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pursue a life of religious fulfillment.
Striker : The radio's all yours now. And keep an eye on that
number 3 engine gauge over there, its running a
little hot ( sign flashes "a little hot" )
Kramer : Striker, before we start, I'd like to say something.
I know that right now things must look pretty rough
up there, but if you do what I tell you, when I tell
you to do it, there's no reason why you shouldn't
have complete confidence in your chances to come out
of this thing alive and in one piece. Striker, what
kind of weather are you in up there?
Elaine : Rain!
Striker: And a little ice.
Elaine : And a little ice.
Kramer : How's it handling?
Striker: Sluggish, like a wet sponge.
Elaine : Sluggish, like a wet sponge.
Kramer : Alright, Striker, your doing just fine.
Striker: Its a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate
his guts.
Elaine : Its a damn good thing you don't know how much he
hates your guts.
Jivemn2: Mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Attndnt: Can I get you something?
Jivemn2: S'mo fo butter layin' to the bone. Jackin' me up.
Tightly.
Attndnt: I'm sorry I don't understand.
Jivemn1: Cutty say he cant hang.
Woman4 : Oh stewardess, I speak jive.
Attndnt: Ohhhh, good.
Woman4 : He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know
if you can help him.
Attndnt: Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as
soon as I can with some medicine.
Woman : Jus' hang loose blooood. She goonna catch up on the`
rebound a de medcide.
Jivemn2: What it is big mamma, my mamma didn't raise no dummy, I
dug her rap.
Woman4 : Cut me som' slac' jak! Chump don wan no help, chump
don git no help. Jive ass dude don got no brains
anyhow.
MCrosky: Get me Captain Oever's wife on the phone, we'd better
let her know what's going on.
Towergy: Chief, this weather bulletin just came off the wire.
MCrosky: Johnny, what can you make outta this?
Johnny : This? Why I could make a hat, or a brooch, a
pterodactyl. . .
( Phone rings at Captain Oever's wife's house, she answers. )
MSOever: Hello?
Towergy: Mrs. Oever?
MSOever: Yes, this is Mrs. Oever.
Towergy: This is Ed Masias calling from the airport. There's
some trouble on your husband's flight. We don't know
how serious it is yet, but Steve McCrosky say you may
want to get down here right away.
MSOever: Yes, I'll be right down. . . ( hangs up the phone )
I've gotta go to the airport, you can let yourself
out the back door. There's juice in the refridger-
ator. ( We see she is sleeping with a horse)
Horse : Nayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... plllllllllllllllllllll.
Winey.
Elaine : Dr Rumack says the sick people are getting worse and
we`re running out of time.
Striker: ( In echoey voice to himself ) I've got to concentrate
oncentrate, oncentrate. I've got to concentrate,
concentrate, concentrate. Hello, hello, hello.
Echo, echo, echo. Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbau
Manny Motta, motta, motta.
Man : How're you doing honey?
Woman5 : I'm so hot, I'm burning up.
Man : I'll turn on some air. ( The whole cabin starts to blow
with wind. " Close the window " )
Striker: Chicago, the passengers are beginning to panic, when do
we start down?
Kramer : Not just yet, but you're in our range any second now.
I don't understand it should have been in range 10
minutes ago. Genderson, check the radar range,
anything yet?
Gendrsn: ( Looks in an oven ) Its about 2 more minutes chief.
MCrosky: 2 more minutes? They could be miles off course.
Kramer : That's impossible there on instruments ( a brass
ensemble begins to play )
MCrosky: This is going to be a real sweat. Genderson, let me
know when you get anything. Got a cigarette Nelson?
I can't take much more of this. Looks like I picked
the wrong week to quit amphetamines. Johnny, how
about some more coffee?
Johnny: NO THANKS!
Towergy: Chief, these reporters won't leave without a statement.
Reportr: How much longer can those passengers hold out?
MCrosky: A, half an hour or less.
Reportr: Who's flying the plane?
MCrosky: One of the passengers. But, he's an experienced Air
Force pilot who flew during the war, so there's no
cause for alarm. . . Here, take over.
Reportr: What kind of plane is it?
