Dahl Roald. Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator

   The loudspeaker stopped counting. There was silence. All over the world there was silence.
   Charlie's eyes were riveted on Mr Wonka. He was going to speak again. He was taking a deep breath. 'BUNGO BUNI!' he screamed. He put so much force into his voice that the effort lifted him right up on to the tips of his toes.

 
'BUNGO BUNI
DAFU DUNI
YUBEE LUNI!'
 

   Again the silence.
   The next time Mr Wonka spoke, the words came out so fast and sharp and loud they were like bullets from a machine-gun. 'ZOONK-ZOONK-ZOONK-ZOONK-ZOONK!' he barked. The noise echoed around and around the lobby of the Space Hotel. It echoed around the world.
   Mr Wonka now turned and faced the far end of the lobby where the loudspeaker voice had come from. He walked a few paces forward as a man would, perhaps, who wanted a more intimate conversation with his audience. And this time, the tone was much quieter, the words came more slowly, but there was a touch of steel in every syllable:

 
'KIRASUKU MALIBUKU,
WEEBEE WIZE UN YUBEE KUKU!
 

 
ALIPEND A KAKAMEND A,
PANTZ FORLDUN IFNO SUSPENDA!
 

 
FUIKIKA KANDERIKA,
WEEBE STRONGA YUBEE WEEKA!
 

 
POPOKOTA BORUMOKA
VERI RISKI YU PROVOKA!
 

 
КАТIKАТ1 MOONS UN STARS
FANFANISHA VENUS MARS!'
 

   Mr Wonka paused dramatically for a few seconds. Then he took an enormous deep breath and in a wild and fearsome voice, he yelled out:

 
'KITIMBIBI ZOONK!
FUMBOLEEZI ZOONK!
GUGUMIZA ZOONK!
FUMIKAKA ZOONK!
ANAPOLALA ZOONK ZOONK ZOONK!'
 

   The effect of all this on the world below was electric. In the Control Room in Houston, in the White House in Washington, in palaces and city buildings and mountain shacks from America to China to Peru, the five hundred million people who heard that wild and fearsome voice yelling out these strange and mystic words all shivered with fear before their television sets. Everybody began turning to everybody else and saying, 'Who are they? What language was that? Where do they come from?'
   In the President's study in the White House, Vice-President Tibbs, the members of the Cabinet, the Chiefs of the Army and the Navy and the Air Force, the sword-swallower from Afghanistan, the Chief Financial Adviser and Mrs Taubsypuss the cat, all stood tense and rigid. They were very much afraid. But the President himself kept a cool head and a clear brain. 'Nanny!' he cried. 'Oh, Nanny, what on earth do we do now?'
   'I'll get you a nice warm glass of milk,' said Miss Tibbs.
   'I hate the stuff,' said the President. 'Please don't make me drink it!'
   'Summon the Chief Interpreter,' said Miss Tibbs.
   'Summon the Chief Interpreter!' said the President. 'Where is he?'
   'Right here, Mr President,' said the Chief Interpreter.
   'What language was that creature spouting up there in the Space Hotel? Be quick! Was it Eskimo?'
   'Not Eskimo, Mr President.'
   'Ha! Then it was Tagalog! Either Tagalog or Ugro!'
   'Not Tagalog, Mr President. Not Ugro, either.'
   'Was it Tulu, then? Or Tungus or Tupi?'
   'Definitely not Tulu, Mr President. And I'm quite sure it wasn't Tungus or Tupi.'
   'Don't stand there telling him what it wasn't, you idiot!' said Miss Tibbs. 'Tell him what it was!'
   'Yes, ma'am, Miss Vice-President, ma'am,' said the Chief Interpreter, beginning to shake. 'Believe me, Mr President,' he went on, 'it was not a language I have ever heard before.'
   'But I thought you knew every language in the world?' 'I do, Mr President.'
   'Don't lie to me, Chief Interpreter. How can you possibly know every language in the world when you don't know this one?'
   'It is not a language of this world, Mr President.'
   'Nonsense, man!' barked Miss Tibbs. 'I understood some of it myself!'
   'These people, Miss Vice-President, ma'am, have obviously tried to learn just a few of our easier words, but the rest of it is a language that has never been heard before on this Earth!'
   'Screaming scorpions!' cried the President. 'You mean to tell me they could be coming from … from … from somewhere else?'
   'Precisely, Mr President.' 'Like where?' said the President.
   'Who knows?' said the Chief Interpreter. 'But did you not notice, Mr President, how they used the words Venus and Mars?'
   'Of course I noticed it,' said the President. 'But what's that got to do with it? … Ah-ha! I see what you're driving at! Good gracious me! Men from Mars!'
   'And Venus,' said the Chief Interpreter. 'That,' said the President, 'could make for trouble.' 'I'll say it could!' said the Chief Interpreter. 'He wasn't talking to you,' said Miss Tibbs. 'What do we do now, General?' said the President. 'Blow 'em up!' cried the General.
   'You're always wanting to blow things up,' said the President crossly. 'Can't you think of something else?'
   'I like blowing things up,' said the General. 'It makes such a lovely noise. Woomph-woomph!'
   'Don't be a fool!' said Miss Tibbs. 'If you blow these people up, Mars will declare war on us!
   So will Venus!'
   'Quite right, Nanny,' said the President. 'We'd be troculated like turkeys, every one of us! We'd be mashed like potatoes!'
   'I'll take 'em on!' shouted the Chief of the Army.
   'Shut up!' snapped Miss Tibbs. 'You're fired!'
   'Hooray!' said all the other generals. 'Well done, Miss Vice-President, ma'am!'
   Miss Tibbs said, 'We've got to treat these fellows gently. The one who spoke just now sounded extremely cross. We've got to be polite to them, butter them up, make them happy. The last thing we want is to be invaded by men from Mars! You've got to talk to them, Mr President. Tell Houston we want another direct radio link with the Space Hotel. And hurry!'

