'I've seen dozens of pictures of it,' said Susan, ignoring him. 'You put the sky overhead because the sky's above you and when you are a couple of feet high there's not a lot of sideways to the sky in any case. And everyone tells you grass is green and water is blue. This is the landscape you paint. Twyla paints like that. I painted like that. Grandfather saved some of...'
She stopped.
'All children do it, anyway,' she muttered. 'Come on, let's find the house.'
'What house?' the oh god moaned. 'And can you speak quieter, please?'
'There'll be a house,' said Susan, standing up. 'There's always a house. With four windows. And the smoke coming out of the chimney all curly like a spring. Look, this is a place like gr... Death's country. It's not really geography.'
The oh god walked over to the nearest tree and banged his head on it as if he hoped it was going to hurt.
'Feels like geo'fy,' he muttered.
'But have you ever seen a tree like that? A big green blob on a brown stick? It looks like a lollipop!' said Susan, pulling him along.
'Dunno. Firs' time I ever saw a tree. Arrgh. Somethin' dropped on m'head.' He blinked owlishly at the ground. ' 's red.'
'It's an apple,' she said. She sighed. 'Everyone knows apples are red.'
There were no bushes. But there were flowers, each with a couple of green leaves. They grew individually, dotted around the rolling green.
And then they were out of the trees and there, by a bend in the river, was the house.
It didn't look very big. There were four windows and a door. Corkscrew smoke curled out of the chimney.
'You know, it's a funny thing,' said Susan, staring at it. 'Twyla draws houses like that. And she practically lives in a mansion. I drew houses like that. And I was born in a palace. Why?'
'P'raps it's all this house,' muttered the oh. god miserably.
'What? You really think so? Kids' paintings are all of this place? It's in our heads?'
'Don't ask me, I was just making conversation,' said the oh god.
Susan hesitated. The words What Now? loomed. Should she just go and knock?
And she realized that was normal thinking...
In the glittering, clattering, chattering atmosphere a head waiter was having a difficult time. There were a lot of people in, and the staff should have been fully stretched, putting bicarbonate of soda in the white wine to make very expensive bubbles and cutting the vegetables very small to make them cost more.
Instead they were standing in a dejected group in the kitchen.
'Where did it all go?' screamed the manager. 'Someone's been through the cellar, too!'
'William said he felt a cold wind,' said the waiter. He'd been backed up against a hot plate, and now knew why it was called a hot plate in a way he hadn't fully comprehended before.
'I'll give him a cold wind! Haven't we got anything?'
'There's odds and ends. .
'You don't mean odds and ends, you mean des curieux et des bouts,' corrected the manager.
'Yeah, right, yeah. And, er, and, er . .
'There's nothing else?'
'Er... old boots. Muddy old boots.'
'Old...?'
'Boots. Lots of 'em,' said the waiter. He felt he was beginning to singe.
'How come we've got... vintage footwear?'
'Dunno. They just turned up, sir. The oven, s full of old boots. So's the pantry.'
'There's a hundred people booked in! All the shops'll be shut! Where's Chef?'
'William's trying to get him to come out of the privy, sir. He's locked himself in and is having one of his Moments.'
'Something's cooking. What's that I can smell?'
'Me, sir.'
'Old boots muttered the manager. 'Old boots... old boots... Leather, are they? Not clogs or rubber or anything?'
'Looks like... just boots. And lots of mud, sir.'
The manager took off his jacket. 'All right. Cot any cream, have we? Onions? Garlic? Butter? Some old beef bones? A bit of pastry?'
'Er, yes...'
The manager rubbed his hands together. 'Right,' he said, taking an apron off a hook. 'You there, get some water boiling! Lots of water! And find a really large hammer! And you, chop some onions! The rest of you, start sorting out the boots. I want the tongues out and the soles off. We'll do them... let's see... Mousse de la Boue dans une Panier de la Pate de Chaussures...'
'Where're we going to get that from, sir?'
'Mud mousse in a basket of shoe pastry. Get the idea? It's not our fault if even Quirmians don't understand restaurant Quirmian. It's not like lying, after all.'
'Well, it's a bit like ...' the waiter began. He'd been cursed with honesty at an early stage.
'Then there's Brodequin rфti Faзon Ombres . .
The manager sighed at the head waiter's panicky expression. 'Soldier's boot done in the Shades fashion,' he translated.
'Er... Shades fashion?'
'In mud. But if we cook the tongues separately we can put on Languette braisйe, too.'
'There's some ladies' shoes, sir,' said an underchef.
'Right. Add to the menu... Let's see now... Sole d'une Bonne Femme... and... yes... Servis dans un Coulis de Terre en I'Eau. That's mud, to you.'
'What about the laces, sir?' said another underchef.
'Good thinking. Dig out that recipe for Spaghetti Carbonara.'
'Sir?' said the head waiter.
'I started off as a chef,' said the manager, picking up a knife. 'How do you think I was able to afford this place? I know how it's done. Get the look and the sauce right and you're threequarters there.'
'But it's all going to be old boots!' said the waiter.
'Prime aged beef,' the manager corrected him. 'It'll tenderize in no time.'
'Anyway... anyway... we haven't got any soup
'Mud. And a lot of onions.'
'There's the puddings...'
'Mud. Let's see if we can get it to caramelize, you never know.'
'I can't even find the coffee... Still, they probably won't last till the coffee...'
'Mud. Cafe de Terre,' said the manager firmly. 'Genuine ground coffee.'
'Oh, they'll spot that, sir!'
'They haven't up till now,' said the manager darkly.
'We'll never get away with it, sir. Never.'
In the country of the sky on top, Medium Dave Lilywhite hauled another bag of money down the stairs.
'There must be thousands here,' said Chickenwire.
'Hundreds of thousands,' said Medium Dave.
'And what's all this stuff?' said Catseye, opening a box. ' 's just paper.' He tossed it aside.
Medium Dave sighed. He was all for class solidarity, but sometimes Catseye got on his nerves.
'They're title deeds,' he said. 'And they're better than money.'
Taper's better'n money?' said Catseye. 'Hah, if you can burn it you can't spend it, that's what I say.'
'Hang on,' said Chickenwire. 'I know about them. The Tooth Fairy owns property?'
'Cot to raise money somehow,' said Medium Dave. 'All those half-dollars under the pillow.'
'If we steal them, do they become ours?'
'Is that a trick question?' said Catseye, smirking.
'Yeah, but... ten thousand each doesn't sound such a lot, when you see all this.'
'He won't miss a ...'
'Gentlemen...'
They turned. Teatime was in the doorway.
'We were just... we were just piling up the stuff,' said Chickenwire.
'Yes. I know. I told you to.'
'Right. That's right. You did,' said Chickenwire gratefully.
'And there's such a lot,' said Teatime. He gave them a smile. Catseye coughed.
' 's got to be thousands,' said Medium Dave. 'And what about all these deeds and so on? Look, this one's for that pipe shop in Honey Trap Lane!
In Ankh-Morpork! I buy my tobacco there! Old Thimble is always moaning about the rent, too!'
'Ah. So you opened the strongboxes,' said Teatime pleasantly.
'Well... yes...'
'Fine. Fine,' said Teatime. 'I didn't ask you to, but... fine, fine.
And how did you think the Tooth Fairy made her money? Little gnomes in some mine somewhere? Fairy gold? But that turns to trash in the morning!'
He laughed. Chickenwire laughed. Even Medium Dave laughed. And then Teatime was on him, pushing him irresistibly backwards until he hit the wall.
There was a blur and he tried to blink and his left eyelid was suddenly a rose of pain.
Teatime's good eye was close to him, if you could call it good. The pupil was a dot. Medium Dave could just make out his hand, right by Medium Dave's face.
It was holding a knife. The point of the blade could only be the merest fraction of an inch from Medium Dave's right eye.
'I know people say I'd kill them as soon as look at them,' whispered Teatime. 'And in fact I'd much rather kill you than look at you, Mr Lilywhite. You stand in a castle of gold and plot to steal pennies. Oh, dear. What am I to do with you?'
He relaxed a little, but his hand still held the knife to Medium Dave's unblinking eye.
'You're thinking that Banjo is going to help
you,' he said. 'That's how it's always been, isn't it? But Banjo likes me. He really does. Banjo is my friend.'
Medium Dave managed to focus beyond Teatime's ear. His brother was just standing there, with the blank face he had while he waited for another order or a new thought to turn up.
'If I thought you were feeling bad thoughts about me I would be so downcast,' said Teatime. 'I do not have many friends left, Mr Medium Dave.'
He stood back and smiled happily. 'All friends now?' he said, as Medium Dave slumped down. 'Help him, Banjo.'
On cue, Banjo lumbered forward.
'Banjo has the heart of a little child,' said Teatime, the knife disappearing somewhere about his clothing. 'I believe I have, too.'
The others were frozen in place. They hadn't moved since the attack. Medium Dave was a heavy-set man and Teatime was a matchstick model, but he'd lifted Medium Dave off his feet like a feather.
'As far as the money goes, in fact, I really have no use for it,' said Teatime, sitting down on a sack of silver. 'It is small change. You may share it out amongst yourselves, and no doubt you'll squabble and doublecross one another more tiresomely. Oh, dear. It is so awful when friends fall out.'
He kicked the sack. It split. Silver and copper fell in an expensive trickle.
