Meyer Stephenie. Breaking Dawn

   There was a hint of a smile on Emmett’s face now. I was surprised no one had hit him yet. I wanted to.
   “Yes,” Esme said eagerly. “That makes sense, Emmett. All we need is for the Volturi to pause for one moment. Just long enough to listen.”
   “We’d need quite a show of witnesses,” Rosalie said harshly, her voice brittle as glass.
   Esme nodded in agreement, as if she hadn’t heard the sarcasm in Rosalie’s tone. “We can ask that much of our friends. Just to witness.”
   “We’d do it for them,” Emmett said.
   “We’ll have to ask them just right,” Alice murmured. I looked to see her eyes were a dark void again. “They’ll have to be shown very carefully.”
   “Shown?” Jasper asked.
   Alice and Edward both looked down at Renesmee. Then Alice’s eyes glazed over.
   “Tanya’s family,” she said. “Siobhan’s coven. Amun’s. Some of the nomads—Garrett and Mary for certain. Maybe Alistair.”
   “What about Peter and Charlotte?” Jasper asked half fearfully, as if he hoped the answer was no, and his old brother could be spared from the coming carnage.
   “Maybe.”
   “The Amazons?” Carlisle asked. “Kachiri, Zafrina, and Senna?”
   Alice seemed too deep into her vision to answer at first; finally she shuddered, and her eyes flickered back to the present. She met Carlisle’s gaze for the tiniest part of a second, and then looked down.
   “I can’t see.”
   “What was that?” Edward asked, his whisper a demand. “That part in the jungle. Are we going to look for them?”
   “I can’t see,” Alice repeated, not meeting his eyes. A flash of confusion crossed Edward’s face. “We’ll have to split up and hurry—before the snow sticks to the ground. We have to round up whomever we can and get them here to show them.” She zoned again. “Ask Eleazar. There is more to this than just an immortal child.”
   The silence was ominous for another long moment while Alice was in her trance. She blinked slowly when it was over, her eyes peculiarly opaque despite the fact that she was clearly in the present.
   “There is so much. We have to hurry,” she whispered.
   “Alice?” Edward asked. “That was too fast—I didn’t understand. What was—?”
   “I can’t see!” she exploded back at him. “Jacob’s almost here!”
   Rosalie took a step toward the front door. “I’ll deal with—”
   “No, let him come,” Alice said quickly, her voice straining higher with each word. She grabbed Jasper’s hand and began pulling him toward the back door. “I’ll see better away from Nessie, too. I need to go. I need to really concentrate. I need to see everything I can. I have to go. Come on, Jasper, there’s no time to waste!”
   We all could hear Jacob on the stairs. Alice yanked, impatient, on Jasper’s hand. He followed quickly, confusion in his eyes just like Edward’s. They darted out the door into the silver night.
   “Hurry!” she called back to us. “You have to find them all!”
   “Find what?” Jacob asked, shutting the front door behind himself. “Where’d Alice go?”
   No one answered; we all just stared.
   Jacob shook the wet from his hair and pulled his arms through the sleeves of his t-shirt, his eyes on Renesmee. “Hey, Bells! I thought you guys would’ve gone home by now. . . .”
   He looked up to me finally, blinked, and then stared. I watched his expression as the room’s atmosphere finally touched him. He glanced down, eyes wide, at the wet spot on the floor, the scattered roses, the fragments of crystal. His fingers quivered.
   “What?” he asked flatly. “What happened?”
   I couldn’t think where to begin. No one else found the words, either.
   Jacob crossed the room in three long strides and dropped to his knees beside Renesmee and me. I could feel the heat shaking off his body as tremors rolled down his arms to his shaking hands.
   “Is she okay?” he demanded, touching her forehead, tilting his head as he listened to her heart. “Don’t mess with me, Bella, please!”
   “Nothing’s wrong with Renesmee,” I choked out, the words breaking in strange places.
   “Then who?”
   “All of us, Jacob,” I whispered. And it was there in my voice, too—the sound of the inside of a grave. “It’s over. We’ve all been sentenced to die.”

29 DEFECTION

   We sat there all night long, statues of horror and grief, and Alice never came back.
   We were all at our limits—frenzied into absolute stillness. Carlisle had barely been able to move his lips to explain it all to Jacob. The retelling seemed to make it worse; even Emmett stood silent and still from then on.
   It wasn’t until the sun rose and I knew that Renesmee would soon be stirring under my hands that I wondered for the first time what could possibly be taking Alice so long. I’d hoped to know more before I was faced with my daughter’s curiosity. To have some answers. Some tiny, tiny portion of hope so that I could smile and keep the truth from terrifying her, too.