Johnny : Oh its a big pretty white plane with red stripes,
curtains in the window and wheels. It looks like
a big tylenol.
Reportr: Okay boys, lets get some pictures. ( Take photos off
of wall . . .)
( Various reports from around the world are shown )
TVGUY : This bulletin just handed to me . . . stricken airliner
approaches Chicago.
Countpt: They bought their tickets, they knew what they were
getting into. I say let em crash.
Man2 : Would you like a little whiskey ma'am?
Woman6 : ( In a berating voice ) CERTAINLY NOT! ( She the does
cocaine )
Striker: How are the passengers doing?
Rumack : I won't deceive you Mr. Striker . . . we're running out
of time.
Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.
Rumack : I'm doing everything I can and stop calling me Shirley.
Nun : R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me . . . Sock
it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me . . . A little
respect ( passenger vomits as she sings ) Just a little
bit . . .
Attndnt: Booo-hooo ( she crys )
Rumack : Randy, are you alright?
Attndnt: Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared. I've never been so scared.
And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married.
Rumack : We're going to make it, you've got to believe that.
Woman3 : Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing?
Rumack : Pretty soon, how are you bearing up?
Woman3 : Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But, at
least I have a husband. ( Randy sobs harder )
Voice : Stay in formation, target's just ahead. Target should
be clear if you go in low enough. You'll have to decide
You'll have to decide...
Striker: oh rats! we lost number 4.
Elaine : What happened Ted, what went wrong?
Striker: The oil pressure, I forgot to check the oil pressure.
When Kramer hears about this, the shit's gonna hit
the fan ( We see shit hitting a fan )
Kramer : Watch that oil temperature, what the hell's he doing up
there? Striker, that plane can't land itself, it
takes a pilot that can handle pressure.
MCrosky: Ease off Rex, he hasn't flown for years, its not his
fault. It could happen to any pilot.
Johnny : It happened to Barbara Stanwick.
MCrosky: Don't push him too hard, give him a break. You gotta
remember who you're dealing with.
Johnny : Nick, Leaf, Jerrod, there's a fire in the barn.
Striker: He's right, I can't take the pressure. I was crazy to
think I could land this plane.
Elaine : Ted, you're the only hope.
Striker: I don't care. ( Plane starts to nosedive again ) I don't
have what it takes. They'd be better off with someone
who'd never flown before.
MCrosky: Bad news, the fog is getting thicker.
Johnny : And Leon's getting laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrger.
Striker: I know what you're going to say, so save your breath.
Rumack : Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the
best you could. You really have, the best you could.
You can't expect to win em all. But, I want to tell
you something I've kept to myself through these years.
I was in the war myself, medical corps. I was on late
duty one night when they brought in a badly wounded
pilot from one of the raids. He could barely talk.
He looked at me and said " The odds were against
us up there, but we went in anyway, I'm glad Captain
made the right decision. The pilot's name was George
Zip.
Striker: George Zip said that?
Rumack : The last thing he said to me, doc, he said, "Sometime
when the crew is up against it, the breaks are beating
the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all
they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't
know where I'll be then doc, he said, but I won't smell
too good, that's for sure.
Striker: Excuse me doc, I got a plane to land.
Kramer : Alright Striker, you'd better stay up there for a bit,
as soon as the fog lifts, we'll bring you in.
Striker: I'll take it Elaine. Listen to me Kramer, Dr. Rumack
says the sick people are in critical condition. And
every minute counts. We've got to land now.
Kramer : Don't be a fool Striker, you know what a landing like
this means, you more than anybody. I'm ordering you
to stay up there.
Striker: NO DICE CHICAGO. I'm giving the orders and we're
coming in. I guess the foot's on the other hand now,
isn't it Kramer?
Kramer : He'll never make it in this soup, not one chance in a
million.
MCrosky: I know, I know, but its his ship now, his command, he's
in charge, he's the boss, head man, top dog, big cheese,
Towergy: Captain, look at this!
MCrosky: Passengers certain to die!
Kramer : Airline negligent.
Johnny : There's a sale at Penny's!
