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underfoot. Drawing level with Ivan Yakovlevich, the office worker stole a
glance at Ivan Yakovlevich's trousers and stopped in his tracks. Ivan
Yakovlevich stopped as well. The office worker looked at Ivan Yakovlevich,
as did Ivan Yakovlevich at the office worker.
-- Excuse me -- said the office worker -- you couldn't tell me how to
get to the... national... exchange?
-- To get there you'll have to go along this footpath ... along this
footbridge... no, I mean, you'll have to go this way and then that way --
said Ivan Yakovlevich.
The office worker said thank you and quickly walked away, and Ivan
Yakovlevich took a few steps forward but, seeing that now towards him came
not a male office worker but a female one, he lowered his head and ran
across to the other side of the street. Ivan Yakovlevich arrived at the
office with some delay and very bad tempered. Ivan Yakovlevich's colleagues
naturally focused their attention on the green trousers with legs of varying
hue but, evidently guessing that this was the cause of his ball temper, they
did not trouble him with questions. Ivan Yakovlevich underwent torture for
two weeks wearing his green trousers, until one of his colleagues, one
Apollon Maksimovich Shilov, suggested to Ivan Yakovlevich that he should buy
a pair of striped trousers from Apollon Maksimovich himself which were
ostensibly surplus to Apollon Maksimovich's requirements.
1934-37
--------
Aleksey Alekseyevich Alekseyev was a real knight. So, for example, on
one occasion, catching sight from a tram of a lady stumbling against a
kerbstone and dropping from her bag a glass lampshade for a table-lamp,
which promptly smashed, Aleksey Alekseyevich, desiring to help the lady,
decided to sacrifice himself and, leaping from the tram at full speed, fell
and split open the whole of his phizog on a stone. Another time, seeing a
lady who was climbing over a fence catch her skirt on a nail and get stuck
there, so that she could move neither backward nor forward, Aleksey
Alekseyevich began to get so agitated that, in his agitation, he broke two
front teeth with his tongue. In a word, Aleksey Alekseyevich was really the
most chivalrous knight, and not only in relation to ladies. With
unprecedented ease, Aleksey Alekseyevich could sacrifice his life for his
Faith, Tsar and Motherland, as he proved in the year '14, at the start of
the German war, by throwing himself, with the cry 'For the Motherland!', on
to the street from a second-floor window. By some miracle, Aleksey
Alekseyevich remained alive, getting off with only light injuries, and was
quickly, as such an uncommonly zealous patriot, dispatched to the front.
At the front, Aleksey Alekseyevich distinguished himself with his
unprecedentedly elevated feelings and every time he pronounced the words
'banner', 'fanfare', or even just 'epaulettes', down his face there would
trickle a tear of emotion.
In the year '16, Aleksey Alekseyevich was wounded in the loins and
withdrew from the front.
As a first-category invalid, Aleksey Alekseyevich had no longer to
serve and, profiting from the time on his hands, committed his patriotic
feelings to paper.
Once, chatting to Konstantin Lebedev, Aleksey Alekseyevich came out
with his favourite utterance -- I have suffered for the motherland and
wrecked my loins, but I exist by the strength of conviction in my posterior
subconscious.
-- And you're a fool! -- said Konstantin Lebedev. -- The highest
service to the motherland is rendered only by a Liberal.
For some reason, these words became deeply imprinted on the mind of
Aleksey Alekseyevich and so, in the year '17, he was already calling himself
a liberal whose loins had suffered for his native land.
Aleksey Alekseyevich greeted the Revolution with delight,
notwithstanding even the fact that he was deprived of his pension. For a
certain time Konstantin Lebedev supplied him with cane-sugar, chocolate,
preserved suet and millet groats. But when Konstantin Lebedev suddenly went
missing no one knew where, Aleksey Alekseyevich had to take to the streets
and ask for charity. At first, Aleksey Alekseyevich would extend his hand
and say: -- Give charity, for Christ's sake, to him whose loins have
suffered for the motherland. -- But this brought no success. Then Aleksey
Alekseyevich changed the word 'motherland' to the word 'revolution'. But
this too brought no success. Then Aleksey Alekseyevich composed a
revolutionary song, and, if he saw on the street a person capable, in
Aleksey Alekseyevich's opinion, of giving alms, he would take a step forward
and proudly, with dignity, threw back his head and start singing:
To the barricades
We will all zoom!
For freedom
We will ourselves all maim and doom!
And, jauntily tapping his heels in the Polish manner, Aleksey
Alekseyevich would extend his hat and say -- Alms, please, for Christ's
sake. -- This did help and Aleksey Alekseyevich rarely remained without
food.
Everything was going well, but then, in the year '22, Aleksey
Alekseyevich got to know a certain Ivan Ivanovich Puzyryov, who dealt in
Sunflower oil in the Haymarket. Puzyryov invited Aleksey Alekseyevich to a
cafe, treated him to real coffee and, himself chomping fancy cakes,
expounded to him some sort of complicated enterprise of which Aleksey
Alekseyevich understood only that he had to do something, in return for
which he would receive from Puzyryov the most costly items of nutrition.
Aleksey Alekseyevich agreed and Puzyryov, on the spot, as an incentive,
passed him under the table two caddies of tea and a packet of Rajah
cigarettes.
After this, Aleksey Alekseyevich came to see Puzyryov every morning at
the market, and picking up from him some sort of papers with crooked
signatures and numerous seals, took a sleigh, if it were winter and if it
were summer a cart, and set off as instructed by Puzyryov, to do the rounds
of various establishments where, producing the papers, he would receive some
sort of boxes, which he would load on to his sleigh or cart, and in the
evening take them to Puzyryov at his flat. But once, when Aleksey
Alekseyevich had just rolled up in his sleigh at Puzyryov's flat, two men
came up to him, one of whom was in a military great-coat, and asked him: --
Is your name Alekseyev? -- Then Aleksey Alekseyevich was put into an
automobile and taken away to prison.
At the interrogation, Aleksey Alekseyevich understood not a thing and
just kept saying that he had suffered for his revolutionary motherland. But,
despite this, he was sentenced to ten years of exile in his motherland's
northern parts. Having got back in the year '28 to Leningrad, Aleksey
Alekseyevich began to ply his previous trade and, standing up on the corner
of Volodarskiy, tossed back his head with dignity, tapped his heel and sang
out:
To the barricades
We will all zoom!
For freedom
We will ourselves all maim and doom!
But he did not even manage to sing it through twice before he was taken
away in a covered vehicle to somewhere in the direction of the Admiralty.
His feet never touched the ground.
And there we have a short narrative of the life of the valiant knight
and patriot, Aleksey Alekseyevich Alekseyev.
1934-36
--------
Abram Demyanovich Pentopasov cried out loudly and pressed a
handkerchief to his eyes. But it was too late. Ash and soft dust had gummed
up Abram Demyanovich's eyes. From then on Abram Demyanovich's eyes began to
hurt, they were gradually covered over with repulsive scabs, and Abram
Demyanovich went blind.
As a blind invalid, Abram Demyanovich was given the push from his job
and accorded a wretched pittance of thirty-six roubles a month.
Quite clearly this sum was insufficient for Abram Demyanovich to live
on. A kilo of bread cost a rouble and ten kopecks, and a leek cost
forty-eight kopecks at the market.
And so the industrial invalid began more and more to concentrate his
attention on rubbish bins.
It was difficult for a blind man to find the edible scraps among all
the peelings and filth.
Even finding the rubbish itself in someone else's yard is not easy. you
can't see it with your eyes, and to ask -- Whereabouts here is your rubbish
bin? -- is somehow a bit awkward.
The only way left is to sniff it out.
Some rubbish bins reek so much you can smell them a mile away, but
others with lids are absolutely impossible to detect.
It's all right if you happen upon a kindly caretaker, but the other
sort would so put the wind up you that you'd lose your appetite.
Once Abram Demyanovich climbed into someone's rubbish bin and when he
was in there a rat bit him, and he climbed straight back out again. So that
day he didn't eat anything. But then one morning something jumped out of
Abram Demyanovich's right eye.
Abram Demyanovich rubbed the eye and suddenly saw daylight. And then
something jumped out of his left eye, too, and Abram Demyanovich saw the
light.
From that day on it was all downhill for Abram Demyanovich.
Everywhere Abram Demyanovich was in great demand.
In the People's Committee for Heavy Industry office Abram Demyanovich
was a minor sensation.
And so Abram Demyanovich became a great man.
1935
--------
Once Antonina Alekseyevna struck her husband with her office stamp and
imprinted his forehead with stamp-pad ink.
The mortally offended Pyotr Leonidovich, Antonina Alekseyevna's
husband, locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn't let anyone in.
However, the residents of the communal flat, having a strong need to
get in to where Pyotr Leonidovich was sitting, decided to break down the
locked door by force.
Seeing that the game was up, Pyotr Leonidovich came out of the bathroom
and, going back into his own flat, lay down on the bed.
But Antonina Alekseyevna decided to persecute her husband to the limit.
She tore up little bits of paper and showered them on to Pyotr Leonidovich
who was lying on the bed.
The infuriated Pyotr Leonidovich leaped out into the corridor and set
about tearing the wallpaper.
At this point all the residents ran out and, seeing what the hapless
Pyotr Leonidovich was doing, they threw themselves on to him and ripped the
waistcoat that he was wearing.
Pyotr Leonidovich ran off to the porter's office.