   My face felt permanently set into the fixed mask it had worn all night. I wasn’t sure I had the ability to smile anymore.
   Jacob was snoring in the corner, a mountain of fur on the floor, twitching anxiously in his sleep. Sam knew everything—the wolves were readying themselves for what was coming. Not that this preparation would do anything but get them killed with the rest of my family.
   The sunlight broke through the back windows, sparkling on Edward’s skin. My eyes had not moved from his since Alice’s departure. We’d stared at each other all night, staring at what neither of us could live through losing: the other. I saw my reflection glimmer in his agonized eyes as the sun touched my own skin.
   His eyebrows moved an infinitesimal bit, then his lips.
   “Alice,” he said.
   The sound of his voice was like ice cracking as it melted. All of us fractured a little, softened a little. Moved again.
   “She’s been gone a long time,” Rosalie murmured, surprised.
   “Where could she be?” Emmett wondered, taking a step toward the door.
   Esme put a hand on her arm. “We don’t want to disturb . . .”
   “She’s never taken so long before,” Edward said. New worry splintered the mask his face had become. His features were alive again, his eyes suddenly wide with fresh fear, extra panic. “Carlisle, you don’t think—something preemptive? Would Alice have had time to see if they sent someone for her?”
   Aro’s translucent-skinned face filled my head. Aro, who had seen into all the corners of Alice’s mind, who knew everything she was capable of—
   Emmett cussed loud enough that Jacob lurched to his feet with a growl. In the yard, his growl was echoed by his pack. My family was already a blur of action.
   “Stay with Renesmee!” I all but shrieked at Jacob as I sprinted through the door.
   I was still stronger than the rest of them, and I used that strength to push myself forward. I overtook Esme in a few bounds, and Rosalie in just a few strides more. I raced through the thick forest until I was right behind Edward and Carlisle.
   “Would they have been able to surprise her?” Carlisle asked, his voice as even as if he were standing motionless rather than running at full speed.
   “I don’t see how,” Edward answered. “But Aro knows her better than anyone else. Better than I do.”
   “Is this a trap?” Emmett called from behind us.
   “Maybe,” Edward said. “There’s no scent but Alice and Jasper. Where were they going?”
   Alice and Jasper’s trail was curling into a wide arc; it stretched first east of the house, but headed north on the other side of the river, and then back west again after a few miles. We recrossed the river, all six jumping within a second of each other. Edward ran in the lead, his concentration total.
   “Did you catch that scent?” Esme called ahead a few moments after we’d leaped the river for the second time. She was the farthest back, on the far left edge of our hunting party. She gestured to the southeast.
   “Keep to the main trail—we’re almost to the Quileute border,” Edward ordered tersely. “Stay together. See if they turned north or south.”
   I was not as familiar with the treaty line as the rest of them, but I could smell the hint of wolf in the breeze blowing from the east. Edward and Carlisle slowed a little out of habit, and I could see their heads sweep from side to side, waiting for the trail to turn.
   Then the wolf smell was suddenly stronger, and Edward’s head snapped up. He came to a sudden stop. The rest of us froze, too.
   “Sam?” Edward asked in a flat voice. “What is this?”
   Sam came through the trees a few hundred yards away, walking quickly toward us in his human form, flanked by two big wolves—Paul and Jared. It took Sam a while to reach us; his human pace made me impatient. I didn’t want time to think about what was happening. I wanted to be in motion, to be doing something. I wanted to have my arms around Alice, to know beyond a doubt that she was safe.
   I watched Edward’s face go absolutely white as he read what Sam was thinking. Sam ignored him, looking straight at Carlisle as he stopped walking and began to speak.
   “Right after midnight, Alice and Jasper came to this place and asked permission to cross our land to the ocean. I granted them that and escorted them to the coast myself. They went immediately into the water and did not return. As we journeyed, Alice told me it was of the utmost importance that I say nothing to Jacob about seeing her until I spoke to you. I was to wait here for you to come looking for her and then give you this note. She told me to obey her as if all our lives depended on it.”
   Sam’s face was grim as he held out a folded sheet of paper, printed all over with small black text. It was a page out of a book; my sharp eyes read the printed words as Carlisle unfolded it to see the other side. The side facing me was the copyright page from The Merchant of Venice. A hint of my own scent blew off of it as Carlisle shook the paper flat. I realized it was a page torn from one of my books. I’d brought a few things from Charlie’s house to the cottage; a few sets of normal clothes, all the letters from my mother, and my favorite books. My tattered collection of Shakespeare paperbacks had been on the bookshelf in the cottage’s little living room yesterday morning.…
   “Alice has decided to leave us,” Carlisle whispered.
   “What?” Rosalie cried.