MCrosky: Alright, I'll need 3 men up in the tower. You Newbower,
you Maceias. . .
Johnny : Me John! Big tree.
Kramer : Standby, Striker. We're going to the tower, good luck.
Johnny : The tower, the tower . . . Repunzle, Repunzle . . .
Woman4 : Stewardess, how soon so we land?
Attndnt: It won't be long now, try not to worry.
Towergy: We're all ready sir, this is Captain McCrosky, Captain
Roberts, Captain Kramer, Captain Kolosomo, Captain
Henshaw this is Captain Gatz, Captain Kramer, Captain
Gatz, Captain Henshaw, Captain Roberts.
MCrosky: Alright Kolosomo, you work the relay, Roberts, check all
air traffic within five miles, get that finger out of
your ear, you don't know where that finger's been ( guy
smells his finger ) Got a cigarette Nels? Your husband
and the others are alive, but unconscious.
Johnny : Just like Gerald Ford.
MCrosky: Now, there's a chance we can save them, if Striker can
get that plane down in time.
MSOever: That isn't much of a chance, is it?
MCrosky: I don't know, I don't know, but we're doing everything
we can, now excuse me huh?
Johnny : Where did you get that dress? Its aweful . . . and
those shoes, and that coat, geeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz.
( Tower Guys Playing Atari basketball on radar screen )
Towergy: 8 miles. Looks like their heading 0-4-4.
Elaine : We are now at 2000 feet beginning our decent.
Kramer : Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto
that field. ( A dump truck dumps table lamps onto the
runway )
Towergy: Tower to all emergency vehicles, runway is 9er.
Airport vehicles take stations 1 and 2. Civilian
equipment number 3. Air Force positions number 4
and 5. All ambulances go to number 3. Air
Israel, please clear the runway ( Plane is shown
wearing a beard, hat, tallis, and yarmulke. )
Attendnt:In a moment, we'll ask you to assume crash positions.
your life jackets are located under your seat. Place
the jacket over your head. And when I give the word,
pull the cord on the right side flap. Your seat
cushions are also equipped with a flotation device.
Radio : WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever ( plane
knocks down station's transmitter )
Kramer : Watch your altitude Striker, you're too erratic. You
can't come straight in. You've got enough fuel left
for two hours of flying.
Striker: I'll take it Elaine. Listen to me Kramer! We have
people up here who will die in less than an hour
let alone two. I may bend your precious airplane,
but I'll get it down. I'm putting the landing gear
down now.
Attndnt: Mr. Striker, the passengers are ready.
Striker: Thank you Randy. You'd better leave sweetheart. You
might get hurt up here.
Elaine : Ted,
Striker: Yes?
Elaine : I wanted you to know, now . . . I'm very proud.
Striker: Tell 'em the gear is down and we're ready to land.
Elaine : The gear is down and we're ready to land.
Kramer : Alright, he's on final now, put out all runway lights
except 9er.
Towergy: Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the search lights
now.
MCrosky: No, thats just what they'll be expecting us to do.
Rumack : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all
counting on you.
Kramer : Alright, now just listen carefully . . . you should
be able to see the runway at 300 feet. Aim the
touchdown a third of the way along. There's a slight
crosswind from the right so be ready for it. Land
too fast, use your emergency breaks. The red handle's
right in front of you. If that doesn't stop you . . .
( long pause ) . . . if that doesn't stop you cut the
four ignition switches over the co-pilot's head.
Do you see us now? You should be able to see the field
now. ( Dog barks )
MCrosky: It sure is quiet out there. . .
Kramer : Yeah, too quiet.
MCrosky: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing
glue. ( inhales some glue and falls over)
Striker: There it is.
Kramer : There he is. Striker, you're coming in too fast . . .
Striker: I know, I know.
Elaine : He knows, he knows.
Airdude: Getting below 700 now, still going down. 675, 650, 625,
he's holding. . .no, no he's down, he's down.
Kramer : Sound your alarm bell, now.
Attndnt: Alright now everybody, get in crash positions ( The
passengers arrange themselves as if they just crash-
ed. )
Kramer : Put down 30 degrees of flap. Striker now listen to me
Remember your breaks and switches, get ready to fly it
out . . .
