Fforde Jasper. The Well of Lost Plots

Jasper Fforde
The Well of Lost Plots
(Thursday Next #3)

   For Mari Who makes the torches burn brighter
 
   A wise man wants for only nourishing cabbage soup; seek not other things. Except perhaps a toaster.

— from the teachings of St Zvlkx™ the wisdom of St Zvlkx™ is wholly owned by the Toast Marketing Board

Acknowledgements

   Extract from Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh (copyright © Evelyn Waugh 1945) by permission of Peters, Fraser and Dunlop on behalf of the Evelyn Waugh Trust and the Estate of Laura Waugh.
   Reference to the Just So Stories by Rudyard Kipling (copyright © The National Trust for Places of Historic Interest or Natural Beauty) by kind permission of A. P. Watt Ltd.
   References to Shadow the Sheepdog by Enid Blyton by kind permission of Enid Blyton Limited and with thanks to Chorion pic.
   Frederick Warne & Co. is the owner of all rights, copyrights and trademarks in the Beatrix Potter character names and illustrations.
   Extract from Tiger Tiger (copyright © Alfred Bester 1955) by kind permission of the Estate of Alfred Bester and The Sayle Literary Agency.
 
   This book has been bundled with Special Features including: the 'making of' wordamentary, deleted scenes from all three books, out-takes and much more. To access all these free bonus features, log on to: www.jasperfforde.com/specialfeatures.html and enter the code word as directed.

1
The absence of breakfast

   'The Well of Lost Plots: To understand the Well you have to have an idea of the layout of the Great Library. The library is where all published fiction is stored so it can be read by the readers in the Outland; there are twenty-six floors, one for each letter of the alphabet. The library is constructed in the layout of a cross with the four corridors radiating from the centre point. On all the walls, end after end, shelf after shelf, are books. Hundreds, thousands, millions of books. Hardbacks, paperbacks, leather-bound, everything. But beneath the Great Library are twenty-six floors of dingy yet industrious sub-basements known as the Well of Lost Plots. This is where books are constructed, honed and polished in readiness for a place in the library above. But the similarity of all these books to the copies we read back home is no more than the similarity a photograph has to its subject; these books are alive.'

THURSDAY NEXT — The Jurisfiction Chronicles

 
   Making one's home in an unpublished novel wasn't without its compensations. All the boring day-to-day mundanities that we conduct in the real world get in the way of narrative flow and are thus generally avoided. The car didn't need refuelling, there were never any wrong numbers, there was always enough hot water, and vacuum-cleaner bags came in only two sizes — upright and pull-along. There were other, more subtle differences, too. For instance, no one ever needed to repeat themselves in case you didn't hear, no one shared the same name, talked at the same time or had a word annoyingly 'on the tip of their tongue'. Best of all, the bad guy was always someone you knew of and — Chaucer aside — there wasn't much farting. But there were some downsides. The relative absence of breakfast was the first and most notable difference to my daily timetable. Inside books, dinners are often written about and therefore feature frequently, as do lunches and afternoon tea; probably because they offer more opportunities to further the story. Breakfast wasn't all that was missing. There was a peculiar lack of cinemas, wallpaper, toilets, colours, books, animals, underwear, smells, haircuts and, strangely enough, minor illnesses. If someone was ill in a book it was either terminal and dramatically unpleasant or a mild head cold — there wasn't much in between.
   I was able to take up residence inside fiction by virtue of a scheme entitled the Character Exchange Programme. Owing to a spate of bored and disgruntled bookpeople escaping from their novels and becoming what we called 'PageRunners', the authorities set up the scheme to allow characters a change of scenery. In any year there are close to ten thousand exchanges, few of which result in any major plot or dialogue infringements — the reader rarely suspects anything at all. Since I was from the real world and not actually a character at all, the Bellman and Miss Havisham had agreed to let me live inside the BookWorld in exchange for helping out at Jurisfiction — at least as long as my pregnancy would allow.
   The choice of book for my self-enforced exile had not been arbitrary; when Miss Havisham asked me in which novel I would care to reside I had thought long and hard. Robinson Crusoe would have been ideal considering the climate but there was no one female to exchange with. I could have gone to Pride and Prejudice but I wasn't wild about high collars, bonnets, corsets — and delicate manners. No, to avoid any complications and reduce the possibility of having to move, I had decided to make my home in a book of such dubious and uneven quality that publication and my subsequent enforced ejection were unlikely in the extreme. I found just such a book deep within the Well of Lost Plots among failed attempts at prose and half-finished epics of such dazzling ineptness that they would never see the light of day. The book was a dreary crime thriller set in Reading entitled Caversham Heights. I had planned to stay there for only a year but it didn't work out that way. Plans with me are like De Floss novels — try as you might, you never know quite how they are going to turn out.
 
