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OCR: Rojer, 2002
(more PGW titles to come, http://rojer.bdo.ru/PGW/)
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    P.G.Wodehouse. Much obliged, Jeeves




    1


As I slid into my chair at the breakfast table and started to
deal with the toothsome eggs and bacon which Jeeves had given of
his plenty, I was conscious of a strange exhilaration, if I've got
the word right. Pretty good the set-up looked to me. Here I was,
back in the old familiar headquarters, and the thought that I had
seen the last of Totleigh Towers, of Sir Watkyn Bassett, of his
daughter Madeline and above all of the unspeakable Spode, or Lord
Sidcup as he now calls himself, was like the medium dose for adults
of one of those patent medicines which tone the system and impart a
gentle glow.
'These eggs, Jeeves,' I said. 'Very good. Very tasty.'
'Yes, sir?'
'Laid, no doubt, by contented hens. And the coffee, perfect.
Nor must I omit to give a word of praise to the bacon. I wonder if
you notice anything about me this morning.'
'You seem in good spirits, sir.'
'Yes, Jeeves, I am happy today.'
'I am very glad to hear it, sir.'
'You might say I'm sitting on top of the world with a rainbow
round my shoulder.'
'A most satisfactory state of affairs, sir.'
'What's the word I've heard you use from time to time - begins
with eu?'
'Euphoria, sir?'
'That's the one. I've seldom had a sharper attack of euphoria.
I feel full to the brim of Vitamin B. Mind you, I don't know how
long it will last. Too often it is when one feels fizziest that the
storm clouds begin doing their stuff.'
'Very true, sir. Full many a glorious morning have I seen
flatter the mountain tops with sovereign eye, kissing with golden
face the meadows green, gilding pale streams with heavenly alchemy,
Anon permit the basest clouds to ride with ugly rack on his
celestial face and from the forlorn world his visage hide, stealing
unseen to west with this disgrace.'
'Exactly,' I said. I couldn't have put it better myself. 'One
always has to budget for a change in the weather. Still, the thing
to do is to keep on being happy while you can.'
'Precisely, sir. Carpe diem, the Roman poet Horace advised. The
English poet Herrick expressed the same sentiment when he suggested
that we should gather rosebuds while we may. Your elbow is in the
butter, sir.'
'Oh, thank you, Jeeves.'Well, all right so far. Off to a nice
start. But now we come to something which gives me pause. In
recording the latest instalment of the Bertram Wooster Story, a
task at which I am about to have a pop, I don't see how I can avoid
delving into the past a good deal, touching on events which took
place in previous instalments, and explaining who's who and what
happened when and where and why, and this will make it heavy going
for those who have been with me from the start. 'Old hat' they will
cry or, if French, 'Deja vu'.
On the other hand, I must consider the new customers. I can't
just leave the poor perishers to try to puzzle things out for
themselves. If I did, the exchanges in the present case would run
somewhat as follows.
SELF: The relief I felt at having escaped from Totleigh
Towers was stupendous.
NEW C: What's Totleigh Towers?
SELF: For one thing it had looked odds on that I should have
to marry Madeline.
NEW C: Who's Madeline?
SELF: Gussie Fink-Nottle, you see, had eloped with the cook.
NEW C: Who's Gussie Fink-Nottle?
SELF: But most fortunately Spode was in the offing and scooped
her up, saving me from the scaffold.
NEW C: Who's Spode?
You see. Hopeless. Confusion would be rife, as one might put
it. The only way out that I can think of is to ask the old gang to
let their attention wander for a bit - there are heaps of things
they can be doing; washing the car, solving the crossword puzzle,
taking the dog for a run - while I place the facts before the
newcomers.
Briefly, then, owing to circumstances I needn't go into,
Madeline Bassett daughter of Sir Watkyn Bassett of Totleigh Towers,
Glos. had long been under the impression that I was hopelessly in
love with her and had given to understand that if ever she had
occasion to return her betrothed, Gussie Fink-Nottle, to store, she
would marry me. Which wouldn't have fitted in with my plans at all,
she though physically in the pin-up class, being as mushy a
character as ever broke biscuit, convinced that the stars are God's
daisy chain and that every time a fairy blows its wee nose a baby
is born. The last thing, as you can well imagine, one would want
about the home.
So when Gussie unexpectedly eloped with the cook, it looked as
though Bertram was for it. If a girl thinks you're in love with her
and says she will marry you, you can't very well voice a preference
for being dead in a ditch. Not, I mean, if you want to regard
yourself as a preux chevalier, as the expression is, which is
always my aim. But just as I was about to put in my order for
sackcloth and ashes, up, as I say, popped Spode, now going about
under the alias of Lord Sidcup. He had loved her since she was so
high but had never got around to mentioning it, and when he did so
now, they clicked immediately. And the thought that she was safely
out of circulation and no longer a menace was possibly the prime
ingredient in my current euphoria.