Airdude: He's all over the place, 900 feet, up to 1300 feet . . .
what an asshole.
Kramer : More mast rudder, put down more flap . . .
Johnny : ( Unplugs runway lights ) Just kidding.
Kramer : Striker, lift your nose, straighten your wings. You're
coming in too fast, watch your speed.
MCrosky: He's coming right at us . . . ( jumps through a window )
Kramer : You're coming in too hot. Ease up on the throttle.
Watch for that crosswind. Aim for the numbers, you'll
have to dip your left wing. You're drifting, keep your
eyes on the far end of the runway. You're too low
damnit! Watch your stall speed. Ease her down, down.
The break . . . pull the red handle.
Rumack : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all
counting on you.
Voice2 : Flight 2-0-9 now arriving gate 8- gate 9, gate 10
Kramer : Push a button.
Voice2 : Gate 13, gate 14, gate 15 . . .
Johnny : Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, toto . . . its a twister,
its a twister
Voice : Gate 23, 24, 25 . . .
( Plane lands safely )
Rumack : I just want to tell you both-- good luck, we're all
counting on you.
Kramer : Striker, Striker, you alright?
Striker: Yeah, we're okay.
Kramer : Ted that was probably the worst landing in the history
of this airport, but some of us here, particularly me
would like to buy you a drink and shake your hand . .
and Ted I just want you to know that when the going
got rough . . .
Attndnt: Okay alright, have a nice day . . .have a nice day,
thank you for flying TransAmerican
Kramer : Lonliness, thats the bottom line. I was never happy
as a child . . . Christmas Ted, what does that mean
to you? It was living hell. Do you know what its
like falling in the mud and getting kicked, in the head.
With an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does,
that never happens. Sorry Ted, that's a dumb question.
Attndnt: Have a nice day.
Kramer : Municipal bonds Ted, I'm talking double A rating. . .
the best investment in America.
( Ted and Elaine go off into the sunset and Otto and his
inflatable friend Ottoette fly the plane off )
THE END!!!!!
Striker : The radio's all yours now. And keep an eye on that
number 3 engine gauge over there, its running a
little hot ( sign flashes "a little hot" )
Kramer : Striker, before we start, I'd like to say something.
I know that right now things must look pretty rough
up there, but if you do what I tell you, when I tell
you to do it, there's no reason why you shouldn't
have complete confidence in your chances to come out
of this thing alive and in one piece. Striker, what
kind of weather are you in up there?
Elaine : Rain!
Striker: And a little ice.
Elaine : And a little ice.
Kramer : How's it handling?
Striker: Sluggish, like a wet sponge.
Elaine : Sluggish, like a wet sponge.
Kramer : Alright, Striker, your doing just fine.
Striker: Its a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate
his guts.
Elaine : Its a damn good thing you don't know how much he
hates your guts.
Jivemn2: Mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Attndnt: Can I get you something?
Jivemn2: S'mo fo butter layin' to the bone. Jackin' me up.
Tightly.
Attndnt: I'm sorry I don't understand.
Jivemn1: Cutty say he cant hang.
Woman4 : Oh stewardess, I speak jive.
Attndnt: Ohhhh, good.
Woman4 : He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know
if you can help him.
Attndnt: Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as
soon as I can with some medicine.
Woman : Jus' hang loose blooood. She goonna catch up on the`
rebound a de medcide.
Jivemn2: What it is big mamma, my mamma didn't raise no dummy, I
dug her rap.
Woman4 : Cut me som' slac' jak! Chump don wan no help, chump
don git no help. Jive ass dude don got no brains
anyhow.
MCrosky: Get me Captain Oever's wife on the phone, we'd better
let her know what's going on.
Towergy: Chief, this weather bulletin just came off the wire.
MCrosky: Johnny, what can you make outta this?
Johnny : This? Why I could make a hat, or a brooch, a
pterodactyl. . .
( Phone rings at Captain Oever's wife's house, she answers. )
MSOever: Hello?
Towergy: Mrs. Oever?
MSOever: Yes, this is Mrs. Oever.