   I read my way into Caversham Heights. The air felt warm after the wintry conditions back home and I found myself standing on a wooden jetty at the edge of a lake. In front of me there was a large and seemingly derelict flying boat of the sort that still plied the coastal routes back home. I had flown on one myself not six months before on the trail of someone claiming to have found some unpublished Burns poetry. But that was another lifetime ago, when I was with SpecOps in Swindon, the world I had temporarily left behind.
   I donned a pair of dark glasses and stared at the ancient flying boat, which rocked gently in the breeze, tautening the mooring ropes and creaking gently. As I watched the old aircraft, wondering just how long something this decrepit could stay afloat, a well-dressed young woman stepped out of an oval-shaped door in the high-sided hull. She was carrying a suitcase. I had read Caversham Heights so I knew Mary well, although she didn't know me.
   'Hello!' she shouted, trotting up and offering me a hand. 'I'm Mary. You must be Thursday. My goodness! What's that?'
   'A dodo. Her name's Pickwick.'
   Pickwick plocked and stared at Mary suspiciously.
   'Really?' she replied, looking at the bird curiously. 'I'm no expert, of course, but … I thought dodos were extinct.'
   'Where I come from they're a bit of a pest.'
   'Oh?' mused Mary. 'I'm not sure I've heard of a book with live dodos in it.'
   'I'm not a bookperson,' I told her, 'I'm real.'
   'Oh!' exclaimed Mary, opening her eyes wide. 'An Outlander.'
   She touched me inquisitively with a slender index finger, as though I might be made of glass.
   'I've never seen someone from the other side before,' she announced, clearly relieved to find that I wasn't going to shatter into a thousand pieces. 'Tell me, is it true you have to cut your hair on a regular basis? I mean, your hair actually grows?
   'Yes.' I smiled. 'And my fingernails, too.'
   'Really?' Mary reflected. 'I've heard rumours about that but I thought it was just one of those Outlandish legends. I suppose you have to eat, too? To stay alive, I mean, not just when the story calls for it?'
   'One of the great pleasures of life,' I assured her.
   I didn't think I'd tell her about the real-world downsides such as tooth decay, incontinence or old age. Mary lived in a three-year window and neither aged, died, married, had children, got sick nor changed in any way. Although appearing resolute and strong minded she was only like this because she was written that way. For all her qualities, Mary was simply a foil to Jack Spratt, the detective in Caversham Heights, the loyal sergeant figure to whom Jack explained things so the readers knew what was going on. She was what writers called an expositional, but I'd never be as impolite as to say so to her face.
   'Is this where I'm going to live?'
   I was pointing at the shabby flying boat.
   'I know what you're thinking.' Mary smiled proudly. 'Isn't she just the most beautiful thing ever? She's a Sunderland; built in 1943 but last flew in '68. I'm midway through converting her to a houseboat, but don't feel shy if you want to help out. Just keep the bilges pumped out, and if you can run the number-three engine once a month I'd be very grateful — the start-up checklist is on the flight deck.'
   'Well — okay,' I muttered.
   'Good. I've left a précis of the story taped to the fridge and a rough idea of what you have to say, but don't worry about being word perfect; since we're not published you can say almost anything you want — within reason, of course.'
   'Of course.'
   I thought for a moment.
   'I'm new to the Character Exchange Programme,' I said. 'When will I be called to do something?'
   'Wyatt is the inbook exchange liaison officer; he'll let you know. Jack might seem gruff to begin with,' continued Mary, 'but he has a heart of gold. If he asks you to drive his Allegro, make sure you depress the clutch fully before changing gear. He takes his coffee black and the love interest between myself and DC Baker is strictly unrequited, is that clear?'
   'Very clear,' I returned, thankful I would not have to do any love scenes.
   'Good. Did they supply you with all the necessary paperwork, IDs, that sort of thing?'
   I patted my pocket and she handed me a scrap of paper and a bunch of keys.
   'Good. This is my footnoterphone number in case of emergencies, these are the keys to the flying boat and my BMW. If a loser named Arnold calls, tell him I hope he rots in hell. Any questions?'
   'I don't think so.'
   She smiled.
   'Then we're done. You'll like it here. I'll see you in about a year. So long!'