I think that makes everything clear to the meanest
intelligence, does it not? Right ho, so we can go ahead. Where were
we? Ah yes, I had just told Jeeves that I was sitting on top of the
world with a rainbow round my shoulder, but expressing a doubt as
to whether this state of things would last, and how well-founded
that doubt proved to be; for scarcely a forkful of eggs and b later
it was borne in upon me that life was not the grand sweet song I
had supposed it to be, but, as you might say, stern and earnest and
full of bumps.
'Was I mistaken, Jeeves,' I said, making idle conversation as I
sipped my coffee, 'or as the mists of sleep shredded away this
morning did I hear your typewriter going?'
'Yes, sir. I was engaged in composition.'
'A dutiful letter to Charlie Silversmith?' I said, alluding to
his uncle who held the post of butler at Deverill Hall, where we
had once been pleasant visitors. 'Or possibly a lyric in the manner
of the bloke who advocates gathering rosebuds?'
'Neither, sir. I was recording the recent happenings at
Totleigh Towers for the club book.'
And here, dash it, I must once more ask what I may call the old
sweats to let their attention wander while I put the new arrivals
abreast.
Jeeves, you must know (I am addressing the new arrivals),
belongs to a club for butlers and gentlemen's gentlemen round
Curzon Street way, and one of the rules there is that every member
must contribute to the club book the latest information concerning
the fellow he's working for, the idea being to inform those seeking
employment of the sort of thing they will be taking on. If a member
is contemplating signing up with someone, he looks him up in the
club book, and if he finds that he puts out crumbs for the birdies
every morning and repeatedly saves golden-haired children from
being run over by automobiles, he knows he is on a good thing and
has no hesitation in accepting office. Whereas if the book informs
him that the fellow habitually kicks starving dogs and generally
begins the day by throwing the breakfast porridge at his personal
attendant, he is warned in time to steer clear of him.
Which is all very well and one follows the train of thought,
but in my opinion such a book is pure dynamite and ought not to be
permitted. There are, Jeeves has informed me, eleven pages in it
about me; and what will the harvest be, I ask him, if it falls into
the hands of my Aunt Agatha, with whom my standing is already low.
She spoke her mind freely enough some years ago when - against my
personal wishes - I was found with twenty-three cats in my bedroom
and again when I was accused - unjustly, I need hardly say - of
having marooned A. B. Filmer, the Cabinet minister, on an island in
her lake. To what heights of eloquence would she not soar, if
informed of my vicissitudes at Totleigh Towers? The imagination
boggles, Jeeves, I tell him.
To which he replies that it won't fall into the hands of my
Aunt Agatha, she not being likely to drop in at the Junior
Ganymede, which is what his club is called, and there the matter
rests. His reasoning is specious and he has more or less succeeded
in soothing my tremors, but I still can't help feeling uneasy, and
my manner, as I addressed him now, had quite a bit of agitation in
it.
'Good Lord!' I ejaculated, if ejaculated is the word I want.
'Are you really writing up that Totleigh business?'
'Yes, sir.'
'All the stuff about my being supposed to have pinched old
Bassett's amber statuette?'
'Yes, sir.'
'And the night I spent in a prison cell? Is this necessary? Why
not let the dead past bury its dead? Why not forget all about it?'
'Impossible, sir.'
'Why impossible? Don't tell me you can't forget things. You
aren't an elephant.'
I thought I had him there, but no.
'It is my membership in the Junior Ganymede which restrains me
from obliging you, sir. The rules with reference to the club book
are very strict and the penalty for omitting to contribute to it
severe. Actual expulsion has sometimes resulted.'
'I see,' I said. I could appreciate that this put him in quite
a spot, the feudal spirit making him wish to do the square thing by
the young master, while a natural disinclination to get bunged out
of a well-loved club urged him to let the young master boil his
head. The situation seemed to me to call for what is known as a
compromise.
'Well, couldn't you water the thing down a bit? Omit one or two
of the juiciest episodes?'
'I fear not, sir. The full facts are required. The committee
insists on this.'
I suppose I ought not at this point to have expressed a hope
that his blasted committee would trip over banana skins and break
their ruddy necks, for I seemed to detect on his face a momentary
look of pain. But he was broadminded and condoned it.
'Your chagrin does not surprise me, sir. One can, however,
understand their point of view. The Junior Ganymede club book is a
historic document. It has been in existence more than eighty
years.'
'It must be the size of a house.'
'No, sir, the records are in several volumes. The present one
dates back some twelve years. And one must remember that it is not
every employer who demands a great deal of space.'
'Demands!'
'I should have said "requires". As a rule, a few lines suffice.
Your eighteen pages are quite exceptional.'
'Eighteen? I thought it was eleven.'
'You are omitting to take into your calculations the report of
your misadventures at Totleigh Towers, which I have nearly
completed. I anticipate that this will run to approximately seven.
If you will permit me, sir, I will pat your back.'