'And you'll swagger and spend it on drink and women,' he said, as they watched the coins roll into every corner of the room. 'The thought of investment will never cross your scarred little minds...'
There was a rumble from Banjo. Even Teatime waited patiently until the huge man had assembled a sentence. The result was:
'I gotta piggy bank.'
'And what would you do with a million dollars, Banjo?' said Teatime.
Another rumble. Banjo's face twisted up.
'Buy... a... bigger piggy bank?'
'Well done.' The Assassin stood up. 'Let's go and see how our wizard is getting on, shall we?'
He walked out of the room without looking back. After a moment Banjo followed.
The others tried not to look at one another's faces. Then Chickenwire said, 'Was he saying we could take the money and go?'
'Don't be bloody stupid, we wouldn't get ten yards,' said Medium Dave, still clutching his face. 'Ugh, this hurts. I think he cut the eyelid... he cut the damn eyelid...'
'Then let's just leave the stuff and go! I never joined up to ride on tigers!'
'And what'll you do when he comes after you?'
'Why'd he bother with the likes of us?'
'He's got time for his friends,' said Medium Dave bitterly. 'For gods' sakes, someone get me a clean rag or something...
'OK, but... but he can't look everywhere.'
Medium Dave shook his head. He'd been through AnkhMorpork's very own university of the streets and had graduated with his life and an intelligence made all the keener by constant friction. You only had to look into Teatime's mismatched eyes to know one thing, which was this: that if Teatime wanted to find you he would not look everywhere. He'd look in only one place, which would be the place where you were hiding.
'How come your brother likes him so much?'
Medium Dave grimaced. Banjo had always done what he was told, simply because Medium Dave had told him. Up to now, anyway.
It must have been that punch in the bar. Medium Dave didn't like to think about it. He'd always promised their mother that he'd look after Banjo,[21] and Banjo had gone back like a falling tree. And when Medium Dave had risen from his seat to punch Teatime's unbalanced lights out he'd suddenly found the Assassin already behind him, holding a knife. In front of everyone. It was humiliating, that's what it was
And then Banjo had sat up, looking puzzled, and spat out a tooth
'If it wasn't for Banjo going around with him all the time we could gang up on him,' said Catseye.
Medium Dave looked up, one hand clamping a handkerchief to his eye.
'Gang up on him?' he said.
'Yeah, it's all your fault,' Chickenwire went on.
'Oh, yeah? So it wasn't you who said, wow, ten thousand dollars, count me in?'
Chickenwire backed away. 'I didn't know there was going to be all this creepy stuff! I want to go home!'
Medium Dave hesitated, despite his pain and rage. This wasn't normal talk for Chickenwire, for all that he whined and grumbled. This was a strange place, no lie about that, and all that business with the teeth had been very... odd, but he'd been out with Chickenwire when jobs had gone wrong and both the Watch and the Thieves' Guild had been after them and he'd been as cool as anyone. And if the Guild had been the ones to catch them they'd have nailed their ears to their ankles and thrown them in the river. In Medium Dave's book, which was a simple book and largely written in mental crayon, things didn't get creepier than that.
'What's up with you?' he said. 'All of you you're acting like little kids!'
'Would he deliver to apes earlier than humans?'
'Interesting point, sir. Possibly you're referring to my theory that humans may have in fact descended from apes, of course,' said Ponder. 'A bold hypothesis which ought to sweep away the ignorance of centuries if the grants committee could just see their way clear to letting me hire a boat and sail around to the islands of ... '
'I just thought he might deliver alphabetically,' said Ridcully.
There was a patter of soot in the cold fireplace.
'That's presumably him now, do you think?' Ridcully went on. 'Oh, well, I thought we should check ...'
Something landed in the ashes. The two wizards stood quietly in the darkness while the figure picked itself up. There was a rustle of paper.
LET ME SEE NOW
There was a click as Ridcully's pipe fell out of his mouth.
'Who the hell are you?' he said. 'Mr Stibbons, light a candle!'
Death backed away.
I'M THE HOGFATHER, OF COURSE. ER. HO. HO. HO. WHO WOULD YOU EXPECT TO COME DOWN A CHIMNEY ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS, MAY I ASK?
'No, you're not!'
I AM. LOOK, I'VE GOT THE BEARD AND THE PILLOW AND EVERYTHING!
'You look extremely thin in the face!'
I'M... I... I'M NOT WELL. IT'S ALL... YES,
IT'S ALL THIS SHERRY. AND RUSHING AROUND. I AM A BIT ILL.
'Terminally, I should say.' Ridcully grabbed the beard. There was a twang as the string gave way.
'It's a false beard!'
NO IT'S NOT, said Death desperately.
'Here's the hooks for the ears, which must have given you a bit of trouble, I must say!'
Ridcully flourished the incriminating evidence.
'What were you doing coming down the chimney?' he continued. 'Not in marvellous taste, I think.'
Death waved a small grubby scrap of paper defensively.
OFFICIAL LETTER TO THE HOGFATHER. SAYS HERE... he began, and then looked at the paper again. WELL, QUITE A LOT, IN FACT. IT'S A LONG LIST. LIBRARY STAMPS, REFERENCE BOOKS, PENCILS, BANANAS...
'The Librarian asked the Hogfather for those things?' said Ridcully. 'Why?'
I DON'T KNOW, said Death. This was a diplomatic answer. He kept his finger over a reference to the Archchancellor. The orang-utan for 'duck's bottom' was quite an interesting squiggle.
'I've got plenty in my desk drawer,' mused Ridcully. 'I'm quite happy to give them out to any chap provided he can prove he's used up the old one.'
THEY MUST SHOW YOU AN ABSENCE OF PENCIL?
'Of course. If he needed essential materials he need only have come to me. No man can tell you I'm an unreasonable chap.'
Death checked the list carefully.
THAT IS PRECISELY CORRECT, he confirmed, with anthropological exactitude.
'Except for the bananas, of course. I wouldn't keep fish in my desk.'
Death looked down at the list and then back up at Ridcully.
GOOD? he said, in the hope that this was the right response.
Wizards know when they are going to die.[22] Ridcully had no such premonitions, and to Ponder's horror prodded Death in the cushion.
'Why you?' he said. 'What's happened to the other fellow?'
I SUPPOSE I MUST TELL YOU.
In the house of Death, a whisper of shifting sand and the faintest chink of moving glass, somewhere in the darkness of the floor...
And, in the dry shadows, the sharp smell of snow and a thud of hooves.
Sideney almost swallowed his tongue when Teatime appeared beside him.
'Are we making progress?'
'Gnk...'
'I'm sorry?' said Teatime.
Sideney recovered himself. 'Er... some,' he said. 'We think we've worked out... er... one lock.'
Light gleamed off Teatime's eye.
'I believe there are seven of them?' said the Assassin.
'Yes, but... they're half magic and half real and half not there... I mean... there's parts of them that don't exist all the time...'
Mr Brown, who had been working at one of the locks, laid down his pick.
' 't's no good, mister,' he said. 'Can't even get a purchase with a crowbar. Maybe if I went back to the city and got a couple of dragons we could do something. You can melt through steel with them if you twist their necks right and feed 'em carbon.'
'I was told you were the best locksmith in the city,' said Teatime.
Behind him, Banjo shifted position.
Mr Brown looked annoyed...
'Well, yes,' he said. 'But locks don't generally alter 'emselves while you're working on 'em, that's what I'm saying.'
'And I thought you could open any lock anyone ever made,' said Teatime.
'Made by humans,' said Mr Brown sharply. 'And most dwarfs. I dunno what made these. You never said anything about magic.'
'That's a shame,' said Teatime. 'Then really I have no more need of your services. You may as well go back home.'
'I won't be sorry.' Mr Brown started putting things back into his tool bag. 'What about my money?'
'Do I owe you any?'
'I came along with you. I don't see it's my fault that this is all magic business. I should get something.'
'Ah, yes, I see your point,' said Teatime. 'Of course, you should get what you deserve. Banjo?'
Banjo lumbered forward, and then stopped.
Mr Brown's hand had come out of the bag holding a crowbar.
'You must think I was born yesterday, you slimy little bugger,' he said. 'I know your type. You think it's all some kind of game. You make little jokes to yourself and you think no one else notices and you think you're so smart. Well, Mr Teacup, I'm leaving, right? Right now. With what's coming to me. And you ain't stopping me. And Banjo certainly ain't. I knew old Ma Lilywhite back in the good old days. You think you're nasty? You think you're mean? Ma Lilywhite'd tear your ears off and spit 'em in your eye, you cocky little devil. And I worked with her, so you don't scare me and nor does little Banjo, poor sod that he is.'
Mr Brown glared at each of them in turn, flourishing the crowbar. Sideney cowered in front of the doors.
He saw Teatime nod gracefully, as if the man had made a small speech of thanks.
'I appreciate your point of view,' said Teatime. 'And, I have to repeat, it's Teh-ah-tim-eh. Now, please, Banjo.'
Banjo loomed over Mr Brown, reached down and lifted him up by the crowbar so sharply that his feet came out of his boots.
'Here, you know me, Banjo!' the locksmith croaked, struggling in mid-air. 'I remembers you when you was little, I used to sit you on my knees, I often used to work for your ma...'
'D'you like apples?' Banjo rumbled.
Brown struggled.
'You got to say yes,' Banjo said.
'Yes!'
'D'You like pears? You got to say yes.'
'All right, yes!'
'D'you like falling down the stairs?'