6
Invitation to the White House

   'The President of the United States will now address you!' announced the loudspeaker voice in the lobby of the Space Hotel.
   Grandma Georgina's head peeped cautiously out from under the sheets. Grandma Josephine took her fingers out of her ears and Grandpa George lifted his face out of the pillow.
   'You mean he's actually going to speak to us?' whispered Charlie. 'Ssshhh!' said Mr Wonka. 'Listen!'
   'Dear friends!' said the well-known Presidential voice over the loudspeaker. 'Dear, dear friends! Welcome to Space Hotel "U.S.A." Greetings to the brave astronauts from Mars and Venus …'
   'Mars and Venus!' whispered Charlie. 'You mean he thinks we're from …'
   'Ssshh-ssshh-ssshh!' said Mr Wonka. He was doubled up with silent laughter, shaking all over and hopping from one foot to the other.
   'You have come a long way,' the President continued, 'so why don't you come just a tiny bit farther and pay us a visit down here on our humble little Earth? I invite all eight of you to stay with me here in Washington as my honoured guests. You could land that wonderful glass air-machine of yours on the lawn in back of the White House. We shall have the red carpet out and ready. I do hope you know enough of our language to understand me. I shall wait most anxiously for your reply …'
   There was a click and the President went off the air.
   'What a fantastic thing!' whispered Grandpa Joe. 'The White House, Charlie! We're invited to the White House as honoured guests!'
   Charlie caught hold of Grandpa Joe's hands and the two of them started dancing round and round the lobby of the hotel. Mr Wonka, still shaking with laughter, went and sat down on the bed and signalled everyone to gather round close so they could whisper without being heard by the hidden microphones.
   'They're scared to death,' he whispered. 'They won't bother us any more now. So let's have that feast we were talking about and afterwards we can explore the hotel.'
   'Aren't we going to the White House?' whispered Grandma Josephine. 'I want to go to the White House and stay with the President.'
   'My dear old dotty dumpling,' said Mr Wonka. 'You look as much like a man from Mars as a bedbug! They'd know at once they'd been fooled. We'd be arrested before we could say how d'you do.'
   Mr Wonka was right. There could be no question of accepting the President's invitation and they all knew it.
   'But we've got to say something to him,' Charlie whispered. 'He must be sitting down there in the White House this very minute waiting for an answer.'
   'Make an excuse,' said Mr Bucket.
   'Tell him we're otherwise engaged,' said Mrs Bucket.
   'You are right,' whispered Mr Wonka. 'It is rude to ignore an invitation.' He stood up and walked a few paces from the group. For a moment or two he remained quite still, gathering his thoughts. Then once again Charlie saw those tiny twinkling smiling wrinkles around the corners of the eyes, and when he began to speak, his voice this time was like the voice of a giant, deep and devilish, very loud and very slow:

 
'In the quelchy quaggy sogmire,
In the mashy mideous harshland,
At the witchy hour of gloomness,
All the grobes come oozing home.
 

 
You can hear them softly slimeing,
Glissing hissing o'er the slubber,
All those oily boily bodies
Oozing onward in the gloam.
 

 
So start to run! Oh, skid and daddle
Through the slubber slush and sossel!
Skip jump hop and try to skaddle!
All the grobes are on the roam!'
 

   In his study two hundred and forty thousand miles below, the President turned white as the White House. 'Jumping jack-rabbits!' he cried. 'I think they're after us!'
   'Oh, please let me blow them up!' said the Ex-Chief of the Army. 'Silence!' said Miss Tibbs. 'Go stand in the corner!'
   In the lobby of the Space Hotel, Mr Wonka had merely paused in order to think up another verse, and he was just about to start off again when a frightful piercing scream stopped him cold. The screamer was Grandma Josephine. She was sitting up in bed and pointing with a shaking finger at the lifts at the far end of the lobby. She screamed a second time, still pointing, and all eyes turned toward the lifts. The door of the one on the left was sliding slowly open and the watchers could clearly see that there was something … something thick … something brown … something not exactly brown, but greenish-brown … something with slimy skin and large eyes … squatting inside the lift!