During this time, Antonina Alekseyevna had stripped naked and had
hidden in the trunk.
Ten minutes later Pyotr Leonidovich returned, followed by the house
manager.
Not finding his wife in the room, Pyotr Leonidovich with the house
manager decided to take advantage of the empty premises in order to down
some vodka. Pyotr Leonidovich undertook to run off to the corner for the
said beverage.
When Pyotr Leonidovich had gone out, Antonina Alekseyevna climbed out
of the trunk and appeared before the house manager in a state of nakedness.
The shaken house manager leaped from his chair and rushed up to the
window, but, seeing the muscular build of the young twenty-six-year-old
woman, he suddenly gave way to wild rapture.
At this point Pyotr Leonidovich returned witty a litre of vodka.
Catching sight of what was afoot in his room, Pyotr Leonidovich knitted
his brows.
But his spouse Antonina Alekseyevna showed him her office stamp and
Pyotr Leonidovich calmed down.
Antonina Alekseyevna expressed a desire to participate in the drinking
session, but strictly on condition that she maintain her naked state and, to
boot, that she sit on the table on which it was proposed to set out the
snacks to accompany the vodka. The men sat down on chairs, Antonina
Alekseyevna sat on the table and the drinking commenced.
It cannot be called hygienic if a naked young woman is sitting on the
very table at which people are eating. Moreover Antonina Alekseyevna was a
woman of a rather plump build and not all that particular about her bodily
cleanliness, so it was a pretty devilish state of affairs.
Soon, however, they had all drunk themselves into a stupor and fallen
asleep: the men on the floor and Antonina Alekseyevna on the table.
And silence was established in the communal flat.
1935
--------
A certain engineer has made up his mind to build a huge brick wall
across Petersburg. He considers how to accomplish this, doesn't sleep for
nights cogitating it. Gradually a group of engineering planners is formed
and a plan for the construction of the wall is elaborated. It was decided to
build the wall at night, indeed, to build the whole thing in one night, so
that it would appear as a surprise to everyone. Workers are summoned. The
organisation is under way. The city authorities are sidelined and finally
the night arrives when this wall is to be built. The building of the wall is
known only to four men. The workers and engineers receive exact instructions
as to whom to place where and what to do. Thanks to exact calculation, they
succeed in putting up the wall in a single night. On the following day there
is consternation in Petersburg. And the inventor of the wall is himself
dejected. To what use this wall was to be put, he himself did not know.
1935
--------
There once was a man whose name was Kuznetsov. He left his house to go
to a shop to buy some carpenter's glue so as to stick a stool.
When Kuznetsov was walking past an unfinished house, a brick fell off
the top and hit Kuznetsov on the head.
Kuznetsov fell, but straight away jumped to his feet and felt over his
head. On Kuznetsov's head a huge lump had come up.
Kuznetsov gave the lump a rub and said: -- I, citizen Kuznetsov, left
the house to go to the shop to... to... to... Oh, what on earth's happened?
I've forgotten why I was going to the shop!
At this point a second brick fell off the roof and again Kuznetsov was
struck on the head.
-- Akh! -- cried Kuznetsov, clutching at his head and feeling a second
lump on his head.
-- A likely story! -- said Kuznetsov. -- I, citizen Kuznetsov, left the
house to go to... to go to... to go to... where was I going!
Then a third brick fell from the top on to Kuznetsov's head. And on
Kuznetsov's head a third lump came up. -- Oh heck! -- yelled out Kuznetsov,
snatching at his head. -- I, citizen Kuznetsov, left the... left the... Left
the cellar? No. Left the boozer? Nol Where did I leave?
A fourth brick fell from the roof, hit Kuznetsov on the back of the
head and a fourth lump came up on Kuznetsov.
-- Well, now then! -- said Kuznetsov, scratching the back of his head.
-- I... I... I... Who am I ? I seem to have forgotten what my name is ... A
likely story! Whatever's my name? Vasily Petukhov? No. Nikolay Sapogov? No.
Panteley Rysakov? No. Well, who the hell am I?
But then a fifth brick fell off the roof and so struck Kuznetsov on the
back of the head that Kuznetsov forgot everything once and for all and,
crying 'Oh, oh, oh!', ran off down the street.
If you wouldn't mind! If anyone should meet a man in the street with
five lumps on his head, please remind him that his name is Kuznetsov and
that he has to buy some carpenter's glue and repair a broken stool.
1935
--------
Natasha had two sweets. Then she ate one of the sweets and one sweet
remained. Natasha placed the sweet on the table in front of her and started
crying.
Suddenly she has a look and on the table in front of her there lie two
sweets again.
Natasha ate one sweet and again started crying.
Natasha cries and keeps one eye on the table to see whether a second
sweet will appear. But a second sweet did not appear.
Natasha stopped crying and started to sing. she sang and sang away, and
suddenly died.
Natasha's Dad arrived, took Natasha and carried her to the house
manager.
-- Here -- says Natasha's Dad -- will you witness the death?
The house manager blew on his stamp and applied it to Natasha's
forehead.
-- Thank you -- said Natasha's Dad and carried Natasha off to the
cemetery.
But at the cemetery was the watchman Matvei; he always sat by the gate
and didn't let anyone into the cemetery, so that the dead had to be buried
right on the street.
Dad buried Natasha on the street, removed his cap, placed it on the
spot where he had interred Natasha and went off home.
He arrived home and Natasha was already sitting there. How come? It's
very simple: she climbed out from under the earth and ran back home.
What a thing! Dad was so taken aback that he collapsed and died.
Natasha called the house manager, saying to him: -- Will you witness a
death?
The house manager blew on his stamp and applied it to a sheet of paper
and then on the same sheet of paper he wrote: 'This certifies that so and so
has actually died.'
Natasha took the piece of paper and carried it off to the cemetery for
burial. But the watchman Matvei tells Natasha: -- I'm not letting you in on
any account.
Natasha says: -- I just want to bury this piece of palmer.
And the watchman says: -- Don't even ask. Natasha interred the piece of
paper on the street, placed her socks on the spot where she had interred the
piece of paper and went off home.
She gets home and Dad is already sitting there at home and is already
playing against himself on a miniature billiard table with little metal
balls.
Natasha was surprised but said nothing and went off to her room to grow
up.
She grew and grew and within four years she had become a grown-up young
lady. But Natasha's Dad had become aged and bent. But they will both
remember how they had taken each other for dead and so they will fall on the
divan and just laugh. Another time they laugh for about twenty minutes.
And their neighbours, as soon as they hear this laughter, immediately
put on their coats and go off to the cinema. And one day they went off like
that and never came back again. Seemingly, they were run over by a car.
1936
--------
Once a certain professor ate something which didn't agree with him and
he began to vomit.
His wife came up to him, saying: -- What is it?
But the professor replied: -- It's nothing. -- His wife retreated
again.
The professor reclined on the divan, had a little lie down, felt rested
and went off to work. At work there was a surprise for him: his salary had
been docked; instead of 650 roubles, he only had 500. The professor ran
hither and thither -- but to no avail. The professor went to the Director,
and the Director threw hills out. The professor went to the accountant, and
the accountant said: -- Apply to the Director. -- The professor got on a
train and went off to Moscow.
On the way he suddenly went down with flu. He arrived in Moscow and
couldn't get out on to the platform.
They put the professor on a stretcher and carried him off to hospital.
The professor lay in hospital no more than four days and then died.
The professor's body was cremated, the ashes were placed in an urn and
sent off to his wife.
So the professor's wife was sitting drinking coffee. Suddenly a ring.
What's that? -- A parcel for you.
The professor's wife was really pleased; smiling all over her face, she
thrust a tip into the postman's hand and was soon unwrapping the parcel. She
looked in the parcel and saw an urn of ashes, with a message: 'Herewith all
that remains of your spouse.'
The professor's wife didn't understand a thing; she shook the urn, held
it up to the light, read the message six times -- finally she worked out
what was afoot and was terribly upset.
The professor's wife was very upset, cried for three hours and then
went off to inter the urn of ashes. She wrapped the urn in a newspaper and
took it to the First Five-Year Plan Garden, formerly the Tavricheskiy.
The professor's wife chose the most out-of-the-way path and was just
intending to bury the urn, when suddenly a watchman came along.
-- Hey! -- shouted the watchman. -- What are you doing here? -- The
professor's wife was frightened and said: -- I just wanted to catch some
frogs in this jar.
-- Well -- said the watchman -- that's all right, only watch it, and
keep off the grass.
When the watchman had gone, the professor's wife buried the urn, trod
the earth down around it and went off for a stroll round the gardens.
In the gardens, she was accosted by some sailor -- Come on, let's go
for a little sleep -- he said.
She replied: -- Why should one sleep in the daytime? -- But he stuck to
his guns: sleep and more sleep.
And the professor's wife really did feel like sleeping.
She walked along the streets and she felt sleepy. People were running
all around her in blue, or in green -- and she just felt sleepy.
So she walked and slept. And she dreamed that Lev Tolstoy was coming
towards her, holding a chamber-pot in his hands. She asked him: -- What's
that, then? -- and he pointed to the chamber-pot, saying: -- Here, I've
really done something and now I'm taking it to show the whole world. Let
everyone see it -- he said.
The professor's wife also had a look and saw that it seemed no longer
to be Tolstoy, but a shed, and in the shed was a hen.
The professor's wife tried to catch the hen, but the hen hid under a
divan, from which it looked out, now in the form of a rabbit.
