Кастанеда Карлос. Второе кольцо силы (engl)

Lidia but she soon forgot about it. One Sunday afternoon, when she was
coming back to the house, a dry leaf got stuck in the threads of her shawl.
Her shawl was loosely woven. She tried to pick out the small leaf, but she
was afraid of ruining her shawl. So when she came into the house she
immediately tried to loosen it, but there was no way, it was stuck.
Josefina, in a fit of anger, clutched the shawl and the leaf and crumbled it
inside her hand. She figured that small pieces would be easier to pick out.
I heard a maddening scream and Josefina fell to the ground. I ran to her and
found that she couldn't open her hand. The leaf had cut her hand to shreds
as if it were pieces of a razor blade. Lidia and I helped her and nursed her
for seven days. Josefina was more stubborn than anyone else. She nearly
died. At the end she managed to open her hand, but only after she had in her
own mind resolved to drop her old ways. She still gets pains in her body
from time to time, especially in her hand, due to the ugly disposition that
still returns to her. The Nagual told both of them that they shouldn't count
on their victory because it's a lifetime struggle that each of us wages
against our old selves.
"Lidia and Josefina never fought again. I don't think they like each
other, but they certainly get along. I love those two the most. They have
been with me all these years. I know that they love me too."
"What about the other two girls? Where do they fit?"
"A year later Elena came; she is la Gorda. She was by far in the worst
condition you could imagine. She weighed two hundred and twenty pounds. She
was a desperate woman. Pablito had given her shelter in his shop. She did
laundry and ironing to support herself. The Nagual came one night to get
Pablito and found the fat girl working while a circle of moths flew over her
head. He said that the moths had made a perfect circle for him to watch. He
saw that the woman was near the end of her life, yet the moths must have had
all the confidence in the world, in order for them to give him such an omen.
The Nagual acted fast and took her with him.
"She did fine for a while, but the bad habits that she had learned were
too deep and she couldn't give them up. So one day the Nagual sent for the
wind to help her. It was a matter of helping her or finishing her off. The
wind began to blow on her until it drove her out of the house; she was alone
that day and no one saw what was happening. The wind pushed her over hills
and into ravines until she fell into a ditch, a hole in the ground like a
grave. The wind kept her there for days. When the Nagual finally found her
she had managed to stop the wind, but she was too weak to walk."
"How did the girls manage to stop whatever was acting upon them?"
"Well, in the first place what was acting upon them was the gourd that
the Nagual carried tied to his belt."
"And what is in the gourd?"
"The allies that the Nagual carries with him. He said that the ally is
funneled through his gourd. Don't ask me any more because I know nothing
more about the ally. All I can tell you is that the Nagual commands two
allies and makes them help him. In the case of my girls the ally backed down
when they were ready to change. For them, of course, it was a case of either
change or death. But that's the case with all of us, one way or another. And
la Gorda changed more than anyone else. She was empty, in fact more empty
than I, but she worked her spirit until she became power itself. I don't
like her. I'm afraid of her. She knows me. She gets inside me and my
feelings and that bothers me. But no one can do anything to her because she
never lets her guard down. She doesn't hate me, but she thinks I am an evil
woman. She may be right. I think that she knows me too well, and I'm not as
impeccable as I want to be; but the Nagual told me not to worry about my
feelings toward her. She is like Eligio; the world no longer touches her."
"What did the Nagual do to her that was so special?"
"He taught her things he never taught anyone else. He never pampered
her or anything like that. He trusted her. She knows everything about
everybody. The Nagual also told me everything except things about her. Maybe
that's why I don't like her. The Nagual told her to be my jailer. Wherever I
go I find her. She knows whatever I do. Right now, for instance, I wouldn't
be surprised if she shows up."
"Do you think she would?"
"I doubt it. Tonight, the wind is with me."
"What is she supposed to do? Does she have a special task?"
"I've told you enough about her. I'm afraid that if I keep on talking
about her she will notice me from wherever she is, and I don't want that to
happen."
"Tell me, then, about the others."
"Some years after he found la Gorda, the Nagual found Eligio. He told
me that he had gone with you to his homeland. Eligio came to see you because
he was curious about you. The Nagual didn't notice him. He had known him
since he was a kid. But one morning, as the Nagual walked to the house where
you were waiting for him, he bumped into Eligio on the road. They walked
together for a short distance and then a dried piece of cholla got stuck on
the tip of Eligio's left shoe. He tried to kick it loose but its thorns were
like nails; they had gone deep into the sole of the shoe. The Nagual said
that Eligio pointed up to the sky with his finger and shook his foot and the
cholla came off like a bullet and went up into the air. Eligio thought it
was a big joke and laughed, but the Nagual knew that he had power, although
Eligio himself didn't even suspect it. That is why, with no trouble at all,
he became the perfect, impeccable warrior.