   Carlisle turned the page around so that we all could read.
   Don’t look for us. There isn’t time to waste. Remember: Tanya, Siobhan, Amun, Alistair, all the nomads you can find. We’ll seek out Peter and Charlotte on our way. We’re so sorry that we have to leave you this way, with no goodbyes or explanations. It’s the only way for us. We love you.
   We stood frozen again, the silence total but for the sound of the wolves’ heartbeats, their breathing. Their thoughts must have been loud, too. Edward was first to move again, speaking in response to what he heard in Sam’s head.
   “Yes, things are that dangerous.”
   “Enough that you would abandon your family?” Sam asked out loud, censure in his tone. It was clear that he had not read the note before giving it to Carlisle. He was upset now, looking as if he regretted listening to Alice.
   Edward’s expression was stiff—to Sam it probably looked angry or arrogant, but I could see the shape of pain in the hard planes of his face.
   “We don’t know what she saw,” Edward said. “Alice is neither unfeeling nor a coward. She just has more information than we do.”
   “ Wewould not—,” Sam began.
   “You are bound differently than we are,” Edward snapped. “ Weeach still have our free will.”
   Sam’s chin jerked up, and his eyes looked suddenly flat black.
   “But you should heed the warning,” Edward went on. “This is not something you want to involve yourselves in. You can still avoid what Alice saw.”
   Sam smiled grimly. “ Wedon’t run away.” Behind him, Paul snorted.
   “Don’t get your family slaughtered for pride,” Carlisle interjected quietly.
   Sam looked at Carlisle with a softer expression. “As Edward pointed out, we don’t have the same kind of freedom that you have. Renesmee is as much as part of our family now as she is yours. Jacob cannot abandon her, and we cannot abandon him.” His eyes flickered to Alice’s note, and his lips pressed into a thin line.
   “You don’t know her,” Edward said.
   “Do you?” Sam asked bluntly.
   Carlisle put a hand on Edward’s shoulder. “We have much to do, son. Whatever Alice’s decision, we would be foolish not to follow her advice now. Let’s go home and get to work.”
   Edward nodded, his face still rigid with pain. Behind me, I could hear Esme’s quiet, tearless sobs.
   I didn’t know how to cry in this body; I couldn’t do anything but stare. There was no feeling yet. Everything seemed unreal, like I was dreaming again after all these months. Having a nightmare.
   “Thank you, Sam,” Carlisle said.
   “I’m sorry,” Sam answered. “We shouldn’t have let her through.”
   “You did the right thing,” Carlisle told him. “Alice is free to do what she will. I wouldn’t deny her that liberty.”
   I’d always thought of the Cullens as a whole, an indivisible unit. Suddenly, I remembered that it had not always been so. Carlisle had created Edward, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett; Edward had created me. We were physically linked by blood and venom. I never thought of Alice and Jasper as separate—as adopted into the family. But in truth, Alice hadadopted the Cullens. She had shown up with her unconnected past, bringing Jasper with his, and fit herself into the family that was already there. Both she and Jasper had known another life outside the Cullen family. Had she really chosen to lead another new life after she’d seen that life with the Cullens was over?
   We were doomed, then, weren’t we? There was no hope at all. Not one ray, one flicker that might have convinced Alice she had a chance at our side.
   The bright morning air seemed thicker suddenly, blacker, as if physically darkened by my despair.
   “ I’mnot going down without a fight,” Emmett snarled low under his breath. “Alice told us what to do. Let’s get it done.”
   The others nodded with determined expressions, and I realized that they were banking on whatever chance Alice had given us. That they were not going to give in to hopelessness and wait to die.
   Yes, we all would fight. What else was there? And apparently we would involve others, because Alice had said so before she’d left us. How could we not follow Alice’s last warning? The wolves, too, would fight with us for Renesmee.
   We would fight, they would fight, and we all would die.
   I didn’t feel the same resolve the others seemed to feel. Alice knew the odds. She was giving us the only chance she could see, but the chance was too slim for her to bet on it.
   I felt already beaten as I turned my back on Sam’s critical face and followed Carlisle toward home.
   We ran automatically now, not the same panicked hurry as before. As we neared the river, Esme’s head lifted.
   “There was that other trail. It was fresh.”
   She nodded forward, toward where she had called Edward’s attention on the way here. While we were racing to saveAlice…
   “It has to be from earlier in the day. It was just Alice, without Jasper,” Edward said lifelessly.
   Esme’s face puckered, and she nodded.
   I drifted to the right, falling a little behind. I was sure Edward was right, but at the same time… After all, how had Alice’s note ended up on a page from my book?
   “Bella?” Edward asked in an emotionless voice as I hesitated.
