our savage treatment of the HOUYHNHNM race; particularly.
after I had explained the manner and use of castrating horses
among us, to hinder them from propagating their kind, and to
render them more servile. He said, "if it were possible there could
be any country where YAHOOS alone were endued with reason,
they certainly must be the governing animal; because reason in
time will always prevail against brutal strength. But, considering
the frame of our bodies, and especially of mine, he thought no
creature of equal bulk was so ill-contrived for employing that
reason in the common offices of life;" whereupon he desired to
know whether those among whom I lived resembled me, or the
YAHOOS of his country?" I assured him, "that I was as well
shaped as most of my age; but the younger, and the females, were
much more soft and tender, and the skins of the latter generally as
white as milk." He said, "I differed indeed from other YAHOOS,
being much more cleanly, and not altogether so deformed; but, in
point of real advantage, he thought I differed for the worse: that
my nails were of no use either to my fore or hinder feet; as to my
fore feet, he could not properly call them by that name, for he
never observed me to walk upon them; that they were too soft to
bear the ground; that I generally went with them uncovered;
neither was the covering I sometimes wore on them of the same
shape, or so strong as that on my feet behind: that I could not walk
with any security, for if either of my hinder feet slipped, I must
inevitably fail." He then began to find fault with other parts of my
body: "the flatness of my face, the prominence of my nose, mine
eyes placed directly in front, so that I could not look on either side
without turning my head: that I was not able to feed myself,
without lifting one of my fore-feet to my mouth: and therefore
nature had placed those joints to answer that necessity. He knew.
not what could be the use of those several clefts and divisions in
my feet behind; that these were too soft to bear the hardness and
sharpness of stones, without a covering made from the skin of
some other brute; that my whole body wanted a fence against heat
and cold, which I was forced to put on and off every day, with
tediousness and trouble: and lastly, that he observed every animal
in this country naturally to abhor the YAHOOS, whom the weaker
avoided, and the stronger drove from them. So that, supposing us
to have the gift of reason, he could not see how it were possible to
cure that natural antipathy, which every creature discovered
against us; nor consequently how we could tame and render them
serviceable. However, he would," as he said, "debate the matter
no farther, because he was more desirous to know my own story,
the country where I was born, and the several actions and events
of my life, before I came hither."
I assured him, "how extremely desirous I was that he should be
satisfied on every point; but I doubted much, whether it would be
possible for me to explain myself on several subjects, whereof his
honour could have no conception; because I saw nothing in his
country to which I could resemble them; that, however, I would
do my best, and strive to express myself by similitudes, humbly
desiring his assistance when I wanted proper words;" which he
was pleased to promise me.
I said, "my birth was of honest parents, in an island called
England; which was remote from his country, as many days'
journey as the strongest of his honour's servants could travel in the
annual course of the sun; that I was bred a surgeon, whose trade it.
is to cure wounds and hurts in the body, gotten by accident or
violence; that my country was governed by a female man, whom
we called queen; that I left it to get riches, whereby I might
maintain myself and family, when I should return; that, in my last
voyage, I was commander of the ship, and had about fifty
YAHOOS under me, many of which died at sea, and I was forced
to supply them by others picked out from several nations; that our
ship was twice in danger of being sunk, the first time by a great
storm, and the second by striking against a rock." Here my master
interposed, by asking me, "how I could persuade strangers, out of
different countries, to venture with me, after the losses I had
sustained, and the hazards I had run?" I said, "they were fellows of
desperate fortunes, forced to fly from the places of their birth on
account of their poverty or their crimes. Some were undone by
lawsuits; others spent all they had in drinking, whoring, and
gaming; others fled for treason; many for murder, theft, poisoning,
robbery, perjury, forgery, coining false money, for committing
rapes, or sodomy; for flying from their colours, or deserting to the
enemy; and most of them had broken prison; none of these durst
return to their native countries, for fear of being hanged, or of
starving in a jail; and therefore they were under the necessity of
seeking a livelihood in other places."
