardly but highly skilled process by which both
protagonists continue to approach while keeping up the pretence that they
haven't noticed each other - by staring furiously at their feet, grimacing
into a notebook, or studying the walls closely as if in a mood of deep
irritation.
CORRIEDOO (n.)
The crucial moment of false recognition in a long passageway encouter.
Though both people are perfectly well aware that the other is approaching,
they must eventually pretend sudden recognition. They now look up with a
glassy smile, as if having spotted each other for the firt time, (and are
particulary delighted to have done so) shouting out 'Haaaaaallllloooo!' as
if to say 'Good grief!! You!! Here!! Of all people! Will I never. Coo. Stap
me vitals, etc.'
CORRIEMOILLIE (n.)
The dreadful sinking sensation in a long passageway encounter when both
protagonists immediately realise they have plumped for the corriedoo (q.v.)
mutch too early as they are still a good thirty yards apart. They were
embarrased by the pretence of corriecravie (q.v.) and decided to make use of
the corriedoo because they felt silly. This was a mistake as corrievorrie
(q.v.) will make them seem far sillier.
CORRIEVORRIE (n.)
Corridor etiquette demans that one a corriedoo (q.v.) has been
declared, corrievorrie must be employed. Both protagonists must now
embellish their approach with an embarrassing combination of waving,
grinning, making idiot faces, doing pirate impressions, and waggling the
head from side to side while holding the other person's eyes as the smile
drips off their face, until with great relief, they pass each other.
CORRIEMUCHLOCH (n.)
Word describing the kind of person who can make a complete mess of a
simple job like walking down a corridor.
CORSTORPHINE (n.)
A very short peremptory service held in monasteries prior to teatime to
offer thanks for the benediction of digestive biscuits.
COTTERSTOCK (n.)
A piece of wood used to stir paint and thereafter stored uselessly in a
shed in perpetuity.
CRAIL (n. mineral)
Crail is a common kind of rock or gravel found widely across the
British Isles.
Each individual stone (due to an as yet undiscovered gravtitaional
property) is charged with 'negative buoyancy'.
This means that no matter how much crail you remove from the garden,
more of it will rise to the surface.
Crail is much employed by the Royal Navy for making the paperweights
and ashtrays used inside submarines.
CRANLEIGH (n.)
A mood of irrational irritation with everyone and everything.
CROMARTY (n.)
The brittle sludge which clings to the top of ketchup bottles and
plastic tomatoes in nasty cafes.
CURRY MALLET (n.)
A large wooden or rubber cub which poachers use to despatch cats or
other game which they can only sell to Indian resturants. For particulary
small cats the price obtainable is not worth the cost of expending
ammunition.
DALRYMPLE (n.)
Dalarymples are the things you pay extra for on pieces of hand-made
crarftwork - the rough edges, the paint smudges and the holes in the
glazing.
DAMNAGLAUR (n.)
A certain facial expression which actors are required to demonstrate
their mastery of before they are allowed to play Macbeth.
DARENTH (n.)
Measure = 0.0000176 mg.
Defined as that amount of margarine capable of covering one hounred
slices of bread to the depth of one molecule. This is the legal maximum
allowed in sandwich bars in Greater London.
DEAL (n.)
The gummy substance found between damp toes.
DEEPING ST NICHOLAS (n.)
What street-wise kids do at Christmas. They hide on the rooftops
waiting for Santa Claus so that if he arrives and goes down the chimney,
they can rip stuff off from his sleigh.
DES MOINES (pl.n.)
The two little lines which come down from your nose.
DETCHANT (n.)
That part of a hymn (usually a few notes at the end of a verse) where
the tune goes so high or low that you suddenly have to change octaves to
accommodate it.
DETCHANT (n.)
(Of the hands or feet.) Preunelike after an overlong bath.
DIDCOT (n.)