He made this kindly offer because I had choked on a swallow of
coffee. A few pats and I was myself again and more than a little
incensed, as always happens when we are discussing his literary
work. Eighteen pages, I mean to say, and every page full of stuff
calculated, if thrown open to the public, to give my prestige the
blackest of eyes. Conscious of a strong desire to kick the
responsible parties in the seat of the pants, I spoke with a
generous warmth.
'Well, I call it monstrous. There's no other word for it. Do
you know what that blasted committee of yours are inviting?
Blackmail, that's what they're inviting. Let some man of ill will
get his hooks on that book, and what'll be the upshot? Ruin,
Jeeves, that's what'll be the upshot.'
I don't know if he drew himself to his full height, because I
was lighting a cigarette at the moment and wasn't looking, but I
think he must have done, for his voice, when he spoke, was the
chilly voice of one who has drawn himself to his full height.
'There are no men of ill will in the Junior Ganymede, sir.'
I contested this statement hotly.
That's what you think. How about Brinkley?' I said, my allusion
being to a fellow the agency had sent me some years previously when
Jeeves and I had parted company temporarily because he didn't like
me playing the banjolele. 'He's a member, isn't he?'
'A county member, sir. He rarely comes to the club. In passing,
sir, his name is not Brinkley, it is Bingley.'
I waved an impatient cigarette holder. I was in no mood to
split straws. Or is it hairs?
'His name is not of the essence, Jeeves. What is of the e is
that he went off on his afternoon out, came back in an advanced
state of intoxication, set the house on fire and tried to dismember
me with a carving knife.'
'A most unpleasant experience, sir.'
'Having heard noises down below, I emerged from my room and
found him wrestling with the grandfather clock, with which he
appeared to have had a difference. He then knocked over a lamp and
leaped up the stairs at me, complete with cutlass. By a miracle I
avoided becoming the late Bertram Wooster, but only by a miracle.
And you say there are no men of ill will in the Junior Ganymede
club. Tchah!' I said. It is an expression I don't often use, but
the situation seemed to call for it.
Things had become difficult. Angry passions were rising and
dudgeon bubbling up a bit. It was fortunate that at this juncture
the telephone should have tootled, causing a diversion.
'Mrs Travers, sir,' said Jeeves, having gone to the instrument.

    2


I had already divined who was at the other end of the wire, my
good and deserving Aunt Dahlia having a habit of talking on the
telephone with the breezy vehemence of a hog-caller in the western
states of America calling his hogs to come and get it. She got this
way through hunting a lot in her youth with the Quorn and the
Pytchley. What with people riding over hounds and hounds taking
time off to chase rabbits, a girl who hunts soon learns to make
herself audible. I believe that she, when in good voice, could be
heard in several adjoining counties.

I stepped to the telephone, well pleased. There are few males
or females whose society I enjoy more than that of this genial
sister of my late father, and it was quite a time since we had
foregathered. She lives near the town of Market Snodsbury in
Worcestershire and sticks pretty closely to the rural seat, while
I, as Jeeves had just recorded in the club book, had had my time
rather full elsewhere of late. I was smiling sunnily as I took up
the receiver. Not much good, of course, as she couldn't see me, but
it's the spirit that counts.
'Hullo, aged relative.'
'Hullo to you, you young blot. Are you sober?'
I felt a natural resentment at being considered capable of
falling under the influence of the sauce at ten in the morning, but
I reminded myself that aunts will be aunts. Show me an aunt, I've
often said, and I will show you someone who doesn't give a hoot how
much her obiter dicta may wound a nephew's sensibilities. With a
touch of hauteur I reassured her on the point she had raised and
asked her in what way I could serve her.
'How about lunch?'
'I'm not in London. I'm at home. And you can serve me, as you
call it, by coming here. Today, if possible.'
'Your words are music to my ears, old ancestor. Nothing could
tickle me pinker,' I said, for I am always glad to accept her
hospitality and to renew my acquaintance with the unbeatable
eatables dished up by her superb French chef Anatole, God's gift to
the gastric juices. I have often regretted that I have but one
stomach to put at his disposal. 'Staying how long?'
'As long as you like, my beamish boy. I'll let you know when
the time comes to throw you out. The great thing is to get you
here.'
I was touched, as who would not have been, by the eagerness she
showed for my company. Too many of my circle are apt when inviting
me to their homes to stress the fact that they are only expecting
me for the week-end and to dwell with too much enthusiasm on the
excellence of the earlier trains back to the metropolis on Monday
morning. The sunny smile widened an inch or two.
'Awfully good of you to have me, old blood relation.'
'It is, rather.'
'I look forward to seeing you.'
'Who wouldn't?'
'Each minute will seem like an hour till we meet. How's
Anatole?'
'Greedy young pig, always thinking of Anatole.'
'Difficult to help it. The taste lingers. How is his art these
days?'
'At its peak.'
'That's good.'
'Ginger says his output has been a revelation to him.'