   “I want to follow the trail,” I told him, smelling the light scent of Alice that led away from her earlier flight path. I was new to this, but it smelled exactly the same to me, just minus the scent of Jasper.
   Edward’s golden eyes were empty. “It probably just leads back to the house.”
   “Then I’ll meet you there.”
   At first I thought he would let me go alone, but then, as I moved a few steps away, his blank eyes flickered to life.
   “I’ll come with you,” he said quietly. “We’ll meet you at home, Carlisle.”
   Carlisle nodded, and the others left. I waited until they were out of sight, and then I looked at Edward questioningly.
   “I couldn’t let you walk away from me,” he explained in a low voice. “It hurt just to imagine it.”
   I understood without more explanation than that. I thought of being divided from him now and realized I would have felt the same pain, no matter how short the separation.
   There was so little time left to be together.
   I held my hand out to him, and he took it.
   “Let’s hurry,” he said. “Renesmee will be awake.”
   I nodded, and we were running again.
   It was probably a silly thing, to waste the time away from Renesmee just for curiosity’s sake. But the note bothered me. Alice could have carved the note into a boulder or tree trunk if she lacked writing utensils. She could have stolen a pad of Post-its from any of the houses by the highway. Why my book? When did she get it?
   Sure enough, the trail led back to the cottage by a circuitous route that stayed far clear of the Cullens’ house and the wolves in the nearby woods. Edward’s brows tightened in confusion as it became obvious where the trail led.
   He tried to reason it out. “She left Jasper to wait for her and came here?”
   We were almost to the cottage now, and I felt uneasy. I was glad to have Edward’s hand in mine, but I also felt as if I should be here alone. Tearing out the page and carrying it back to Jasper was such an odd thing for Alice to do. It felt like there was a message in her action—one I didn’t understand at all. But it was my book, so the message mustbe for me. If it were something she wanted Edward to know, wouldn’t she have pulled a page from one of his books… ?
   “Give me just a minute,” I said, pulling my hand free as we got to the door.
   His forehead creased. “Bella?”
   “Please? Thirty seconds.”
   I didn’t wait for him to answer. I darted through the door, pulling it shut behind me. I went straight to the bookshelf. Alice’s scent was fresh—less than a day old. A fire that I had not set burned low but hot in the fireplace. I yanked The Merchant of Veniceoff the shelf and flipped it open to the title page.
   There, next to the feathered edge left by the torn page, under the words The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare, was a note.
   Destroy this.
   Below that was a name and an address in Seattle.
   When Edward came through the door after only thirteen seconds rather than thirty, I was watching the book burn.
   “What’s going on, Bella?”
   “She was here. She ripped a page out of my book to write her note on.”
   “Why?”
   “I don’t know why.”
   “Why are you burning it?”
   “I—I—” I frowned, letting all my frustration and pain show on my face. I did not know what Alice was trying to tell me, only that she’d gone to great lengths to keep it from anyone but me. The one person whose mind Edward could not read. So she must want to keep him in the dark, and it was probably for a good reason. “It seemed appropriate.”
   “We don’t know what she’s doing,” he said quietly.
   I stared into the flames. I was the only person in the world who could lie to Edward. Was that what Alice wanted from me? Her last request?
   “When we were on the plane to Italy,” I whispered—this was not a lie, except perhaps in context—“on our way to rescue you… she lied to Jasper so that he wouldn’t come after us. She knew that if he faced the Volturi, he would die. She was willing to die herself rather than put him in danger. Willing for me to die, too. Willing for you to die.”
   Edward didn’t answer.
   “She has her priorities,” I said. It made my still heart ache to realize that my explanation did not feel like a lie in any way.
   “I don’t believe it,” Edward said. He didn’t say it like he was arguing with me—he said it like he was arguing with himself. “Maybe it was just Jasper in danger. Her plan would work for the rest of us, but he’d be lost if he stayed. Maybe . . .”
   “She could have told us that. Sent him away.”
   “But would Jasper have gone? Maybe she’s lying to him again.”
   “Maybe,” I pretended to agree. “We should go home. There’s no time.”
   Edward took my hand, and we ran.
   Alice’s note did not make me hopeful. If there were any way to avoid the coming slaughter, Alice would have stayed. I couldn’t see another possibility. So it was something else she was giving me. Not a way to escape. But what else would she think that I wanted? Maybe a way to salvage something? Was there anything I could still save?
   Carlisle and the others had not been idle in our absence. We’d been separated from them for all of five minutes, and they were already prepared to leave. In the corner, Jacob was human again, with Renesmee on his lap, both of them watching us with wide eyes.