Medium Dave held up his hands for quiet.
He glared at the gang.
'This place is getting to you, right? But we've all been in bad places before, right?'
'Not this bad,' said Chickenwire. 'I've never been anywhere where it hurts to look at the sky. It give me the creeps.'
'Chick's a little baby, nyer nyer nyer,' sang Careers.
They looked at him. He coughed nervously.
'Sorry... don't know why I said that. .
'If we stick together we'll be fine-'
'Teeny meeny minty me...' mumbled Catseye.
'What? What are you talking about?'
'Sorry... it just sort of slipped out...'
'What I'm trying to say,' said Medium Dave, 'is that if— '
'Peachy keeps making faces at me!'
'I didn't!'
'Liar, liar, pants on fire!'
Two things happened at this point. Medium Dave lost his temper, and Peachy screamed.
A small wisp of smoke was rising from his trousers.
He hopped around, beating desperately at himself.
'Who did that? Who did that?' demanded Medium Dave.
'I didn't see anyone,' said Chickenwire. 'I mean, no one was near him. Catseye said "pants on fire" and next minute...'
'Now he's sucking his thumb!' Catseye jeered. Nyer nyer nyer! Crying for Mummy! You know what happens to kids who suck their thumbs, there's this big monster with scissors all ...'
'Will you stop talking like that!' shouted Medium Dave. 'Blimey, it is like dealing with a bunch of-'
Someone screamed, high above. It went on for a while and seemed to be getting nearer, but then it stopped and was replaced by a rush of thumping and an occasional sound like a coconut being bounced on a stone floor.
Medium Dave got to the door just in time to see the body of Mr Brown the locksmith tumble past, moving quite fast and not at all neatly. A moment later his bag somersaulted around the curve of the stairs. It split as it bounced and there was a jangle as tools and lockpicks bounced out and followed their late owner.
He'd been moving quite fast. He'd probably roll all the way to the bottom.
Medium Dave looked up. Two turns above him, on the opposite side of the huge shaft, Banjo was watching him.
Banjo didn't know right from wrong. He'd always left that sort of thing to his brother.
'Er... poor guy must've slipped,' Medium Dave mumbled.
'Oh, yeah... slipped,' said Peachy.
He looked up, too.
It was funny. He hadn't noticed them before. The white tower had seemed to glow from within. But now there were shadows, moving across the stone. In the stone.
'What was that?' he said. 'That sound...
'What sound?'
'It sounded... like knives scraping,' said Peachy. 'Really close.'
'There's only us here!' said Medium Dave. 'What're you afraid of? Attack by daisies? Come on... let's go and help him...'
She couldn't walk through the door. It simply resisted any such effort. She ended up merely bruised. So Susan turned the doorknob instead.
She heard the oh god gasp. But she was used to the idea of buildings that were bigger on the inside. Her grandfather had never been able to get a handle on dimensions.
The second thing the eye was drawn to were the staircases. They started opposite one another in what was now a big round tower, its ceiling lost in the haze. The spirals circled into infinity.
Susan's eyes went back to the first thing.
It was a large conical heap in the middle of the floor.
It was white. It glistened in the cool light that shone down from the mists.
'It's teeth,' she said.
'I think I'm going to throw up,' said the oh god miserably.
'There's nothing that scary about teeth,' said Susan. She didn't mean it. The heap was very horrible indeed.
'Did I say I was scared? I'm just hung over again... Oh, me...'
Susan advanced on the heap, moving warily.
They were small teeth. Children's teeth. Whoever had piled them up hadn't been very careful about it, either. A few had been scattered across the floor. She knew because she trod on one, and the slippery little crunching sound made her desperate not to tread on any more.
Whoever had piled them up had presumably been the one who'd drawn the chalk marks around the obscene heap.
'There're so many,' whispered Bilious.
'At least twenty million, given the size of the average milk tooth,' said Susan. She was shocked to find that it came almost automatically.
'How can you possibly know that?'
'Volume of a cone,' said Susan. 'Pi times the square of the radius times the height divided by three. I bet Miss Butts never thought it'd come in handy in a place like this.'
'That's amazing. You did it in your head?'
'This isn't right,' said Susan quietly. 'I don't think this is what the Tooth Fairy is all about. All that effort to get the teeth, and then just to dump them like this? No. Anyway, there's a cigarette end on the floor. I don't see the Tooth Fairy as someone who rolls her own.'
She stared down at the chalk marks.
Voices high above her made her look up. She thought she saw a head look over the stair rail, and then draw back again. She didn't see much of the face, but what she saw didn't look fairylike.
She glanced back at the circle of chalk around the teeth. Someone had wanted all the teeth in one place and had drawn a circle to show people where they had to go.
There were a few symbols scrawled around the circle.
She had a good memory for small details. It was another family trait. And a small detail stirred in her memory like a sleepy bee.
'Oh, no,' she breathed. 'Surely no one would try to...'
Someone shouted, someone up in the whiteness.
A body rolled down the stairs nearest her. It had been a skinny, middle-aged man. Technically it still was, but the long spiral staircase had not been kind.
It tumbled across the white marble and slid to a boneless halt.
Then, as she hurried towards the body, it faded away, leaving nothing behind but a smear of blood.
A jingle noise made her look back up the stairs. Spinning over and over, making salmon leaps in the air, a crowbar bounded over the last dozen steps and landed point first on a flagstone, staying upright and vibrating.
Chickenwire reached the top of the stairs, panting.
'There's people down there, Mister Teatime!' he wheezed. 'Dave and the others've gone down to catch them, Mister Teatime!'
'Teh-ah-tim-eh,' said Teatime, without taking his eyes off the wizard.
'That's right, sir!'
'Well?' said Teatime. 'Just... do away with them.'
'Er... one of them's a girl, sir.'
Teatime still didn't look round. He waved a hand vaguely.
'Then do away with them politely.'
'Yes, Mister... yes, right...' Chickenwire coughed. 'Don't you want to find out why they're here, sir?'
'Good heavens, no. Why should I want to do that? Now go away.'
Chickenwire stood there for a moment, and then hurried off.
As he scurried down the stairs he thought he heard a creak, as of an ancient wooden door.
He went pale.
It was just a door, said the sensible bit in front of his brain. There were hundreds of them in this place, although, come to think of it, none of them had creaked.
The other bit, the bit that hung around in dark places nearly at the top of his spinal column, said: But it's not one of them, and you know it, because you know which door it really is...
He hadn't heard that creak for thirty years.
He gave a little yelp and started to take the stairs four at a time.
In the hollows and corners, the shadows grew darker.
Susan ran up a flight of stairs, dragging the oh god behind her.
'Do you know what they've been doing?' she said. 'You know why they've got all those teeth in a circle? The power... oh my...'
'I'm not going to,' said the head waiter, firmly.
'Look, I'll buy you a better pair after Hogswatch ...'
'There's two more Shoe Pastry, one for Purйe de la Terre and three more Tourte а la Boue,' said a waiter, hurrying in.
'Mud pies!' moaned the waiter. 'I can't believe we're selling mud pies. And now you want my boots!'
'With cream and sugar, mind you. A real taste of AnkhMorpork. And we can get at least four helpings off those boots. Fair's fair. We're all in our socks...'
'Table seven says the steaks were lovely but a bit tough,' said a waiter, rushing past.
'Right. Use a larger hammer next time and boil them for longer.' The manager turned back to the suffering head waiter. 'Look, Bill,' he said, taking him by the shoulder. 'This isn't food. No one expects it to be food. If people wanted food they'd stay at home, isn't that so? They come here for ambience. For the experience. This isn't cookery, Bill. This is cuisine. See? And they're coming back for more.'
'Yeah, but old boots . . . '
'Dwarfs eats rats,' said the manager. 'And trolls eat rocks. There's folks in Howondaland that eat insects and folks on the Counterweight Continent eat soup made out of bird spit. At least the boots have been on a cow.'
'And mud?' said the head waiter, gloomily.
'Isn't there an old proverb that says a man must eat a bushel of dirt before he dies?'
'Yes, but not all at once.'
'Bill?' said the manager, kindly, picking up a spatula.
'Yes, boss?'
'Get those damn boots off right now, will you?'
When Chickenwire reached the bottom of the tower he was trembling, and not just from the effort. He headed straight for the door until Medium Dave grabbed him.
'Let me out! It's after me!'
'Look at his face,' said Catseye. 'Looks like he's seen a ghost!'
'Yeah, well, it ain't a ghost,' muttered Chickenwire. 'It's worse'n a ghost...'
Medium Dave slapped him across the face.
'Pull yourself together! Look around! Nothing's chasing you! Anyway, it's not as though we couldn't put up a fight, right?'
Terror had had time to drain away a little. Chickenwire looked back up the stairs. There was nothing there.
'Good,' said Medium Dave, watching his face. 'Now... What happened?'
Chickenwire looked at his feet.
'I thought it was the wardrobe,' he muttered. 'Go on, laugh...'
They didn't laugh.
'What wardrobe?' said Catseye.
'Oh, when I was a kid...' Chickenwire waved his arms vaguely. 'We had this big ole wardrobe, if you must know. Oak. It had this... this... on the door there was this... sort of... face.' He looked at their faces, which were equally wooden. 'I mean, not an actual face, there was... all this... decoration round the keyhole, sort of flowers and leaves and stuff, but if you looked at it in the... right way... it was a face and they put it in my room 'cos it was so big and in the night... in the night... in the night...'