I asked her to repeat this. It had sounded to me just as if she
had said 'Ginger says his output has been a revelation to him', and
I knew this couldn't be the case. It turned out, however, that it
was.
'Ginger?' I said, not abreast.
'Harold Winship. He told me to call him Ginger. He's staying
here. He says he's a friend of yours, which he would scarcely admit
unless he knew it could be proved against him. You do know him,
don't you? He speaks of having been at Oxford with you.'
I uttered a joyful cry, and she said if I did it again, she
would sue me, it having nearly cracked her eardrum. A notable
instance of the pot calling the kettle black, as the old saying has
it, she having been cracking mine since the start of the
proceedings.
'Know him?' I said. 'You bet I know him. We were like ...
Jeeves!'
'Sir?'
'Who were those two fellows?'
'Sir?'
'Greek, if I remember correctly. Always mentioned when the
subject of bosom pals comes up.'
'Would you be referring to Damon and Pythias, sir?'
'That's right. We were like Damon and Pythias, old ancestor.
But what's he doing chez you? I wasn't aware that you and he had
ever met.'
'We hadn't. But his mother was an old school friend of mine.'
'I see.'
'And when I heard he was standing for Parliament in the by-
election at Market Snodsbury, I wrote to him and told him to make
my house his base. Much more comfortable than dossing at a pub.'
'Oh, you've got a by-election at Market Snodsbury, have you?'
'Under full steam.'
'And Ginger's one of the candidates?'
'The Conservative one. You seem surprised.'
'I am. You might say stunned. I wouldn't have thought it was
his dish at all. How's he doing?'
'Difficult to say so far. Anyway, he needs all the help he can
get, so I want you to come and canvass for him.'
This made me chew the lower lip for a moment. One has to
exercise caution at a time like this, or where is one?
'What does it involve?' I asked guardedly. 'I shan't have to
kiss babies, shall I?'
'Of course you won't, you abysmal chump.'
'I've always heard that kissing babies entered largely into
these things.'
'Yes, but it's the candidate who does it, poor blighter. All
you have to do is go from house to house urging the inmates to vote
for Ginger.'
'Then rely on me. Such an assignment should be well within my
scope. Old Ginger!' I said, feeling emotional. 'It will warm the
what-d'you-call-its of my heart to see him again.'
'Well, you'll have the opportunity of hotting them up this very
afternoon. He's gone to London for the day and wants you to lunch
with him.'
'Does he, egad! That's fine. What time?'
'One-thirty.'
'At what spot?'
'Barribault's grill-room.'
'I'll be there. Jeeves,' I said, hanging up, 'You remember
Ginger Winship, who used to play Damon to my Pythias?'
'Yes, indeed, sir.'
'They've got an election on at Market Snodsbury, and he's
standing in the Conservative interest.'
'So I understood Madam to say, sir.'
'Oh, you caught her remarks?'
'With little or no difficulty, sir. Madam has a penetrating
voice.'
'It does penetrate, doesn't it,' I said, massaging the ear I
had been holding to the receiver. 'Good lung power.'
'Extremely, sir.'
'I wonder whether she ever sang lullabies to me in my cradle.
If so, it must have scared me cross-eyed, giving me the illusion
that the boiler had exploded. However, that is not germane to the
issue, which is that we leave for her abode this afternoon. I shall
be lunching with Ginger. In my absence, pack a few socks and
toothbrushes, will you.'
'Very good, sir,' he replied, and we did not return to the
subject of the club book.


    3


It was with no little gusto and animation that some hours later
I set out for the tryst. This Ginger was one of my oldest buddies,
not quite so old as Kipper Herring or Catsmeat Potter-Pirbright,
with whom I had plucked the gowans fine at prep school, public
school and University, but definitely ancient. Our rooms at Oxford
had been adjacent, and it would not be too much to say that from
the moment he looked in to borrow a syphon of soda water we became
more like brothers than anything, and this state of things had
continued after we had both left the seat of learning.

For quite a while he had been a prominent member of the Drones
Club, widely known for his effervescence and vivacity, but all of a
sudden he had tendered his resignation and gone to live in the
country, oddly enough at Steeple Bumpleigh in Essex, where my Aunt
Agatha has her lair. This, somebody told me, was due to the
circumstance that he had got engaged to a girl of strong character
who disapproved of the Drones Club. You get girls like that every
now and then, and in my opinion they are best avoided.
Well, naturally this had parted us. He never came to London,
and I of course never went to Steeple Bumpleigh. You don't catch me
going anywhere near Aunt Agatha unless I have to. No sense in
sticking one's neck out. But I had missed him sorely. Oh for the
touch of a vanished hand, is how you might put it.
Arriving at Barribault's, I found him in the lobby where you
have the pre-luncheon gargle before proceeding to the grill-room,
and after the initial What-ho-ing and What-a-time-since-we-met-ing
inevitable when two vanished hands who haven't seen each other for
ages re-establish contact, he asked me if I would like one for the
tonsils.