"It was my good fortune that I got to know him. The Nagual thought that
both of us were alike in one thing. Once we hook onto something we don't let
go of it. The good fortune of knowing Eligio was a fortune that I shared
with no one else, not even with la Gorda. She met Eligio but didn't really
get to know him, just like yourself. The Nagual knew from the beginning that
Eligio was exceptional and he isolated him. He knew that you and the girls
were on one side of the coin and Eligio was by himself on the other side.
The Nagual and Genaro were indeed very fortunate to have found him.
"I first met him when the Nagual brought him over to my house. Eligio
didn't get along with my girls. They hated him and feared him too. But he
was thoroughly indifferent. The world didn't touch him. The Nagual didn't
want you, in particular, to have much to do with Eligio. The Nagual said
that you are the kind of sorcerer one should stay away from. He said that
your touch doesn't soothe, it spoils instead. He told me that your spirit
takes prisoners. He was somehow revolted by you and at the same time he
liked you. He said that you were crazier than Josefina when he found you and
that you still are."
It was an unsettling feeling to hear someone else telling me what don
Juan thought of me. At first I tried to disregard what dona Soledad was
saying, but then I felt utterly stupid and out of place trying to protect my
ego.
"He bothered with you," she went on, "because he was commanded by power
to do so. And he, being the impeccable warrior he was, yielded to his master
and gladly did what power told him to do with you."
There was a pause. I was aching to ask her more about don Juan's
feelings about me. I asked her to tell me about her other girl instead.
"A month after he found Eligio, the Nagual found Rosa," she said. "Rosa
was the last one. Once he found her he knew that his number was complete."
"How did he find her?"
"He had gone to see Benigno in his homeland. He was approaching the
house when Rosa came out from the thick bushes on the side of the road,
chasing a pig that had gotten loose and was running away. The pig ran too
fast for Rosa. She bumped into the Nagual and couldn't catch up with the
pig. She then turned against the Nagual and began to yell at him. He made a
gesture to grab her and she was ready to fight him. She insulted him and
dared him to lay a hand on her. The Nagual liked her spirit immediately but
there was no omen. The Nagual said that he waited a moment before walking
away, and then the pig came running back and stood beside him. That was the
omen. Rosa put a rope around the pig. The Nagual asked her point-blank if
she was happy in her job. She said no. She was a live-in servant. The Nagual
asked her if she would go with him and she said that if it was what she
thought it was for, the answer was no. The Nagual said it was for work and
she wanted to know how much he would pay. He gave her a figure and then she
asked what kind of work it was. The Nagual said that it was to work with him
in the tobacco fields of Veracruz. She told him then that she had been
testing him; if he would have said he wanted her to work as a maid, she
would have known that he was a liar, because he looked like someone who had
never had a home in his life.
The Nagual was delighted with her and told her that if she wanted to
get out of the trap she was in she should come to Benigno's house before
noon. He also told her that he would wait no longer than twelve; if she came
she had to be prepared for a difficult life and plenty of work. She asked
him how far was the place of the tobacco fields. The Nagual said three days'
ride in a bus. Rosa said that if it was that far she would certainly be
ready to go as soon as she got the pig back in his pen. And she did just
that. She came here and everyone liked her. She was never mean or
bothersome; the Nagual didn't have to force her or trick her into anything.
She doesn't like me at all, and yet she takes care of me better than anyone
else. I trust her, and yet I don't like her at all, and when I leave I will
miss her the most. Can you beat that?"
I saw a flicker of sadness in her eyes. I could not sustain my
distrust. She wiped her eyes with a casual movement of her hand.
There was a natural break in the conversation at that point. It was
getting dark by then and writing was very difficult; besides I had to go to
the bathroom. She insisted that I use the outhouse before she did as the
Nagual himself would have done.
Afterward she brought two round tubs the size of a child's bathtub,
filled them half-full with warm water and added some green leaves after
mashing them thoroughly with her hands. She told me in an authoritative tone
to wash myself in one of the tubs while she did the same in the other. The
water had an almost perfumed smell. It caused a ticklish sensation. It felt
like a mild menthol on my face and arms.