The tiny oddly-shaped bit of card which a ticket inspector cuts out of
a ticket with his clipper for no apparent reason. It is a little-known fact
that the confetti at Princess Margaret's wedding was made up of thousands of
didcots collected by inspectors on the Royal Train.
DIDLING (participal vb.)
The process of tring to work out who did it when reading a whodunnit,
and trying to keep your options open so that when you find out you can allow
yourself to think that you knew perfectly well who it was all along.
DILLYTOP (n.)
The kind of bath plug which for some unaccountable reason is actually
designed to sit on top of the hole rather than fit into it.
DIBBLE (vb.)
To try to remove a sticky something from one hand with the other, thus
causeing it to get stuck to the other hand and eventually to anything else
you try to remove it with.
DITHERINGTON (n)
Sudden access to panic experienced by one who realises that he is being
drawn inexorably into a clabby (q.v.) conversion, i.e. one he has no hope of
enjoying, benefiting from or understanding.
DITTISHAM (n.)
Any music you hear on the radio to which you have to listen very
carefully to determine whether it is an advertising jingle or a bona fide
record.
DOBWALLS (pl.n.)
The now hard-boiled bits of nastiness which have to be prised off
crockery by hand after it has been through a dishwasher.
DOBWALLS (pl.n.)
The now hard-boiled bits of nastiness which have to be prised off
crockery by hand after it has been through a dishwasher.
DOCKERY (n.)
Facetious behaviour adopted by an accused man in the mistaken belief
that this will endear him to the judge.
DOGDYKE (vb.)
Of dog-owners, to adopt the absurd pretence that the animal shitting in
the gutter is nothing to do with them.
DOLEGELLAU (n.)
The clump, or cluster, of bored, quietly enraged, mildly embarrassed
men waiting for their wives to come out of a changing room in a dress shop.
DORCHESTER (n.)
A throaty cough by someone else so timed as to obscure the crucial part
of the rather amusing remark you've just made.
DORRIDGE (n.)
Technical term for one of the lame excuses written in very small print
on the side of packets of food or washing powder to explain why there's
hardly anything inside. Examples include 'Contents may have settled in
transit' and 'To keep each biscuit fresh they have been individually wrapped
in silver paper and cellophane and separated with courrugated lining, a
carboard flap, and heavy industrial tyres'.
DRAFFAN (n.)
An infuriating person who always manages to look much more dashing that
anyone else by turning up unshaven and hungover at a formal party.
DREBLEY (n.)
Name for a shop which is supposed to be witty but is in fact wearisome,
e.g. 'The Frock Exchange', 'Hair Apparent', etc.
DROITWICH (n.)
A street dance. The two partners approach from opposite directions and
try politely to get out of each other's way. They step to the left, step to
the right, apologise, step to the left again, apologise again, bump into
each other and repeat as often as unnecessary.
DUBUQUE (n.)
A look given by a superior person to someone who has arrived wearing
the wrong sort of shoes.
DUDOO (n.)
The most deformed potato in any given collection of potatoes.
DUGGLEBY (n.)
The person in front of you in the supermarket queue who has just
unloaded a bulging trolley on to the conveyor belt and is now in the process
of trying to work out which pocket they left their cheque book in, and
indeed which pair of trousers.
DULEEK (n.)
Sudden realisation, as you lie in bed waiting for the alarm to go off,
that it should have gone off an hour ago.
DULUTH (adj.)
The smell of a taxi out of which people have just got.
DUNBAR (n.)
A highly specialised fiscal term used solely by trunstile operatives at
Regnet's Part zoo. It refers to the variable amount of increase in the
variable gate takings on a Sunday afternoon, caused by persons going to the
zoo because they are in love and believe that the feeling of romace will be
somehow enhanced by the smell of panther sweat and rank incontinence in the
reptile house.
DUNBOYNE (n.)
The moment of realisation that the train you have just patiently
watched pulling out of the station was the one you were meant to be on.
DUNCRAGGON (n.)
The name of Charles Bronson's retirement cottage.