7
Something Nasty in the Lifts

   Grandma Josephine had stopped screaming now. She had gone rigid with shock. The rest
   of the group by the bed, including Charlie and Grandpa Joe, had become as still as stone.
   They dared not move. They dared hardly breathe. And Mr Wonka, who had swung quickly
   around to look when the first scream came, was as dumbstruck as the rest. He stood
   motionless, gaping at the thing in the lift, his mouth slightly open, his eyes stretched wide
   as two wheels. What he saw, what they all saw, was this:
   It looked more than anything like an enormous egg balanced on its pointed end. It was as tall as a big boy and wider than the fattest man. The greenish-brown skin had a shiny wettish appearance and there were wrinkles in it. About three-quarters of the way up, in the widest part, there were two large round eyes as big as tea-cups. The eyes were white, but each had a brilliant red pupil in the centre. The red pupils were resting on Mr Wonka. But now they began travelling slowly across to Charlie and Grandpa Joe and the others by the bed, settling upon them and gazing at them with a cold malevolent stare. The eyes were everything. There were no other features, no nose or mouth or ears, but the entire egg-shaped body was itself moving very very slightly, pulsing and bulging gently here and there as though the skin were filled with some thick fluid.
   At this point, Charlie suddenly noticed that the next lift was coming down. The indicator numbers above the door were flashing … 6 … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … L (for lobby). There was a slight pause. The door slid open and there, inside the second lift, was another enormous slimy wrinkled greenish-brown egg with eyes!
   Now the numbers were flashing above all three of the remaining lifts. Down they came … down … down … down … And soon, at precisely the same time, they reached the lobby floor and the doors slid open … five open doors now … one creature in each … five in all … and five pairs of eyes with brilliant red centres all watching Mr Wonka and watching Charlie and Grandpa Joe and the others.
   There were slight differences in size and shape between the five, but all had the same greenish-brown wrinkled skin and the skin was rippling and pulsing.
   For about thirty seconds nothing happened. Nobody stirred, nobody made a sound. The silence was terrible. So was the suspense. Charlie was so frightened he felt himself shrinking inside his skin. Then he saw the creature in the left-hand lift suddenly starting to change shape! Its body was slowly becoming longer and longer, and thinner and thinner, going up and up towards the roof of the lift, not straight up, but curving a little to the left, making a snake-like curve that was curiously graceful, up to the left and then curling over the top to the right and coming down again in a half-circle … and then the bottom end began to grow out as well, like a tail … creeping along the floor … creeping along the floor to the left … until at last the creature, which had originally looked like a huge egg, now looked like a long curvy serpent standing up on its tail.
   Then the one in the next lift began stretching itself in much the same way, and what a weird and oozy thing it was to watch! It was twisting itself into a shape that was a bit different from the first, balancing itself almost but not quite on the tip of its tail.
   Then the three remaining creatures began stretching themselves all at the same time, each one elongating itself slowly upward, growing taller and taller, thinner and thinner, curving and twisting, stretching and stretching, curling and bending, balancing either on the tail or the head or both, and turned sideways now so that only one eye was visible. When they had all stopped stretching and bending, this was how they finished up:
   'Scram!' shouted Mr Wonka. 'Get out quick!'
   People have never moved faster than Grandpa Joe and Charlie and Mr and Mrs Bucket at that moment. They all got behind the bed and started pushing like crazy. Mr Wonka ran in front of them shouting 'Scram! Scram! Scram!' and in ten seconds flat all of them were out of the lobby and back inside the Great Glass Elevator. Frantically, Mr Wonka began undoing bolts and pressing buttons. The door of the Great Glass Elevator snapped shut and the whole thing leaped sideways. They were away! And of course all of them, including the three old ones in the bed, floated up again into the air.