'I won't join you,' he said. 'I'm not actually on the waggon, I
have a little light wine at dinner now and then, but my fiancee
wants me to stay off cocktails. She says they harden the arteries.'
If you are about to ask me if this didn't make me purse the
lips a bit, I can assure you that it did. It seemed to point to his
having gone and got hitched up with a popsy totally lacking in the
proper spirit, and it bore out what I had been told about her being
a girl of strong character. No one who wasn't could have dashed the
cup from his lips in this manner. She had apparently made him like
it, too, for he had spoken of her not with the sullen bitterness of
one crushed beneath the iron heel but with devotion in every
syllable. Plainly he had got it up his nose and didn't object to
being bossed.
How different from me, I reflected, that time when I was
engaged to my Uncle Percy's bossy daughter Florence Craye. It
didn't last long, because she gave me the heave-ho and got
betrothed to a fellow called Gorringe who wrote vers libre, but
while it lasted I felt like one of those Ethiopian slaves Cleopatra
used to push around, and I chafed more than somewhat. Whereas
Ginger obviously hadn't even started to chafe. It isn't difficult
to spot when a fellow's chafing, and I could detect none of the
symptoms. He seemed to think that putting the presidential veto on
cocktails showed what an angel of mercy the girl was, always
working with his good at heart.
The Woosters do not like drinking alone, particularly with a
critical eye watching them to see if their arteries are hardening,
so I declined the proffered snort -reluctantly, for I was athirst -
and came straight to the main item on the agenda paper. On my way
to Barribault's I had, as you may suppose, pondered deeply on this
business of him standing for Parliament, and I wanted to know the
motives behind the move. It looked cock-eyed to me.
'Aunt Dahlia tells me you are staying with her in order to be
handy to Market Snodsbury while giving the electors there the old
oil,' I said.
'Yes, she very decently invited me. She was at school with my
mother.'
'So she told me. I wonder if her face was as red in those days.
How do you like it there?'
'It's a wonderful place.'
'Grade A. Gravel soil, main drainage, spreading grounds and
Company's own water. And, of course, Anatole's cooking.'
'Ah!' he said, and I think he would have bared his head, only
he hadn't a hat on. 'Very gifted, that man.'
'A wizard,' I agreed. 'His dinners must fortify you for the
tasks you have to face. How's the election coming along?'
'All right.'
'Kissed any babies lately?'
'Ah!' he said again, this time with a shudder. I could see that
I had touched an exposed nerve. 'What blighters babies are, Bertie,
dribbling, as they do, at the side of the mouth. Still, it has to
be done. My agent tells me to leave no stone unturned if I want to
win the election.'
'But why do you want to win the election? I'd have thought you
wouldn't have touched Parliament with a ten-foot pole,' I said, for
I knew the society there was very mixed. 'What made you commit this
rash act?'
'My fiancee wanted me to,' he said, and as his lips framed the
word 'fiancee' his voice took on a sort of tremolo like that of a
male turtle dove cooing to a female turtle dove. 'She thought I
ought to be carving out a career for myself.'
'Do you want a career?'
'Not much, but she insisted.'
The uneasiness I had felt when he told me the beasel had made
him knock off cocktails deepened. His every utterance rendered it
more apparent to an experienced man like myself that he had run up
against something too hot to handle, and for a moment I thought of
advising him to send her a telegram saying it was all off and, this
done, to pack a suitcase and catch the next boat to Australia. But
feeling that this might give offence I merely asked him what the
procedure was when you stood for Parliament - or ran for it, as
they would say in America. Not that I particularly wanted to know,
but it was something to talk about other than his frightful
fiancee.
A cloud passed over his face, which I ought to have mentioned
earlier was well worth looking at, the eyes clear, the cheeks
tanned, the chin firm, the hair ginger and the nose shapely. It
topped off, moreover, a body which also repaid inspection, being
muscular and well knit. His general aspect, as a matter of fact,
was rather like that presented by Esmond Haddock, the squire of
Deverill Hall, where Jeeves's Uncle Charlie Silversmith drew his
monthly envelope. He had the same poetic look, as if at any moment
about to rhyme June with moon, yet gave the impression, as Esmond
did, of being able, if he cared to, to fell an ox with a single
blow. I don't know if he had ever actually done this, for one so
seldom meets an ox, but in his undergraduate days he had felled
people right and left, having represented the University in the
ring as a heavyweight a matter of three years. He may have included
oxen among his victims.
'You go through hell,' he said, the map still clouded as he
recalled the past. 'I had to sit in a room where you could hardly
breathe because it was as crowded as the Black Hole of Calcutta and
listen to addresses of welcome till midnight. After that I went
about making speeches.'
'Well, why aren't you down there, making speeches, now? Have
they given you a day off?'
'I came up to get a secretary.'
'Surely you didn't go there without one?'
'No, I had one all right, but my fiancee fired her. They had
some sort of disagreement.'