They were grown men or at least had lived for several decades, which in some societies is considered the same thing. But you had to stare at a man so creased up with dread.
'Yes?' said Catseye hoarsely.
'...it whispered things,' said Chickenwire, in a quiet little voice, like a vole in a dungeon.
They looked at one another.
'What things?' said Medium Dave.
'I don't know! I always had my head under the pillow! Anyway, it's just something from when I was a kid, all right? Our dad got rid of it in the finish. Burned it. And I watched.'
They mentally shook themselves, as people do when their minds emerge back into the light.
'It's like me and the dark,' said Catseye.
'Oh, don't you start,' said Medium Dave. 'Anyway, you ain't afraid of the dark. You're famed for it. I been working with you in all kinds of cellars and stuff. I mean, that's how you got your name. Catseye. Sees like a cat.'
'Yeah, well... you try an' make up for it, don't you?' said Catseye. "Cos when you're grown you know it's just shadows and stuff.
Besides, it ain't like the dark we used to have in the cellar.'
'Oh, they had a special kind of a dark when you was a lad, did they?' said Medium Dave. 'Not like the kind of dark you get these days, eh?'
Sarcasm didn't work.
'No,' said Catseye, simply. 'It wasn't. In our cellar, it wasn't.'
'Our mam used to wallop us if we went down to the cellar,' said Medium Dave. 'She had her still down there.'
'Yeah?' said Catseye, from somewhere far off. 'Well, our dad used to
wallop us if we tried to get out. Now shut up talking about it.'
They reached the bottom of the stairs.
There was an absence of anybody. And any body.
'He couldn't have survived that, could he?' said Medium Dave.
'I saw him as he went past,' said Catseye. 'Necks aren't supposed to bend that way...'
He squinted upwards.
'Who's that moving up there?'
'How are their necks moving?' quavered Chickenwire.
'Split up!' said Medium Dave. 'And this time all take a stairway. Then they can't come back down!'
'Who're they? Why're they here?'
'Why're we here?' said Peachy. He started, and looked behind him.
'Taking our money? After us putting up with him?'
'Yeah...' said Peachy distantly, trailing after the others. 'Er... did you hear that noise just then?'
'What noise?'
'A sort of clipping, snipping... ?'
'No.'
'No.'
'No. You must have imagined it.'
Peachy nodded miserably.
As he walked up the stairs, little shadows raced through the stone and followed his feet.
Susan darted off the stairs and dragged the oh god along a corridor lined with white doors.
'I think they saw us,' she said. 'And if they're tooth fairies there's been a really stupid equal opportunities policy...'
She pushed open a door.
There were no windows to the room, but it was lit perfectly well by the walls themselves. Down the middle of the room was something like a display case, its lid gaping open. Bits of card littered the floor.
She reached down and picked one up and read: 'Thomas Ague, aged 4 and nearly three quarters, 9 Castle View, Sto Lat'. The writing was in a meticulous rounded script.
She crossed the passage to another room, where there was the same scene of devastation.
'So now we know where the teeth were,' she said. 'They must've taken them out of everywhere and carried them downstairs.'
'What for?'
She sighed. 'It's such old magic it isn't even magic any more,' she said. 'If you've got a piece of someone's hair, or a nail clipping, or a tooth you can control them.'
The oh god tried to focus.
'That heap's controlling millions of children?'
'Yes. Adults too, by now.'
'And you... you could make them think things and do things?'
She nodded. 'Yes.'
'You could get them to open Dad's wallet and post the contents to some address?'
'Well, I hadn't thought of that, but yes, I suppose you could...'
'Or go downstairs and smash all the bottles in the drinks cabinet and promise never to take a drink when they grow up?' said the oh god hopefully.
'What are you talking about?'
'It's all right for you. You don't wake up every morning and see your whole life flush before your eyes.
Medium Dave and Catseye ran down the passage and stopped where it forked.
'You go that way, I'll...'
'Why don't we stick together?' said Catseye.
'What's got into everyone? I saw you bite the throats out of a coupla guard dogs when we did that job in Quirm! Want me to hold your hand? You check the doors down there, I'll check them along here.'
He walked off.
Catseye peered down the other passage.
There weren't many doors down there. It wasn't very long. And, as Teatime had said, there was nothing dangerous here that they hadn't brought with them.
He heard voices coming from a doorway and sagged with relief.
He could deal with humans.
As he approached, a sound made him look round.
Shadows were racing down the passage behind him. They cascaded down the walls and flowed over the ceiling.
Where shadows met they became darker. And darker.
And rose. And leapt.
'What was that?' said Susan.
'Sounded like the start of a scream,' said Bilious.
Susan threw open the door.
There was no one outside.
There was movement, though. She saw a patch of darkness in the corner of a wall shrink and fade, and another shadow slid around the bend of the corridor.
And there was a pair of boots in the centre of the corridor.
She hadn't remembered any boots there before.
She sniffed. The air tasted of rats, and damp, and mould.
'Let's get out of here,' she said.
'How're we going to find this Violet in all these rooms?'
'I don't know. I should be able to... sense her, but I can't.' Susan peered around the end of the corridor. She could hear men shouting, some way off.
They slipped out on to the stairs again and managed another flight. There were more rooms here, and in each one a cabinet that had been broken open.
Shadows moved in the corners. The effect was as though some invisible light source was gently shifting.
'This reminds me a lot of your... um... of your grandfather's place,' said the oh god.
'I know,' said Susan. 'There aren't any rules except the ones he makes up as he goes along. I can't see him being very happy if someone got in and started pulling the library apart...'
She stopped. When she spoke again her voice had a different tone.
'This is a children's place,' she said. 'The rules are what children believe.'
'Well, that's a relief.'
'You think so? Things aren't going to be right. In the Soul Cake Duck's country ducks can lay chocolate eggs, in the same way that Death's country is black and sombre because that's what people believe. He's very conventional about that sort of thing. Skull and bone decorations all over the place. And this place...'
'Pretty flowers and an odd sky.'
'I think it's going to be a lot worse than that. And very odd, too.'
'More odd than it is now?'
'I don't think it's possible to die here.'
'That man who fell down the stairs looked pretty dead to me.'
'Oh, you die. But not here. You... let's see... yes... you go somewhere else. Away. You're just not seen any more. That's about all you understand when you're three. Grandfather said it wasn't like that fifty years ago. He said you often couldn't see the bed for everyone having a good cry. Now they just tell the child that Grandma's gone. For three weeks Twyla thought her uncle'd been buried in the sad patch behind the garden shed along with Buster and Meepo and all three Bulgies.'
'Three Bulgies?'
'Gerbils. They tend to die a lot,' said Susan. 'The trick is to replace them when she's not looking. You really don't know anything, do you?'
'Er... hello?'
The voice came from the corridor.
They worked their way round to the next room.
There, sitting on the floor and tied to the leg of a white display case, was Violet. She looked up in apprehension, and then in bewilderment, and finally in growing recognition.
'Aren't you...?'
'Yes, yes, we see each other sometimes in Biers, and when you came for Twyla's last tooth you were so shocked that I could see you I had to give you a drink to get your nerves back,' said Susan, fumbling with the ropes. 'I don't think we've got a lot of time.'
'And who's he?'
The oh god tried to push his lank hair into place.
'Oh, he's just a god,' said Susan. 'His name's Bilious.'
'Do you drink at all?' said the oh god.
'What sort of quest-'
'He needs to know before he decides whether he hates you or not,' said Susan. 'It's a god thing.'
'No, I don't,' said Violet. 'What an idea. I've got the blue ribbon!'
The oh god raised his eyebrows at Susan.
'That means she's a member of Offler's League of Temperance,' said Susan. 'They sign a pledge not to touch alcohol. I can't think why. Of course, Offler's a crocodile. They don't go in bars much. They're into water.'
'Not touch alcohol at all?' said the oh god.
'Never!' said Violet. 'My dad's very strict about that sort of thing!'
After a moment Susan felt forced to wave a hand across their locked gaze.
'Can we get on?' she said. 'Good. Who brought you here, Violet?'
'I don't know! I was doing the collection as usual, and then I thought I heard someone following me, and then it all went dark, and when I came to we were... Have you seen what it's like outside?'
'Yes.'
'Well, we were there. The big one was carrying me. The one they call Banjo. He's not bad, just a bit... odd. Sort of... slow. He just watches me. The others are thugs. Watch out for the one with the glass eye. They're all afraid of him. Except Banjo.'
'Class eye?'
'He's dressed like an Assassin. He's called Teatime. I think they're trying to steal something... They spent ages carting the teeth out. Little teeth everywhere... It was horrible! Thank you,' she added to the oh god, who had helped her on to her feet.
'They've piled them up in a magic circle downstairs,' said Susan.
Violet's eyes and mouth formed three Os. It was like looking at a pink bowling ball.
'What for?'
'I think they're using them to control the children. By magic.'
Violet's mouth opened wider.
'That's horrid.'
Horrible, thought Susan. The word is 'horrible'. 'Horrid' is a childish word selected to impress nearby males with one's fragility, if I'm any judge. She knew it was unkind and counterproductive of her to think like that. She also knew it was probably an accurate observation, which only made it worse.
'Yes,' she said.
'There was a wizard! He's got a pointy hat!'
'I think we should get her out of here,' said the oh god, in a tone of voice that Susan considered was altogether too dramatic.