The professor's wife crawled under the divan after the rabbit and woke
up.
She woke and looked around: she really was lying under a divan.
The professor's wife crawled out from under the divan -- and saw her
own room. And there stood the table with her undrunk coffee. On the table
lay the message -- Herewith all that remains of your spouse.
The professor's wife shed a few more tears and sat down to drink up her
cold coffee.
Suddenly a ring. What's that? Some people walk in and say -- Let's go.
-- Where? -- asked the professor's wife.
-- To the lunatic asylum -- they reply.
The professor's wife began to shout and to dig in her heels, but the
people grabbed her and took her off to the lunatic asylum.
And there, on a bunk in a lunatic asylum, sits a completely normal
professor's wife, holding a fishing rod and fishing on the floor for some
invisible fish or other.
This professor's wife is merely a pitiful example of how many
unfortunates there are in life who do not occupy in life the position that
they ought to occupy.
1936
--------
Masha found a mushroom, picked it and took it to the market. At the
market, Masha was hit about the head, and there were further promises that
she could be hit about the legs as well. Masha took fright and ran off.
Masha ran to the co-operative store and wanted to hide there behind the
cash desk. But the manager caught sight of Mashes and said: -- What's that
you've got in your hands?
And Masha said: -- A mushroom. The manager said: -- Why, you're a fine
one, now! How would you like me to fix you up with a job?
-- Oh, you won't fix me up -- said Masha. -- I'll fix you up here and
now! -- said the manager. And he fixed Masha up with a job, turning the
handle on the cash till.
Masha turned and turned away on the handle on the cash till and
suddenly died. The police arrived, drew up a report, and ordered the manager
to pay a fine of fifteen roubles.
-- What's the fine for? -- asked the manager.
-- For murder -- replied the police.
The manager took fright, hastily paid the fine and said: -- All right,
only take this dead cashier out of here straight away.
At this point the sales assistant from the fruit section said: -- No,
wait a minute, you've got it wrong, she wasn't the cashier. She only turned
the handle on the cash till. That's the cashier sitting there.
-- It's all the same to us -- said the police -- we've been told to
take a cashier out of here, so we'll take one out.
The police started towards the cashier. The cashier thereupon lay down
on the floor behind the cash desk and said: -- I won't go.
-- Why won't you go, you silly woman? -- said the police.
-- You're going to bury me alive -- said the cashier.
The police started to try and lift the cashier up from the floor, but
try as they might, they couldn't lift her, as she was extremely stout.
-- Grab her by the legs -- said the sales assistant from the fruit
section.
-- No -- said the manager -- this cashier acts as my wife. I must
therefore ask you not to expose her from the rear end.
-- Do you hear? -- said the cashier -- don't you dare expose me from
the rear end.
The police look hold of the cashier under the arms and dragged and
heaved her out of the co-operative store.
The manager ordered the sales assistants to tidy up the store and get
business under way.
--- But what are we going to do with this dead woman? -- said the sales
assistant from the fruit section, pointing at Masha.
-- Good gracious me -- said the manager -- we've made a mess of the
whole thing! Well, what in fact are we going to do with the dead woman?
-- And who's going to sit at the cash till? -- asked the sales
assistant.
The manager clutched his head with both hands. He sent apples
scattering along the counter with his knee and said: -- What's happened is
monstrous!
-- Monstrous! -- echoed the sales assistants in chorus.
Suddenly the manager scratched his moustache and said: -- Ha, ha, I'm
not so easily nonplussed. We'll seat the dead woman behind the till, and
perhaps the public won't realise who's sitting there.
They seated the dead woman at the cash desk, stuck a cigarette between
her teeth to give her a greater resemblance to the living, and for
additional verisimilitude gave her the mushroom to hold in her hands.
The dead woman sat there looking quite alive, except that her facial
colouring was very green, and one eye was open, while the other was
completely closed.
-- Never mind -- said the manager -- she'll do.
And the public was already knocking at the doors, highly agitated that
the shop had not been opened. In particular, one matriarchal figure in a
silk coat was shouting her head off: she was shaking her purse and aiming a
back heel kick at the door-handle. And behind the matriarchal figure some
old woman with a pillowcase on her head was shouting and swearing, calling
the manager of the co-operative store a stingy old swine.
The manager opened the doors and admitted the public. The public
charged straight to the meat section, and then to where the sugar and pepper
were sold. But the old woman made straight for the fish section, and on the
way glanced at the cashier and stopped.
-- Good Lord -- she said -- Holy goats!
And the matriarchal figure in the silk coat had already been round
every section, and was rushing to the cash desk. But no sooner had she
glimpsed the cashier then she stopped dead, stood in silence and just
looked. And the sales assistants also stayed silent anal looked at the
manager. And the manager peered out from behind the counter, waiting to see
what would happen next.
The matriarchal figure in the silk coat turned to the sales assistants
and said: -- Who's that you've got sitting behind the cash till?
And the sales assistants stayed silent, as they didn't know what to
say.
The manager also stayed silent.
At this point people came running from all sides. Already there was a
crowd on the street. Caretakers from nearby houses appeared on the scene.
Whistles were heard blowing. In a word, an absolute scandal.
The crowd was prepared to stand there outside the store until evening
at least. But someone said that old women were plummeting out of a window on
Ozerny Pereulok. Then the crowd outside the store thinned out, because a lot
of people went over to Ozerny Pereulok.
1936
--------
I used to be a very wise old man.
Now I am not quite right; you may consider me even not to exist at all.
But the time was when any one of you would have come to me and, whatever
burden may have oppressed a person, whatever sins may have tormented his
thoughts, I would have embraced him and said: -- My son, take comfort, for
no burden is oppressing you and I see no bodily sins in you -- and he would
scamper away from me in happiness and joy.
I was great and strong. People who met me on the street would shy to
one side and I would pass through a crowd like a flat iron.
My feet would often be kissed, but I didn't protest: I knew I deserved
it. why deprive people of the pleasure of honouring me? I myself, being
extraordinarily lithe of body, even tried to kiss myself on my own foot. I
sat on a bench, got hold of my right foot and pulled it up to my face. I
managed to kiss the big toe. I was happy. I understood the happiness of
others.
Everyone worshipped me! And not only people, but even beasts, while
even various insects crawled before me and wagged their tails. And cats!
They simply adored me and, somehow or other gripping each other's paws,
would run in front of me whenever I was on the staircase.
At that time I was indeed very wise and understood everything. There
was not a thing that would nonplus me. Just a minute's exertion of my
colossal mind and the most complicated question would be resolved in the
simplest possible manner. I was even taken to the Brain Institute and shown
off to the learned professors. They measured my mind by electricity and
simply boggled. -- We have never seen anything like it -- they said.
I was married but rarely saw my wife. She was afraid of me: the
enormity of my mind overwhelmed her. She did not so much live, as tremble;
and if I as much as looked at her, she would begin to hiccup. We lived
together for a long time, but then I think she disappeared somewhere. I
don't remember exactly.
Memory -- that's a strange thing altogether. How hard remembering is,
and how easy forgetting That's how it often is: you memorise one thing, and
then remember something entirely different. Or: you memorise something with
some difficulty, but very thoroughly, and then you can't remember anything.
That also happens. I would advise everyone to work a bit on their memory.
I always believed in fair play and never beat anyone for no reason,
because, when you are beating someone, you always go a bit daft and you
might overdo it. Children, for example, should never be beaten with a knife
or with anything made of iron, but women -- the opposite: they shouldn't be
kicked. Animals -- they, it is said, have more endurance. But I have carried
out experiments in this line and I know that this is not always the case.
Thanks to my litheness, I was able to do things which no one else could
do. For example, I managed to retrieve by hand from an extremely sinuous
sewage pipe my brother's earring, which had accidently fallen there. I
could, for example, hide in a comparatively small basket and put the lid on
myself.
Yes, certainly, I was phenomenal!
My brother was my complete opposite: in the first place, he was taller
and, secondly, more stupid.
He and I were never very friendly. Although, however, we were friendly,
even very. I've got something wrong here: to be exact, he and I were not
friendly and were always on bad terms. And this is how we got crossed. I was
standing beside a shop: they were issuing sugar there, and I was standing in
the queue, trying not to listen to what was being said around me. I had
slight toothache and was not in the greatest of moods. It was very cold
outside, because everyone was standing in quilted fur coats and they were
still freezing. I was also standing in a quilted fur, but I was not freezing
myself, though my hands were freezing because I had to keep taking them out
of my pockets to adjust the suitcase I was holding between my knees, so that
it didn't go missing. Suddenly someone struck me on the back. I flew into a
state of indescribable indignation and, quick as lightning, began to
consider how to punish the offender. During this time, I was struck a second
time on the back. I pricked up my ears, but decided against turning my head
and pretended that I hadn't noticed. I just, to be on the safe side, took
the suitcase in my hand. Seven minutes passed and I was struck on the back a
third time. At this I turned round and saw in front of me a tall middle-aged
man in a rather shabby, but still quite good, military fur coat.
-- What do you want from me? -- I asked him in strict and even slightly
metallic voice.
-- And you, why don't you turn when you're called? -- he said.
I had begun to think over the content of his words when he again opened
his mouth and said: -- What's wrong with you? Don't you recognise me or
something? I'm your brother.