8
The Vermicious Knids

   'Oh, my goodness me!' gasped Mr Wonka. 'Oh, my sainted pants! Oh, my painted ants! Oh, my crawling cats! I hope never to see anything like that again!' He floated over to the white button and pressed it. The booster-rockets fired. The Elevator shot forward at such a speed that soon the Space Hotel was out of sight far behind.
   'But who were those awful creatures?' Charlie asked.
   'You mean you didn't know?' cried Mr Wonka. 'Well, it's a good thing you didn't! If you'd had even the faintest idea of what horrors you were up against, the marrow would have run out of your bones! You'd have been fossilized with fear and glued to the ground! Then they'd have got you! You'd have been a cooked cucumber! You'd have been rasped into a thousand tiny bits, grated like cheese and flocculated alive! They'd have made necklaces from your knucklebones and bracelets from your teeth! Because those creatures, my dear ignorant boy, are the most brutal, vindictive, venomous, murderous beasts in the entire universe!' Here Mr Wonka paused and ran the tip of a pink tongue all the way around his lips. 'VERMICIOUS KNIDS!' he cried. 'That's what they were!' He sounded the K … K'NIDS, like that.
   'I thought they were grobes,' Charlie said. 'Those oozy-woozy grobes you were telling the President about.'
   'Oh, no, I just made those up to scare the White House,' Mr Wonka answered. 'But there is nothing made up about Vermicious Knids, believe you me. They live, as everybody knows, on the planet Vermes, which is eighteen thousand four hundred and twenty-seven million miles away and they are very, very clever brutes indeed. The Vermicious Knid can turn itself into any shape it wants. It has no bones. Its body is really one huge muscle, enormously strong, but very stretchy and squishy, like a mixture of rubber and putty with steel wires inside. Normally it is egg-shaped, but it can just as easily give itself two legs like a human or four legs like a horse. It can become as round as a ball or as long as a kite-string. From fifty yards away, a fully grown Vermicious Knid could stretch out its neck and bite your head off without even getting up!'
   'Bite off your head with what?' said Grandma Georgina. 'I didn't see any mouth.' 'They have other things to bite with,' said Mr Wonka darkly. 'Such as what?' said Grandma Georgina.
   'Ring off,' said Mr Wonka. 'Your time's up. But listen, everybody. I've just had a funny thought. There I was fooling around with the President and pretending we were creatures from some other planet and, by golly, there actually were creatures from some other planet on board!'
   'Do you think there were many?' Charlie asked. 'More than the five we saw?'
   'Thousands!' said Mr Wonka. 'There are five hundred rooms in that Space Hotel and there's probably a family of them in every room!'
   'Somebody's going to get a nasty shock when they go on board!' said Grandpa Joe. They'll be eaten like peanuts,' said Mr Wonka. 'Every one of them.' 'You don't really mean that, do you, Mr Wonka?' Charlie said.
   'Of course I mean it,' said Mr Wonka. 'These Vermicious Knids are the terror of the Universe. They travel through space in great swarms, landing on other stars and planets and destroying everything they find. There used to be some rather nice creatures living on the moon a long time ago. They were called Poozas. But the Vermicious Knids ate the lot. They did the same on Venus and Mars and many other planets.'
   'Why haven't they come down to our Earth and eaten us?' Charlie asked.
   'They've tried to, Charlie, many times, but they've never made it. You see, all around our Earth there is a vast envelope of air and gas, and anything hitting that at high speed gets red hot. Space capsules are made of special heat-proof metal, and when they make a re-entry, their speeds are reduced right down to about two thousand miles an hour, first by retro-rockets and then by something called "friction". But even so, they get badly scorched. Knids, which are not heat-proof at all, and don't have any retro-rockets, get sizzled up completely before they're halfway through. Have you ever seen a shooting star?'
   'Lots of them,' Charlie said.
   'Actually, they're not shooting stars at all,' said Mr Wonka. 'They're Shooting Knids. They're Knids trying to enter the Earth's atmosphere at high speed and going up in flames.'
   'What rubbish,' said Grandma Georgina.
   'You wait,' said Mr Wonka. 'You may see it happening before the day is done.'
   'But if they're so fierce and dangerous,' Charlie said, 'why didn't they eat us up right away in the Space Hotel? Why did they waste time twisting their bodies into letters and writing SCRAM?'
   'Because they're show-offs,' Mr Wonka replied. 'They're tremendously proud of being able to write like that.'
   'But why say scram when they wanted to catch us and eat us?'
   'It's the only word they know,' Mr Wonka said.
   'Look!' screamed Grandma Josephine, pointing through the glass. 'Over there!'
   Before he even looked, Charlie knew exactly what he was going to see. So did the others. They could tell by the high hysterical note in the old lady's voice.
   And there it was, cruising effortlessly alongside them, a simply colossal Vermicious Knid, as thick as a whale, as long as a lorry, with the most brutal vermicious look in its eye! It was no more than a dozen yards away, egg-shaped, slimy, greenish-brown, with one malevolent red eye (the only one visible) fixed intently upon the people floating inside the Great Glass Elevator!
   'The end has come!' screamed Grandma Georgina. 'He'll eat us all!' cried Mrs Bucket. 'In one gulp!' said Mr Bucket.
   'We're done for, Charlie,' said Grandpa Joe. Charlie nodded. He couldn't speak or make a sound. His throat was seized up with fright.
   But this time Mr Wonka didn't panic. He remained perfectly calm. 'We'll soon get rid of that!' he said and he pressed six buttons all at once and six booster-rockets went off simultaneously under the Elevator. The Elevator leaped forward like a stung horse, faster and faster, but the great green greasy Knid kept pace alongside it with no trouble at all.
   'Make it go away!' yelled Grandma Georgina. 'I can't stand it looking at me!'
   'Dear lady,' said Mr Wonka, 'it can't possibly get in here. I don't mind admitting I was a trifle alarmed back there in the Space Hotel. And with good reason. But here we have nothing to fear. The Great Glass Elevator is shockproof, waterproof, bombproof, bulletproof and Knidproof! So just relax and enjoy it.'
   'Oh you Knid, you are vile and vermicious!'
   cried Mr Wonka.

 
'You are slimy and soggy and squishous!
But what do we care
'Cause you can't get in here,
So hop it and don't get ambitious!'
 