During this discourse, my master was pleased to interrupt me
several times. I had made use of many circumlocutions in
describing to him the nature of the several crimes for which most
of our crew had been forced to fly their country. This labour took
up several days' conversation, before he was able to comprehend
me. He was wholly at a loss to know what could be the use or.
necessity of practising those vices. To clear up which, I
endeavoured to give some ideas of the desire of power and riches;
of the terrible effects of lust, intemperance, malice, and envy. All
this I was forced to define and describe by putting cases and
making suppositions. After which, like one whose imagination
was struck with something never seen or heard of before, he
would lift up his eyes with amazement and indignation. Power,
government, war, law, punishment, and a thousand other things,
had no terms wherein that language could express them, which
made the difficulty almost insuperable, to give my master any
conception of what I meant. But being of an excellent
understanding, much improved by contemplation and converse,
he at last arrived at a competent knowledge of what human nature,
in our parts of the world, is capable to perform, and desired I
would give him some particular account of that land which we
call Europe, but especially of my own country..
[The author at his master's command, informs him of the state of
England. The causes of war among the princes of Europe. The
author begins to explain the English constitution.]
The reader may please to observe, that the following extract of
many conversations I had with my master, contains a summary of
the most material points which were discoursed at several times
for above two years; his honour often desiring fuller satisfaction,
as I farther improved in the HOUYHNHNM tongue. I laid before
him, as well as I could, the whole state of Europe; I discoursed of
trade and manufactures, of arts and sciences; and the answers I
gave to all the questions he made, as they arose upon several
subjects, were a fund of conversation not to be exhausted. But I
shall here only set down the substance of what passed between us
concerning my own country, reducing it in order as well as I can,
without any regard to time or other circumstances, while I strictly
adhere to truth. My only concern is, that I shall hardly be able to
do justice to my master's arguments and expressions, which must
needs suffer by my want of capacity, as well as by a translation
into our barbarous English..
In obedience, therefore, to his honour's commands, I related to
him the Revolution under the Prince of Orange; the long war with
France, entered into by the said prince, and renewed by his
successor, the present queen, wherein the greatest powers of
Christendom were engaged, and which still continued: I
computed, at his request, "that about a million of YAHOOS might
have been killed in the whole progress of it; and perhaps a
hundred or more cities taken, and five times as many ships burnt
or sunk."
He asked me, "what were the usual causes or motives that made
one country go to war with another?" I answered "they were
innumerable; but I should only mention a few of the chief.
Sometimes the ambition of princes, who never think they have
land or people enough to govern; sometimes the corruption of
ministers, who engage their master in a war, in order to stifle or
divert the clamour of the subjects against their evil administration.
Difference in opinions has cost many millions of lives: for
instance, whether flesh be bread, or bread be flesh; whether the
juice of a certain berry be blood or wine; whether whistling be a
vice or a virtue; whether it be better to kiss a post, or throw it into
the fire; what is the best colour for a coat, whether black, white,
red, or gray; and whether it should be long or short, narrow or
wide, dirty or clean; with many more.
Neither are any wars so furious and bloody, or of so long a
continuance, as those occasioned by difference in opinion,
especially if it be in things indifferent..
"Sometimes the quarrel between two princes is to decide which of
them shall dispossess a third of his dominions, where neither of
them pretend to any right. Sometimes one prince quarrels with
another for fear the other should quarrel with him. Sometimes a
war is entered upon, because the enemy is too strong; and
sometimes, because he is too weak. Sometimes our neighbours
want the things which we have, or have the things which we want,
and we both fight, till they take ours, or give us theirs. It is a very
justifiable cause of a war, to invade a country after the people
have been wasted by famine, destroyed by pestilence, or
embroiled by factions among themselves. It is justifiable to enter
into war against our nearest ally, when one of his towns lies
convenient for us, or a territory of land, that would render our
dominions round and complete. If a prince sends forces into a
nation, where the people are poor and ignorant, he may lawfully
put half of them to death, and make slaves of the rest, in order to
civilize and reduce them from their barbarous way of living. It is
a very kingly, honourable, and frequent practice, when one prince
desires the assistance of another, to secure him against an
invasion, that the assistant, when he has driven out the invader,
should seize on the dominions himself, and kill, imprison, or
banish, the prince he came to relieve. Alliance by blood, or
marriage, is a frequent cause of war between princes; and the
nearer the kindred is, the greater their disposition to quarrel; poor
nations are hungry, and rich nations are proud; and pride and
hunger will ever be at variance. For these reasons, the trade of a
soldier is held the most honourable of all others; because a soldier
is a YAHOO hired to kill, in cold blood, as many of his own
species, who have never offended him, as possibly he can..