   She gave a cheery wave and walked off up the dusty track. I watched until she was out of sight then sat upon a rickety wooden seat next to a long-dead tub of flowers. I let Pickwick out of her bag. She ruffled her feathers indignantly and blinked in the sunlight. I looked across the lake at the sailing dinghies, which were little more than brightly coloured triangles that tacked backwards and forwards in the distance. Nearer to shore a pair of swans beat their wings furiously and pedalled the water in an attempt to take off, landing almost as soon as they were airborne, and throwing up a long streak of spray on the calm waters. It seemed a lot of effort to go a few hundred yards.
   I turned my attention to the flying boat. The layers of paint that covered and protected the riveted hull had partly peeled off, to reveal the colourful livery of long-forgotten airlines. The perspex windows had clouded with age, and high in the massive wing untidy cables hung lazily from the oil-stained cowlings of the three empty engine bays, their safe inaccessibility now a haven for nesting birds. Goliath, Aornis and SpecOps seemed a million miles away — but then, so did Landen. Landen. Memories of my husband were never far away. I thought of all the times we had spent together that hadn't actually happened. All the places we hadn't visited, all the things we hadn't done. He may have been eradicated at the age of two, but I still had our memories — just no one to share them with.
   I was interrupted in my thoughts by the sound of a motorcycle approaching. The rider didn't have much control of the vehicle; I was glad that he stopped short of the jetty — his erratic riding may well have led him straight into the lake.
   'Hello!' he said cheerfully, removing his helmet to reveal a youngish man with a dark Mediterranean complexion and deep sunken eyes. 'My name's Arnold. I haven't seen you around here before, have I?'
   I got up and shook his hand.
   'The name's Next. Thursday Next. Character Exchange Programme.'
   'Oh, blast!' he muttered. 'Blast and double blast! I suppose that means I've missed her?'
   I nodded and he stared up the road, shaking his head sadly.
   'Did she leave a message for me?'
   'Y-es,' I said uncertainly, 'she said she would — um — see you when she gets back.'
   'She did?' replied Arnold, brightening up. 'That's a good sign. Normally she calls me a loser and tells me to go rot in hell.'
   'She probably won't be back for a while,' I added, trying to make up for not passing on Mary's message properly, 'maybe a year — maybe more.'
   'I see,' he murmured, sighing deeply and staring off across the lake. He caught sight of Pickwick, who was attempting to out-stare a strange aquatic bird with a rounded bill.
   'What's that?' he asked suddenly.
   'I think it's a duck although I can't be sure — we don't have any where I come from.'
   'No, the other thing.'
   'A dodo.'^[1]
   'What's the matter?' asked Arnold.
   I was getting a footnoterphone signal; in the BookWorld people generally communicated like this.
   'A footnoterphone call,' I replied, 'but it's not a message — it's like the wireless back home.'^[2]
   Arnold stared at me.
   'You're not from around here, are you?'
   'I'm from what you call the Outland^[3]
   He opened his eyes wide.
   'You mean … you're real?
   'I'm afraid so,' I replied, slightly bemused.
   'Goodness! Is it true that Outlanders can't say "Red-Buick-Blue-Buick" many times quickly?'
   'It's true. We call it a tongue-twister.'
   'Fascinating!' he replied. 'There's nothing like that here, you know. I can say: "The sixth sheikh's sixth sheep's sick" over and over as many times as I want!'
   And he did, three times.
   'Now you try.'
   I took a deep breath.
   'The sixth spleeps sics sleeks sick.'
   Arnold laughed like a drain. I don't think he'd come across anything quite so funny in his life. I smiled.
   'Do it again!' he urged.
   'No thanks.^[4] How do I stop this footnoterphone blabbering inside my skull?'
   'Just think "off" very strongly.'
   I did, and the footnoterphone stopped.
   'Better?'
   I nodded.
   'You'll get the hang of it.'
   He thought for a minute, looked up and down the lake in an overtly innocent manner, and then said:
   'Do you want to buy some verbs? Not any of your rubbish, either. Good, strong, healthy regulars — straight from the Text Sea — I have a friend on a scrawltrawler.'
   I smiled.
   'I don't think so, Arnold — and I don't think you should ask me — I'm Jurisfiction.'
   'Oh,' said Arnold, looking pale all of a sudden. He bit his lip and gave such an imploring look that I almost laughed.
   'Don't sweat,' I told him, 'I won't report it.'
   He sighed a deep sigh of relief, muttered his thanks, remounted his motorbike and drove off in a jerky fashion, narrowly missing the mail boxes at the top of the track.
 