   Rosalie had traded her silk wrap dress for a sturdy-looking pair of jeans, running shoes, and a button-down shirt made of the thick weave that backpackers used for long trips. Esme was dressed similarly. There was a globe on the coffee table, but they were done looking at it, just waiting for us.
   The atmosphere was more positive now than before; it felt good to them to be in action. Their hopes were pinned on Alice’s instructions.
   I looked at the globe and wondered where we were headed first.
   “We’re to stay here?” Edward asked, looking at Carlisle. He didn’t sound happy.
   “Alice said that we would have to show people Renesmee, and we would have to be careful about it,” Carlisle said. “We’ll send whomever we can find back here to you—Edward, you’ll be the best at fielding that particular minefield.”
   Edward gave one sharp nod, still not happy. “There’s a lot of ground to cover.”
   “We’re splitting up,” Emmett answered. “Rose and I are hunting for nomads.”
   “You’ll have your hands full here,” Carlisle said. “Tanya’s family will be here in the morning, and they have no idea why. First, you have to persuade them not to react the way Irina did. Second, you’ve got to find out what Alice meant about Eleazar. Then, after all that, will they stay to witness for us? It will start again as the others come—if we can persuade anyone to come in the first place.” Carlisle sighed. “Your job may well be the hardest. We’ll be back to help as soon as we can.”
   Carlisle put his hand on Edward’s shoulder for a second and then kissed my forehead. Esme hugged us both, and Emmett punched us both on the arm. Rosalie forced a hard smile for Edward and me, blew a kiss to Renesmee, and then gave Jacob a parting grimace.
   “Good luck,” Edward told them.
   “And to you,” Carlisle said. “We’ll all need it.”
   I watched them leave, wishing I could feel whatever hope bolstered them, and wishing I could be alone with the computer for just a few seconds. I had to figure out who this J. Jenks person was and why Alice had gone to such lengths to give his name to only me.
   Renesmee twisted in Jacob’s arms to touch his cheek.
   “I don’t know if Carlisle’s friends will come. I hope so. Sounds like we’re a little outnumbered right now,” Jacob murmured to Renesmee.
   So she knew. Renesmee already understood only too clearly what was going on. The whole imprinted-werewolf-gives-the-object-of-his-imprinting-whatever-she-wants thing was getting old pretty fast. Wasn’t shielding her more important than answering her questions?
   I looked carefully at her face. She did not look frightened, only anxious and very serious as she conversed with Jacob in her silent way.
   “No, we can’t help; we’ve got to stay here,” he went on. “People are coming to see you, not the scenery.”
   Renesmee frowned at him.
   “No, I don’t have to go anywhere,” he said to her. Then he looked at Edward, his face stunned by the realization that he might be wrong. “Do I?”
   Edward hesitated.
   “Spit it out,” Jacob said, his voice raw with tension. He was right at his breaking point, just like the rest of us.
   “The vampires who are coming to help us are not the same as we are,” Edward said. “Tanya’s family is the only one besides ours with a reverence for human life, and even they don’t think much of werewolves. I think it might be safer—”
   “I can take care of myself,” Jacob interrupted.
   “Safer for Renesmee,” Edward continued, “if the choice to believe our story about her is not tainted by an association with werewolves.”
   “Some friends. They’d turn on you just because of who you hang out with now?”
   “I think they would mostly be tolerant under normal circumstances. But you need to understand—accepting Nessie will not be a simple thing for any of them. Why make it even the slightest bit harder?”
   Carlisle had explained the laws about immortal children to Jacob last night. “The immortal children were really that bad?” he asked.
   “You can’t imagine the depth of the scars they’ve left in the collective vampire psyche.”
   “Edward . . .” It was still odd to hear Jacob use Edward’s name without bitterness.
   “I know, Jake. I know how hard it is to be away from her. We’ll play it by ear— see how they react to her. In any case, Nessie is going to have to be incognito off and on in the next few weeks. She’ll need to stay at the cottage until the right moment for us to introduce her. As long as you keep a safe distance from the main house . . .”
   “I can do that. Company in the morning, huh?”
   “Yes. The closest of our friends. In this particular case, it’s probably better if we get things out in the open as soon as possible. You can stay here. Tanya knows about you. She’s even met Seth.”
   “Right.”
   “You should tell Sam what’s going on. There might be strangers in the woods soon.”
   “Good point. Though I owe him some silence after last night.”
   “Listening to Alice is usually the right thing.”
   Jacob’s teeth ground together, and I could see that he shared Sam’s feelings about what Alice and Jasper had done.