We went back to her room. She put my writing gear, which I had left on
her bed, on top of one of her chests of drawers. The windows were open and
there was still light. It must have been close to seven.
Dona Soledad lay on her back. She was smiling at me. I thought that she
was the picture of warmth. But at the same time and in spite of her smile,
her eyes gave out a feeling of ruthlessness and unbending force.
I asked her how long she had been with don Juan as his woman or
apprentice. She made fun of my cautiousness in labeling her. Her answer was
seven years. She reminded me then that I had not seen her for five. I had
been convinced up to that point that I had seen her two years before. I
tried to remember the last time, but I could not.
She told me to lie down next to her. I knelt on the bed, by her side.
In a very soft voice she asked me if I was afraid. I said no, which was the
truth. There in her room, at that moment, I was being confronted by an old
response of mine, which had manifested itself countless times, a mixture of
curiosity and suicidal indifference.
Almost in a whisper she said that she had to be impeccable with me and
tell me that our meeting was crucial for both of us. She said that the
Nagual had given her direct and detailed orders of what to do. As she talked
I could not help laughing at her tremendous effort to sound like don Juan. I
listened to her statements and could predict what she would say next.
Suddenly she sat up. Her face was a few inches from mine. I could see
her white teeth shining in the semidarkness of the room. She put her arms
around me in an embrace and pulled me on top of her.
My mind was very clear, and yet something was leading me deeper and
deeper into a sort of morass. I was experiencing myself as something I had
no conception of. Suddenly I knew that I had, somehow, been feeling her
feelings all along. She was the strange one. She had mesmerized me with
words. She was a cold, old woman. And her designs were not those of youth
and vigor, in spite of her vitality and strength. I knew then that don Juan
had not turned her head in the same direction as mine. That thought would
have been ridiculous in any other context; nonetheless, at that moment I
took it as a true insight. A feeling of alarm swept through my body. I
wanted to get out of her bed. But there seemed to be an extraordinary force
around me that kept me fixed, incapable of moving away. I was paralyzed.
She must have felt my realization. All of a sudden she pulled the band
that tied her hair and in one swift movement she wrapped it around my neck.
I felt the tension of the band on my skin, but somehow it did not seem real.
Don Juan had always said to me that our great enemy is the fact that we
never believe what is happening to us. At the moment dona Soledad was
wrapping the cloth like a noose around my throat, I knew what he meant. But
even after I had had that intellectual reflection, my body did not react. I
remained flaccid, almost indifferent to what seemed to be my death.
I felt the exertion of her arms and shoulders as she tightened the band
around my neck. She was choking me with great force and expertise. I began
to gasp. Her eyes stared at me with a maddening glare. I knew then that she
intended to kill me.
Don Juan had said that when we finally realize what is going on it is
usually too late to turn back. He contended that it is always the intellect
that fools us, because it receives the message first, but rather than giving
it credence and acting on it immediately, it dallies with it instead.
I heard then, or perhaps I felt, a snapping sound at the base of my
neck, right behind my windpipe. I knew that she had cracked my neck. My ears
buzzed and then they tingled. I experienced an exceptional clarity of
hearing. I thought that I must be dying. I loathed my incapacity to do
anything to defend myself. I could not even move a muscle to kick her. I was
unable to breathe anymore. My body shivered, and suddenly I stood up and was
free, out of her deadly grip. I looked down on the bed. I seemed to be
looking down from the ceiling. I saw my body, motionless and limp on top of
hers. I saw horror in her eyes. I wanted her to let go of the noose. I had a
fit of wrath for having been so stupid and hit her smack on the forehead
with my fist. She shrieked and held her head and then passed out, but before
she did I caught a fleeting glimpse of a phantasmagoric scene. I saw dona
Soledad being hurled out of the bed by the force of my blow. I saw her
running toward the wall and huddling up against it like a frightened child.
The next impression I had was of having a terrible difficulty in
breathing. My neck hurt. My throat seemed to have dried up so intensely that
I could not swallow. It took me a long time to gather enough strength to get
up. I then examined dona Soledad. She was lying unconscious on the bed. She
had an enormous red lump on her forehead. I got some water and splashed it
on her face, the way don Juan had always done with me. When she regained
consciousness I made her walk, holding her by the armpits. She was soaked in
perspiration. I applied towels with cold water on her forehead. She threw
up, and I was almost sure she had a brain concussion. She was shivering. I
tried to pile clothes and blankets over her for warmth but she took off all
her clothes and turned her body to face the wind. She asked me to leave her
alone and said that if the wind changed direction, it would be a sign that
she was going to get well. She held my hand in a sort of brief handshake and
told me that it was fate that had pitted us against each other.