DUNGENESS (n.)
The uneasy feeling that the plastic handles of the overloaded
supermarket carrier bag you are carrying are getting steadily longer.
DUNTISH (adj.)
Mentally incapacitated by severe hangover.
EAST WITTERING (n.)
The same as west wittering (q.v.) only it's you they've trying to get
away from.
EDGBASTON (n.)
The spare seat-cushion carried by a London bus, which is placed against
the rear bumper when the driver wishes to indicate that the bus has broken
down. No one knows how this charming old custon orginated or how long it
will continue.
ELY (n.)
The first, tiniest inkling you get that something, somewhere, has gone
teribly wrong.
EMSWORTH (n.)
Measure of time and noiselessness defined as the moment between the
doors of a lift closing and it beginning to move.
EPPING (participial vb.)
The futile movements of forefingers and eyebrows used when failing to
attract the attention of waiters and barmen.
EPSOM (n.)
An entry in a diary (such as a date or a set of initials) or a name and
address in your address book, which you haven't the faintest idea what it's
doing there.
EPWORTH (n.)
The preciese value of the usefulness of epping (q.v.) it is a
little-known fact than an earlier draft of the final line of the film Gone
with the Wind had Clark Gable saying 'Frankly my dear, i don't give an
epworth', the line being eventually changed on the grounds that it might not
be understood in Cleveland.
ERIBOLL (n.)
A brown bubble of cheese containing gaseous matter which grows on welsh
rarebit. It was Sir Alexander Flemming's study of eribolls which led,
indirectly, to his discovery of the fact that he didn't like welsh rarebit
very much.
ESHER (n.)
One of those push tapes installed in public washrooms enabling the user
to wash their trousers without actually getting into the basin. The most
powerful esher of recent years was 'damped down' by Red Adair after an
incredible sixty-eight days' fight in Manchester's Piccadilly Station.
EVERSCREECH (n.)
The look given by a group of polite, angry people to a rude, calm
queuebarger.
EWELME (n.)
The smile bestowed on you by an air hostess.
EXETER (n.)
All light household and electrical goods contain a number of vital
components plus at least one exeter.
If you've just mended a fuse, changed a bulb or fixed a blender, the
exeter is the small, flat or round plastic or bakelite piece left over which
means you have to undo everything and start all over again.
FAIRYMOUNT (vb.n.)
Polite word for buggery.
FARDUCKMANTON (n. archaic)
An ancient edict, mysteriously omitted from the Domesday Book,
requiring that the feeding of fowl on village ponds should be carried out
equitably.
FARNHAM (n.)
The feeling you get about four o'clock in the afternoon when you
haven't got enough done.
FARRANCASSIDY (n.)
A long and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to undo someone's bra.
FEAKLE (vb.)
To make facial expressions similar to those that old gentlemen make to
young girls in the playground.
FINUGE (vb.)
In any divisjon of foodstuffs equally between several people, to give
yourself the extra slice left over.
FIUNARY (n.)
The safe place you put something and then forget where it was.
FLIMBY (n.)
One of those irritating handle-less slippery translucent plastic bags
you get in supermarkets which, no matter how you hold them, always contrive
to let something fall out.
FLODIGARRY (n. Scots)
An ankle-length gaberdine or oilskin tarpaulin worn by deep-sea herring
fishermen in Arbroath and publicans in Glasgow.
FOINDLE (vb.)
To queue-jump very discretly by working one's way up the line without
being spotted doing so.
FORSINAIN (n. archaic)
The right of the lord of the manor to molest dwarves on their
birthdays.
FOVANT (n.)
A taxi driver's gesture, a raised hand pointed out of the window which
purports to mean 'thank you' and actually means 'fuck off out of the way'.
FRADDAM (n.)
The small awkward-shaped piece of cheese which remains after grating a
large regular-shaped piece of cheese and enables you to cut your fingers.
FRAMLINGHAM (n.)