   At this point, the massive Knid outside turned and started cruising away from the Elevator. 'There you are,' cried Mr Wonka, triumphant. 'It heard me! It's going home!' But Mr Wonka was wrong. When the creature was about a hundred yards off, it stopped, hovered for a moment, then went smoothly into reverse, coming back toward the Elevator with its rear-end (which was the pointed end of the egg) now in front. Even going backwards, its acceleration was unbelievable. It was like some monstrous bullet coming at them and it came so fast nobody had time even to cry out.
   CRASH! It struck the Glass Elevator with the most enormous bang and the whole thing shivered and shook but the glass held and the Knid bounced off like a rubber ball.
   'What did I tell you!' shouted Mr Wonka, triumphant. 'We're safe as sausages in here!' 'He'll have a nasty headache after that,' said Grandpa Joe.
   'It's not his head, it's his bottom!' said Charlie. 'Look, there's a big bump coming up on the pointed end where he hit! It's going black and blue!'
   And so it was. A purple bruisy bump the size of a small car was appearing on the pointed rear-end of the giant Knid. 'Hello, you dirty great beast!' cried Mr Wonka.

 
'Hello, you great Knid! Tell us, how do you do?
You're a rather strange colour today.
Your bottom is purple and lavender blue.
Should it really be looking that way?
 

 
Are you not feeling well? Are you going to faint?
Is it something we cannot discuss?
It must be a very unpleasant complaint,
For your backside's as big as a bus!
 

 
Let me get you a doctor. I know just the man
For a Knid with a nasty disease.
He's a butcher by trade which is not a bad plan,
And he charges quite reasonable fees.
 

 
Ah, here he is now! "Doc, you really are kind
To travel so far into space.
There's your patient, the Knid with the purple behind!
Do you think it's a desperate case?"
 

 
"Great heavens above! It's no wonder he's pale!"
Said the doc with a horrible grin.
"There's a sort of balloon on the end of his tail!
I must prick it at once with a pin!"
 

 
So he got out a thing like an Indian spear,
With feathers all over the top,
And he lunged and he caught the Knid smack in the rear,
But alas, the balloon didn't pop!
 

 
Cried the Knid, "What on earth am I going to do
With this painful preposterous lump?
I can't remain standing the whole summer through!
And I cannot sit down on my rump!"
 

 
"It's a bad case of rear-ache," the medico said,
"And it's something I cannot repair.
If you want to sit down, you must sit on your head,
With your bottom high up in the air!"'
 

9
Gobbled Up

   On the day when all this was happening, no factories opened anywhere in the world. All offices and schools were closed. Nobody moved away from the television screens, not even for a couple of minutes to get a Coke or to feed the baby. The tension was unbearable. Everybody heard the American President's invitation to the men from Mars to visit him in the White House. And they heard the weird rhyming reply, which sounded rather threatening. They also heard a piercing scream (Grandma Josephine), and a little later on, they heard someone shouting, 'Scram! Scram! Scram!' (Mr Wonka). Nobody could make head or tail of the shouting. They took it to be some kind of Martian language. But when the eight mysterious astronauts suddenly rushed back into their glass capsule and broke away from the Space Hotel, you could almost hear the great sigh of relief that rose up from the peoples of the earth. Telegrams and messages poured into the White House congratulating the President upon his brilliant handling of a frightening situation.
   The President himself remained calm and thoughtful. He sat at his desk rolling a small piece of wet chewing-gum between his finger and thumb. He was waiting for the moment when he could flick it at Miss Tibbs without her seeing him. He flicked it and missed Miss Tibbs but hit the Chief of the Air Force on the tip of his nose.
   'Do you think the men from Mars have accepted my invitation to the White House?' the President asked.
   'Of course they have,' said the Foreign Secretary. 'It was a brilliant speech, sir.'
   'They're probably on their way down here right now,' said Miss Tibbs. 'Go and wash that nasty sticky chewing-gum off your fingers quickly. They could be here any minute.'
   'Let's have a song first,' said the President. 'Sing another one about me, Nanny … please.'
   THE NURSE'S SONG

 
This mighty man of whom I sing,
The greatest of them all,
Was once a teeny little thing,
Just eighteen inches tall.
 

 
I knew him as a tiny tot.
I nursed him on my knee.
I used to sit him on the pot
And wait for him to wee.
 

 
I always washed between his toes,
And cut his little nails.
I brushed his hair and wiped his nose
And weighed him on the scales.
 

 
Through happy childhood days he strayed,
As all nice children should.
I smacked him when he disobeyed,
And stopped when he was good.
 

 
It soon began to dawn on me
He wasn't very bright,
Because when he was twenty-three
He couldn't read or write.
 

 
'What shall we do?' his parents sobbed.
'The boy has got the vapours!
He couldn't even get a job
Delivering the papers!'
 

 
'Ah-ha,' I said. 'This little clot
Could be a politician.'
'Nanny,' he cried. 'Oh Nanny, what
A super proposition!'
 