"I think one of us was supposed to die tonight," she said.
"Don't be silly. You're not finished yet," I said and really meant it.
Something made me feel confident that she was all right. I went
outside, picked up a stick and walked to my car. The dog growled. He was
still curled up on the seat. I told him to get out. He meekly jumped out.
There was something different about him. I saw his enormous shape trotting
away in the semidarkness. He went to his corral.
I was free. I sat in the car for a moment to deliberate. No, I was not
free. Something was pulling me back into the house. I had unfinished
business there. I was no longer afraid of dona Soledad. In fact, an
extraordinary indifference had taken possession of me. I felt that she had
given me, deliberately or unconsciously, a supremely important lesson. Under
the horrendous pressure of her attempt to kill me, I had actually acted upon
her from a level that would have been inconceivable under normal
circumstances. I had nearly been strangled; something in that confounded
room of hers had rendered me helpless and yet I had extricated myself. I
could not imagine what had happened. Perhaps it was as don Juan had always
maintained, that all of us have an extra potential, something which is there
but rarely gets to be used. I had actually hit dona Soledad from a phantom
position.
I took my flashlight from the car, went back into the house, lit all
the kerosene lanterns I could find and sat down at the table in the front
room to write. Working relaxed me.
Toward dawn dona Soledad stumbled out of her room. She could hardly
keep her balance. She was completely naked. She became ill and collapsed by
the door. I gave her some water and tried to cover her with a blanket. She
refused it. I became concerned with the possibility of her losing body heat.
She muttered that she had to be naked if she expected the wind to cure her.
She made a plaster of mashed leaves, applied it to her forehead and fixed it
in place with her turban. She wrapped a blanket around her body and came to
the table where I was writing and sat down facing me. Her eyes were red. She
looked truly sick.
"There is something I must tell you," she said in a weak voice. "The
Nagual set me up to wait for you; I had to wait even if it took twenty
years. He gave me instructions on how to entice you and steal your power. He
knew that sooner or later you had to come to see Pablito and Nestor, so he
told me to use that opportunity to bewitch you and take everything you have.
The Nagual said that if I lived an impeccable life my power would bring you
here when there would be no one else in the house. My power did that. Today
you came when everybody was gone. My impeccable life had helped me. All that
was left for me to do was to take your power and then kill you."
"But why would you want to do such a horrible thing?"
"Because I need your power for my own journey. The Nagual had to set it
up that way. You had to be the one; after all, I really don't know you. You
mean nothing to me. So why shouldn't I take something I need so desperately
from someone who doesn't count at all? Those were the Nagual's very words."
"Why would the Nagual want to hurt me? You yourself said that he
worried about me."

"What I've done to you tonight has nothing to do with what he feels for
you or myself. This is only between the two of us. There have been no
witnesses to what took place today between the two of us, because both of us
are part of the Nagual himself. But you in particular have received and kept
something of him that I don't have, something that I need desperately, the
special power that he gave you. The Nagual said that he had given something
to each of his six children. I can't reach Eligio. I can't take it from my
girls, so that leaves you as my prey. I made the power the Nagual gave me
grow, and in growing it changed my body. You made your power grow too. I
wanted that power from you and for that I had to kill you. The Nagual said
that even if you didn't die, you would fall under my spell and become my
prisoner for life if I wanted it so. Either way, your power was going to be
mine."
"But how could my death benefit you?"
"Not your death but your power. I did it because I need a boost;
without it I will have a hellish time on my journey. I don't have enough
guts. That's why I dislike la Gorda. She's young and has plenty of guts. I'm
old and have second thoughts and doubts. If you want to know the truth, the
real struggle is between Pablito and myself. He is my mortal enemy, not you.
The Nagual said that your power could make my journey easier and help me get
what I need."
"How on earth can Pablito be your enemy?"
"When the Nagual changed me, he knew what would eventually happen.
First of all, he set me up so my eyes would face the north, and although you
and my girls are the same, I am the opposite of you people. I go in a
different direction. Pablito, Nestor and Benigno are with you; the direction
of their eyes is the same as yours. All of you will go together toward
Yucatan.