I again began to think over his words when he again opened his mouth
and said: -- Just listen, brother mine. I'm four roubles short for the sugar
and it's a nuisance to have to leave the queue. Lend me five and I'll settle
up with you later. -- I started to ponder why my brother should be four
roubles short, but he grabbed hold of my sleeve and said: -- Well, so then,
are you going to lend your own brother some money? -- and with these words
he undid my quilted fur for me himself, got into my inside pocket and
reached my purse.
-- Here we are -- he said. -- I'm taking a loan of a certain sum, and
your purse, look, here it is, I'm putting back in your coat. -- And he
shoved my purse into the outer pocket of my fur.
I was of course surprised at meeting my brother so unexpectedly. For a
while I was silent, and then I asked him: -- But where have you been until
now?
-- There -- replied my brother, waving in some direction or other.
I started thinking over where this 'there' might be, but my brother
nudged me in the side and said: -- Look, they've started letting us in to
the shop.
We went together as far as the shop doors, but inside the shop I proved
to be on my own, without my brother. Just for a moment, I jumped out of the
queue and looked through the door on to the street. But there was no sign of
my brother.
When I again wanted to take my place in the queue, they wouldn't let me
in and even pushed me gradually out on to the street. Holding back my anger
at such bad manners, I went off home. At home I discovered that my brother
had taken all the money from my purse. At this stage I got absolutely
furious with my brother, and since then he and I have never made it up.
I lived alone and granted admittance only to those who came to me for
advice. But there were many of these and it turned out that I knew peace
neither by day nor by night. Sometimes I would get so tired that I would lie
down on the floor and rest. I would lie on the floor until I got cold; then
I would jump up and start running round the room, to warm up. Then I would
again sit down on the bench and give advice to all in need of it.
They would come in to me one after the other, sometimes not even
opening the doors. I used to enjoy looking at their excruciating faces. I
would talk to them, hardly able to stop myself laughing.
Once I couldn't contain myself and burst out laughing. They rushed in
horror to escape -- some through the door, some through the window, and some
straight through the walls.
Left on my own, I drew myself up to my full majestic height, opened my
mouth and said: -- Prin tim pram.
But at this point something in me cracked and, since then, you might
consider that I am no more.
1936-38
--------
YERMOLAYEV I have been at Blinov's and he gave me a demonstration of
his strength. I've never seen anything like it. The strength of a wild
animal! It was awful to behold. Blinov lifted up a writing table, swung it
about and tossed it all of four metres away from him.
DOCTOR It would be interesting to research this phenomenon. Such facts
are known to science, but the reasons for it are not understood. Where such
muscular strength comes from, scientists are not yet able to say. Introduce
me to Blinov. I'll give him a research pill.
YERMOLAYEV What sort of a pill is it that you are intending to give
Blinov?
DOCTOR Pill? I don't intend to give him a pill.
YERMOLAYEV But you only just said yourself that you were intending to
give him a pill.
DOCTOR No, no. you are mistaken. I didn't mention a pill.
YERMOLAYEV Well, excuse me, but I heard you mention a pill.
DOCTOR No.
YERMOLAYEV What do you mean -- no?
DOCTOR I didn't say that.
YERMOLAYEV Who didn't say it?
DOCTOR You didn't say it.
YERMOLAYEV What didn't I say?
DOCTOR You, it seems to me, didn't finish saying something.
YERMOLAYEV I don't understand. What didn't I finish saying?
DOCTOR Your speech pattern is very typical. You swallow your words, you
don't complete the utterance of your initial thought, you hurry and then you
stutter.
YERMOLAYEV When did I stutter? I speak quite fluently.
DOCTOR Ah, but that's where you're wrong. Do you see? You're even
starting to come out in red blotches from the tension. Your hands haven't
gone cold yet?
YERMOLAYEV No, but so what?
DOCTOR Yes, that was my supposition. I think you're already having
trouble breathing. You'd better sit down, before you fall down. That's
right. Now have a rest.
YERMOLAYEV But what for?
DOCTOR Shh! Don't strain your vocal chords. Now I'm going to alleviate
your fate.
YERMOLAYEV Doctor! You frighten me.
DOCTOR My dear friend! I want to help you. Here, take this. Swallow it!
YERMOLAYEV Oh. Ooh! What a vile, disgustingly sweet taste! What is it
you've given me?
DOCTOR Nothing, it's all right. Calm down. It's a sure remedy.
YERMOLAYEV I'm hot and everything seems to be turning green.
DOCTOR Yes, that's right, my dear friend. In a minute, you'll die.
YERMOLAYEV What are you saying? Doctor! Oh! I can't! Doctor! What have
you given me? Oh, Doctor!
DOCTOR You have swallowed the research pill.
YERMOLAYEV Save me. Oh. Save me. Oh. Let me breathe. Oh. Save... oh.
Breathe...
DOCTOR He's gone quiet. And he's not breathing. That means he's dead
already. He has died, not finding on earth the answers to his questions.
Yes, we physicians must comprehensively research the phenomenon of death.
1937
--------
Philosopher!
1. I am writing to you in reply to your letter, which you are intending
to write to me in reply to my letter which I wrote to you.
2. A certain violinist bought himself a magnet and was taking it home.
On the way some hooligans attacked the violinist and knocked his cap off.
The wind caught his cap and carried it along the street.
3. The violinist put his magnet down and ran off after his cap. The cap
landed in a puddle of nitric acid, where it decomposed.
4. And the hooligans had, by that time, grabbed the magnet and made
off.
5. The violinist returned home without his coat and without his cap,
because the cap had decomposed in the nitric acid and the violinist,
distressed by the loss of his cap, had forgotten his coat on the tram.
6. The conductor of the tram in question took the coat to a second-hand
shop and there he exchanged it for some sour cream, groats and tomatoes.
7. The conductor's father-in-law stuffed himself on the tomatoes and
died. The conductor's father-in-law's body was placed in the morgue, but
then things got mixed up and, instead of the conductor's father-in-law, they
buried some old woman.
8. On the old woman's grave they placed a white post with the
inscription: 'Anton Sergeyevich Kondrat'ev'.
9. Eleven years later, this post fell down, eaten through by worms. And
the cemetery watchman sawed the post into four pieces and burned it in his
stove. And the cemetery watchman's wife cooked cauliflower soup over this
fire.
10. But, when the soup was just ready, the clock fell off the wall
right into the saucepan full of soup. They got the clock out of the soup,
but these had been bedbugs in the clock and now they were in the soup. They
gave the soup to Timofey the beggar.
11. Timofey the beggar ate the soup, bugs and all, and told Nikolay the
beggar of the cemetery watchman's generosity.
12. The next day Nikolay the beggar went to the cemetery watchman and
started asking him for alms. But the cemetery watchman didn't give Nikolay
the beggar anything and chased him away.
13. Nikolay the beggar took this very badly and burned down the house
of the cemetery watchman.
14. The fire went from the house to the church and the church burned
down.
15. A lengthy investigation took place, but the cause of the fire could
not be established.
16. On the spot where the church had stood they built a club and on the
club's opening day a concert was arranged at which performed the violinist
who, fourteen years before, had lost his coat.
17. And amid the audience there sat the son of one of those hooligans
who, fourteen years before, had knocked the cap off this violinist.
18. After the concert they travelled home in the same tram. But, in the
tram which was following theirs, the tram-driver was that very conductor who
had once sold the violinist's coat at the second-hand shop.
19. And so there they are, travelling across the city in the late
evening: in front are the violinist and the hooligan's son, and behind them
the tram-driver and former conductor.
20. They travel on and are not aware of what the connection is between
them and this they will never learn until their dying day.
1937
* This letter was addressed to Yakov Semyonovich Druskin.
--------
Sen'ka bashed Fed'ka across the chops and hid under the chest of
drawers.
Fed'ka got Sen'ka out from under the chest of drawers with a poker and
tore off his right ear.
Sen'ka slipped through Fed'ka's hands and, holding his torn-off ear,
ran off to the neighbours.
But Fed'ka caught up with Sen'ka and coshed him over the head with the
sugar-basin.
Sen'ka collapsed and, seemingly, died.
Then Fed'ka packed his things in a suitcase and went away to
Vladivostok.
In Vladivostok Fed'ka became a tailor; strictly speaking, he was not
exactly a tailor, because he made only ladies' underwear, principally
drawers and brassieres. The ladies had no inhibitions with Fed'ka; right in
front of him they would hitch up their skirts and Fed'ka would take their
measurements.
Fed'ka, as one might say, didn't half see some sights.
Fed'ka was a nasty character.
Fed'ka was the murderer of Sen'ka.
Fed'ka was a lecherous devil.
Fed'ka was a glutton, because every evening he ate a dozen cutlets.
Fed'ka grow such a belly on him, that he made himself a corset and took to
wearing it.
Fed'ka was an unscrupulous man: he took money from children he met in
the street, he tripped up old men and he terrorised old women by raising his
hand to them and, when a frightened old woman shied to one side, Fed'ka
would pretend that he had only raised his hand to scratch his head.
It ended when Nikolay went up to Fed'ka, bashed him across the chops
and hid under a cupboard.
Fed'ka got Nikolay out with a poker from under the cupboard and ripped
open his mouth.
Nikolay ran off with his ripped mouth to the neighbours, but Fed'ka
caught up with him and clubbed him with a beer mug. Nikolay collapsed and
died.
Fed'ka gathered his things and went away from Vladivostok.
Written in two devices, by 21 November 1937
--------
Andrey Andreyevich thought up a story like this one.