 
'Okay,' I said. 'Let's learn and note
The art of politics.
Let's teach you how to miss the boat
And how to drop some bricks,
And how to win the people's vote
And lots of other tricks.
 

 
Let's learn to make a speech a day
Upon the TV screen,
In which you never never say
Exactly what you mean.
 

 
And most important, by the way,
Is not to let your teeth decay,
And keep your fingers clean.'
 

 
And now that I am eighty-nine,
It's too late to repent.
The fault was mine the little swine
Became the President.
 

   'Bravo, Nanny!' cried the President, clapping his hands. 'Hooray!' shouted the others. 'Well done, Miss Vice-President, ma'am! Brilliant! Tremendous!'
   'My goodness!' said the President. 'Those men from Mars will be here any moment! What on earth are we going to give them for lunch? Where's my Chief Cook?'
   The Chief Cook was a Frenchman. He was also a French spy and at this moment he was listening at the keyhole of the President's study. 'Ici, Monsieur le President!' he said, bursting in.
   'Chief Cook,' said the President. 'What do men from Mars eat for lunch?'
   'Mars Bars,' said the Chief Cook.
   'Baked or boiled?' asked the President.
   'Oh, baked, of course, Monsieur le President. You will ruin a Mars Bar by boiling!'
   The voice of astronaut Shuckworth cut in over the loudspeaker in the President's study.
   'Request permission to link up and go aboard Space Hotel?' he said.
   'Permission granted,' said the President. 'Go right ahead, Shuckworth. It's all clear now … Thanks to me.'
   And so the large Transport Capsule, piloted by Shuckworth, Shanks and Showler, with all the hotel managers and assistant managers and hall porters and pastry chefs and bell-boys and waitresses and chambermaids on board, moved in smoothly and linked up with the giant Space Hotel.
   'Hey there! We've lost our television picture,' called the President.
   'I'm afraid the camera got smashed against the side of the Space Hotel, Mr President,' Shuckworth replied. The President said a very rude word into the microphone and ten million children across the nation began repeating it gleefully and got smacked by their parents.
   'All astronauts and one hundred and fifty hotel staff safely aboard Space Hotel!' Shuckworth reported over the radio. 'We are now standing in the lobby!'
   'And what do you think of it all?' asked the President. He knew the whole world was listening in and he wanted Shuckworth to say how wonderful it was. Shuckworth didn't let him down.
   'Gee, Mr President, it's just great!' he said. 'It's unbelievable! It's so enormous! And so … it's kind of hard to find words to describe it, it's so truly grand, especially the chandeliers and the carpets and all! I have the Chief Hotel Manager, Mr Walter W. Wall, beside me now. He would like the honour of a word with you, sir.'
   'Put him on,' said the President.
   'Mr President, sir, this is Walter Wall. What a sumptuous hotel this is! The decorations are superb!'
   'Have you noticed that all the carpets are wall-to-wall, Mr Walter Wall?' said the President.
   'I have indeed, Mr President.'
   'All the wallpaper is all wall-to-wall, too, Mr Walter Wall.'
   'Yes, sir, Mr President! Isn't that something! It's going to be a real pleasure running a beautiful hotel like this! … Hey! What's going on over there? Something's coming out of the lifts! Help!' Suddenly the loudspeaker in the President's study gave out a series of the most ghastly screams and yells. 'Ayeeeee! Owwwww! Ayeeeee! Hel-l-l-lp! Hel-l-l-l-l-lp! Hel-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-lp!'
   'What on earth's going on?' said the President. 'Shuckworth! Are you there, Shuckworth? … Shanks! Showler! Mr Walter Wall! Where are you all! What's happening?'
   The screams continued. They were so loud the President had to put his fingers in his ears. Every house in the world that had a television or radio receiver heard those awful screams. There were other noises, too. Loud grunts and snortings and crunching sounds. Then there was silence.
   Frantically the President called the Space Hotel on the radio. Houston called the Space Hotel. The President called Houston. Houston called the President. Then both of them called the Space Hotel again. But answer came there none. Up there in space all was silent.
   'Something nasty's happened,' said the President.
   'It's those men from Mars,' said the Ex-Chief of the Army. 'I told you to let me blow them up.'
   'Silence!' snapped the President. 'I've got to think.'
   The loudspeaker began to crackle. 'Hello!' it said. 'Hello hello hello! Are you receiving me, Space Control in Houston?'
   The President grabbed the mike on his desk. 'Leave this to me, Houston!' he shouted. 'President Gilligrass here receiving you loud and clear! Go ahead!'
   'Astronaut Shuckworth here, Mr President, back aboard the Transport Capsule … thank heavens!'
   'What happened, Shuckworth? Who's with you?'
   'We're most of us here, Mr President, I'm glad to say. Shanks and Showler are with me, and a whole bunch of other folks. I guess we lost maybe a couple of dozen people altogether, pastry chefs, hall porters, that sort of thing. It sure was a scramble getting out of that place alive!'
   'What do you mean you lost two dozen people?' shouted the President. 'How did you lose them?'
   'Gobbled up!' replied Shuckworth. 'One gulp and that was it! I saw a big six-foot-tall assistant-manager being swallowed up just like you'd swallow a lump of ice-cream, Mr President! No chewing — nothing! Just down the hatch!'
   'But who?' yelled the President. 'Who are you talking about? Who did the swallowing?'
   'Hold it!' cried Shuckworth. 'Oh, my lord, here they all come now! They're coming after us! They're swarming out of the Space Hotel! They're coming out in swarms! You'll have to excuse me a moment, Mr President. No time to talk right now!'