   While they were talking, I wandered toward the back windows, trying to look distracted and anxious. Not a difficult thing to do. I leaned my head against the wall that curved away from the living room toward the dining room, right next to one of the computer desks. I ran my fingers against the keys while staring into the forest, trying to make it look like an absentminded thing. Did vampires ever do things absentmindedly? I didn’t think anyone was paying particular attention to me, but I didn’t turn to make sure. The monitor glowed to life. I stroked my fingers across the keys again. Then I drummed them very quietly on the wooden desktop, just to make it seem random. Another stroke across the keys.
   I scanned the screen in my peripheral vision.
   No J. Jenks, but there was a Jason Jenks. A lawyer. I brushed the keyboard, trying to keep a rhythm, like the preoccupied stroking of a cat you’d all but forgotten on your lap. Jason Jenks had a fancy website for his firm, but the address on the homepage was wrong. In Seattle, but in a different zip code. I noted the phone number and then stroked the keyboard in rhythm. This time I searched the address, but nothing at all came up, as if the address didn’t exist. I wanted to look at a map, but I decided I was pushing my luck. One more brush, to delete the history. . . .
   I continued staring out the window and brushed the wood a few times. I heard light footsteps crossing the floor to me, and I turned with what I hoped was the same expression as before.
   Renesmee reached for me, and I held my arms open. She launched herself into them, smelling strongly of werewolf, and nestled her head against my neck.
   I didn’t know if I could stand this. As much as I feared for my life, for Edward’s, for the rest of my family’s, it was not the same as the gut-wrenching terror I felt for my daughter. There had to be a way to save her, even if that was the only thing I could do.
   Suddenly, I knew that this was all I wanted anymore. The rest I would bear if I had to, but not her life being forfeited. Not that.
   She was the one thing I simply hadto save.
   Would Alice have known how I would feel?
   Renesmee’s hand touched my cheek lightly.
   She showed me my own face, Edward’s, Jacob’s, Rosalie’s, Esme’s, Carlisle’s, Alice’s, Jasper’s, flipping through all our family’s faces faster and faster. Seth and Leah. Charlie, Sue, and Billy. Over and over again. Worrying, like the rest of us were. She was only worrying, though. Jake had kept the worst from her as far as I could tell. The part about how we had no hope, how we all were going to die in a month’s time.
   She settled on Alice’s face, longing and confused. Where was Alice?
   “I don’t know,” I whispered. “But she’s Alice. She’s doing the right thing, like always.”
   The right thing for Alice, anyway. I hated thinking of her that way, but how else could the situation be understood?
   Renesmee sighed, and the longing intensified.
   “I miss her, too.”
   I felt my face working, trying to find the expression that went with the grief inside. My eyes felt strange and dry; they blinked against the uncomfortable feeling. I bit my lip. When I took my next breath, the air hitched in my throat, like I was choking on it.
   Renesmee pulled back to look at me, and I saw my face mirrored in her thoughts and in her eyes. I looked like Esme had this morning.
   So this was what it felt like to cry.
   Renesmee’s eyes glistened wetly as she watched my face. She stroked my face, showing me nothing, just trying to soothe me.
   I’d never thought to see the mother-daughter bond reversed between us, the way it had always been for Renйe and me. But I hadn’t had a very clear view of the future.
   A tear welled up on the edge of Renesmee’s eye. I wiped it away with a kiss. She touched her eye in amazement and then looked at the wetness on her fingertip.
   “Don’t cry,” I told her. “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be fine. I will find you a way through this.”
   If there was nothing else I could do, I would still save my Renesmee. I was more positive than ever that this was what Alice would give me. She would know. She would have left me a way.

30 IRRESISTIBLE

   There was so much to think about.
   How was I going to find time alone to hunt down J. Jenks, and why did Alice want me to know about him?
   If Alice’s clue had nothing to do with Renesmee, what could I do to save my daughter?
   How were Edward and I going to explain things to Tanya’s family in the morning? What if they reacted like Irina? What if it turned into a fight?
   I didn’t know how to fight. How was I going to learn in just a month? Was there any chance at all that I could be taught fast enough that I might be a danger to any one member of the Volturi? Or was I doomed to be totally useless? Just another easily dispatched newborn?
   So many answers I needed, but I did not get the chance to ask my questions.
   Wanting some normality for Renesmee, I’d insisted on taking her home to our cottage at bedtime. Jacob was more comfortable in his wolf form at the moment; the stress was easier dealt with when he felt ready for a fight. I wished that I could feel the same, could feel ready. He ran in the woods, on guard again.
   After she was deeply under, I put Renesmee in her bed and then went to the front room to ask my questions of Edward. The ones I was able to ask, at any rate; one of the most difficult of problems was the idea of trying to hide anything from him, even with the advantage of my silent thoughts.
   He stood with his back to me, staring into the fire.