In an old castle there lived a prince, who was a terrible boozer. But
the wife of this prince, on the contrary, didn't even drink tea, she only
glance at Ivan Yakovlevich's trousers and stopped in his tracks. Ivan
Yakovlevich stopped as well. The office worker looked at Ivan Yakovlevich,
as did Ivan Yakovlevich at the office worker.
-- Excuse me -- said the office worker -- you couldn't tell me how to
get to the... national... exchange?
-- To get there you'll have to go along this footpath ... along this
footbridge... no, I mean, you'll have to go this way and then that way --
said Ivan Yakovlevich.
The office worker said thank you and quickly walked away, and Ivan
Yakovlevich took a few steps forward but, seeing that now towards him came
not a male office worker but a female one, he lowered his head and ran
across to the other side of the street. Ivan Yakovlevich arrived at the
office with some delay and very bad tempered. Ivan Yakovlevich's colleagues
naturally focused their attention on the green trousers with legs of varying
hue but, evidently guessing that this was the cause of his ball temper, they
did not trouble him with questions. Ivan Yakovlevich underwent torture for
two weeks wearing his green trousers, until one of his colleagues, one
Apollon Maksimovich Shilov, suggested to Ivan Yakovlevich that he should buy
a pair of striped trousers from Apollon Maksimovich himself which were
ostensibly surplus to Apollon Maksimovich's requirements.
1934-37
--------
Aleksey Alekseyevich Alekseyev was a real knight. So, for example, on
one occasion, catching sight from a tram of a lady stumbling against a
kerbstone and dropping from her bag a glass lampshade for a table-lamp,
which promptly smashed, Aleksey Alekseyevich, desiring to help the lady,
decided to sacrifice himself and, leaping from the tram at full speed, fell
and split open the whole of his phizog on a stone. Another time, seeing a
lady who was climbing over a fence catch her skirt on a nail and get stuck
there, so that she could move neither backward nor forward, Aleksey
Alekseyevich began to get so agitated that, in his agitation, he broke two
front teeth with his tongue. In a word, Aleksey Alekseyevich was really the
most chivalrous knight, and not only in relation to ladies. With
unprecedented ease, Aleksey Alekseyevich could sacrifice his life for his
Faith, Tsar and Motherland, as he proved in the year '14, at the start of
the German war, by throwing himself, with the cry 'For the Motherland!', on
to the street from a second-floor window. By some miracle, Aleksey
Alekseyevich remained alive, getting off with only light injuries, and was
quickly, as such an uncommonly zealous patriot, dispatched to the front.
At the front, Aleksey Alekseyevich distinguished himself with his
unprecedentedly elevated feelings and every time he pronounced the words
'banner', 'fanfare', or even just 'epaulettes', down his face there would
trickle a tear of emotion.
In the year '16, Aleksey Alekseyevich was wounded in the loins and
withdrew from the front.
As a first-category invalid, Aleksey Alekseyevich had no longer to
serve and, profiting from the time on his hands, committed his patriotic
feelings to paper.
Once, chatting to Konstantin Lebedev, Aleksey Alekseyevich came out
with his favourite utterance -- I have suffered for the motherland and
wrecked my loins, but I exist by the strength of conviction in my posterior
subconscious.
-- And you're a fool! -- said Konstantin Lebedev. -- The highest
service to the motherland is rendered only by a Liberal.
For some reason, these words became deeply imprinted on the mind of
Aleksey Alekseyevich and so, in the year '17, he was already calling himself
a liberal whose loins had suffered for his native land.
Aleksey Alekseyevich greeted the Revolution with delight,
notwithstanding even the fact that he was deprived of his pension. For a
certain time Konstantin Lebedev supplied him with cane-sugar, chocolate,
preserved suet and millet groats. But when Konstantin Lebedev suddenly went
missing no one knew where, Aleksey Alekseyevich had to take to the streets
and ask for charity. At first, Aleksey Alekseyevich would extend his hand
and say: -- Give charity, for Christ's sake, to him whose loins have
suffered for the motherland. -- But this brought no success. Then Aleksey
Alekseyevich changed the word 'motherland' to the word 'revolution'. But
this too brought no success. Then Aleksey Alekseyevich composed a
revolutionary song, and, if he saw on the street a person capable, in
Aleksey Alekseyevich's opinion, of giving alms, he would take a step forward
and proudly, with dignity, threw back his head and start singing:
To the barricades
We will all zoom!
For freedom
We will ourselves all maim and doom!
And, jauntily tapping his heels in the Polish manner, Aleksey
Alekseyevich would extend his hat and say -- Alms, please, for Christ's
sake. -- This did help and Aleksey Alekseyevich rarely remained without
food.
Everything was going well, but then, in the year '22, Aleksey
Alekseyevich got to know a certain Ivan Ivanovich Puzyryov, who dealt in
Sunflower oil in the Haymarket. Puzyryov invited Aleksey Alekseyevich to a
cafe, treated him to real coffee and, himself chomping fancy cakes,
expounded to him some sort of complicated enterprise of which Aleksey
Alekseyevich understood only that he had to do something, in return for
which he would receive from Puzyryov the most costly items of nutrition.
Aleksey Alekseyevich agreed and Puzyryov, on the spot, as an incentive,
passed him under the table two caddies of tea and a packet of Rajah
cigarettes.
After this, Aleksey Alekseyevich came to see Puzyryov every morning at
the market, and picking up from him some sort of papers with crooked
signatures and numerous seals, took a sleigh, if it were winter and if it
were summer a cart, and set off as instructed by Puzyryov, to do the rounds
of various establishments where, producing the papers, he would receive some
sort of boxes, which he would load on to his sleigh or cart, and in the
evening take them to Puzyryov at his flat. But once, when Aleksey
Alekseyevich had just rolled up in his sleigh at Puzyryov's flat, two men
came up to him, one of whom was in a military great-coat, and asked him: --
Is your name Alekseyev? -- Then Aleksey Alekseyevich was put into an
automobile and taken away to prison.
At the interrogation, Aleksey Alekseyevich understood not a thing and
just kept saying that he had suffered for his revolutionary motherland. But,
despite this, he was sentenced to ten years of exile in his motherland's
northern parts. Having got back in the year '28 to Leningrad, Aleksey
Alekseyevich began to ply his previous trade and, standing up on the corner
of Volodarskiy, tossed back his head with dignity, tapped his heel and sang
out:
To the barricades
We will all zoom!
For freedom
We will ourselves all maim and doom!
But he did not even manage to sing it through twice before he was taken
away in a covered vehicle to somewhere in the direction of the Admiralty.
His feet never touched the ground.
And there we have a short narrative of the life of the valiant knight
and patriot, Aleksey Alekseyevich Alekseyev.
1934-36
--------
Abram Demyanovich Pentopasov cried out loudly and pressed a
handkerchief to his eyes. But it was too late. Ash and soft dust had gummed
up Abram Demyanovich's eyes. From then on Abram Demyanovich's eyes began to
hurt, they were gradually covered over with repulsive scabs, and Abram
Demyanovich went blind.
As a blind invalid, Abram Demyanovich was given the push from his job
and accorded a wretched pittance of thirty-six roubles a month.
Quite clearly this sum was insufficient for Abram Demyanovich to live
on. A kilo of bread cost a rouble and ten kopecks, and a leek cost
forty-eight kopecks at the market.
And so the industrial invalid began more and more to concentrate his
attention on rubbish bins.
It was difficult for a blind man to find the edible scraps among all
the peelings and filth.
Even finding the rubbish itself in someone else's yard is not easy. you
can't see it with your eyes, and to ask -- Whereabouts here is your rubbish
bin? -- is somehow a bit awkward.
The only way left is to sniff it out.
Some rubbish bins reek so much you can smell them a mile away, but
others with lids are absolutely impossible to detect.
It's all right if you happen upon a kindly caretaker, but the other
sort would so put the wind up you that you'd lose your appetite.
Once Abram Demyanovich climbed into someone's rubbish bin and when he
was in there a rat bit him, and he climbed straight back out again. So that
day he didn't eat anything. But then one morning something jumped out of
Abram Demyanovich's right eye.
Abram Demyanovich rubbed the eye and suddenly saw daylight. And then
something jumped out of his left eye, too, and Abram Demyanovich saw the
light.
From that day on it was all downhill for Abram Demyanovich.
Everywhere Abram Demyanovich was in great demand.
In the People's Committee for Heavy Industry office Abram Demyanovich
was a minor sensation.
And so Abram Demyanovich became a great man.
1935
--------
Once Antonina Alekseyevna struck her husband with her office stamp and
imprinted his forehead with stamp-pad ink.
The mortally offended Pyotr Leonidovich, Antonina Alekseyevna's
husband, locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn't let anyone in.
However, the residents of the communal flat, having a strong need to
get in to where Pyotr Leonidovich was sitting, decided to break down the
locked door by force.
Seeing that the game was up, Pyotr Leonidovich came out of the bathroom
and, going back into his own flat, lay down on the bed.
But Antonina Alekseyevna decided to persecute her husband to the limit.
She tore up little bits of paper and showered them on to Pyotr Leonidovich
who was lying on the bed.
The infuriated Pyotr Leonidovich leaped out into the corridor and set
about tearing the wallpaper.
At this point all the residents ran out and, seeing what the hapless
Pyotr Leonidovich was doing, they threw themselves on to him and ripped the
waistcoat that he was wearing.
Pyotr Leonidovich ran off to the porter's office.
During this time, Antonina Alekseyevna had stripped naked and had
hidden in the trunk.