A kind of burglar alarm usage. It is cunningly designed so that it can
ring at full volume in the street without apparently disturbing anyone.
Other types of framlingams are burglar alarms fitted to business
premises in residential areas, which go off as a matter of regular routine
at 5.31 p.m. on a Friday evening and do not get turned off til 9.20 a.m. on
Monday morning.
FRANT (n.)
Measure. The legal minimum distance between two trains on the District
and Circle line of the London Underground. A frant, which must be not less
than 122 chains (or 8 leagues) long, is not connected in any way with the
adjective 'frantic' which comes to us by a completely different route (as
indeed do the trains).
FRATING GREEN (adj.)
The shade of green which is supposed to make you feel comfortable in
hospitals, industrious in schools and uneasy in police stations.
FRIMLEY (n.)
Exaggerated carefree saunter adopted by Norman Wisdom as an immediate
prelude to dropping down an open manhole.
FRING (n.)
The noise made by light bulb which has just shone its last.
FROLESWORTH (n.)
Measure. The minimum time it is necessary to spend frowning in deep
concentration at each picture in an art gallery in order that everyone else
doesn't think you've a complete moron.
FROSSES (pl.n.)
The lecherous looks exchanged between sixteen-year-olds at a party
given by someone's parents.
FULKING (participial vb.)
Pretendig not to be in when the carol-singers come round.
GALASHIELS (pl.n.)
A form of particulary long sparse sideburns which are part of the
mandatory uniform of British Rail guards.
GALLIPOLI (adj.)
Of the behaviour of a bottom lip trying to spit mouthwash after an
injection at the dentist. Hence, loose, floppy, useless.
'She went suddenly Gallipoli in his arms' - Noel Coward.
GANGES (n. rare : colonial Indian)
Leg-rash contracted from playing too much polo. (It is a little-known
fact that Prince Charles is troubled by ganges down the inside of his arms.)
GASTARD (n.)
Useful specially new-coined word for an illegitimate child (in order to
distinguish it from soneone who merely carves you up on the motorway, etc.)
GILDERSOME (adj.)
Descriptive of a joke someone tells you which starts well, but which
becomes so embellished in the telling that you start to weary of it after
scarely half an hour.
GIPPING (participial vb.)
The fish-like opening and closing of the jaws seen amongst people who
have recently been to the dentist and are puzzled as to whether their teeth
have been put back the right way up.
GLASGOW (n.)
The feeling of infinite sadness engendered when walking through a place
filled with happy people fifteen years younger than yourself.
GLASSEL (n.)
A seaside pebble which was shiny and interesting when wet, and which is
now a lump of rock, which children nevertheless insist on filing their
suitcases with after the holiday.
GLAZELEY (adj.)
The state of a barrister's flat greasy hair after wearing a wig all
day.
GLEMENUILT (n.)
The kind of guilt which you'd completely forgotten about which comes
roaring back on discovering an old letter in a cupboard.
GLENTAGGART (n.)
A particular kind of tartan hold-all, made exclusive under licence for
British Airways.
When waiting to collect your luggage from an airport conveyour belt,
you will notice that on the next consingle, solitary bag going round and
round uncollected. This is a glentaggart, which has been placed there by the
baggage-handling staff to take your mind off the fact that your own luggage
will shortly be landing in Murmansk.
GLENTIES (pl.n.)
Series of small steps by which someone who has made a serious tactical
error in a conversion or argument moves from complete disagreement to
wholehearted agreement.
GLENWHILLY (n. Scots)
A small tartan pouch worn beneath the kilt during the thistle-harvest.
GLINSK (n.)
A hat which politicans but to go to Russia in.
GLORORUM (n.)
One who takes pleasure in informing others about their bowel movements.
GLOSSOP (n.)
A rouge blob of food.
Glossops, which are generally streaming hot and highly adhesive
invariably fall off your spoon and on to the surface of your host's highly
polished antique-rosewood dining table. If this has not, or may not have,
been noticed by the company present, swanage (q.v.) may be employed.