'Good idea,' she conceded. 'Let's go.'
Catseye's boots had snapped their laces. It was as if he'd been pulled upwards so fast they simply couldn't keep up.
She stopped.
'All children do it, anyway,' she muttered. 'Come on, let's find the house.'
'What house?' the oh god moaned. 'And can you speak quieter, please?'
'There'll be a house,' said Susan, standing up. 'There's always a house. With four windows. And the smoke coming out of the chimney all curly like a spring. Look, this is a place like gr... Death's country. It's not really geography.'
The oh god walked over to the nearest tree and banged his head on it as if he hoped it was going to hurt.
'Feels like geo'fy,' he muttered.
'But have you ever seen a tree like that? A big green blob on a brown stick? It looks like a lollipop!' said Susan, pulling him along.
'Dunno. Firs' time I ever saw a tree. Arrgh. Somethin' dropped on m'head.' He blinked owlishly at the ground. ' 's red.'
'It's an apple,' she said. She sighed. 'Everyone knows apples are red.'
There were no bushes. But there were flowers, each with a couple of green leaves. They grew individually, dotted around the rolling green.
And then they were out of the trees and there, by a bend in the river, was the house.
It didn't look very big. There were four windows and a door. Corkscrew smoke curled out of the chimney.
'You know, it's a funny thing,' said Susan, staring at it. 'Twyla draws houses like that. And she practically lives in a mansion. I drew houses like that. And I was born in a palace. Why?'
'P'raps it's all this house,' muttered the oh. god miserably.
'What? You really think so? Kids' paintings are all of this place? It's in our heads?'
'Don't ask me, I was just making conversation,' said the oh god.
Susan hesitated. The words What Now? loomed. Should she just go and knock?
And she realized that was normal thinking...
In the glittering, clattering, chattering atmosphere a head waiter was having a difficult time. There were a lot of people in, and the staff should have been fully stretched, putting bicarbonate of soda in the white wine to make very expensive bubbles and cutting the vegetables very small to make them cost more.
Instead they were standing in a dejected group in the kitchen.
'Where did it all go?' screamed the manager. 'Someone's been through the cellar, too!'
'William said he felt a cold wind,' said the waiter. He'd been backed up against a hot plate, and now knew why it was called a hot plate in a way he hadn't fully comprehended before.
'I'll give him a cold wind! Haven't we got anything?'
'There's odds and ends. .
'You don't mean odds and ends, you mean des curieux et des bouts,' corrected the manager.
'Yeah, right, yeah. And, er, and, er . .
'There's nothing else?'
'Er... old boots. Muddy old boots.'
'Old...?'
'Boots. Lots of 'em,' said the waiter. He felt he was beginning to singe.
'How come we've got... vintage footwear?'
'Dunno. They just turned up, sir. The oven, s full of old boots. So's the pantry.'
'There's a hundred people booked in! All the shops'll be shut! Where's Chef?'
'William's trying to get him to come out of the privy, sir. He's locked himself in and is having one of his Moments.'
'Something's cooking. What's that I can smell?'
'Me, sir.'
'Old boots muttered the manager. 'Old boots... old boots... Leather, are they? Not clogs or rubber or anything?'
'Looks like... just boots. And lots of mud, sir.'
The manager took off his jacket. 'All right. Cot any cream, have we? Onions? Garlic? Butter? Some old beef bones? A bit of pastry?'
'Er, yes...'
The manager rubbed his hands together. 'Right,' he said, taking an apron off a hook. 'You there, get some water boiling! Lots of water! And find a really large hammer! And you, chop some onions! The rest of you, start sorting out the boots. I want the tongues out and the soles off. We'll do them... let's see... Mousse de la Boue dans une Panier de la Pate de Chaussures...'
'Where're we going to get that from, sir?'
'Mud mousse in a basket of shoe pastry. Get the idea? It's not our fault if even Quirmians don't understand restaurant Quirmian. It's not like lying, after all.'
'Well, it's a bit like ...' the waiter began. He'd been cursed with honesty at an early stage.
'Then there's Brodequin rфti Faзon Ombres . .
The manager sighed at the head waiter's panicky expression. 'Soldier's boot done in the Shades fashion,' he translated.
'Er... Shades fashion?'
'In mud. But if we cook the tongues separately we can put on Languette braisйe, too.'
'There's some ladies' shoes, sir,' said an underchef.
'Right. Add to the menu... Let's see now... Sole d'une Bonne Femme... and... yes... Servis dans un Coulis de Terre en I'Eau. That's mud, to you.'
'What about the laces, sir?' said another underchef.
'Good thinking. Dig out that recipe for Spaghetti Carbonara.'
'Sir?' said the head waiter.
'I started off as a chef,' said the manager, picking up a knife. 'How do you think I was able to afford this place? I know how it's done. Get the look and the sauce right and you're threequarters there.'
'But it's all going to be old boots!' said the waiter.
'Prime aged beef,' the manager corrected him. 'It'll tenderize in no time.'
'Anyway... anyway... we haven't got any soup
'Mud. And a lot of onions.'
'There's the puddings...'
'Mud. Let's see if we can get it to caramelize, you never know.'
'I can't even find the coffee... Still, they probably won't last till the coffee...'
'Mud. Cafe de Terre,' said the manager firmly. 'Genuine ground coffee.'
'Oh, they'll spot that, sir!'
'They haven't up till now,' said the manager darkly.
'We'll never get away with it, sir. Never.'
In the country of the sky on top, Medium Dave Lilywhite hauled another bag of money down the stairs.
'There must be thousands here,' said Chickenwire.
'Hundreds of thousands,' said Medium Dave.
'And what's all this stuff?' said Catseye, opening a box. ' 's just paper.' He tossed it aside.
Medium Dave sighed. He was all for class solidarity, but sometimes Catseye got on his nerves.
'They're title deeds,' he said. 'And they're better than money.'
Taper's better'n money?' said Catseye. 'Hah, if you can burn it you can't spend it, that's what I say.'
'Hang on,' said Chickenwire. 'I know about them. The Tooth Fairy owns property?'
'Cot to raise money somehow,' said Medium Dave. 'All those half-dollars under the pillow.'
'If we steal them, do they become ours?'
'Is that a trick question?' said Catseye, smirking.
'Yeah, but... ten thousand each doesn't sound such a lot, when you see all this.'
'He won't miss a ...'
'Gentlemen...'
They turned. Teatime was in the doorway.
'We were just... we were just piling up the stuff,' said Chickenwire.
'Yes. I know. I told you to.'
'Right. That's right. You did,' said Chickenwire gratefully.
'And there's such a lot,' said Teatime. He gave them a smile. Catseye coughed.
' 's got to be thousands,' said Medium Dave. 'And what about all these deeds and so on? Look, this one's for that pipe shop in Honey Trap Lane!
In Ankh-Morpork! I buy my tobacco there! Old Thimble is always moaning about the rent, too!'
'Ah. So you opened the strongboxes,' said Teatime pleasantly.
'Well... yes...'
'Fine. Fine,' said Teatime. 'I didn't ask you to, but... fine, fine.
And how did you think the Tooth Fairy made her money? Little gnomes in some mine somewhere? Fairy gold? But that turns to trash in the morning!'
He laughed. Chickenwire laughed. Even Medium Dave laughed. And then Teatime was on him, pushing him irresistibly backwards until he hit the wall.
There was a blur and he tried to blink and his left eyelid was suddenly a rose of pain.
Teatime's good eye was close to him, if you could call it good. The pupil was a dot. Medium Dave could just make out his hand, right by Medium Dave's face.
It was holding a knife. The point of the blade could only be the merest fraction of an inch from Medium Dave's right eye.
'I know people say I'd kill them as soon as look at them,' whispered Teatime. 'And in fact I'd much rather kill you than look at you, Mr Lilywhite. You stand in a castle of gold and plot to steal pennies. Oh, dear. What am I to do with you?'
He relaxed a little, but his hand still held the knife to Medium Dave's unblinking eye.
'You're thinking that Banjo is going to help
you,' he said. 'That's how it's always been, isn't it? But Banjo likes me. He really does. Banjo is my friend.'
Medium Dave managed to focus beyond Teatime's ear. His brother was just standing there, with the blank face he had while he waited for another order or a new thought to turn up.
'If I thought you were feeling bad thoughts about me I would be so downcast,' said Teatime. 'I do not have many friends left, Mr Medium Dave.'
He stood back and smiled happily. 'All friends now?' he said, as Medium Dave slumped down. 'Help him, Banjo.'
On cue, Banjo lumbered forward.
'Banjo has the heart of a little child,' said Teatime, the knife disappearing somewhere about his clothing. 'I believe I have, too.'
The others were frozen in place. They hadn't moved since the attack. Medium Dave was a heavy-set man and Teatime was a matchstick model, but he'd lifted Medium Dave off his feet like a feather.
'As far as the money goes, in fact, I really have no use for it,' said Teatime, sitting down on a sack of silver. 'It is small change. You may share it out amongst yourselves, and no doubt you'll squabble and doublecross one another more tiresomely. Oh, dear. It is so awful when friends fall out.'
He kicked the sack. It split. Silver and copper fell in an expensive trickle.
'And you'll swagger and spend it on drink and women,' he said, as they watched the coins roll into every corner of the room. 'The thought of investment will never cross your scarred little minds...'
There was a rumble from Banjo. Even Teatime waited patiently until the huge man had assembled a sentence. The result was:
'I gotta piggy bank.'