Ten minutes later Pyotr Leonidovich returned, followed by the house
manager.
Not finding his wife in the room, Pyotr Leonidovich with the house
manager decided to take advantage of the empty premises in order to down
some vodka. Pyotr Leonidovich undertook to run off to the corner for the
said beverage.
When Pyotr Leonidovich had gone out, Antonina Alekseyevna climbed out
of the trunk and appeared before the house manager in a state of nakedness.
The shaken house manager leaped from his chair and rushed up to the
window, but, seeing the muscular build of the young twenty-six-year-old
woman, he suddenly gave way to wild rapture.
At this point Pyotr Leonidovich returned witty a litre of vodka.
Catching sight of what was afoot in his room, Pyotr Leonidovich knitted
his brows.
But his spouse Antonina Alekseyevna showed him her office stamp and
Pyotr Leonidovich calmed down.
Antonina Alekseyevna expressed a desire to participate in the drinking
session, but strictly on condition that she maintain her naked state and, to
boot, that she sit on the table on which it was proposed to set out the
snacks to accompany the vodka. The men sat down on chairs, Antonina
Alekseyevna sat on the table and the drinking commenced.
It cannot be called hygienic if a naked young woman is sitting on the
very table at which people are eating. Moreover Antonina Alekseyevna was a
woman of a rather plump build and not all that particular about her bodily
cleanliness, so it was a pretty devilish state of affairs.
Soon, however, they had all drunk themselves into a stupor and fallen
asleep: the men on the floor and Antonina Alekseyevna on the table.
And silence was established in the communal flat.
1935
--------
A certain engineer has made up his mind to build a huge brick wall
across Petersburg. He considers how to accomplish this, doesn't sleep for
nights cogitating it. Gradually a group of engineering planners is formed
and a plan for the construction of the wall is elaborated. It was decided to
build the wall at night, indeed, to build the whole thing in one night, so
that it would appear as a surprise to everyone. Workers are summoned. The
organisation is under way. The city authorities are sidelined and finally
the night arrives when this wall is to be built. The building of the wall is
known only to four men. The workers and engineers receive exact instructions
as to whom to place where and what to do. Thanks to exact calculation, they
succeed in putting up the wall in a single night. On the following day there
is consternation in Petersburg. And the inventor of the wall is himself
dejected. To what use this wall was to be put, he himself did not know.
1935
--------
There once was a man whose name was Kuznetsov. He left his house to go
to a shop to buy some carpenter's glue so as to stick a stool.
When Kuznetsov was walking past an unfinished house, a brick fell off
the top and hit Kuznetsov on the head.
Kuznetsov fell, but straight away jumped to his feet and felt over his
head. On Kuznetsov's head a huge lump had come up.
Kuznetsov gave the lump a rub and said: -- I, citizen Kuznetsov, left
the house to go to the shop to... to... to... Oh, what on earth's happened?
I've forgotten why I was going to the shop!
At this point a second brick fell off the roof and again Kuznetsov was
struck on the head.
-- Akh! -- cried Kuznetsov, clutching at his head and feeling a second
lump on his head.
-- A likely story! -- said Kuznetsov. -- I, citizen Kuznetsov, left the
house to go to... to go to... to go to... where was I going!
Then a third brick fell from the top on to Kuznetsov's head. And on
Kuznetsov's head a third lump came up. -- Oh heck! -- yelled out Kuznetsov,
snatching at his head. -- I, citizen Kuznetsov, left the... left the... Left
the cellar? No. Left the boozer? Nol Where did I leave?
A fourth brick fell from the roof, hit Kuznetsov on the back of the
head and a fourth lump came up on Kuznetsov.
-- Well, now then! -- said Kuznetsov, scratching the back of his head.
-- I... I... I... Who am I ? I seem to have forgotten what my name is ... A
likely story! Whatever's my name? Vasily Petukhov? No. Nikolay Sapogov? No.
Panteley Rysakov? No. Well, who the hell am I?
But then a fifth brick fell off the roof and so struck Kuznetsov on the
back of the head that Kuznetsov forgot everything once and for all and,
crying 'Oh, oh, oh!', ran off down the street.
If you wouldn't mind! If anyone should meet a man in the street with
five lumps on his head, please remind him that his name is Kuznetsov and
that he has to buy some carpenter's glue and repair a broken stool.
1935
--------
Natasha had two sweets. Then she ate one of the sweets and one sweet
remained. Natasha placed the sweet on the table in front of her and started
crying.
Suddenly she has a look and on the table in front of her there lie two
sweets again.
Natasha ate one sweet and again started crying.
Natasha cries and keeps one eye on the table to see whether a second
sweet will appear. But a second sweet did not appear.
Natasha stopped crying and started to sing. she sang and sang away, and
suddenly died.
Natasha's Dad arrived, took Natasha and carried her to the house
manager.
-- Here -- says Natasha's Dad -- will you witness the death?
The house manager blew on his stamp and applied it to Natasha's
forehead.
-- Thank you -- said Natasha's Dad and carried Natasha off to the
cemetery.
But at the cemetery was the watchman Matvei; he always sat by the gate
and didn't let anyone into the cemetery, so that the dead had to be buried
right on the street.
Dad buried Natasha on the street, removed his cap, placed it on the
spot where he had interred Natasha and went off home.
He arrived home and Natasha was already sitting there. How come? It's
very simple: she climbed out from under the earth and ran back home.
What a thing! Dad was so taken aback that he collapsed and died.
Natasha called the house manager, saying to him: -- Will you witness a
death?
The house manager blew on his stamp and applied it to a sheet of paper
and then on the same sheet of paper he wrote: 'This certifies that so and so
has actually died.'
Natasha took the piece of paper and carried it off to the cemetery for
burial. But the watchman Matvei tells Natasha: -- I'm not letting you in on
any account.
Natasha says: -- I just want to bury this piece of palmer.
And the watchman says: -- Don't even ask. Natasha interred the piece of
paper on the street, placed her socks on the spot where she had interred the
piece of paper and went off home.
She gets home and Dad is already sitting there at home and is already
playing against himself on a miniature billiard table with little metal
balls.
Natasha was surprised but said nothing and went off to her room to grow
up.
She grew and grew and within four years she had become a grown-up young
lady. But Natasha's Dad had become aged and bent. But they will both
remember how they had taken each other for dead and so they will fall on the
divan and just laugh. Another time they laugh for about twenty minutes.
And their neighbours, as soon as they hear this laughter, immediately
put on their coats and go off to the cinema. And one day they went off like
that and never came back again. Seemingly, they were run over by a car.
1936
--------
Once a certain professor ate something which didn't agree with him and
he began to vomit.
His wife came up to him, saying: -- What is it?
But the professor replied: -- It's nothing. -- His wife retreated
again.
The professor reclined on the divan, had a little lie down, felt rested
and went off to work. At work there was a surprise for him: his salary had
been docked; instead of 650 roubles, he only had 500. The professor ran
hither and thither -- but to no avail. The professor went to the Director,
and the Director threw hills out. The professor went to the accountant, and
the accountant said: -- Apply to the Director. -- The professor got on a
train and went off to Moscow.
On the way he suddenly went down with flu. He arrived in Moscow and
couldn't get out on to the platform.
They put the professor on a stretcher and carried him off to hospital.
The professor lay in hospital no more than four days and then died.
The professor's body was cremated, the ashes were placed in an urn and
sent off to his wife.
So the professor's wife was sitting drinking coffee. Suddenly a ring.
What's that? -- A parcel for you.
The professor's wife was really pleased; smiling all over her face, she
thrust a tip into the postman's hand and was soon unwrapping the parcel. She
looked in the parcel and saw an urn of ashes, with a message: 'Herewith all
that remains of your spouse.'
The professor's wife didn't understand a thing; she shook the urn, held
it up to the light, read the message six times -- finally she worked out
what was afoot and was terribly upset.
The professor's wife was very upset, cried for three hours and then
went off to inter the urn of ashes. She wrapped the urn in a newspaper and
took it to the First Five-Year Plan Garden, formerly the Tavricheskiy.
The professor's wife chose the most out-of-the-way path and was just
intending to bury the urn, when suddenly a watchman came along.
-- Hey! -- shouted the watchman. -- What are you doing here? -- The
professor's wife was frightened and said: -- I just wanted to catch some
frogs in this jar.
-- Well -- said the watchman -- that's all right, only watch it, and
keep off the grass.
When the watchman had gone, the professor's wife buried the urn, trod
the earth down around it and went off for a stroll round the gardens.
In the gardens, she was accosted by some sailor -- Come on, let's go
for a little sleep -- he said.
She replied: -- Why should one sleep in the daytime? -- But he stuck to
his guns: sleep and more sleep.
And the professor's wife really did feel like sleeping.
She walked along the streets and she felt sleepy. People were running
all around her in blue, or in green -- and she just felt sleepy.
So she walked and slept. And she dreamed that Lev Tolstoy was coming
towards her, holding a chamber-pot in his hands. She asked him: -- What's
that, then? -- and he pointed to the chamber-pot, saying: -- Here, I've
really done something and now I'm taking it to show the whole world. Let
everyone see it -- he said.
The professor's wife also had a look and saw that it seemed no longer
to be Tolstoy, but a shed, and in the shed was a hen.
The professor's wife tried to catch the hen, but the hen hid under a
divan, from which it looked out, now in the form of a rabbit.
The professor's wife crawled under the divan after the rabbit and woke
up.