"Pablito is my enemy not because his eyes were set in the opposite
direction, but because he is my son. This is what I had to tell you, even
though you don't know what I am talking about. I have to enter into the
other world. Where the Nagual is now. Where Genaro and Eligio are now. Even
if I have to destroy Pablito to do that."
"What are you saying, dona Soledad? You're crazy! "
"No, I am not. There is nothing more important for us living beings
than to enter into that world. I will tell you that for me that is true. To
get to that world I live the way the Nagual taught me. Without the hope of
that world I am nothing, nothing. I was a fat old cow. Now that hope gives
me a guide, a direction, and even if I can't take your power, I still have
my purpose."
She rested her head on the table, using her arms as a pillow. The force
of her statements had numbed me. I had not understood what exactly she had
meant, but I could almost empathize with her plea, although it was the
strangest thing I had yet heard from her that night. Her purpose was a
warrior's purpose, in don Juan's style and terminology. I never knew,
however, that one had to destroy people in order to fulfill it.
She lifted up her head and looked at me with half-closed eyelids.
"At the beginning everything worked fine for me today," she said. "I
was a bit scared when you drove up. I had waited years for that moment. The
Nagual told me that you like women. He said you are an easy prey for them,
so I played you for a quick finish. I figured that you would go for it. The
Nagual had taught me how I should grab you at the moment when you are the
weakest. I was leading you to that moment with my body. But you became
suspicious. I was too clumsy. I had taken you to my room, as the Nagual told
me to do, so the lines of my floor would entrap you and make you helpless.
But you fooled my floor by liking it and by watching its lines intently. It
had no power as long as your eyes were on its lines. Your body knew what to
do. Then you scared my floor, yelling the way you did. Sudden noises like
that are deadly, especially the voice of a sorcerer. The power of my floor
died out like a flame. I knew it, but you didn't.
"You were about to leave then so I had to stop you. The Nagual had
shown me how to use my hand to grab you. I tried to do that, but my power
was low. My floor was scared. Your eyes had numbed its lines. No one else
has ever laid eyes on them. So I failed in my attempt to grab your neck. You
got out of my grip before I had time to squeeze you. I knew then that you
were slipping away and I tried one final attack. I used the key the Nagual
said would affect you the most, fright. I frightened you with my shrieks and
that gave me enough power to subdue you. I thought I had you, but my stupid
dog got excited. He's stupid and knocked me off of you when I had you almost
under my spell. As I see it now, perhaps my dog was not so stupid after all.
Maybe he noticed your double and charged against it but knocked me over
instead."
"You said he wasn't your dog."
"I lied. He was my trump card. The Nagual taught me that I should
always have a trump card, an unsuspected trick. Somehow, I knew that I might
need my dog. When I took you to see my friend, it was really him; the coyote
is my girls' friend. I wanted my dog to sniff you. When you ran into the
house I had to be rough with him. I pushed him inside your car, making him
yell with pain. He's too big and could hardly fit over the seat. I told him
right then to maul you to shreds. I knew that if you had been badly bitten
by my dog you would have been helpless and I could have finished you off
without any trouble. You escaped again, but you couldn't leave the house. I
knew then that I had to be patient and wait for the darkness. Then the wind
changed direction and I was sure of my success.
"The Nagual had told me that he knew without a doubt that you would
like me as a woman. It was a matter of waiting for the right moment. The
Nagual said that you would kill yourself once you realized I had stolen your
power. But in case I failed to steal it, or in case you didn't kill
yourself, or in case I didn't want to keep you alive as my prisoner, I
should then use my headband to choke you to death. He even showed me the
place where I had to throw your carcass: a bottomless pit, a crack in the
mountains, not too far from here, where goats always disappear. The Nagual
never mentioned your awesome side, though. I've told you that one of us was
supposed to die tonight. I didn't know it was going to be me. The Nagual
gave me the feeling that I would win. How cruel of him not to tell me
everything about you."
"Think of me, dona Soledad. I knew even less than you did."
"It's not the same. The Nagual prepared me for years for this. I knew
every detail. You were in my bag. The Nagual even showed me the leaves I
should always keep fresh and handy to make you numb. I put them in the tub
as if they were for fragrance. You didn't notice that I used another kind of
leaf for my tub. You fell for everything I had prepared for you. And yet
your awesome side won in the end."
"What do you mean my awesome side?"
"The one that hit me and will kill me tonight. Your horrendous double