"There is likewise a kind of beggarly princes in Europe, not able
to make war by themselves, who hire out their troops to richer
nations, for so much a day to each man; of which they keep three-fourths
to themselves, and it is the best part of their maintenance:
such are those in many northern parts of Europe."
"What you have told me," said my master, "upon the subject of
war, does indeed discover most admirably the effects of that
reason you pretend to: however, it is happy that the shame is
greater than the danger; and that nature has left you utterly
incapable of doing much mischief. For, your mouths lying flat
with your faces, you can hardly bite each other to any purpose,
unless by consent. Then as to the claws upon your feet before and
behind, they are so short and tender, that one of our YAHOOS
would drive a dozen of yours before him. And therefore, in
recounting the numbers of those who have been killed in battle, I
cannot but think you have said the thing which is not."
I could not forbear shaking my head, and smiling a little at his
ignorance. And being no stranger to the art of war, I gave him a
description of cannons, culverins, muskets, carabines, pistols,
bullets, powder, swords, bayonets, battles, sieges, retreats, attacks,
undermines, countermines, bombardments, sea fights, ships sunk
with a thousand men, twenty thousand killed on each side, dying
groans, limbs flying in the air, smoke, noise, confusion, trampling
to death under horses' feet, flight, pursuit, victory; fields strewed
with carcases, left for food to dogs and wolves and birds of prey;
plundering, stripping, ravishing, burning, and destroying. And to.
set forth the valour of my own dear countrymen, I assured him,
"that I had seen them blow up a hundred enemies at once in a
siege, and as many in a ship, and beheld the dead bodies drop
down in pieces from the clouds, to the great diversion of the
spectators."
I was going on to more particulars, when my master commanded
me silence. He said, "whoever understood the nature of
YAHOOS, might easily believe it possible for so vile an animal to
be capable of every action I had named, if their strength and
cunning equalled their malice. But as my discourse had increased
his abhorrence of the whole species, so he found it gave him a
disturbance in his mind to which he was wholly a stranger before.
He thought his ears, being used to such abominable words, might,
by degrees, admit them with less detestation: that although he
hated the YAHOOS of this country, yet he no more blamed them
for their odious qualities, than he did a GNNAYH (a bird of prey)
for its cruelty, or a sharp stone for cutting his hoof. But when a
creature pretending to reason could be capable of such enormities,
he dreaded lest the corruption of that faculty might be worse than
brutality itself. He seemed therefore confident, that, instead of
reason we were only possessed of some quality fitted to increase
our natural vices; as the reflection from a troubled stream returns
the image of an ill shapen body, not only larger but more
distorted.".
He added, "that he had heard too much upon the subject of war,
both in this and some former discourses. There was another point,
which a little perplexed him at present. I had informed him, that
some of our crew left their country on account of being ruined by
law; that I had already explained the meaning of the word; but he
was at a loss how it should come to pass, that the law, which was
intended for every man's preservation, should be any man's ruin.
Therefore he desired to be further satisfied what I meant by law,
and the dispensers thereof, according to the present practice in my
own country; because he thought nature and reason were
sufficient guides for a reasonable animal, as we pretended to be, in
showing us what he ought to do, and what to avoid."
I assured his honour, "that the law was a science in which I had
not much conversed, further than by employing advocates, in
vain, upon some injustices that had been done me: however, I
would give him all the satisfaction I was able."
I said, "there was a society of men among us, bred up from their
youth in the art of proving, by words multiplied for the purpose,
that white is black, and black is white, according as they are paid.
To this society all the rest of the people are slaves. For example,
if my neighbour has a mind to my cow, he has a lawyer to prove
that he ought to have my cow from me. I must then hire another to
defend my right, it being against all rules of law that any man
should be allowed to speak for himself. Now, in this case, I, who
am the right owner, lie under two great disadvantages: first, my
lawyer, being practised almost from his cradle in defending
falsehood, is quite out of his element when he would be an.