   The interior of the flying boat was lighter and more airy than I had imagined but it smelt a bit musty. Mary was mistaken; she had not been halfway through the craft's conversion — it was more like one tenth. The walls were half panelled with pine tongue-and-groove, and rock wool insulation stuck out untidily along with unused electrical cables. There was room for two floors within the boat's cavernous hull, the downstairs a large open-plan living room with a couple of old sofas pointing towards a television set. I tried to switch it on but it was dead — there was no TV in the BookWorld unless called for in the narrative. Much of what I could see around me was merely props, necessary for the chapter in which Jack Spratt visits the Sunderland to discuss the case. On the mantelpiece above a small wood-burning stove were pictures of Mary from her days at the police training college, and another from when she was promoted to detective sergeant.
   I opened a door that led into a small kitchenette. Attached to the fridge was the précis of Caversham Heights. I flicked through it. The sequence of events was pretty much as I remembered from my first reading in the Well, although it seemed that Mary had overstated her role in some of the puzzle-solving areas. I put the précis down, found a bowl and filled it with water for Pickwick, took her egg from my bag and laid it on the sofa, where she quickly set about turning it over and tapping it gently with her beak. I went forward and discovered a bedroom where the nose turret would have been, and climbed a narrow aluminium ladder to the flight deck directly above. This was the best view in the house, the large greenhouse-like perspex windows affording a good view of the lake. The massive control wheels were set in front of two comfortable chairs, and facing them and ahead of a tangled mass of engine control levers was a complex panel of broken and faded instruments. To my right I could see the one remaining engine looking forlorn, the propeller blades streaked with bird droppings.
   Behind the pilots' seats, where the flight engineer would have sat, there was a desk with reading lamp, footnoterphone and typewriter. On the bookshelf were mainly magazines of a police nature and lots of forensic textbooks. I walked through a narrow doorway and found a pleasant bedroom. The headroom was not over-generous but it was cosy and dry and was panelled in pine with a porthole above the double bed. Behind the bedroom was a storeroom, a hot-water boiler, stacks of wood and a spiral staircase. I was just about to go downstairs when I heard someone speak from the living room below.
   'What do you think that is?'
   The voice had an empty ring to it and was neuter in its inflection — I couldn't tell whether it was male or female.
   I stopped and instinctively pulled my automatic from my shoulder holster. Mary lived alone — or so it had said in the book. As I moved slowly downstairs I heard another voice answer the first:
   'I think it's a bird of some sort.'
   The second voice was no more distinctive than the first; indeed, if the second voice had not been answering the first, I might have thought they belonged to the same person.
   As I descended the staircase I saw two figures standing in the middle of the room staring at Pickwick, who stared back, courageously protecting her egg from behind the sofa.
   'Hey!' I said, pointing my gun in their direction. 'Hold it right there!'
   The two figures looked up and stared at me without expression from features that were as insipid and muted as their voices. Because of their equal blandness it was impossible to tell them apart. Their arms hung limply by their sides, exhibiting no body language. They might have been angry, or curious, or worried, or elated — but I couldn't tell.
   'Who are you?' I asked.
   'We are nobody,' replied the one on the left.
   'Everyone is someone,' I replied.
   'Not altogether correct,' said the one on the right. 'We have a code number but nothing more. I am TSI-I4O49I2-A and this is TSI-I4049I2-C.'
   'What happened to -B?'
   'Taken by a grammasite last Tuesday.'
   I lowered my gun. Miss Havisham had told me about Generics. They were created here in the Well to populate the books that were to be written. At the point of creation they were simply a human canvas without paint — blank like a coin, ready to be stamped with individualism. They had no history, no conflicts, no foibles — nothing that might make them either readable or interesting in any way. It was up to various institutions to teach them to be useful members of fiction. They were graded, too. A to D, one through ten. Any that were D-graded were like worker bees in crowds and busy streets. Small speaking parts were C-grades; B-grades usually made up the bulk of featured but not leading characters. These parts usually — but not always — went to the A-grades, hand picked for their skills at character projection and multi-dimensionality. Huckleberry Finn, Tess and Anna Karenina were all A-grades, but then so were Mr Hyde, Hannibal Lecter and Professor Moriarty. I looked at the ungraded Generics again. Murderers or heroes? It was impossible to tell how they would turn out. Still, at this stage of their development they would be harmless. I reholstered my automatic.
   'You're Generics, right?'
   'Indeed,' they said in unison.
   'What are you doing here?'
   'You remember the craze for minimalism?' asked the one on the right.
   'Yes?' I replied, moving closer to stare at their blank faces curiously. There was a lot about the Well that I was going to have to get used to. They were harmless enough — but decidedly creepy. Pickwick was still hiding behind the sofa.
   'It was caused by the 1982 character shortage,' said the one on the left. 'Vikram Seth is planning a large book in the next few years and I don't think the Well wants to be caught out again — we're being manufactured and then sent to stay in unpublished novels until we are called into service.'
   'Sort of stockpiled, you mean?'
   'I'd prefer the word billeted,' replied the one on the left, the slight indignation indicating that it wouldn't be without a personality for ever.
   'How long have you been here?'
   'Two months,' replied the one on the right. 'We are awaiting placement at St Tabularasa's Generic College for basic character training. I live in the spare bedroom in the tail.'
   'So do I,' added the one on the left. 'Likewise.'
   I paused for a moment.
   'O-kay,' I began. 'Since we all have to live together I had better give you names. You,' I said, pointing a finger at the one on the right, are henceforth called ibb. You,' I added, pointing to the other, 'are now called obb.'
   I pointed at them again in case they missed it as they made no sign of either comprehending what I'd said or even hearing it.
   'You are ibb, and you are obb.'
   I paused. Something didn't sound right about their names but I couldn't place it.
   'ibb,' I said to myself, then: 'obb. ibb. ibb-obb. Does that sound odd to you?'
   'No capitals,' said obb. 'We don't get capitalised until we start school — we didn't expect names so soon, either. Can we keep them?'
   'A gift from me,' I told them.
   'I am ibb,' said the other one, as if to make the point.
   'And I am obb,' said obb.
   'And I'm Thursday,' I told them, offering my hand. They shook it in turn slowly and without emotion. I could see that this pair weren't going to be a huge bundle of fun.
   'And that's Pickwick.'
   They looked at Pickwick, who plocked quietly, came out from behind the sofa, settled herself on her egg and pretended to go to sleep.
   'Well,' I announced, clapping my hands together, 'does anyone know how to cook? I'm not very good at it and if you don't want to eat beans on toast for the next year, you had better start to learn. I'm standing in for Mary, and if you don't get in my way I won't get in yours. I go to bed late and wake up early. I have a husband who doesn't exist and I'm going to have a baby later this year so might get a little cranky — and overweight. Any questions?'
   'Yes,' said the one on the left. 'Which one of us is obb, did you say?'
 