'And what would you do with a million dollars, Banjo?' said Teatime.
Another rumble. Banjo's face twisted up.
'Buy... a... bigger piggy bank?'
'Well done.' The Assassin stood up. 'Let's go and see how our wizard is getting on, shall we?'
He walked out of the room without looking back. After a moment Banjo followed.
The others tried not to look at one another's faces. Then Chickenwire said, 'Was he saying we could take the money and go?'
'Don't be bloody stupid, we wouldn't get ten yards,' said Medium Dave, still clutching his face. 'Ugh, this hurts. I think he cut the eyelid... he cut the damn eyelid...'
'Then let's just leave the stuff and go! I never joined up to ride on tigers!'
'And what'll you do when he comes after you?'
'Why'd he bother with the likes of us?'
'He's got time for his friends,' said Medium Dave bitterly. 'For gods' sakes, someone get me a clean rag or something...
'OK, but... but he can't look everywhere.'
Medium Dave shook his head. He'd been through AnkhMorpork's very own university of the streets and had graduated with his life and an intelligence made all the keener by constant friction. You only had to look into Teatime's mismatched eyes to know one thing, which was this: that if Teatime wanted to find you he would not look everywhere. He'd look in only one place, which would be the place where you were hiding.
'How come your brother likes him so much?'
Medium Dave grimaced. Banjo had always done what he was told, simply because Medium Dave had told him. Up to now, anyway.
It must have been that punch in the bar. Medium Dave didn't like to think about it. He'd always promised their mother that he'd look after Banjo,[21] and Banjo had gone back like a falling tree. And when Medium Dave had risen from his seat to punch Teatime's unbalanced lights out he'd suddenly found the Assassin already behind him, holding a knife. In front of everyone. It was humiliating, that's what it was
And then Banjo had sat up, looking puzzled, and spat out a tooth
'If it wasn't for Banjo going around with him all the time we could gang up on him,' said Catseye.
Medium Dave looked up, one hand clamping a handkerchief to his eye.
'Gang up on him?' he said.
'Yeah, it's all your fault,' Chickenwire went on.
'Oh, yeah? So it wasn't you who said, wow, ten thousand dollars, count me in?'
Chickenwire backed away. 'I didn't know there was going to be all this creepy stuff! I want to go home!'
Medium Dave hesitated, despite his pain and rage. This wasn't normal talk for Chickenwire, for all that he whined and grumbled. This was a strange place, no lie about that, and all that business with the teeth had been very... odd, but he'd been out with Chickenwire when jobs had gone wrong and both the Watch and the Thieves' Guild had been after them and he'd been as cool as anyone. And if the Guild had been the ones to catch them they'd have nailed their ears to their ankles and thrown them in the river. In Medium Dave's book, which was a simple book and largely written in mental crayon, things didn't get creepier than that.
'What's up with you?' he said. 'All of you you're acting like little kids!'
'Would he deliver to apes earlier than humans?'
'Interesting point, sir. Possibly you're referring to my theory that humans may have in fact descended from apes, of course,' said Ponder. 'A bold hypothesis which ought to sweep away the ignorance of centuries if the grants committee could just see their way clear to letting me hire a boat and sail around to the islands of ... '
'I just thought he might deliver alphabetically,' said Ridcully.
There was a patter of soot in the cold fireplace.
'That's presumably him now, do you think?' Ridcully went on. 'Oh, well, I thought we should check ...'
Something landed in the ashes. The two wizards stood quietly in the darkness while the figure picked itself up. There was a rustle of paper.
LET ME SEE NOW
There was a click as Ridcully's pipe fell out of his mouth.
'Who the hell are you?' he said. 'Mr Stibbons, light a candle!'
Death backed away.
I'M THE HOGFATHER, OF COURSE. ER. HO. HO. HO. WHO WOULD YOU EXPECT TO COME DOWN A CHIMNEY ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS, MAY I ASK?
'No, you're not!'
I AM. LOOK, I'VE GOT THE BEARD AND THE PILLOW AND EVERYTHING!
'You look extremely thin in the face!'
I'M... I... I'M NOT WELL. IT'S ALL... YES,
IT'S ALL THIS SHERRY. AND RUSHING AROUND. I AM A BIT ILL.
'Terminally, I should say.' Ridcully grabbed the beard. There was a twang as the string gave way.
'It's a false beard!'
NO IT'S NOT, said Death desperately.
'Here's the hooks for the ears, which must have given you a bit of trouble, I must say!'
Ridcully flourished the incriminating evidence.
'What were you doing coming down the chimney?' he continued. 'Not in marvellous taste, I think.'
Death waved a small grubby scrap of paper defensively.
OFFICIAL LETTER TO THE HOGFATHER. SAYS HERE... he began, and then looked at the paper again. WELL, QUITE A LOT, IN FACT. IT'S A LONG LIST. LIBRARY STAMPS, REFERENCE BOOKS, PENCILS, BANANAS...
'The Librarian asked the Hogfather for those things?' said Ridcully. 'Why?'
I DON'T KNOW, said Death. This was a diplomatic answer. He kept his finger over a reference to the Archchancellor. The orang-utan for 'duck's bottom' was quite an interesting squiggle.
'I've got plenty in my desk drawer,' mused Ridcully. 'I'm quite happy to give them out to any chap provided he can prove he's used up the old one.'
THEY MUST SHOW YOU AN ABSENCE OF PENCIL?
'Of course. If he needed essential materials he need only have come to me. No man can tell you I'm an unreasonable chap.'
Death checked the list carefully.
THAT IS PRECISELY CORRECT, he confirmed, with anthropological exactitude.
'Except for the bananas, of course. I wouldn't keep fish in my desk.'
Death looked down at the list and then back up at Ridcully.
GOOD? he said, in the hope that this was the right response.
Wizards know when they are going to die.[22] Ridcully had no such premonitions, and to Ponder's horror prodded Death in the cushion.
'Why you?' he said. 'What's happened to the other fellow?'
I SUPPOSE I MUST TELL YOU.
In the house of Death, a whisper of shifting sand and the faintest chink of moving glass, somewhere in the darkness of the floor...
And, in the dry shadows, the sharp smell of snow and a thud of hooves.
Sideney almost swallowed his tongue when Teatime appeared beside him.
'Are we making progress?'
'Gnk...'
'I'm sorry?' said Teatime.
Sideney recovered himself. 'Er... some,' he said. 'We think we've worked out... er... one lock.'
Light gleamed off Teatime's eye.
'I believe there are seven of them?' said the Assassin.
'Yes, but... they're half magic and half real and half not there... I mean... there's parts of them that don't exist all the time...'
Mr Brown, who had been working at one of the locks, laid down his pick.
' 't's no good, mister,' he said. 'Can't even get a purchase with a crowbar. Maybe if I went back to the city and got a couple of dragons we could do something. You can melt through steel with them if you twist their necks right and feed 'em carbon.'
'I was told you were the best locksmith in the city,' said Teatime.
Behind him, Banjo shifted position.
Mr Brown looked annoyed...
'Well, yes,' he said. 'But locks don't generally alter 'emselves while you're working on 'em, that's what I'm saying.'
'And I thought you could open any lock anyone ever made,' said Teatime.
'Made by humans,' said Mr Brown sharply. 'And most dwarfs. I dunno what made these. You never said anything about magic.'
'That's a shame,' said Teatime. 'Then really I have no more need of your services. You may as well go back home.'
'I won't be sorry.' Mr Brown started putting things back into his tool bag. 'What about my money?'
'Do I owe you any?'
'I came along with you. I don't see it's my fault that this is all magic business. I should get something.'
'Ah, yes, I see your point,' said Teatime. 'Of course, you should get what you deserve. Banjo?'
Banjo lumbered forward, and then stopped.
Mr Brown's hand had come out of the bag holding a crowbar.
'You must think I was born yesterday, you slimy little bugger,' he said. 'I know your type. You think it's all some kind of game. You make little jokes to yourself and you think no one else notices and you think you're so smart. Well, Mr Teacup, I'm leaving, right? Right now. With what's coming to me. And you ain't stopping me. And Banjo certainly ain't. I knew old Ma Lilywhite back in the good old days. You think you're nasty? You think you're mean? Ma Lilywhite'd tear your ears off and spit 'em in your eye, you cocky little devil. And I worked with her, so you don't scare me and nor does little Banjo, poor sod that he is.'
Mr Brown glared at each of them in turn, flourishing the crowbar. Sideney cowered in front of the doors.
He saw Teatime nod gracefully, as if the man had made a small speech of thanks.
'I appreciate your point of view,' said Teatime. 'And, I have to repeat, it's Teh-ah-tim-eh. Now, please, Banjo.'
Banjo loomed over Mr Brown, reached down and lifted him up by the crowbar so sharply that his feet came out of his boots.
'Here, you know me, Banjo!' the locksmith croaked, struggling in mid-air. 'I remembers you when you was little, I used to sit you on my knees, I often used to work for your ma...'
'D'you like apples?' Banjo rumbled.
Brown struggled.
'You got to say yes,' Banjo said.
'Yes!'
'D'You like pears? You got to say yes.'
'All right, yes!'
'D'you like falling down the stairs?'
Medium Dave held up his hands for quiet.
He glared at the gang.
'This place is getting to you, right? But we've all been in bad places before, right?'