She woke and looked around: she really was lying under a divan.
The professor's wife crawled out from under the divan -- and saw her
own room. And there stood the table with her undrunk coffee. On the table
lay the message -- Herewith all that remains of your spouse.
The professor's wife shed a few more tears and sat down to drink up her
cold coffee.
Suddenly a ring. What's that? Some people walk in and say -- Let's go.
-- Where? -- asked the professor's wife.
-- To the lunatic asylum -- they reply.
The professor's wife began to shout and to dig in her heels, but the
people grabbed her and took her off to the lunatic asylum.
And there, on a bunk in a lunatic asylum, sits a completely normal
professor's wife, holding a fishing rod and fishing on the floor for some
invisible fish or other.
This professor's wife is merely a pitiful example of how many
unfortunates there are in life who do not occupy in life the position that
they ought to occupy.
1936
--------
Masha found a mushroom, picked it and took it to the market. At the
market, Masha was hit about the head, and there were further promises that
she could be hit about the legs as well. Masha took fright and ran off.
Masha ran to the co-operative store and wanted to hide there behind the
cash desk. But the manager caught sight of Mashes and said: -- What's that
you've got in your hands?
And Masha said: -- A mushroom. The manager said: -- Why, you're a fine
one, now! How would you like me to fix you up with a job?
-- Oh, you won't fix me up -- said Masha. -- I'll fix you up here and
now! -- said the manager. And he fixed Masha up with a job, turning the
handle on the cash till.
Masha turned and turned away on the handle on the cash till and
suddenly died. The police arrived, drew up a report, and ordered the manager
to pay a fine of fifteen roubles.
-- What's the fine for? -- asked the manager.
-- For murder -- replied the police.
The manager took fright, hastily paid the fine and said: -- All right,
only take this dead cashier out of here straight away.
At this point the sales assistant from the fruit section said: -- No,
wait a minute, you've got it wrong, she wasn't the cashier. She only turned
the handle on the cash till. That's the cashier sitting there.
-- It's all the same to us -- said the police -- we've been told to
take a cashier out of here, so we'll take one out.
The police started towards the cashier. The cashier thereupon lay down
on the floor behind the cash desk and said: -- I won't go.
-- Why won't you go, you silly woman? -- said the police.
-- You're going to bury me alive -- said the cashier.
The police started to try and lift the cashier up from the floor, but
try as they might, they couldn't lift her, as she was extremely stout.
-- Grab her by the legs -- said the sales assistant from the fruit
section.
-- No -- said the manager -- this cashier acts as my wife. I must
therefore ask you not to expose her from the rear end.
-- Do you hear? -- said the cashier -- don't you dare expose me from
the rear end.
The police look hold of the cashier under the arms and dragged and
heaved her out of the co-operative store.
The manager ordered the sales assistants to tidy up the store and get
business under way.
--- But what are we going to do with this dead woman? -- said the sales
assistant from the fruit section, pointing at Masha.
-- Good gracious me -- said the manager -- we've made a mess of the
whole thing! Well, what in fact are we going to do with the dead woman?
-- And who's going to sit at the cash till? -- asked the sales
assistant.
The manager clutched his head with both hands. He sent apples
scattering along the counter with his knee and said: -- What's happened is
monstrous!
-- Monstrous! -- echoed the sales assistants in chorus.
Suddenly the manager scratched his moustache and said: -- Ha, ha, I'm
not so easily nonplussed. We'll seat the dead woman behind the till, and
perhaps the public won't realise who's sitting there.
They seated the dead woman at the cash desk, stuck a cigarette between
her teeth to give her a greater resemblance to the living, and for
additional verisimilitude gave her the mushroom to hold in her hands.
The dead woman sat there looking quite alive, except that her facial
colouring was very green, and one eye was open, while the other was
completely closed.
-- Never mind -- said the manager -- she'll do.
And the public was already knocking at the doors, highly agitated that
the shop had not been opened. In particular, one matriarchal figure in a
silk coat was shouting her head off: she was shaking her purse and aiming a
back heel kick at the door-handle. And behind the matriarchal figure some
old woman with a pillowcase on her head was shouting and swearing, calling
the manager of the co-operative store a stingy old swine.
The manager opened the doors and admitted the public. The public
charged straight to the meat section, and then to where the sugar and pepper
were sold. But the old woman made straight for the fish section, and on the
way glanced at the cashier and stopped.
-- Good Lord -- she said -- Holy goats!
And the matriarchal figure in the silk coat had already been round
every section, and was rushing to the cash desk. But no sooner had she
glimpsed the cashier then she stopped dead, stood in silence and just
looked. And the sales assistants also stayed silent anal looked at the
manager. And the manager peered out from behind the counter, waiting to see
what would happen next.
The matriarchal figure in the silk coat turned to the sales assistants
and said: -- Who's that you've got sitting behind the cash till?
And the sales assistants stayed silent, as they didn't know what to
say.
The manager also stayed silent.
At this point people came running from all sides. Already there was a
crowd on the street. Caretakers from nearby houses appeared on the scene.
Whistles were heard blowing. In a word, an absolute scandal.
The crowd was prepared to stand there outside the store until evening
at least. But someone said that old women were plummeting out of a window on
Ozerny Pereulok. Then the crowd outside the store thinned out, because a lot
of people went over to Ozerny Pereulok.
1936
--------
I used to be a very wise old man.
Now I am not quite right; you may consider me even not to exist at all.
But the time was when any one of you would have come to me and, whatever
burden may have oppressed a person, whatever sins may have tormented his
thoughts, I would have embraced him and said: -- My son, take comfort, for
no burden is oppressing you and I see no bodily sins in you -- and he would
scamper away from me in happiness and joy.
I was great and strong. People who met me on the street would shy to
one side and I would pass through a crowd like a flat iron.
My feet would often be kissed, but I didn't protest: I knew I deserved
it. why deprive people of the pleasure of honouring me? I myself, being
extraordinarily lithe of body, even tried to kiss myself on my own foot. I
sat on a bench, got hold of my right foot and pulled it up to my face. I
managed to kiss the big toe. I was happy. I understood the happiness of
others.
Everyone worshipped me! And not only people, but even beasts, while
even various insects crawled before me and wagged their tails. And cats!
They simply adored me and, somehow or other gripping each other's paws,
would run in front of me whenever I was on the staircase.
At that time I was indeed very wise and understood everything. There
was not a thing that would nonplus me. Just a minute's exertion of my
colossal mind and the most complicated question would be resolved in the
simplest possible manner. I was even taken to the Brain Institute and shown
off to the learned professors. They measured my mind by electricity and
simply boggled. -- We have never seen anything like it -- they said.
I was married but rarely saw my wife. She was afraid of me: the
enormity of my mind overwhelmed her. She did not so much live, as tremble;
and if I as much as looked at her, she would begin to hiccup. We lived
together for a long time, but then I think she disappeared somewhere. I
don't remember exactly.
Memory -- that's a strange thing altogether. How hard remembering is,
and how easy forgetting That's how it often is: you memorise one thing, and
then remember something entirely different. Or: you memorise something with
some difficulty, but very thoroughly, and then you can't remember anything.
That also happens. I would advise everyone to work a bit on their memory.
I always believed in fair play and never beat anyone for no reason,
because, when you are beating someone, you always go a bit daft and you
might overdo it. Children, for example, should never be beaten with a knife
or with anything made of iron, but women -- the opposite: they shouldn't be
kicked. Animals -- they, it is said, have more endurance. But I have carried
out experiments in this line and I know that this is not always the case.
Thanks to my litheness, I was able to do things which no one else could
do. For example, I managed to retrieve by hand from an extremely sinuous
sewage pipe my brother's earring, which had accidently fallen there. I
could, for example, hide in a comparatively small basket and put the lid on
myself.
Yes, certainly, I was phenomenal!
My brother was my complete opposite: in the first place, he was taller
and, secondly, more stupid.
He and I were never very friendly. Although, however, we were friendly,
even very. I've got something wrong here: to be exact, he and I were not
friendly and were always on bad terms. And this is how we got crossed. I was
standing beside a shop: they were issuing sugar there, and I was standing in
the queue, trying not to listen to what was being said around me. I had
slight toothache and was not in the greatest of moods. It was very cold
outside, because everyone was standing in quilted fur coats and they were
still freezing. I was also standing in a quilted fur, but I was not freezing
myself, though my hands were freezing because I had to keep taking them out
of my pockets to adjust the suitcase I was holding between my knees, so that
it didn't go missing. Suddenly someone struck me on the back. I flew into a
state of indescribable indignation and, quick as lightning, began to
consider how to punish the offender. During this time, I was struck a second
time on the back. I pricked up my ears, but decided against turning my head
and pretended that I hadn't noticed. I just, to be on the safe side, took
the suitcase in my hand. Seven minutes passed and I was struck on the back a
third time. At this I turned round and saw in front of me a tall middle-aged
man in a rather shabby, but still quite good, military fur coat.
-- What do you want from me? -- I asked him in strict and even slightly
metallic voice.
-- And you, why don't you turn when you're called? -- he said.
I had begun to think over the content of his words when he again opened
his mouth and said: -- What's wrong with you? Don't you recognise me or
something? I'm your brother.