   I unpacked my few things in the small room behind the flight deck. I had sketched a picture of Landen from memory and I placed it on the bedside table, staring at it for a moment. I missed him dreadfully and wondered, for the umpteenth time, whether perhaps I shouldn't be here hiding, but out there, in my own world, trying to get him back. Trouble was, I'd tried that and made a complete pig's ear of it — if it hadn't have been for Miss Havisham's timely rescue I would still be locked up in a Goliath vault somewhere. With our child growing within me I had decided that flight was not a coward's option but a sensible one — I would stay here until the baby was born. I could then plan my return, and following that, Landen's.
   I went downstairs and explained to obb the rudiments of cooking, which were as alien to it as having a name. Fortunately I found an old copy of Mrs Beeton's Complete Housekeeper, which I told obb to study, half jokingly, as research. Three hours later it had roasted a perfect leg of lamb with all the trimmings. I had discovered one thing about Generics already: dull and uninteresting they may be — but they learn fast.

2
Inside Caversham Heights

   'Book/YGIO/1204961/: Title:Caversham Heights. UK, 1976, 90,000 words. Genre: Detective Fiction. Book Operating System: BOOK V7.2. Grammasite infestation: 1 (one) nesting pair of Parenthiums (protected). Plot: Routine detective thriller with stereotypical detective Jack Spratt. Set in Reading (England), the plot (such as it is) revolves around a drugs czar hoping to muscle in on Reading's seedy underworld. Routine and unremarkable, Caversham Heights represents all the worst aspects of amateur writing. Flat characters, unconvincing police work and a pace so slow that snails pass it in the night. Recommendation: Unpublishable. Suggest book be broken up for salvage at soonest available opportunity. Current status: Awaiting Council of Genre's Book Inspectorate's report before ordering demolition.'