I had pursed the lips a goodish bit when he had told me about
his fiancee and the cocktails, and I pursed them to an even greater
extent now. The more I heard of this girl he had got engaged to,
the less I liked the sound of her. I was thinking how well she
would get on with Florence Craye if they happened to meet. Twin
souls, I mean to say, each what a housemaid I used to know would
have called an overbearing dishpot.
I didn't say so, of course. There is a time to call someone an
overbearing dishpot, and a time not to. Criticism of the girl he
loved might be taken in ill part, as the expression is, and you
don't want an ex-Oxford boxing Blue taking things in ill part with
you.
'Have you anyone in mind?' I asked. 'Or are you just going to a
secretary bin, accepting what they have in stock?'
'I'm hoping to get hold of an American girl I saw something of
before I left London. I was sharing a flat with Boko Fittleworth
when he was writing a novel, and she came every day and worked with
him. Boko dictates his stuff, and he said she was tops as a
shorthand typist. I have her address, but I don't know if she's
still there. I'm going round there after lunch. Her name's Magnolia
Glendennon.'
'It can't be.'
'Why not?'
'Nobody could have a name like Magnolia.'
'They could if they came from South Carolina, as she did. In
the southern states of America you can't throw a brick without
hitting a Magnolia. But I was telling you about this business of
standing for Parliament. First, of course, you have to get the
nomination.'
'How did you manage that?'
'My fiancee fixed it. She knows one of the Cabinet ministers,
and he pulled strings. A man named Filmer.'
'Not A. B. Filmer?'
'That's right. Is he a friend of yours?'
'I wouldn't say exactly a friend. I came to know him slightly
owing to being chased with him on to the roof of a sort of summer-
house by an angry swan. This drew us rather close together for the
moment, but we never became really chummy.'
'Where was this?'
'On an island on the lake at my Aunt Agatha's place at Steeple
Bumpleigh. Living at Steeple Bumpleigh, you've probably been
there.'
He looked at me with a wild surmise, much as those soldiers
Jeeves has told me about looked on each other when on a peak in
Darien, wherever that is.
'Is Lady Worpledon your aunt?'
'And how.'
'She's never mentioned it.'
'She wouldn't. Her impulse would be to hush it up.'
'Then, good Lord, she must be your cousin.'
'No, my aunt. You can't be both.'
'I mean Florence. Florence Craye, my fiancee.'
It was a shock, I don't mind telling you, and if I hadn't been
seated I would probably have reeled. Though I ought not to have
been so surprised. Florence was one of those girls who are always
getting engaged to someone, first teaming up with Stilton
Cheesewright, then me, and finally Percy Gorringe, who was
dramatizing her novel Spindrift. The play, by the way, had recently
been presented to the public at the Duke of York's theatre and had
laid an instantaneous egg, coming off on the following Saturday.
One of the critics said he had perhaps seen it at a disadvantage
because when he saw it the curtain was up. I had wondered a good
deal what effect this had had on Florence's haughty spirit.
'You're engaged to Florence?' I yipped, looking at him with a
wild surmise.
'Yes. Didn't you know?'
'Nobody tells me anything. Engaged to Florence, eh? Well,
well.'
A less tactful man than Bertram Wooster might have gone on to
add 'Oh, tough luck!' or something along those lines, for there was
no question but that the unhappy man was properly up against it,
but if there's one thing the Woosters have in heaping measure, it
is tact. I merely gripped his hand, gave it a shake and wished him
happiness. He thanked me for this.
'You're lucky,' I said, wearing the mask.
'Don't I know it!'
'She's a charming girl,' I said, still wearing as above.
'That just describes her.'
'Intellectual, too.'
'Distinctly. Writes novels.'
'Always at it.'
'Did you read Spindrift?'
'Couldn't put it down,' I said, cunningly not revealing that I
hadn't been able to take it up. 'Did you see the play?'
'Twice. Too bad it didn't run. Gorringe's adaptation was the
work of an ass.'
'I spotted him as an ass the first time I saw him.'
'It's a pity Florence didn't.'
'Yes. By the way, what became of Gorringe? When last heard of,
she was engaged to him.'
'She broke it off.'
'Very wise of her. He had long side-whiskers.'
'She considered him responsible for the failure of the play and
told him so.'
'She would.'
'What do you mean she would?'
'Her nature is so frank, honest and forthright.'
'It is, isn't it.'
'She speaks her mind.'
'Invariably.'
'It's an admirable trait.'
'Oh, most.'
'You can't get away with much with a girl like Florence.'
'No.'
We fell into a silence. He was twiddling his fingers and a sort
of what-d'you-call-it had come into his manner, as if he wanted to
say something but was having trouble in getting it out. I
remembered encountering a similar diffidence in the Rev. Stinker
Pinker when he was trying to nerve himself to ask me to come to
Totleigh Towers, and you find the same thing in dogs when they put
a paw on your knee and look up into your face but don't utter,
though making it clear that there is a subject on which they are
anxious to touch.