   “Edward, I—”
   He spun and was across the room in what seemed like no time at all, not even the smallest part of a second. I only had time to register the ferocious expression on his face before his lips were crushing against mine and his arms were locked around me like steel girders.
   I didn’t think of my questions again for the rest of that night. It didn’t take long for me to grasp the reason for his mood, and even less time to feel exactly the same way.
   I’d been planning on needing years just to somewhat organize the overwhelming passion I felt for him physically. And then centuries after that to enjoy it. If we had only a month left together… Well, I didn’t see how I could stand to have this end. For the moment I couldn’t help but be selfish. All I wanted was to love him as much as possible in the limited time given to me.
   It was hard to pull myself away from him when the sun came up, but we had our job to do, a job that might be more difficult than all the rest of our family’s searches put together. As soon as I let myself think of what was coming, I was all tension; it felt like my nerves were being stretched on a rack, thinner and thinner.
   “I wish there was a way to get the information we need from Eleazar before we tell them about Nessie,” Edward muttered as we hurriedly dressed in the huge closet that was more reminder of Alice than I wanted at the moment. “Just in case.”
   “But he wouldn’t understand the question to answer it,” I agreed. “Do you think they’ll let us explain?”
   “I don’t know.”
   I pulled Renesmee, still sleeping, from her bed and held her close so that her curls were pressed against my face; her sweet scent, so close, overpowered every other smell.
   I couldn’t waste one second of time today. There were answers I needed, and wasn’t sure how much time Edward and I would have alone today. If all went well with Tanya’s family, hopefully we would have company for an extended period.
   “Edward, will you teach me how to fight?” I asked him, tensed for his reaction, as he held the door for me.
   It was what I expected. He froze, and then his eyes swept over me with a deep significance, like he was looking at me for the first or last time. His eyes lingered on our daughter sleeping in my arms.
   “If it comes to a fight, there won’t be much any of us can do,” he hedged.
   I kept my voice even. “Would you leave me unable to defend myself?”
   He swallowed convulsively, and the door shuddered, hinges protesting, as his hand tightened. Then he nodded. “When you put it that way… I suppose we should get to work as soon as we can.”
   I nodded, too, and we started toward the big house. We didn’t hurry.
   I wondered what I could do that would have any hope of making a difference. I was a tiny bit special, in my own way—if a having a supernaturally thick skull could really be considered special. Was there any use that I could put that toward?
   “What would you say their biggest advantage is? Do they even have a weakness?”
   Edward didn’t have to ask to know I meant the Volturi.
   “Alec and Jane are their greatest offense,” he said emotionlessly, like we were talking of a basketball team. “Their defensive players rarely see any real action.”
   “Because Jane can burn you where you stand—mentally at least. What does Alec do? Didn’t you once say he was even more dangerous than Jane?”
   “Yes. In a way, he is the antidote to Jane. She makes you feel the worst pain imaginable. Alec, on the other hand, makes you feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. Sometimes, when the Volturi are feeling kind, they have Alec anesthetize someone before he is executed. If he has surrendered or pleased them in some other way.”
   “Anesthetic? But how is that more dangerous than Jane?”
   “Because he cuts off your senses altogether. No pain, but also no sight or sound or smell. Total sensory deprivation. You are utterly alone in the blackness. You don’t even feel it when they burn you.”
   I shivered. Was this the best we could hope for? To not see or feel death when it came?
   “That would make him only equally as dangerous as Jane,” Edward went on in the same detached voice, “in that they both can incapacitate you, make you into a helpless target. The difference between them is like the difference between Aro and me. Aro hears the mind of only one person at a time. Jane can only hurt the one object of her focus. I can hear everyone at the same time.”
   I felt cold as I saw where he was going. “And Alec can incapacitate us all at the same time?” I whispered.
   “Yes,” he said. “If he uses his gift against us, we will all stand blind and deaf until they get around to killing us—maybe they’ll simply burn us without bothering to tear us apart first. Oh, we could try to fight, but we’ll be more likely to hurt one another than we would be to hurt one of them.”
   We walked in silence for a few seconds.
   An idea was shaping itself in my head. Not very promising, but better than nothing.
   “Do you think Alec is a very good fighter?” I asked. “Aside from what he can do, I mean. If he had to fight without his gift. I wonder if he’s ever even tried. . . .”
   Edward glanced at me sharply. “What are you thinking?”
   I looked straight ahead. “Well, he probably can’t do that to me, can he? If what he does is like Aro and Jane and you. Maybe… if he’s never really had to defend himself… and I learned a few tricks—”
   “He’s been with the Volturi for centuries,” Edward cut me off, his voice abruptly panicked. He was probably seeing the same image in his head that I was: the Cullens standing helpless, senseless pillars on the killing field—all but me. I’d be the only one who couldfight. “Yes, you’re surely immune to his power, but you are still a newborn, Bella. I can’t make you that strong a fighter in a few weeks. I’m sure he’s had training.”