10
Transport Capsule in Trouble — Attack No. 1

   While Shuckworth, Shanks and Showler were being chased out of the Space Hotel by the Knids, Mr Wonka's Great Glass Elevator was orbiting the Earth at tremendous speed. Mr Wonka had all his booster-rockets firing and the Elevator was reaching speeds of thirty-four thousand miles an hour instead of the normal seventeen thousand. They were trying, you see, to get away from that huge angry Vermicious Knid with the purple behind. Mr Wonka wasn't afraid of it, but Grandma Josephine was petrified. Every time she looked at it, she let out a piercing scream and clapped her hands over her eyes. But of course thirty-four thousand miles an hour is dawdling to a Knid. Healthy young Knids think nothing of travelling a million miles between lunch and supper, and then another million before breakfast the next day. How else could they travel between the planet Vermes and other stars? Mr Wonka should have known this and saved his rocket-power, but he kept right on going and the giant Knid kept right on cruising effortlessly alongside, glaring into the Elevator with its wicked red eye. 'You people have bruised my backside,' the Knid seemed to be saying, 'and in the end I'm going to get you for that.'
   They had been streaking around the Earth like this for about forty-five minutes when Charlie, who was floating comfortably beside Grandpa Joe near the ceiling, said suddenly, 'There's something ahead! Can you see it, Grandpa? Straight in front of us!'
   'I can, Charlie, I can … Good heavens, it's the Space Hotel!' 'It can't be, Grandpa. We left it miles behind us long ago.'
   ' Ah-ha,' said Mr Wonka. 'We've been going so fast we've gone all the way around the Earth and caught up with it again! A splendid effort!'
   'And there's the Transport Capsule! Can you see it, Grandpa? It's just behind the Space Hotel!'
   'There's something else there, too, Charlie, if I'm not mistaken!'
   'I know what those are!' screamed Grandma Josephine. 'They're Vermicious Knids! Turn back at once!'
   'Reverse!' yelled Grandma Georgina. 'Go the other way!'
   'Dear lady,' said Mr Wonka. 'This isn't a car on the motorway. When you are in orbit, you cannot stop and you cannot go backwards.'
   'I don't care about that!' shouted Grandma Josephine. 'Put on the brakes! Stop! Back-pedal!
   The Knids'll get us!'
   'Now let's for heaven's sake stop this nonsense once and for all,' Mr Wonka said sternly. 'You know very well my Elevator is completely Knidproof. You have nothing to fear.'
   They were closer now and they could see the Knids pouring out from the tail of the Space Hotel and swarming like wasps around the Transport Capsule.
   'They're attacking it!' cried Charlie. 'They're after the Transport Capsule!'
   It was a fearsome sight. The huge green egg-shaped Knids were grouping themselves into squadrons with about twenty Knids to a squadron. Then each squadron formed itself into a line abreast, with one yard between Knids. Then, one after another, the squadrons began attacking the Transport Capsule. They attacked in reverse with their pointed rear-ends in front and they came in at a fantastic speed.
   WHAM! One squadron attacked, bounced off and wheeled away.
   CRASH! Another squadron smashed against the side of the Transport Capsule.
   'Get us out of here, you madman!' screamed Grandma Josephine. 'What are you waiting for?'
   'They'll be coming after us next!' yelled Grandma Georgina. 'For heaven's sake, man, turn back!'
   'I doubt very much if that capsule of theirs is Knidproof,' said Mr Wonka.
   'Then we must help them!' cried Charlie. 'We've got to do something! There are a hundred and fifty people inside that thing!'
   Down on the Earth, in the White House study, the President and his advisers were listening in horror to the voices of the astronauts over the radio.
   'They're coming at us in droves!' Shuckworth was shouting. 'They're bashing us to bits!' 'But who?' yelled the President. 'You haven't even told us who's attacking you!'
   'These dirty great greenish-brown brutes with red eyes!' shouted Shanks, butting in. 'They're shaped like enormous eggs and they're coming at us backwards!'
   'Backwards?' cried the President. 'Why backwards?'
   'Because their bottoms are even more pointy than their tops!' shouted Shuckworth. 'Look out! Here comes another lot!' BANG! 'We won't be able to stand this much longer, Mr President! The waitresses are screaming and the chambermaids are all hysterical and the bell-boys are being sick and the hall porters are saying their prayers so what shall we do, Mr President, sir, what on earth shall we do?'
   'Fire your rockets, you idiot, and make a re-entry!' shouted the President. 'Come back to Earth immediately!'
   'That's impossible!' cried Showler. 'They've busted our rockets! They've smashed them to smithereens!'
   'We're cooked, Mr President!' shouted Shanks. 'We're done for! Because even if they don't succeed in destroying the capsule, we'll have to stay up here in orbit for the rest of our lives! We can't make a re-entry without rockets!'
   The President was sweating and the sweat ran all the way down the back of his neck and inside his collar.
   'Any moment now, Mr President,' Shanks went on, 'we're going to lose contact with you altogether! There's another lot coming at us from the left and they're aiming straight for our radio aerial! Here they come! I don't think we'll be able to …' The voice cut. The radio went dead.
   'Shanks!' cried the President. 'Where are you, Shanks? … Shuckworth! Shanks! Showler! … Showlworth! Shucks! Shankler! … Shankworth! Show! Shuckler! Why don't you answer me?!'
   Up in the Great Glass Elevator where they had no radio and could hear nothing of these conversations, Charlie was saying, 'Surely their only hope is to make a re-entry and dive back to Earth quickly!'
   'Yes,' said Mr Wonka. 'But in order to re-enter the Earth's atmosphere they've got to kick themselves out of orbit. They've got to change course and head downwards and to do that they need rockets! But their rocket tubes are all dented and bent! You can see that from here! They're crippled!'
   'Why can't we tow them down?' Charlie asked.
   Mr Wonka jumped. Even though he was floating, he somehow jumped. He was so excited he shot upwards and hit his head on the ceiling. Then he spun round three times in the air and cried, 'Charlie! You've got it! That's it! We'll tow them out of orbit! To the buttons, quick!'
   'What do we tow them with?' asked Grandpa Joe. 'Our neckties?'
   'Don't you worry about a little thing like that!' cried Mr Wonka. 'My Great Glass Elevator is ready for anything! In we go! Into the breach, dear friends, into the breach!'
   'Stop him!' screamed Grandma Josephine.
   'You be quiet, Josie,' said Grandpa Joe. 'There's someone over there needs a helping hand and it's our job to give it. If you're frightened, you'd better just close your eyes tight and stick your fingers in your ears.'