'Bertie,' he said at length.
'Hullo?'
'Bertie.'
'Yes?'
'Bertie.'
'Still here. Excuse me asking, but have you any cracked
gramophone record blood in you? Perhaps your mother was frightened
by one?'
And then it all came out in a rush as if a cork had been
pulled.
'Bertie, there's something I must tell you about Florence,
though you probably know it already, being a cousin of hers. She's
a wonderful girl and practically perfect in every respect, but she
has one characteristic which makes it awkward for those who love
her and are engaged to her. Don't think I'm criticizing her.'
'No, no.'
'I'm just mentioning it.'
'Exactly.'
'Well, she has no use for a loser. To keep her esteem you have
to be a winner. She's like one of those princesses in the fairy
tales who set fellows some task to perform, as it might be scaling
a mountain of glass or bringing her a hair from the beard of the
Great Cham of Tartary, and gave them the brush-off when they
couldn't make the grade.'
I recalled the princesses of whom he spoke, and I had always
thought them rather fatheads. I mean to say, what sort of
foundation for a happy marriage is the bridegroom's ability to
scale mountains of glass? A fellow probably wouldn't be called on
to do it more than about once every ten years, if that.
'Gorringe,' said Ginger, continuing, 'was a loser, and that
dished him. And long ago, someone told me, she was engaged to a
gentleman jockey and she chucked him because he took a spill at the
canal turn in the Grand National. She's a perfectionist. I admire
her for it, of course.'
'Of course.'
'A girl like her is entitled to have high standards.'
'Quite.'
'But, as I say, it makes it awkward for me. She has set her
heart on my winning this Market Snodsbury election, heaven knows
why, for I never thought she had any interest in politics, and if I
lose it, I shall lose her, too. So ...'
'Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the
party?'
'Exactly. You are going to canvass for me. Well, canvass like a
ton of bricks, and see that Jeeves does the same. I've simply got
to win.'
'You can rely on us.'
'Thank you, Bertie, I knew I could. And now let's go in and
have a bite of lunch.'


    4


Having restored the tissues with the excellent nourishment
which Barribault's hotel always provides and arranged that Ginger
was to pick me up in his car later in the afternoon, my own sports
model being at the vet's with some nervous ailment, we parted, he
to go in search of Magnolia Glendennon, I to walk back to the
Wooster GHQ.

It was, as you may suppose, in thoughtful mood that I made my
way through London's thoroughfares. I was reading a novel of
suspense the other day in which the heroine, having experienced a
sock in the eye or two, was said to be lost in a maze of mumbling
thoughts, and that description would have fitted me like the paper
on the wall.
My heart was heavy. When a man is an old friend and pretty
bosom at that, it depresses you to hear that he's engaged to
Florence Craye. I recalled my own emotions when I had found myself
in that unpleasant position. I had felt like someone trapped in the
underground den of the Secret Nine.
Though, mark you, there's nothing to beef about in her outer
crust. At the time when she was engaged to Stilton Cheesewright I
remember recording in the archives that she was tall and willowy
with a terrific profile and luxuriant platinum-blonde hair; the
sort of girl who might, as far as looks were concerned, have been
the star unit of the harem of one of the better-class Sultans; and
though I hadn't seen her for quite a while, I presumed that these
conditions still prevailed. The fact that Ginger, when speaking of
her, had gone so readily into his turtle dove impersonation seemed
to indicate as much.
Looks, however, aren't everything. Against this pin-up-ness of
hers you had to put the bossiness which would lead her to expect
the bloke she married to behave like a Hollywood Yes-man. From
childhood up she had been ... I can't think of the word ... begins
with an i... No, it's gone ... but I can give you the idea. When at
my private school I once won a prize for Scripture Knowledge, which
naturally involved a lot of researching into Holy Writ, and in the
course of my researches I came upon the story of the military chap
who used to say 'Come' and they cometh and 'Go' and they goeth. I
have always thought that that was Florence in a nutshell. She would
have given short shrift, as the expression is, to anyone who had
gone when she said 'Come' or the other way round. Imperious, that's
the word I was groping for. She was as imperious as a traffic cop.
Little wonder that the heart was heavy. I felt that Ginger,
mistaking it for a peach, had plucked a lemon in the garden of
love.
And then my meditations took a less sombre turn. This often
happens after a good lunch, even if you haven't had a cocktail. I
reminded myself that many married men positively enjoy being kept
on their toes by the little woman, and possibly Ginger might be one
of them. He might take the view that when the little w made him sit
up and beg and snap lumps of sugar off his nose, it was a
compliment really, because it showed that she was taking an
interest.
Feeling a bit more cheerful, I reached for my cigarette case
and was just going to open it, when like an ass I dropped it and it
fell into the road. And as I stepped from the pavement to retrieve
it there was a sudden tooting in my rear, and whirling on my axis I
perceived that in about another two ticks I was going to be rammed
amidships by a taxi.