I again began to think over his words when he again opened his mouth
and said: -- Just listen, brother mine. I'm four roubles short for the sugar
and it's a nuisance to have to leave the queue. Lend me five and I'll settle
up with you later. -- I started to ponder why my brother should be four
roubles short, but he grabbed hold of my sleeve and said: -- Well, so then,
are you going to lend your own brother some money? -- and with these words
he undid my quilted fur for me himself, got into my inside pocket and
reached my purse.
-- Here we are -- he said. -- I'm taking a loan of a certain sum, and
your purse, look, here it is, I'm putting back in your coat. -- And he
shoved my purse into the outer pocket of my fur.
I was of course surprised at meeting my brother so unexpectedly. For a
while I was silent, and then I asked him: -- But where have you been until
now?
-- There -- replied my brother, waving in some direction or other.
I started thinking over where this 'there' might be, but my brother
nudged me in the side and said: -- Look, they've started letting us in to
the shop.
We went together as far as the shop doors, but inside the shop I proved
to be on my own, without my brother. Just for a moment, I jumped out of the
queue and looked through the door on to the street. But there was no sign of
my brother.
When I again wanted to take my place in the queue, they wouldn't let me
in and even pushed me gradually out on to the street. Holding back my anger
at such bad manners, I went off home. At home I discovered that my brother
had taken all the money from my purse. At this stage I got absolutely
furious with my brother, and since then he and I have never made it up.
I lived alone and granted admittance only to those who came to me for
advice. But there were many of these and it turned out that I knew peace
neither by day nor by night. Sometimes I would get so tired that I would lie
down on the floor and rest. I would lie on the floor until I got cold; then
I would jump up and start running round the room, to warm up. Then I would
again sit down on the bench and give advice to all in need of it.
They would come in to me one after the other, sometimes not even
opening the doors. I used to enjoy looking at their excruciating faces. I
would talk to them, hardly able to stop myself laughing.
Once I couldn't contain myself and burst out laughing. They rushed in
horror to escape -- some through the door, some through the window, and some
straight through the walls.
Left on my own, I drew myself up to my full majestic height, opened my
mouth and said: -- Prin tim pram.
But at this point something in me cracked and, since then, you might
consider that I am no more.
1936-38
--------
YERMOLAYEV I have been at Blinov's and he gave me a demonstration of
his strength. I've never seen anything like it. The strength of a wild
animal! It was awful to behold. Blinov lifted up a writing table, swung it
about and tossed it all of four metres away from him.
DOCTOR It would be interesting to research this phenomenon. Such facts
are known to science, but the reasons for it are not understood. Where such
muscular strength comes from, scientists are not yet able to say. Introduce
me to Blinov. I'll give him a research pill.
YERMOLAYEV What sort of a pill is it that you are intending to give
Blinov?
DOCTOR Pill? I don't intend to give him a pill.
YERMOLAYEV But you only just said yourself that you were intending to
give him a pill.
DOCTOR No, no. you are mistaken. I didn't mention a pill.
YERMOLAYEV Well, excuse me, but I heard you mention a pill.
DOCTOR No.
YERMOLAYEV What do you mean -- no?
DOCTOR I didn't say that.
YERMOLAYEV Who didn't say it?
DOCTOR You didn't say it.
YERMOLAYEV What didn't I say?
DOCTOR You, it seems to me, didn't finish saying something.
YERMOLAYEV I don't understand. What didn't I finish saying?
DOCTOR Your speech pattern is very typical. You swallow your words, you
don't complete the utterance of your initial thought, you hurry and then you
stutter.
YERMOLAYEV When did I stutter? I speak quite fluently.
DOCTOR Ah, but that's where you're wrong. Do you see? You're even
starting to come out in red blotches from the tension. Your hands haven't
gone cold yet?
YERMOLAYEV No, but so what?
DOCTOR Yes, that was my supposition. I think you're already having
trouble breathing. You'd better sit down, before you fall down. That's
right. Now have a rest.
YERMOLAYEV But what for?
DOCTOR Shh! Don't strain your vocal chords. Now I'm going to alleviate
your fate.
YERMOLAYEV Doctor! You frighten me.
DOCTOR My dear friend! I want to help you. Here, take this. Swallow it!
YERMOLAYEV Oh. Ooh! What a vile, disgustingly sweet taste! What is it
you've given me?
DOCTOR Nothing, it's all right. Calm down. It's a sure remedy.
YERMOLAYEV I'm hot and everything seems to be turning green.
DOCTOR Yes, that's right, my dear friend. In a minute, you'll die.
YERMOLAYEV What are you saying? Doctor! Oh! I can't! Doctor! What have
you given me? Oh, Doctor!
DOCTOR You have swallowed the research pill.
YERMOLAYEV Save me. Oh. Save me. Oh. Let me breathe. Oh. Save... oh.
Breathe...
DOCTOR He's gone quiet. And he's not breathing. That means he's dead
already. He has died, not finding on earth the answers to his questions.
Yes, we physicians must comprehensively research the phenomenon of death.
1937
--------
Philosopher!
1. I am writing to you in reply to your letter, which you are intending
to write to me in reply to my letter which I wrote to you.
2. A certain violinist bought himself a magnet and was taking it home.
On the way some hooligans attacked the violinist and knocked his cap off.
The wind caught his cap and carried it along the street.
3. The violinist put his magnet down and ran off after his cap. The cap
landed in a puddle of nitric acid, where it decomposed.
4. And the hooligans had, by that time, grabbed the magnet and made
off.
5. The violinist returned home without his coat and without his cap,
because the cap had decomposed in the nitric acid and the violinist,
distressed by the loss of his cap, had forgotten his coat on the tram.
6. The conductor of the tram in question took the coat to a second-hand
shop and there he exchanged it for some sour cream, groats and tomatoes.
7. The conductor's father-in-law stuffed himself on the tomatoes and
died. The conductor's father-in-law's body was placed in the morgue, but
then things got mixed up and, instead of the conductor's father-in-law, they
buried some old woman.
8. On the old woman's grave they placed a white post with the
inscription: 'Anton Sergeyevich Kondrat'ev'.
9. Eleven years later, this post fell down, eaten through by worms. And
the cemetery watchman sawed the post into four pieces and burned it in his
stove. And the cemetery watchman's wife cooked cauliflower soup over this
fire.
10. But, when the soup was just ready, the clock fell off the wall
right into the saucepan full of soup. They got the clock out of the soup,
but these had been bedbugs in the clock and now they were in the soup. They
gave the soup to Timofey the beggar.
11. Timofey the beggar ate the soup, bugs and all, and told Nikolay the
beggar of the cemetery watchman's generosity.
12. The next day Nikolay the beggar went to the cemetery watchman and
started asking him for alms. But the cemetery watchman didn't give Nikolay
the beggar anything and chased him away.
13. Nikolay the beggar took this very badly and burned down the house
of the cemetery watchman.
14. The fire went from the house to the church and the church burned
down.
15. A lengthy investigation took place, but the cause of the fire could
not be established.
16. On the spot where the church had stood they built a club and on the
club's opening day a concert was arranged at which performed the violinist
who, fourteen years before, had lost his coat.
17. And amid the audience there sat the son of one of those hooligans
who, fourteen years before, had knocked the cap off this violinist.
18. After the concert they travelled home in the same tram. But, in the
tram which was following theirs, the tram-driver was that very conductor who
had once sold the violinist's coat at the second-hand shop.
19. And so there they are, travelling across the city in the late
evening: in front are the violinist and the hooligan's son, and behind them
the tram-driver and former conductor.
20. They travel on and are not aware of what the connection is between
them and this they will never learn until their dying day.
1937
* This letter was addressed to Yakov Semyonovich Druskin.
--------
Sen'ka bashed Fed'ka across the chops and hid under the chest of
drawers.
Fed'ka got Sen'ka out from under the chest of drawers with a poker and
tore off his right ear.
Sen'ka slipped through Fed'ka's hands and, holding his torn-off ear,
ran off to the neighbours.
But Fed'ka caught up with Sen'ka and coshed him over the head with the
sugar-basin.
Sen'ka collapsed and, seemingly, died.
Then Fed'ka packed his things in a suitcase and went away to
Vladivostok.
In Vladivostok Fed'ka became a tailor; strictly speaking, he was not
exactly a tailor, because he made only ladies' underwear, principally
drawers and brassieres. The ladies had no inhibitions with Fed'ka; right in
front of him they would hitch up their skirts and Fed'ka would take their
measurements.
Fed'ka, as one might say, didn't half see some sights.
Fed'ka was a nasty character.
Fed'ka was the murderer of Sen'ka.
Fed'ka was a lecherous devil.
Fed'ka was a glutton, because every evening he ate a dozen cutlets.
Fed'ka grow such a belly on him, that he made himself a corset and took to
wearing it.
Fed'ka was an unscrupulous man: he took money from children he met in
the street, he tripped up old men and he terrorised old women by raising his
hand to them and, when a frightened old woman shied to one side, Fed'ka
would pretend that he had only raised his hand to scratch his head.
It ended when Nikolay went up to Fed'ka, bashed him across the chops
and hid under a cupboard.
Fed'ka got Nikolay out with a poker from under the cupboard and ripped
open his mouth.
Nikolay ran off with his ripped mouth to the neighbours, but Fed'ka
caught up with him and clubbed him with a beer mug. Nikolay collapsed and
died.
Fed'ka gathered his things and went away from Vladivostok.
Written in two devices, by 21 November 1937
--------
Andrey Andreyevich thought up a story like this one.
In an old castle there lived a prince, who was a terrible boozer. But
the wife of this prince, on the contrary, didn't even drink tea, she only