Library Sub-Basement Gazetteer 1982, Volume CLXI

 
   I explained the rudiments of breakfast to ibb and obb the following morning. I told them that cereal traditionally came before the bacon and eggs but that toast and coffee had no fixed place within the meal; they had problems with the fact that marmalade was almost exclusively the preserve of breakfast and I was just trying to explain the technical possibilities of dippy egg fingers when a copy of The Toad dropped on the mat. The only news story was about some sort of drug-related gang warfare in Reading. It was part of the plot in Caversham Heights and reminded me that sooner or later — and quite possibly sooner — I would be expected to take on the mantle of Mary as part of the Character Exchange Programme. I had another careful read of the précis, which gave me a good idea of the plot chapter by chapter, but no precise dialogue or indication as to what I should be doing, or when. I didn't have to wonder very long as a knock at the door revealed a very agitated man holding a clipboard.
   'Miss Next?'
   'Yes?'
   'The name's Wyatt.'
   'What?'
   'No, not Watt, Wyatt — W-Y-A-T-T.'
   'What can I do for you?'
   'You can get your arse into Reading, that's what you can do.'
   'Steady on—'
   'I don't know why people in the Character Exchange Programme think they can treat it like a holiday,' he added, clearly annoyed. 'Just because we've had a demolition order hanging over us for the past ten years, you think you can all muck about.'
   'I assure you I thought no such thing,' I replied, attempting to pacify the minor character who had taken it upon himself to keep me in check. From my reading of the book I knew that he featured as nothing more than a voice on the end of a telephone.
   'I'll be on to it straight away,' I told him, fetching my coat and heading for Mary's car. 'Do you have an address for me?'
   He handed over a scrap of paper and reminded me I was late.
   'And no ad-libbing,' he added as an afterthought. I promised I wouldn't and trotted up the lane towards Mary's car.
   I drove off slowly into Reading, across the M4, which seemed as busy as it was back home; I used the same road myself when travelling between Swindon and London. It was only when I was approaching the junction at the top of Burghfield Road that I realised there were, at most, only a half-dozen or so different vehicles on the roads. The vehicle that first drew my attention to this strange phenomenon was a large white truck with Dr Spongg's Footcare Products painted on the side. I saw three in under a minute, all with an identical driver dressed in a blue boiler suit and flat cap. The next most obvious vehicle was a red VW Beetle driven by a young lady, then a battered blue Morris Marina with an elderly man at the wheel. By the time I had drawn up outside the scene of Caversham Heights' first murder, I had counted forty-three white trucks, twenty-two red Beetles and sixteen identically battered Morris Marinas, not to mention several green Ford Escorts and a brace of white Chevrolets. It was obviously a limitation within the text and nothing more, so I hurriedly parked, read Mary's notes again to make sure I knew what I had to do, took a deep breath and walked across to the area that had been taped off. A few uniformed police officers were milling around. I showed my warrant card and ducked under the 'Police: do not cross' tape.
   The yard was oblong shaped, fifteen foot wide and about twenty foot long, surrounded by a high red brick wall with crumbling mortar. There was a large white SOCO tent over the scene and a forensic pathologist was kneeling next to a well-described corpse dictating notes into a tape recorder.
   'Hello!' said a jovial voice close by. I turned to see a large man in a macintosh grinning at me.
   'Detective Sergeant Mary,' I told him obediently. 'Transferred here from Basingstoke.'
   'You don't have to worry about all that yet.' He smiled. 'The story is with Jack at the moment — he's meeting Officer Tibbit on the street outside. My name's DCI Briggs and I'm your friendly yet long-suffering boss in this little caper. Crusty and prone to outbursts of temper yet secretly supportive, I will have to suspend Jack at least once before the story is over.'