GLUTT LODGE (n.)
The place where food can be stored after having a tooth extracted. Some
Arabs can go without sustenance for up to six weeks on a full glutt lodge,
hence the expression 'the shit of the dessert'.
GLOADBY MARWOOD (n.)
Someone who stops Jon Cleese on the street and demands that he does a
funny walk.
GODALMING (n.)
Wonderful rush of relief on discovering that the ely (q.v.) and the
wembley (q.v.) were in fact false alarms.
GOLANT (adj.)
Blank, sly and faintly embarrasssed. Pertaining to the expression seen
on the face of someone who has clearly forgotten your name.
GOOLE (n.)
The puddle on the bar into which the barman puts your change.
GOOSECRUIVES (pl. n. archaic)
A parit of wooden trousers worn by poultry-keepers in the Middle Ages.
GOOSNARGH (n.)
Something left over from preparing or eating a meal, which you store in
the fridge despite the fact that you know full well you will never ever use
it.
GREAT TOSSON (n.)
A fat book containing four words and six cartoons which cost ё6.95.
GREAT WAKERING (participal vb.)
Panic which sets in when you badly need to go to the lavatory and
cannot make up your mind about what book or magazine to take with you.
GREELEY (n.)
Someone who continually annoys you by continually apologising for
annoying you.
GRETNA GREEN (adj.)
A shade of green which cartoon characters dangle over the edge of a
cliff.
GRIMMET (n.)
A small bush from which cartoon characters dangle over the edge of a
cliff.
GRIMSBY (n.)
A lump of something gristly and foultasting concealed in a mouthful of
stew or pie.
Grimsbies are sometimes merely the result of careless cookery, but more
often they are placed there deliberately by Freemasons. Grimbies can be
purchased in bulk from any respectable Masonic butcher on giving him the
secret Masonic handbag. One is then placed correct masonic method of dealing
with it. If the guest is not a Mason, the host may find it entertaining to
watch how he handles the obnoxious object. It may be
(a) manfully swallowed, invariably bringing tears to the eyes.
(b) chewed with resolution for up to twenty minutes before eventually
resorting to method (a)
(c) choked on fatally.
The Masonic handshake is easily recognised by another Mason
incidentally, for by it a used grimsby is passed from hand to hand.
The secret Masonic method for dealing with a grimsby is as follows :
remove it carefully with the silver tongs provided, using the left hand.
Cross the room to your host, hopping on one leg, and ram the grimsby firmly
up his nose, shouting, 'Take that, you smug Masonic bastard.'
GRINSTEAD (n.)
The state of a lady's clothing after she has been to powder her nose
and has hitched up her tights over her skirt at the back, thus exposing her
bottom, and has walked out without noticing it.
GUERNSEY (adj.)
Queasy but umbowed. The kind of feeling one gets when discovering a
plastic compartment in a fridge in which thing are growing.
GWEEK (n.)
A coat hanger recycled as a car aerial.
HADZOR (n.)
A sharp instument placed in the washing-up bowl which makes it easier
to cut yourself.
HAGNABY (n.)
Someone who looked a lot more attractive in the disco than they do in
your bed the next morning.
HALCRO (n.)
An adhesive fibrous cloth used to hold babies' clothes together.
Thousands of tiny pieces of jam 'hook' on to thousands of tiny-pieces of
dribble, enabling the cloth to become 'sticky'.
HALIFAX (n.)
The green synthetic astroturf on which greengrocers display their
vegetables.
HAMBLEDON (n.)
The sound of a single-engined aircraft flying by, heard whilst lying in
a summer field in England, which somehow concentrates the silence and sense
of space and timelessness and leaves one with a profound feeling of
something or other.
HAPPLE (vb.)
To annoy people by finishing their sentences for them and then telling
them what they really meant to say.
HARBLEDOWN (vb.)