advocate for justice, which is an unnatural office he always
attempts with great awkwardness, if not with ill-will. The second
disadvantage is, that my lawyer must proceed with great caution,
or else he will be reprimanded by the judges, and abhorred by his
brethren, as one that would lessen the practice of the law. And
therefore I have but two methods to preserve my cow. The first is,
to gain over my adversary's lawyer with a double fee, who will
then betray his client by insinuating that he hath justice on his
side. The second way is for my lawyer to make my cause appear
as unjust as he can, by allowing the cow to belong to my
adversary: and this, if it be skilfully done, will certainly bespeak
the favour of the bench. Now your honour is to know, that these
judges are persons appointed to decide all controversies of
property, as well as for the trial of criminals, and picked out from
the most dexterous lawyers, who are grown old or lazy; and
having been biassed all their lives against truth and equity, lie
under such a fatal necessity of favouring fraud, perjury, and
oppression, that I have known some of them refuse a large bribe
from the side where justice lay, rather than injure the faculty, by
doing any thing unbecoming their nature or their office.
"It is a maxim among these lawyers that whatever has been done
before, may legally be done again: and therefore they take special
care to record all the decisions formerly made against common
justice, and the general reason of mankind. These, under the name
of precedents, they produce as authorities to justify the most
iniquitous opinions; and the judges never fail of directing
accordingly..
"In pleading, they studiously avoid entering into the merits of the
cause; but are loud, violent, and tedious, in dwelling upon all
circumstances which are not to the purpose. For instance, in the
case already mentioned; they never desire to know what claim or
title my adversary has to my cow; but whether the said cow were
red or black; her horns long or short; whether the field I graze her
in be round or square; whether she was milked at home or abroad;
what diseases she is subject to, and the like; after which they
consult precedents, adjourn the cause from time to time, and in
ten, twenty, or thirty years, come to an issue.
"It is likewise to be observed, that this society has a peculiar cant
and jargon of their own, that no other mortal can understand, and
wherein all their laws are written, which they take special care to
multiply; whereby they have wholly confounded the very essence
of truth and falsehood, of right and wrong; so that it will take
thirty years to decide, whether the field left me by my ancestors
for six generations belongs to me, or to a stranger three hundred
miles off.
"In the trial of persons accused for crimes against the state, the
method is much more short and commendable: the judge first
sends to sound the disposition of those in power, after which he
can easily hang or save a criminal, strictly preserving all due
forms of law."
Here my master interposing, said, "it was a pity, that creatures
endowed with such prodigious abilities of mind, as these lawyers,
by the description I gave of them, must certainly be, were not.
rather encouraged to be instructors of others in wisdom and
knowledge." In answer to which I assured his honour, "that in all
points out of their own trade, they were usually the most ignorant
and stupid generation among us, the most despicable in common
conversation, avowed enemies to all knowledge and learning, and
equally disposed to pervert the general reason of mankind in
every other subject of discourse as in that of their own
profession.".
[A continuation of the state of England under Queen Anne. The
character of a first minister of state in European courts.]
My master was yet wholly at a loss to understand what motives
could incite this race of lawyers to perplex, disquiet, and weary
themselves, and engage in a confederacy of injustice, merely for
the sake of injuring their fellow-animals; neither could he
comprehend what I meant in saying, they did it for hire.
Whereupon I was at much pains to describe to him the use of
money, the materials it was made of, and the value of the metals;
"that when a YAHOO had got a great store of this precious
substance, he was able to purchase whatever he had a mind to; the
finest clothing, the noblest houses, great tracts of land, the most
costly meats and drinks, and have his choice of the most beautiful
females. Therefore since money alone was able to perform all
these feats, our YAHOOS thought they could never have enough
of it to spend, or to save, as they found themselves inclined, from
their natural bent either to profusion or avarice; that the rich man
enjoyed the fruit of the poor man's labour, and the latter were a
thousand to one in proportion to the former; that the bulk of our
people were forced to live miserably, by labouring every day for
small wages, to make a few live plentifully.".
I enlarged myself much on these, and many other particulars to
the same purpose; but his honour was still to seek; for he went
upon a supposition, that all animals had a title to their share in the
productions of the earth, and especially those who presided over
the rest. Therefore he desired I would let him know, "what these
costly meats were, and how any of us happened to want them?"