'Not this bad,' said Chickenwire. 'I've never been anywhere where it hurts to look at the sky. It give me the creeps.'
'Chick's a little baby, nyer nyer nyer,' sang Careers.
They looked at him. He coughed nervously.
'Sorry... don't know why I said that. .
'If we stick together we'll be fine-'
'Teeny meeny minty me...' mumbled Catseye.
'What? What are you talking about?'
'Sorry... it just sort of slipped out...'
'What I'm trying to say,' said Medium Dave, 'is that if— '
'Peachy keeps making faces at me!'
'I didn't!'
'Liar, liar, pants on fire!'
Two things happened at this point. Medium Dave lost his temper, and Peachy screamed.
A small wisp of smoke was rising from his trousers.
He hopped around, beating desperately at himself.
'Who did that? Who did that?' demanded Medium Dave.
'I didn't see anyone,' said Chickenwire. 'I mean, no one was near him. Catseye said "pants on fire" and next minute...'
'Now he's sucking his thumb!' Catseye jeered. Nyer nyer nyer! Crying for Mummy! You know what happens to kids who suck their thumbs, there's this big monster with scissors all ...'
'Will you stop talking like that!' shouted Medium Dave. 'Blimey, it is like dealing with a bunch of-'
Someone screamed, high above. It went on for a while and seemed to be getting nearer, but then it stopped and was replaced by a rush of thumping and an occasional sound like a coconut being bounced on a stone floor.
Medium Dave got to the door just in time to see the body of Mr Brown the locksmith tumble past, moving quite fast and not at all neatly. A moment later his bag somersaulted around the curve of the stairs. It split as it bounced and there was a jangle as tools and lockpicks bounced out and followed their late owner.
He'd been moving quite fast. He'd probably roll all the way to the bottom.
Medium Dave looked up. Two turns above him, on the opposite side of the huge shaft, Banjo was watching him.
Banjo didn't know right from wrong. He'd always left that sort of thing to his brother.
'Er... poor guy must've slipped,' Medium Dave mumbled.
'Oh, yeah... slipped,' said Peachy.
He looked up, too.
It was funny. He hadn't noticed them before. The white tower had seemed to glow from within. But now there were shadows, moving across the stone. In the stone.
'What was that?' he said. 'That sound...
'What sound?'
'It sounded... like knives scraping,' said Peachy. 'Really close.'
'There's only us here!' said Medium Dave. 'What're you afraid of? Attack by daisies? Come on... let's go and help him...'
She couldn't walk through the door. It simply resisted any such effort. She ended up merely bruised. So Susan turned the doorknob instead.
She heard the oh god gasp. But she was used to the idea of buildings that were bigger on the inside. Her grandfather had never been able to get a handle on dimensions.
The second thing the eye was drawn to were the staircases. They started opposite one another in what was now a big round tower, its ceiling lost in the haze. The spirals circled into infinity.
Susan's eyes went back to the first thing.
It was a large conical heap in the middle of the floor.
It was white. It glistened in the cool light that shone down from the mists.
'It's teeth,' she said.
'I think I'm going to throw up,' said the oh god miserably.
'There's nothing that scary about teeth,' said Susan. She didn't mean it. The heap was very horrible indeed.
'Did I say I was scared? I'm just hung over again... Oh, me...'
Susan advanced on the heap, moving warily.
They were small teeth. Children's teeth. Whoever had piled them up hadn't been very careful about it, either. A few had been scattered across the floor. She knew because she trod on one, and the slippery little crunching sound made her desperate not to tread on any more.
Whoever had piled them up had presumably been the one who'd drawn the chalk marks around the obscene heap.
'There're so many,' whispered Bilious.
'At least twenty million, given the size of the average milk tooth,' said Susan. She was shocked to find that it came almost automatically.
'How can you possibly know that?'
'Volume of a cone,' said Susan. 'Pi times the square of the radius times the height divided by three. I bet Miss Butts never thought it'd come in handy in a place like this.'
'That's amazing. You did it in your head?'
'This isn't right,' said Susan quietly. 'I don't think this is what the Tooth Fairy is all about. All that effort to get the teeth, and then just to dump them like this? No. Anyway, there's a cigarette end on the floor. I don't see the Tooth Fairy as someone who rolls her own.'
She stared down at the chalk marks.
Voices high above her made her look up. She thought she saw a head look over the stair rail, and then draw back again. She didn't see much of the face, but what she saw didn't look fairylike.
She glanced back at the circle of chalk around the teeth. Someone had wanted all the teeth in one place and had drawn a circle to show people where they had to go.
There were a few symbols scrawled around the circle.
She had a good memory for small details. It was another family trait. And a small detail stirred in her memory like a sleepy bee.
'Oh, no,' she breathed. 'Surely no one would try to...'
Someone shouted, someone up in the whiteness.
A body rolled down the stairs nearest her. It had been a skinny, middle-aged man. Technically it still was, but the long spiral staircase had not been kind.
It tumbled across the white marble and slid to a boneless halt.
Then, as she hurried towards the body, it faded away, leaving nothing behind but a smear of blood.
A jingle noise made her look back up the stairs. Spinning over and over, making salmon leaps in the air, a crowbar bounded over the last dozen steps and landed point first on a flagstone, staying upright and vibrating.
Chickenwire reached the top of the stairs, panting.
'There's people down there, Mister Teatime!' he wheezed. 'Dave and the others've gone down to catch them, Mister Teatime!'
'Teh-ah-tim-eh,' said Teatime, without taking his eyes off the wizard.
'That's right, sir!'
'Well?' said Teatime. 'Just... do away with them.'
'Er... one of them's a girl, sir.'
Teatime still didn't look round. He waved a hand vaguely.
'Then do away with them politely.'
'Yes, Mister... yes, right...' Chickenwire coughed. 'Don't you want to find out why they're here, sir?'
'Good heavens, no. Why should I want to do that? Now go away.'
Chickenwire stood there for a moment, and then hurried off.
As he scurried down the stairs he thought he heard a creak, as of an ancient wooden door.
He went pale.
It was just a door, said the sensible bit in front of his brain. There were hundreds of them in this place, although, come to think of it, none of them had creaked.
The other bit, the bit that hung around in dark places nearly at the top of his spinal column, said: But it's not one of them, and you know it, because you know which door it really is...
He hadn't heard that creak for thirty years.
He gave a little yelp and started to take the stairs four at a time.
In the hollows and corners, the shadows grew darker.
Susan ran up a flight of stairs, dragging the oh god behind her.
'Do you know what they've been doing?' she said. 'You know why they've got all those teeth in a circle? The power... oh my...'
'I'm not going to,' said the head waiter, firmly.
'Look, I'll buy you a better pair after Hogswatch ...'
'There's two more Shoe Pastry, one for Purйe de la Terre and three more Tourte а la Boue,' said a waiter, hurrying in.
'Mud pies!' moaned the waiter. 'I can't believe we're selling mud pies. And now you want my boots!'
'With cream and sugar, mind you. A real taste of AnkhMorpork. And we can get at least four helpings off those boots. Fair's fair. We're all in our socks...'
'Table seven says the steaks were lovely but a bit tough,' said a waiter, rushing past.
'Right. Use a larger hammer next time and boil them for longer.' The manager turned back to the suffering head waiter. 'Look, Bill,' he said, taking him by the shoulder. 'This isn't food. No one expects it to be food. If people wanted food they'd stay at home, isn't that so? They come here for ambience. For the experience. This isn't cookery, Bill. This is cuisine. See? And they're coming back for more.'
'Yeah, but old boots . . . '
'Dwarfs eats rats,' said the manager. 'And trolls eat rocks. There's folks in Howondaland that eat insects and folks on the Counterweight Continent eat soup made out of bird spit. At least the boots have been on a cow.'
'And mud?' said the head waiter, gloomily.
'Isn't there an old proverb that says a man must eat a bushel of dirt before he dies?'
'Yes, but not all at once.'
'Bill?' said the manager, kindly, picking up a spatula.
'Yes, boss?'
'Get those damn boots off right now, will you?'
When Chickenwire reached the bottom of the tower he was trembling, and not just from the effort. He headed straight for the door until Medium Dave grabbed him.
'Let me out! It's after me!'
'Look at his face,' said Catseye. 'Looks like he's seen a ghost!'
'Yeah, well, it ain't a ghost,' muttered Chickenwire. 'It's worse'n a ghost...'
Medium Dave slapped him across the face.
'Pull yourself together! Look around! Nothing's chasing you! Anyway, it's not as though we couldn't put up a fight, right?'
Terror had had time to drain away a little. Chickenwire looked back up the stairs. There was nothing there.
'Good,' said Medium Dave, watching his face. 'Now... What happened?'
Chickenwire looked at his feet.
'I thought it was the wardrobe,' he muttered. 'Go on, laugh...'
They didn't laugh.
'What wardrobe?' said Catseye.
'Oh, when I was a kid...' Chickenwire waved his arms vaguely. 'We had this big ole wardrobe, if you must know. Oak. It had this... this... on the door there was this... sort of... face.' He looked at their faces, which were equally wooden. 'I mean, not an actual face, there was... all this... decoration round the keyhole, sort of flowers and leaves and stuff, but if you looked at it in the... right way... it was a face and they put it in my room 'cos it was so big and in the night... in the night... in the night...'
They were grown men or at least had lived for several decades, which in some societies is considered the same thing. But you had to stare at a man so creased up with dread.