   'How do you do?' I spluttered.
   'Excellent!' cried Briggs, shaking my hand gratefully. 'Mary told me you're with Jurisfiction. Is that true?'
   'Yes.'
   'Any news about when the Council of Genres Book Inspectorate will be in?' he asked. 'It would be a help to know.'
   'Council of Genres?' I echoed, trying not to let my ignorance show. 'I'm sorry, I've not spent that much time in the BookWorld.'
   'An Outlander?' replied Briggs, eyes wide in wonderment. 'Here, in Caversham Heights'?'
   'Yes,' I admitted, 'I'm—'
   'Tell me,' interrupted Briggs, 'what do waves look like when they crash on the shore?'
   'Who's an Outlander?' echoed the pathologist, a middle-aged Indian woman who suddenly leaped to her feet and stared at me intently. 'You?'
   'Y-es,' I admitted.
   'I'm Dr Singh,' explained the pathologist, shaking my hand vigorously. 'I'm matter-of-fact, apparently without humour, like cats and people who like cats, don't suffer fools, yet on occasion I do exhibit a certain warmth. Tell me, do you think I'm anything like a real pathologist?'
   'Of course,' I answered, trying to think of her brief appearances in the book.
   'You see,' she went on, 'I've never seen a real pathologist and I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do.'
   'You're doing fine,' I assured her.
   'What about me?' asked Briggs. 'Do you think I need to develop more as a character? Am I like all those real people you rub shoulders with, or am I a bit one-dimensional?'
   'Well—' I began.
   'I knew it!' he cried unhappily. 'It's the hair, isn't it? Do you think it should be shorter? Longer? What about having a bizarre character trait? I've been learning the trombone — that would be unusual, yes?'
   'Someone said there was an Outlander in the book—!' interrupted a uniformed officer, one of a pair who had just walked into the yard. 'I'm Unnamed Police Officer #1, this is my colleague, Unnamed Police Officer #2. Can I ask a question about the Outland?'
   'Sure.'
   'What's the point of alphabet soup?'
   'I don't know.'
   'Are you sure you're from the Outland?' he asked suspiciously, adding 'Then tell me this: why is there no singular for scampi?
   'I'm not sure.'
   'You're not from the Outland,' said Unnamed Police Officer #1 sadly. 'You should be ashamed of yourself, lying and raising our hopes like that!'
   'Very well,' I replied, covering my eyes. 'I'll prove it to you. Speak to me in turn but leave off your speech designators.'
   'Okay,' said Unnamed Police Officer #1, 'who is this talking?'
   'And who is this?' added Dr Singh.
   'I said leave off your speech designators. Try again.'
   'It's harder than you think,' sighed Unnamed Police Officer #1. 'Okay, here goes.'
   There was a pause.
   'Which one of us is talking now?'
   'And who am I?'
   'Mrs Singh first, Unnamed Police Officer #1 second. Was I correct?'
   'Amazing!' murmured Mrs Singh. 'How do you do that?'
   'I can recognise your voices. I have a sense of smell, too.'
   'No kidding? Do you know anyone in publishing?'
   'None who would help. My husband is, or was, an author, but his contacts wouldn't know me from Eve at present. I'm a SpecOps officer; I don't have much to do with contemporary fiction.'
   'SpecOps?' queried UPO #2. 'What's that?'
   'We're going to be scrapped, you know,' interrupted Briggs, 'unless we can get a publisher.'
   'We could be broken down into letters,' added UPO #1 in a hushed tone, 'cast into the Text Sea; and I have a wife and two kids — or at least, in my backstory I do.'
   'I can't help you,' I told them, I'm not even—'
   'Places, please!' yelled Briggs so suddenly I jumped.
   The pathologist and the two unnamed officers hurried back to their places and awaited Jack, who I could hear talking to someone in the house.
   'Good luck,' hissed Briggs from the side of his mouth as he motioned me to sit on a low wall. 'I'll prompt you if you dry.'
   'Thanks.'
 