To manoeuvre a double mattress down a winding staircase.
HARBOTTLE (n.)
A particular kind of fly which lives inside double glazing.
HARPENDEN (n.)
The coda to a phone conversion, consisting of about eight exchanges, by
which people try gracefully to get off the line.
HASELBURY PLUCKNETT (n.)
A mechanical device for cleaning combs invented during the industrial
revoulution at the same time as Arkwright's Spinning Jenny, but which didn't
catch on in the same way.
HASSOP (n.)
The pocket down the back of an armchair used for storing two-shilling
bits and pieces of Lego.
HASTINGS (pl.n.)
Things sain on the spur of the moment to explain to someone who comes
into a room unexpectedly precisely what it is you are doing.
HATHERSAGE (n.)
The tiny snippets of beard which coat the inside of a washbasin after
shaving in it.
HAUGHAM (n.)
One who loudly informs other diners in a resturant what kind of man he
is by calling for the chef by his christian name from the lobby.
HAXBY (n.)
Any garden implement found in a potating shed whose exact purpose is
unclear.
HEATON PUNCHARDON (n.)
A violent argument which breaks out in the car on the way home from a
party between a couple who have had to be polite to each other in company
all evening.
HENSTRIDGE (n.)
The dried yellow substance found between the prongs of forks in
resturants.
HERSTMONCEUX (n.)
The correct name for the gold medallion worn by someone who is in the
habit of wearing their shirt open to the waist.
HEVER (n.)
The panic caused by half-hearing Tannoy in an airport.
HIBBING (n.)
The marks left on the outside breast pocket of a storekeeper's overall
where he has put away his pen and missed.
HICKLING (participial vb.)
The practice of infuriating teatregoers by not only arriving late to a
centre-row seat, but also loudly apologising to and patting each member of
the audience in turn.
HIDCOTE BARTRAM (n.)
To be caught in a hidcote bartram is to say a series of protracted and
final goodbytes to a group of people, leave the house and then realise
you've left your hat behind.
HIGH LIMERIGG (n.)
The topmost tread of a staircase which disappers when you've climbing
the stairs in the darkness.
HIGH OFFLEY (n.)
Gossnargh (q.v.) three weeks later.
HOBBS CROSS (n.)
The awkward leaping manoeuvre a girl has to go throught in bed in order
to make him sleep on the wet patch.
HODDLESDEN (n.)
An 'injured' footballer's limb back into the game which draws applause
but doesn't fool anybody.
HODNET (n.)
The woodn safety platform supported by scaffolding round a building
under construction from which the builders (at almost no personal risk) can
drop pieces of cement on passers-by.
HOFF (vb.)
To deny indignantly something which is palpably true.
HOGGESTON (n.)
The action of overshaking a pair of dice in a cup in the mistaken
belief that this will affect the eventual outcome in your favour and not
irritate everyone else.
HORTON-CUM-STUDLEY (n.)
The combination of little helpful grunts, nodding movements of the
head, considerate smiles, upward frowns and serious pauses that a group of
people join in making in trying to elicit the next pronouncement of somebody
with a dreadful stutter.
HOVE (adj.)
Descriptive of the expression seen onthe face of one person in the
presence of another who clearly isn't going to stop talking for a very long
time.
HOYLAKE (n.)
The pool of edible gravy which surrounds an inedible and discusting
lump of meat - eaten to give the impression that the person is 'just not
very hungry, but mmm this is delicious'.
Cf. Peaslake - a similar experience had by vegetarians.
HUBY (n.)
A half-erection large enough to be a publicly embarrassing bulge in the
trousers, not large enough to be of any use to anybody.
HUCKNALL (vb.)
To crouch upwards: as in the movement of a seated person's feet and
legs made in order to allow a cleaner's hoover to pass beneath them.
HULL (adj.)
Descriptive of the smell of a weekend cottage.
HUMBER (vb.)
To move like the cheeks of a very fat person as their car goes over a