'Yes?' said Catseye hoarsely.
'...it whispered things,' said Chickenwire, in a quiet little voice, like a vole in a dungeon.
They looked at one another.
'What things?' said Medium Dave.
'I don't know! I always had my head under the pillow! Anyway, it's just something from when I was a kid, all right? Our dad got rid of it in the finish. Burned it. And I watched.'
They mentally shook themselves, as people do when their minds emerge back into the light.
'It's like me and the dark,' said Catseye.
'Oh, don't you start,' said Medium Dave. 'Anyway, you ain't afraid of the dark. You're famed for it. I been working with you in all kinds of cellars and stuff. I mean, that's how you got your name. Catseye. Sees like a cat.'
'Yeah, well... you try an' make up for it, don't you?' said Catseye. "Cos when you're grown you know it's just shadows and stuff.
Besides, it ain't like the dark we used to have in the cellar.'
'Oh, they had a special kind of a dark when you was a lad, did they?' said Medium Dave. 'Not like the kind of dark you get these days, eh?'
Sarcasm didn't work.
'No,' said Catseye, simply. 'It wasn't. In our cellar, it wasn't.'
'Our mam used to wallop us if we went down to the cellar,' said Medium Dave. 'She had her still down there.'
'Yeah?' said Catseye, from somewhere far off. 'Well, our dad used to
wallop us if we tried to get out. Now shut up talking about it.'
They reached the bottom of the stairs.
There was an absence of anybody. And any body.
'He couldn't have survived that, could he?' said Medium Dave.
'I saw him as he went past,' said Catseye. 'Necks aren't supposed to bend that way...'
He squinted upwards.
'Who's that moving up there?'
'How are their necks moving?' quavered Chickenwire.
'Split up!' said Medium Dave. 'And this time all take a stairway. Then they can't come back down!'
'Who're they? Why're they here?'
'Why're we here?' said Peachy. He started, and looked behind him.
'Taking our money? After us putting up with him?'
'Yeah...' said Peachy distantly, trailing after the others. 'Er... did you hear that noise just then?'
'What noise?'
'A sort of clipping, snipping... ?'
'No.'
'No.'
'No. You must have imagined it.'
Peachy nodded miserably.
As he walked up the stairs, little shadows raced through the stone and followed his feet.
Susan darted off the stairs and dragged the oh god along a corridor lined with white doors.
'I think they saw us,' she said. 'And if they're tooth fairies there's been a really stupid equal opportunities policy...'
She pushed open a door.
There were no windows to the room, but it was lit perfectly well by the walls themselves. Down the middle of the room was something like a display case, its lid gaping open. Bits of card littered the floor.
She reached down and picked one up and read: 'Thomas Ague, aged 4 and nearly three quarters, 9 Castle View, Sto Lat'. The writing was in a meticulous rounded script.
She crossed the passage to another room, where there was the same scene of devastation.
'So now we know where the teeth were,' she said. 'They must've taken them out of everywhere and carried them downstairs.'
'What for?'
She sighed. 'It's such old magic it isn't even magic any more,' she said. 'If you've got a piece of someone's hair, or a nail clipping, or a tooth you can control them.'
The oh god tried to focus.
'That heap's controlling millions of children?'
'Yes. Adults too, by now.'
'And you... you could make them think things and do things?'
She nodded. 'Yes.'
'You could get them to open Dad's wallet and post the contents to some address?'
'Well, I hadn't thought of that, but yes, I suppose you could...'
'Or go downstairs and smash all the bottles in the drinks cabinet and promise never to take a drink when they grow up?' said the oh god hopefully.
'What are you talking about?'
'It's all right for you. You don't wake up every morning and see your whole life flush before your eyes.
Medium Dave and Catseye ran down the passage and stopped where it forked.
'You go that way, I'll...'
'Why don't we stick together?' said Catseye.
'What's got into everyone? I saw you bite the throats out of a coupla guard dogs when we did that job in Quirm! Want me to hold your hand? You check the doors down there, I'll check them along here.'
He walked off.
Catseye peered down the other passage.
There weren't many doors down there. It wasn't very long. And, as Teatime had said, there was nothing dangerous here that they hadn't brought with them.
He heard voices coming from a doorway and sagged with relief.
He could deal with humans.
As he approached, a sound made him look round.
Shadows were racing down the passage behind him. They cascaded down the walls and flowed over the ceiling.
Where shadows met they became darker. And darker.
And rose. And leapt.
'What was that?' said Susan.
'Sounded like the start of a scream,' said Bilious.
Susan threw open the door.
There was no one outside.
There was movement, though. She saw a patch of darkness in the corner of a wall shrink and fade, and another shadow slid around the bend of the corridor.
And there was a pair of boots in the centre of the corridor.
She hadn't remembered any boots there before.
She sniffed. The air tasted of rats, and damp, and mould.
'Let's get out of here,' she said.
'How're we going to find this Violet in all these rooms?'
'I don't know. I should be able to... sense her, but I can't.' Susan peered around the end of the corridor. She could hear men shouting, some way off.
They slipped out on to the stairs again and managed another flight. There were more rooms here, and in each one a cabinet that had been broken open.
Shadows moved in the corners. The effect was as though some invisible light source was gently shifting.
'This reminds me a lot of your... um... of your grandfather's place,' said the oh god.
'I know,' said Susan. 'There aren't any rules except the ones he makes up as he goes along. I can't see him being very happy if someone got in and started pulling the library apart...'
She stopped. When she spoke again her voice had a different tone.
'This is a children's place,' she said. 'The rules are what children believe.'
'Well, that's a relief.'
'You think so? Things aren't going to be right. In the Soul Cake Duck's country ducks can lay chocolate eggs, in the same way that Death's country is black and sombre because that's what people believe. He's very conventional about that sort of thing. Skull and bone decorations all over the place. And this place...'
'Pretty flowers and an odd sky.'
'I think it's going to be a lot worse than that. And very odd, too.'
'More odd than it is now?'
'I don't think it's possible to die here.'
'That man who fell down the stairs looked pretty dead to me.'
'Oh, you die. But not here. You... let's see... yes... you go somewhere else. Away. You're just not seen any more. That's about all you understand when you're three. Grandfather said it wasn't like that fifty years ago. He said you often couldn't see the bed for everyone having a good cry. Now they just tell the child that Grandma's gone. For three weeks Twyla thought her uncle'd been buried in the sad patch behind the garden shed along with Buster and Meepo and all three Bulgies.'
'Three Bulgies?'
'Gerbils. They tend to die a lot,' said Susan. 'The trick is to replace them when she's not looking. You really don't know anything, do you?'
'Er... hello?'
The voice came from the corridor.
They worked their way round to the next room.
There, sitting on the floor and tied to the leg of a white display case, was Violet. She looked up in apprehension, and then in bewilderment, and finally in growing recognition.
'Aren't you...?'
'Yes, yes, we see each other sometimes in Biers, and when you came for Twyla's last tooth you were so shocked that I could see you I had to give you a drink to get your nerves back,' said Susan, fumbling with the ropes. 'I don't think we've got a lot of time.'
'And who's he?'
The oh god tried to push his lank hair into place.
'Oh, he's just a god,' said Susan. 'His name's Bilious.'
'Do you drink at all?' said the oh god.
'What sort of quest-'
'He needs to know before he decides whether he hates you or not,' said Susan. 'It's a god thing.'
'No, I don't,' said Violet. 'What an idea. I've got the blue ribbon!'
The oh god raised his eyebrows at Susan.
'That means she's a member of Offler's League of Temperance,' said Susan. 'They sign a pledge not to touch alcohol. I can't think why. Of course, Offler's a crocodile. They don't go in bars much. They're into water.'
'Not touch alcohol at all?' said the oh god.
'Never!' said Violet. 'My dad's very strict about that sort of thing!'
After a moment Susan felt forced to wave a hand across their locked gaze.
'Can we get on?' she said. 'Good. Who brought you here, Violet?'
'I don't know! I was doing the collection as usual, and then I thought I heard someone following me, and then it all went dark, and when I came to we were... Have you seen what it's like outside?'
'Yes.'
'Well, we were there. The big one was carrying me. The one they call Banjo. He's not bad, just a bit... odd. Sort of... slow. He just watches me. The others are thugs. Watch out for the one with the glass eye. They're all afraid of him. Except Banjo.'
'Class eye?'
'He's dressed like an Assassin. He's called Teatime. I think they're trying to steal something... They spent ages carting the teeth out. Little teeth everywhere... It was horrible! Thank you,' she added to the oh god, who had helped her on to her feet.
'They've piled them up in a magic circle downstairs,' said Susan.
Violet's eyes and mouth formed three Os. It was like looking at a pink bowling ball.
'What for?'
'I think they're using them to control the children. By magic.'
Violet's mouth opened wider.
'That's horrid.'
Horrible, thought Susan. The word is 'horrible'. 'Horrid' is a childish word selected to impress nearby males with one's fragility, if I'm any judge. She knew it was unkind and counterproductive of her to think like that. She also knew it was probably an accurate observation, which only made it worse.
'Yes,' she said.
'There was a wizard! He's got a pointy hat!'
'I think we should get her out of here,' said the oh god, in a tone of voice that Susan considered was altogether too dramatic.
'Good idea,' she conceded. 'Let's go.'
Catseye's boots had snapped their laces. It was as if he'd been pulled upwards so fast they simply couldn't keep up.