The trouble about whirling on your axis, in case you didn't
know, is that you're liable, if not an adagio dancer, to trip over
your feet, and this was what I proceeded to do. My left shoe got
all mixed up with my right ankle, I tottered, swayed, and after a
brief pause came down like some noble tree beneath the woodman's
axe, and I was sitting there lost in a maze of numbing thoughts,
when an unseen hand attached itself to my arm and jerked me back to
safety. The taxi went on and turned the corner.
Well, of course the first thing the man of sensibility does on
these occasions is to thank his brave preserver. I turned to do
this, and blow me tight if the b.p. wasn't Jeeves. Came as a
complete surprise. I couldn't think what he was doing there, and
for an instant the idea occurred to me that this might be his
astral body.
'Jeeves!' I ejaculated. I'm pretty sure that's the word.
Anyway, I'll risk it.
'Good afternoon, sir. I trust you are not too discommoded. That
was a somewhat narrow squeak.'
'It was indeed. I don't say my whole life passed before me, but
a considerable chunk of it did. But for you -'
'Not at all, sir.'
'Yes, you and you only saved me from appearing in tomorrow's
obituary column.'
'A pleasure, sir.'
'It's amazing how you always turn up at the crucial moment,
like the United States Marines. I remember how you did when A. B.
Filmer and I were having our altercation with that swan, and there
were other occasions too numerous to mention. Well, you will
certainly get a rave notice in my prayers next time I make them.
But how do you happen to be in these parts? Where are we, by the
way?'
'This is Curzon Street, sir.'
'Of course. I'd have known that if I hadn't been musing.'
'You were musing, sir?'
'Deeply. I'll tell you about it later. This is where your club
is, isn't it?'
'Yes, sir, just round the corner. In your absence and having
completed the packing, I decided to lunch there.'
'Thank heaven you did. If you hadn't, I'd have been ... what's
that gag of yours? Something about wheels.'
'Less than the dust beneath thy chariot wheels, sir.'
'Or, rather, the cabby's chariot wheels. Why are you looking at
me with such a searching eye, Jeeves?'
'I was thinking that your misadventure had left you somewhat
dishevelled, sir. If I might suggest it, I think we should repair
to the Junior Ganymede now.'
'I see what you mean. You would give me a wash and brush-up?'
'Just so, sir.'
'And perhaps a whisky-and-soda?'
'Certainly, sir.'
'I need one sorely. Ginger's practically on the waggon, so
there were no cocktails before lunch. And do you know why he's
practically on the waggon? Because the girl he's engaged to has
made him take that foolish step. And do you know who the girl he's
engaged to is? My cousin Florence Craye.'
'Indeed, sir?'
Well, I hadn't expected him to roll his eyes and leap about,
because he never does no matter how sensational the news item, but
I could see by the way one of his eyebrows twitched and rose
perhaps an eighth of an inch that I had interested him. And there
was what is called a wealth of meaning in that 'Indeed, sir?' He
was conveying his opinion that this was a bit of luck for Bertram,
because a girl you have once been engaged to is always a lurking
menace till she gets engaged to someone else and so cannot decide
at any moment to play a return date. I got the message and
thoroughly agreed with him, though naturally I didn't say so.
Jeeves, you see, is always getting me out of entanglements with
the opposite sex, and he knows all about the various females who
from time to time have come within an ace of hauling me to the
altar rails, but of course we don't discuss them. To do so, we
feel, would come under the head of bandying a woman's name, and the
Woosters do not bandy women's names. Nor do the Jeeveses. I can't
speak for his Uncle Charlie Silversmith, but I should imagine that
he, too, has his code of ethics in this respect. These things
generally run in families.
So I merely filled him in about her making Ginger stand for
Parliament and the canvassing we were going to undertake, urging
him to do his utmost to make the electors think along the right
lines, and he said 'Yes, sir' and 'Very good, sir' and 'I quite
understand, sir', and we proceeded to the Junior Ganymede.
An extremely cosy club it proved to be. I didn't wonder that he
liked to spend so much of his leisure there. It lacked the
sprightliness of the Drones. I shouldn't think there was much bread
and sugar thrown about at lunch time, and you would hardly expect
that there would be when you reflected that the membership
consisted of elderly butlers and gentlemen's gentlemen of fairly
ripe years, but as regards comfort it couldn't be faulted. The
purler I had taken had left me rather tender in the fleshy parts,
and it was a relief after I had been washed and brushed up and was
on the spruce side once more to sink into a well-stuffed chair in
the smoking-room.
Sipping my whisky-and-s., I brought the conversation round
again to Ginger and his election, which was naturally the front
page stuff of the day.
'Do you think he has a chance, Jeeves?'
He weighed the question for a moment, as if dubious as to where
he would place his money.
'It is difficult to say, sir. Market Snodsbury, like so many
English country towns, might be described as straitlaced. It sets a