Towergy: This is Ed Masias calling from the airport. There's
some trouble on your husband's flight. We don't know
how serious it is yet, but Steve McCrosky say you may
want to get down here right away.
MSOever: Yes, I'll be right down. . . ( hangs up the phone )
I've gotta go to the airport, you can let yourself
out the back door. There's juice in the refridger-
ator. ( We see she is sleeping with a horse)
Horse : Nayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... plllllllllllllllllllll.
Winey.
Elaine : Dr Rumack says the sick people are getting worse and
we`re running out of time.
Striker: ( In echoey voice to himself ) I've got to concentrate
oncentrate, oncentrate. I've got to concentrate,
concentrate, concentrate. Hello, hello, hello.
Echo, echo, echo. Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbau
Manny Motta, motta, motta.
Man : How're you doing honey?
Woman5 : I'm so hot, I'm burning up.
Man : I'll turn on some air. ( The whole cabin starts to blow
with wind. " Close the window " )
Striker: Chicago, the passengers are beginning to panic, when do
we start down?
Kramer : Not just yet, but you're in our range any second now.
I don't understand it should have been in range 10
minutes ago. Genderson, check the radar range,
anything yet?
Gendrsn: ( Looks in an oven ) Its about 2 more minutes chief.
MCrosky: 2 more minutes? They could be miles off course.
Kramer : That's impossible there on instruments ( a brass
ensemble begins to play )
MCrosky: This is going to be a real sweat. Genderson, let me
know when you get anything. Got a cigarette Nelson?
I can't take much more of this. Looks like I picked
the wrong week to quit amphetamines. Johnny, how
about some more coffee?
Johnny: NO THANKS!
Towergy: Chief, these reporters won't leave without a statement.
Reportr: How much longer can those passengers hold out?
MCrosky: A, half an hour or less.
Reportr: Who's flying the plane?
MCrosky: One of the passengers. But, he's an experienced Air
Force pilot who flew during the war, so there's no
cause for alarm. . . Here, take over.
Reportr: What kind of plane is it?
Johnny : Oh its a big pretty white plane with red stripes,
curtains in the window and wheels. It looks like
a big tylenol.
Reportr: Okay boys, lets get some pictures. ( Take photos off
of wall . . .)
( Various reports from around the world are shown )
TVGUY : This bulletin just handed to me . . . stricken airliner
approaches Chicago.
Countpt: They bought their tickets, they knew what they were
getting into. I say let em crash.
Man2 : Would you like a little whiskey ma'am?
Woman6 : ( In a berating voice ) CERTAINLY NOT! ( She the does
cocaine )
Striker: How are the passengers doing?
Rumack : I won't deceive you Mr. Striker . . . we're running out
of time.
Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.
Rumack : I'm doing everything I can and stop calling me Shirley.
Nun : R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me . . . Sock
it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me . . . A little
respect ( passenger vomits as she sings ) Just a little
bit . . .
Attndnt: Booo-hooo ( she crys )
Rumack : Randy, are you alright?
Attndnt: Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared. I've never been so scared.
And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married.
Rumack : We're going to make it, you've got to believe that.
Woman3 : Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing?
Rumack : Pretty soon, how are you bearing up?
Woman3 : Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But, at
least I have a husband. ( Randy sobs harder )
Voice : Stay in formation, target's just ahead. Target should
be clear if you go in low enough. You'll have to decide
You'll have to decide...
Striker: oh rats! we lost number 4.
Elaine : What happened Ted, what went wrong?
Striker: The oil pressure, I forgot to check the oil pressure.
When Kramer hears about this, the shit's gonna hit
the fan ( We see shit hitting a fan )
Kramer : Watch that oil temperature, what the hell's he doing up
there? Striker, that plane can't land itself, it
takes a pilot that can handle pressure.
MCrosky: Ease off Rex, he hasn't flown for years, its not his
fault. It could happen to any pilot.
Johnny : It happened to Barbara Stanwick.
MCrosky: Don't push him too hard, give him a break. You gotta
remember who you're dealing with.
Johnny : Nick, Leaf, Jerrod, there's a fire in the barn.