   “Maybe, maybe not. It’s the one thing I can do that no one else can. Even if I can just distracthim for a while—” Could I last long enough to give the others a chance?
   “Please, Bella,” Edward said through his teeth. “Let’s not talk about this.”
   “Be reasonable.”
   “I will try to teach you what I can, but please don’t make me think about you sacrificing yourself as a diversion—” He choked, and didn’t finish.
   I nodded. I would keep my plans to myself, then. First Alec and then, if I was miraculously lucky enough to win, Jane. If I could only even things out—remove the Volturi’s overwhelming offensive advantage. Maybe then there was a chance.… My mind raced ahead. What if I wasable to distract or even take them out? Honestly, why would either Jane or Alec ever have needed to learn battle skills? I couldn’t imagine petulant little Jane surrendering her advantage, even to learn.
   If I was able to kill them, what a difference that would make.
   “I have to learn everything. As much as you can possibly cram into my head in the next month,” I murmured.
   He acted as if I hadn’t spoken.
   Who next, then? I might as well have my plans in order so that, if I did live past attacking Alec, there would be no hesitation in my strike. I tried to think of another situation where my thick skull would give me an advantage. I didn’t know enough about what the others did. Obviously, fighters like the huge Felix were beyond me. I could only try to give Emmett his fair fight there. I didn’t know much about the rest of the Volturi guard, besides Demetri. . . .
   My face was perfectly smooth as I considered Demetri. Without a doubt, he would be a fighter. There was no other way he could have survived so long, always at the spear point of any attack. And he must always lead, because he was their tracker—the best tracker in the world, no doubt. If there had been one better, the Volturi would have traded up. Aro didn’t surround himself with second best.
   If Demetri didn’t exist, then we couldrun. Whoever was left of us, in any case. My daughter, warm in my arms… Someone could run with her. Jacob or Rosalie, whoever was left.
   And… if Demetri didn’t exist, then Alice and Jasper could be safe forever. Is that what Alice had seen? That part of our family could continue? The two of them, at the very least.
   Could I begrudge her that?
   “Demetri…,” I said.
   “Demetri is mine,” Edward said in a hard, tight voice. I looked at him quickly and saw that his expression had turned violent.
   “Why?” I whispered.
   He didn’t answer at first. We were to the river when he finally murmured, “For Alice. It’s the only thanks I can give her now for the last fifty years.”
   So his thoughts were in line with mine.
   I heard Jacob’s heavy paws thudding against the frozen ground. In seconds, he was pacing beside me, his dark eyes focused on Renesmee.
   I nodded to him once, then returned to my questions. There was so little time.
   “Edward, why do you think Alice told us to ask Eleazar about the Volturi? Has he been in Italy recently or something? What could he know?”
   “Eleazar knows everything when it comes to the Volturi. I forgot you didn’t know. He used to be one of them.”
   I hissed involuntarily. Jacob growled beside me.
   “What?” I demanded, in my head picturing the beautiful dark-haired man at our wedding wrapped in a long, ashy cloak.
   Edward’s face was softer now—he smiled a little. “Eleazar is a very gentle person. He wasn’t entirely happy with the Volturi, but he respected the law and its need to be upheld. He felt he was working toward the greater good. He doesn’t regret his time with them. But when he found Carmen, he found his place in this world. They are very similar people, both very compassionate for vampires.” He smiled again. “They met Tanya and her sisters, and they never looked back. They are well suited to this lifestyle. If they’d never found Tanya, I imagine they would have eventually discovered a way to live without human blood on their own.”
   The pictures in my head were jarring. I couldn’t make them match up. A compassionate Volturi soldier?
   Edward glanced at Jacob and answered a silent question. “No, he wasn’t one of their warriors, so to speak. He had a gift they found convenient.”
   Jacob must have asked the obvious follow-up question.
   “He has an instinctive feel for the gifts of others—the extra abilities that some vampires have,” Edward told him. “He could give Aro a general idea of what any given vampire was capable of just by being in proximity with him or her. This was helpful when the Volturi went into battle. He could warn them if someone in the opposing coven had a skill that might give them some trouble. That was rare; it takes quite a skill to even inconvenience the Volturi for a moment. More often, the warning would give Aro the chance to save someone who might be useful to him. Eleazar’s gift works even with humans, to an extent. He has to really concentrate with humans, though, because the latent ability is so nebulous. Aro would have him test the people who wanted to join, to see if they had any potential. Aro was sorry to see him go.”
   “They let him go?” I asked. “Just like that?”