11
The Battle of the Knids

   'Grandpa Joe, sir!' shouted Mr Wonka. 'Kindly j et yourself over to the far corner of the
   Elevator there and turn that handle! It lowers the rope!'
   'A rope's no good, Mr Wonka! The Knids will bite through a rope in one second!'
   'It's a steel rope,' said Mr Wonka. 'It's made of re-inscorched steel. If they try to bite through that their teeth will splinter like spillikins! To your buttons, Charlie! You've got to help me manoeuvre! We're going right over the top of the Transport Capsule and then we'll try to hook on to it somewhere and get a firm hold!'
   Like a battleship going into action, the Great Glass Elevator with booster rockets firing moved smoothly in over the top of the enormous Transport Capsule. The Knids immediately stopped attacking the Capsule and went for the Elevator. Squadron after squadron of giant Vermicious Knids flung themselves furiously against Mr Wonka's marvellous machine! WHAM! CRASH! BANG! The noise was thunderous and terrible. The Elevator was tossed about the sky like a leaf, and inside it, Grandma Josephine, Grandma Georgina and Grandpa George, floating in their nightshirts, were all yowling and screeching and flapping their arms and calling for help. Mrs Bucket had wrapped her arms around Mr Bucket and was clasping him so tightly that one of his shirt buttons punctured his skin. Charlie and Mr Wonka, as cool as two cubes of ice, were up near the ceiling working the booster-rocket controls, and Grandpa Joe, shouting war-cries and throwing curses at the Knids, was down below turning the handle that unwound the steel rope. At the same time, he was watching the rope through the glass floor of the Elevator.
   'Starboard a bit, Charlie!' shouted Grandpa Joe. 'We're right on top of her now! … Forward a couple of yards, Mr Wonka! … I'm trying to get the hook hooked around that stumpy thing sticking out in front there! … Hold it! … I've got it … That's it! … Forward a little now and see if it holds! … More! … More! …' The big steel rope tightened. It held! And now, wonder of wonders, with her booster-rockets blazing, the Elevator began to tow the huge Transport Capsule forward and away!
   'Full speed ahead!' shouted Grandpa Joe. 'She's going to hold! She's holding! She's holding fine!'
   'All boosters firing!' cried Mr Wonka, and the Elevator leaped ahead. Still the rope held. Mr Wonka jetted himself down to Grandpa Joe and shook him warmly by the hand. 'Well done, sir,' he said. 'You did a brilliant job under heavy fire!'
   Charlie looked back at the Transport Capsule some thirty yards behind them on the end of the tow-line. It had little windows up front, and in the windows he could clearly see the flabbergasted faces of Shuckworth, Shanks and Showler. Charlie waved to them and gave them the thumbs-up signal. They didn't wave back. They simply gaped. They couldn't believe what was happening.
   Grandpa Joe blew himself upward and hovered beside Charlie, bubbling with excitement. 'Charlie, my boy,' he said. 'We've been through a few funny things together lately, but never anything like this!'