Striker: He's right, I can't take the pressure. I was crazy to
think I could land this plane.
Elaine : Ted, you're the only hope.
Striker: I don't care. ( Plane starts to nosedive again ) I don't
have what it takes. They'd be better off with someone
who'd never flown before.
MCrosky: Bad news, the fog is getting thicker.
Johnny : And Leon's getting laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrger.
Striker: I know what you're going to say, so save your breath.
Rumack : Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the
best you could. You really have, the best you could.
You can't expect to win em all. But, I want to tell
you something I've kept to myself through these years.
I was in the war myself, medical corps. I was on late
duty one night when they brought in a badly wounded
pilot from one of the raids. He could barely talk.
He looked at me and said " The odds were against
us up there, but we went in anyway, I'm glad Captain
made the right decision. The pilot's name was George
Zip.
Striker: George Zip said that?
Rumack : The last thing he said to me, doc, he said, "Sometime
when the crew is up against it, the breaks are beating
the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all
they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't
know where I'll be then doc, he said, but I won't smell
too good, that's for sure.
Striker: Excuse me doc, I got a plane to land.
Kramer : Alright Striker, you'd better stay up there for a bit,
as soon as the fog lifts, we'll bring you in.
Striker: I'll take it Elaine. Listen to me Kramer, Dr. Rumack
says the sick people are in critical condition. And
every minute counts. We've got to land now.
Kramer : Don't be a fool Striker, you know what a landing like
this means, you more than anybody. I'm ordering you
to stay up there.
Striker: NO DICE CHICAGO. I'm giving the orders and we're
coming in. I guess the foot's on the other hand now,
isn't it Kramer?
Kramer : He'll never make it in this soup, not one chance in a
million.
MCrosky: I know, I know, but its his ship now, his command, he's
in charge, he's the boss, head man, top dog, big cheese,
Towergy: Captain, look at this!
MCrosky: Passengers certain to die!
Kramer : Airline negligent.
Johnny : There's a sale at Penny's!
MCrosky: Alright, I'll need 3 men up in the tower. You Newbower,
you Maceias. . .
Johnny : Me John! Big tree.
Kramer : Standby, Striker. We're going to the tower, good luck.
Johnny : The tower, the tower . . . Repunzle, Repunzle . . .
Woman4 : Stewardess, how soon so we land?
Attndnt: It won't be long now, try not to worry.
Towergy: We're all ready sir, this is Captain McCrosky, Captain
Roberts, Captain Kramer, Captain Kolosomo, Captain
Henshaw this is Captain Gatz, Captain Kramer, Captain
Gatz, Captain Henshaw, Captain Roberts.
MCrosky: Alright Kolosomo, you work the relay, Roberts, check all
air traffic within five miles, get that finger out of
your ear, you don't know where that finger's been ( guy
smells his finger ) Got a cigarette Nels? Your husband
and the others are alive, but unconscious.
Johnny : Just like Gerald Ford.
MCrosky: Now, there's a chance we can save them, if Striker can
get that plane down in time.
MSOever: That isn't much of a chance, is it?
MCrosky: I don't know, I don't know, but we're doing everything
we can, now excuse me huh?
Johnny : Where did you get that dress? Its aweful . . . and
those shoes, and that coat, geeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz.
( Tower Guys Playing Atari basketball on radar screen )
Towergy: 8 miles. Looks like their heading 0-4-4.
Elaine : We are now at 2000 feet beginning our decent.
Kramer : Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto
that field. ( A dump truck dumps table lamps onto the
runway )
Towergy: Tower to all emergency vehicles, runway is 9er.
Airport vehicles take stations 1 and 2. Civilian
equipment number 3. Air Force positions number 4
and 5. All ambulances go to number 3. Air
Israel, please clear the runway ( Plane is shown
wearing a beard, hat, tallis, and yarmulke. )
Attendnt:In a moment, we'll ask you to assume crash positions.
your life jackets are located under your seat. Place
the jacket over your head. And when I give the word,
pull the cord on the right side flap. Your seat
cushions are also equipped with a flotation device.