Whereupon I enumerated as many sorts as came into my head,
with the various methods of dressing them, which could not be
done without sending vessels by sea to every part of the world, as
well for liquors to drink as for sauces and innumerable other
conveniences. I assured him "that this whole globe of earth must
be at least three times gone round before one of our better female
YAHOOS could get her breakfast, or a cup to put it in." He said
"that must needs be a miserable country which cannot furnish
food for its own inhabitants. But what he chiefly wondered at was,
how such vast tracts of ground as I described should be wholly
without fresh water, and the people put to the necessity of sending
over the sea for drink." I replied "that England (the dear place of
my nativity) was computed to produce three times the quantity of
food more than its inhabitants are able to consume, as well as
liquors extracted from grain, or pressed out of the fruit of certain
trees, which made excellent drink, and the same proportion in
every other convenience of life. But, in order to feed the luxury
and intemperance of the males, and the vanity of the females, we
sent away the greatest part of our necessary things to other
countries, whence, in return, we brought the materials of diseases,
folly, and vice, to spend among ourselves. Hence it follows of
necessity, that vast numbers of our people are compelled to seek.
their livelihood by begging, robbing, stealing, cheating, pimping,
flattering, suborning, forswearing, forging, gaming, lying,
fawning, hectoring, voting, scribbling, star-gazing, poisoning,
whoring, canting, libelling, freethinking, and the like
occupations:" every one of which terms I was at much pains to
make him understand.
"That wine was not imported among us from foreign countries to
supply the want of water or other drinks, but because it was a sort
of liquid which made us merry by putting us out of our senses,
diverted all melancholy thoughts, begat wild extravagant
imaginations in the brain, raised our hopes and banished our fears,
suspended every office of reason for a time, and deprived us of the
use of our limbs, till we fell into a profound sleep; although it
must be confessed, that we always awaked sick and dispirited; and
that the use of this liquor filled us with diseases which made our
lives uncomfortable and short.
"But beside all this, the bulk of our people supported themselves
by furnishing the necessities or conveniences of life to the rich
and to each other. For instance, when I am at home, and dressed as
I ought to be, I carry on my body the workmanship of a hundred
tradesmen; the building and furniture of my house employ as
many more, and five times the number to adorn my wife."
I was going on to tell him of another sort of people, who get their
livelihood by attending the sick, having, upon some occasions,
informed his honour that many of my crew had died of diseases.
But here it was with the utmost difficulty that I brought him to.
apprehend what I meant. "He could easily conceive, that a
HOUYHNHNM, grew weak and heavy a few days before his
death, or by some accident might hurt a limb; but that nature, who
works all things to perfection, should suffer any pains to breed in
our bodies, he thought impossible, and desired to know the reason
of so unaccountable an evil."
I told him "we fed on a thousand things which operated contrary
to each other; that we ate when we were not hungry, and drank
without the provocation of thirst; that we sat whole nights
drinking strong liquors, without eating a bit, which disposed us to
sloth, inflamed our bodies, and precipitated or prevented
digestion; that prostitute female YAHOOS acquired a certain
malady, which bred rottenness in the bones of those who fell into
their embraces; that this, and many other diseases, were
propagated from father to son; so that great numbers came into the
world with complicated maladies upon them; that it would be
endless to give him a catalogue of all diseases incident to human
bodies, for they would not be fewer than five or six hundred,
spread over every limb and joint -in short, every part, external and
intestine, having diseases appropriated to itself. To remedy which,
there was a sort of people bred up among us in the profession, or
pretence, of curing the sick. And because I had some skill in the
faculty, I would, in gratitude to his honour, let him know the
whole mystery and method by which they proceed.
"Their fundamental is, that all diseases arise from repletion;
whence they conclude, that a great evacuation of the body is
necessary, either through the natural passage or upwards at the.
mouth. Their next business is from herbs, minerals, gums, oils,
shells, salts, juices, seaweed, excrements, barks of trees, serpents,
toads, frogs, spiders, dead men's flesh and bones, birds, beasts,
and fishes, to form a composition, for smell and taste, the most
abominable, nauseous, and detestable, they can possibly contrive,
which the stomach immediately rejects with loathing, and this
they call a vomit; or else, from the same store-house, with some
other poisonous additions, they command us to take in at the
orifice above or below (just as the physician then happens to be
disposed) a medicine equally annoying and disgustful to the
bowels; which, relaxing the belly, drives down all before it; and
this they call a purge, or a clyster. For nature (as the physicians
allege) having intended the superior anterior orifice only for the
intromission of solids and liquids, and the inferior posterior for
ejection, these artists ingeniously considering that in all diseases
nature is forced out of her seat, therefore, to replace her in it, the
body must be treated in a manner directly contrary, by
interchanging the use of each orifice; forcing solids and liquids in
at the anus, and making evacuations at the mouth.