   DCI Briggs was sitting on a low wall with a plainclothes policewoman who busied herself taking notes and did not look up. Briggs stood as Jack entered and looked at his watch in an unsubtle way. Jack answered the unasked question in the defensive, which he soon realised was a mistake
   'I'm sorry, sir, I came here as quick as I could.'
   Briggs grunted and waved a hand in the direction of the corpse.
   'It looks like he died from gunshot wounds,' he said grimly, 'discovered dead at 8.47 this morning.'
   'Anything else I need to know?' asked Spratt.
   'A couple of points. First, the deceased is the nephew of crime boss Angel DeFablio, so I wanted someone good with the press in case the media decide to have a bonanza. Second, I'm giving you this job as a favour. You're not exactly first seed with the seventh floor at the moment. There are some people who want to see you take a fall — and I don't want that to happen.'
   'Is there a third point?'
   'No one else is available.'
   'I preferred it when there were only two.'
   'Listen, Jack,' went on Briggs, 'you're a good officer if a little , sprung loaded at times and I want you on my team without any mishaps.'
   'Is this where I say thank you?'
   'You do. Mop it up nice and neat and give me an initial report as soon as you can. Okay?'
   Briggs nodded in the direction of the young lady who had been waiting patiently.
   'Jack, I want you to meet Thurs — I mean, DS Mary Jones.'
   'Hello,' said Jack.
   'Pleased to meet you, sir,' said the young woman.
   'And you. Who are you working with?'
   'Next — I mean Jones is your new Detective Sergeant,' said Briggs beginning to sweat for some inexplicable reason. 'Transferred with an Al record from Swindon.'
   'Basingstoke,' corrected Mary.
   'Sorry. Basingstoke.'
   'No offence to DS Jones, sir, but I was hoping for Butcher, Spooner or—'
   'Not possible, Jack,' said Briggs in the tone of voice that made arguing useless. 'Well, I'm off. I'll leave you here with, er—'
   'Jones.'
   'Yes, Jones, so you can get acquainted. Remember: I need that report as soon as possible. Got it?'
   Jack did indeed get it and Briggs departed.
   He shivered in the cold and looked at the young DS again.
   'Mary Jones, eh?'
   'Yes, sir.'
   'What have you found out so far?'
   She dug in her pocket for a notebook, couldn't find it so counted the points off on her fingers instead.
   'Deceased's name is Sonny DeFablio.'
   There was a pause. Jack didn't say anything so Jones, now slightly startled, continued as though he had.
   'Time of death? Too early to tell. Probably 3 a.m. last night, give or take an hour. We'll know more when we get the corpse. Gun? We'll know when…'
   '… Jack, are you okay?'
   He had sat down wearily and was staring at the ground, head in hands.
   I looked around but Dr Singh, her assistants and the unnamed officers were busily getting on with their parts, unwilling, it seemed, to get embroiled — or perhaps they were just embarrassed.
   'I can't do this any more,' muttered Jack.
   'Sir,' I persisted, trying to ad-lib, 'do you want to see the body or can we remove it?'
   'What's the use?' sobbed the crushed protagonist. 'No one is reading us; it doesn't matter.'
   I placed my hand on his shoulder.
   'I've tried to make it more interesting,' he sobbed, 'but nothing seems to work. My wife won't speak to me, my job's on the line, drugs are flooding into Reading, and if I don't make the narrative even remotely readable then we all get demolished and there's nothing left at all except an empty hole on the bookshelf and the memory of a might-have-been in the head of the author.'
   'Your wife only left you because all loner maverick detectives have domestic problems,' I explained. 'I'm sure she loves you really.'
   'No, no, she doesn't,' he sobbed again. 'All is lost. Don't you see? It's customary for detectives to drive unusual cars and I had a wonderful 1924 Delage-Talbot Supersport. The idea was stolen and replaced with that dreadful Austin Allegro. If any scenes get deleted, we'll really be stuffed.'
   He looked up at me.
   'What's your name?'
   'Thursday Next.'
   He perked up suddenly.
   'Thursday Next? The Outlander Jurisfiction agent apprenticed to Miss Havisham Thursday Next?'
   I nodded. News travels fast in the Well.
   An excited gleam came into his eye.
   'I read about you in The Word. Tell me, would you have any way of finding out when the Book Inspectorate are due to read our story? I've lined up seven three-dimensional B-2 freelancers to come in and give the book a bit of an edge — just for an hour or so. With their help we might be able to hang on to it; all I need to know is the when.'
   'I'm sorry, Mr Spratt.' I sighed. 'I'm new to all this; what exactly is the Council of Genres?'
   'They look after fictional legislature,' he replied. 'Dramatic conventions, mainly. A representative from every genre sits on the council — it is they who decide the conventions of storytelling and it is they — through the Book Inspectorate — who decide whether an unpublished book is to be kept — or demolished.'
   'Oh,' I replied, realising that the BookWorld was governed by almost as many rules and regulations as my own, 'then I can't help you.'
   'What about Text Grand Central? Do you know anyone there?'
   TGC I had heard of: they monitored the books in the Great Library and passed any textual problems on to us at Jurisfiction, who were purely a policing agency — but I knew no more than that. I shook my head again.
   'Blast!' he muttered, staring at the ground. 'I've applied to the C of G for a cross-genre makeover but you might as well try and speak to the Great Panjandrum himself.'
   'Why don't you change the book from within?' I asked.
   'Change without permission?' he replied, shocked at my suggestion. 'That would mean rebellion. I want to get the C of G's attention but not like that — we'd be crushed in less than a chapter!'
   'But if the inspectorate haven't been round yet,' I said slowly, 'then how would they even know anything had changed?'
   He thought about this for a moment.
   'Easier said than done — if I start to fool with the narrative it might all collapse like a pack of cards!'
   'Then start small,' I proposed, 'change yourself first. If that works, you can try to bend the plot slightly.'
   'Y-esss,' said Jack slowly. 'What did you have in mind?'
   'Give up the booze.'
   'How did you know about my drink problem?'
   'All maverick loner detectives with domestic strife have drink problems,' I commented. 'Give up the liquor and go home to your wife.'
   'That's not how I've been written,' replied Jack slowly. 'I just can't do it — it would be going against type — the readers—!'
   'Jack, there are no readers. And if you don't at least try what I suggest, there never will be any readers — or any Jack Spratt. But if things go well, you might even be in … a sequel.'
   'A sequel?' repeated Jack with a sort of dreamy look in his eyes. 'You mean — a Jack Spratt series?
   'Who knows,' I added, 'maybe even one day a boxed set.'
   His eyes gleamed and he stood up.
   'A boxed set,' he whispered, staring into the middle distance. 'It's up to me, isn't it?' he added in a slow voice.
   'Yes. Change yourself, change the book — and soon, before it's too late, make the novel into something the Book Inspectorate will want to read.'
   'Okay,' he said at last, 'beginning with the next chapter. Instead of arguing with Briggs about letting a suspect go without charging them, I'll take my ex-wife out to lunch.'
   'No.'
   'No?'
   'No,' I affirmed. 'Not tomorrow or next chapter or even next page or paragraph — you're going to change now.'
   'We can't!' he protested. 'There are at least nine more pages while you and I discuss the state of the body with Dr Singh and go through all that boring forensic stuff.'
   'Leave it to me,' I told him. 'We'll jump back a paragraph or two. Ready?'