Radio : WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever ( plane
knocks down station's transmitter )
Kramer : Watch your altitude Striker, you're too erratic. You
can't come straight in. You've got enough fuel left
for two hours of flying.
Striker: I'll take it Elaine. Listen to me Kramer! We have
people up here who will die in less than an hour
let alone two. I may bend your precious airplane,
but I'll get it down. I'm putting the landing gear
down now.
Attndnt: Mr. Striker, the passengers are ready.
Striker: Thank you Randy. You'd better leave sweetheart. You
might get hurt up here.
Elaine : Ted,
Striker: Yes?
Elaine : I wanted you to know, now . . . I'm very proud.
Striker: Tell 'em the gear is down and we're ready to land.
Elaine : The gear is down and we're ready to land.
Kramer : Alright, he's on final now, put out all runway lights
except 9er.
Towergy: Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the search lights
now.
MCrosky: No, thats just what they'll be expecting us to do.
Rumack : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all
counting on you.
Kramer : Alright, now just listen carefully . . . you should
be able to see the runway at 300 feet. Aim the
touchdown a third of the way along. There's a slight
crosswind from the right so be ready for it. Land
too fast, use your emergency breaks. The red handle's
right in front of you. If that doesn't stop you . . .
( long pause ) . . . if that doesn't stop you cut the
four ignition switches over the co-pilot's head.
Do you see us now? You should be able to see the field
now. ( Dog barks )
MCrosky: It sure is quiet out there. . .
Kramer : Yeah, too quiet.
MCrosky: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing
glue. ( inhales some glue and falls over)
Striker: There it is.
Kramer : There he is. Striker, you're coming in too fast . . .
Striker: I know, I know.
Elaine : He knows, he knows.
Airdude: Getting below 700 now, still going down. 675, 650, 625,
he's holding. . .no, no he's down, he's down.
Kramer : Sound your alarm bell, now.
Attndnt: Alright now everybody, get in crash positions ( The
passengers arrange themselves as if they just crash-
ed. )
Kramer : Put down 30 degrees of flap. Striker now listen to me
Remember your breaks and switches, get ready to fly it
out . . .
Airdude: He's all over the place, 900 feet, up to 1300 feet . . .
what an asshole.
Kramer : More mast rudder, put down more flap . . .
Johnny : ( Unplugs runway lights ) Just kidding.
Kramer : Striker, lift your nose, straighten your wings. You're
coming in too fast, watch your speed.
MCrosky: He's coming right at us . . . ( jumps through a window )
Kramer : You're coming in too hot. Ease up on the throttle.
Watch for that crosswind. Aim for the numbers, you'll
have to dip your left wing. You're drifting, keep your
eyes on the far end of the runway. You're too low
damnit! Watch your stall speed. Ease her down, down.
The break . . . pull the red handle.
Rumack : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all
counting on you.
Voice2 : Flight 2-0-9 now arriving gate 8- gate 9, gate 10
Kramer : Push a button.
Voice2 : Gate 13, gate 14, gate 15 . . .
Johnny : Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, toto . . . its a twister,
its a twister
Voice : Gate 23, 24, 25 . . .
( Plane lands safely )
Rumack : I just want to tell you both-- good luck, we're all
counting on you.
Kramer : Striker, Striker, you alright?
Striker: Yeah, we're okay.
Kramer : Ted that was probably the worst landing in the history
of this airport, but some of us here, particularly me
would like to buy you a drink and shake your hand . .
and Ted I just want you to know that when the going
got rough . . .
Attndnt: Okay alright, have a nice day . . .have a nice day,
thank you for flying TransAmerican
Kramer : Lonliness, thats the bottom line. I was never happy
as a child . . . Christmas Ted, what does that mean
to you? It was living hell. Do you know what its
like falling in the mud and getting kicked, in the head.
With an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does,
that never happens. Sorry Ted, that's a dumb question.
Attndnt: Have a nice day.
Kramer : Municipal bonds Ted, I'm talking double A rating. . .
the best investment in America.
( Ted and Elaine go off into the sunset and Otto and his
inflatable friend Ottoette fly the plane off )
THE END!!!!!