"But, besides real diseases, we are subject to many that are only
imaginary, for which the physicians have invented imaginary
cures; these have their several names, and so have the drugs that
are proper for them; and with these our female YAHOOS are
always infested.
"One great excellency in this tribe, is their skill at prognostics,
wherein they seldom fail; their predictions in real diseases, when
they rise to any degree of malignity, generally portending death,.
which is always in their power, when recovery is not: and
therefore, upon any unexpected signs of amendment, after they
have pronounced their sentence, rather than be accused as false
prophets, they know how to approve their sagacity to the world,
by a seasonable dose.
"They are likewise of special use to husbands and wives who are
grown weary of their mates; to eldest sons, to great ministers of
state, and often to princes."
I had formerly, upon occasion, discoursed with my master upon
the nature of government in general, and particularly of our own
excellent constitution, deservedly the wonder and envy of the
whole world. But having here accidentally mentioned a minister
of state, he commanded me, some time after, to inform him, "what
species of YAHOO I particularly meant by that appellation."
I told him, "that a first or chief minister of state, who was the
person I intended to describe, was the creature wholly exempt
from joy and grief, love and hatred, pity and anger; at least, makes
use of no other passions, but a violent desire of wealth, power, and
titles; that he applies his words to all uses, except to the indication
of his mind; that he never tells a truth but with an intent that you
should take it for a lie; nor a lie, but with a design that you should
take it for a truth; that those he speaks worst of behind their backs
are in the surest way of preferment; and whenever he begins to
praise you to others, or to yourself, you are from that day forlorn..
The worst mark you can receive is a promise, especially when it is
confirmed with an oath; after which, every wise man retires, and
gives over all hopes.
"There are three methods, by which a man may rise to be chief
minister. The first is, by knowing how, with prudence, to dispose
of a wife, a daughter, or a sister; the second, by betraying or
undermining his predecessor; and the third is, by a furious zeal, in
public assemblies, against the corruption's of the court. But a wise
prince would rather choose to employ those who practise the last
of these methods; because such zealots prove always the most
obsequious and subservient to the will and passions of their
master. That these ministers, having all employments at their
disposal, preserve themselves in power, by bribing the majority of
a senate or great council; and at last, by an expedient, called an act
of indemnity" (whereof I described the nature to him), "they
secure themselves from after-reckonings, and retire from the
public laden with the spoils of the nation.
"The palace of a chief minister is a seminary to breed up others in
his own trade: the pages, lackeys, and porters, by imitating their
master, become ministers of state in their several districts, and
learn to excel in the three principal ingredients, of insolence,
lying, and bribery. Accordingly, they have a subaltern court paid
to them by persons of the best rank; and sometimes by the force of
dexterity and impudence, arrive, through several gradations, to be
successors to their lord..
"He is usually governed by a decayed wench, or favourite
footman, who are the tunnels through which all graces are
conveyed, and may properly be called, in the last resort, the
governors of the kingdom."
One day, in discourse, my master, having heard me mention the
nobility of my country, was pleased to make me a compliment
which I could not pretend to deserve: "that he was sure I must
have been born of some noble family, because I far exceeded in
shape, colour, and cleanliness, all the YAHOOS of his nation,
although I seemed to fail in strength and agility, which must be
imputed to my different way of living from those other brutes; and
besides I was not only endowed with the faculty of speech, but
likewise with some rudiments of reason, to a degree that, with all
his acquaintance, I passed for a prodigy."
He made me observe, "that among the HOUYHNHNMS, the
white, the sorrel, and the iron-gray, were not so exactly shaped as
the bay, the dapple-gray, and the black; nor born with equal talents
of mind, or a capacity to improve them; and therefore continued
always in the condition of servants, without ever aspiring to match
out of their own race, which in that country would be reckoned
monstrous and unnatural."
I made his honour my most humble acknowledgments for the
good opinion he was pleased to conceive of me, but assured him
at the same time, "that my birth was of the lower sort, having been
born of plain honest parents, who were just able to give me a
tolerable education; that nobility, among us, was altogether a.
different thing from the idea he had of it; that our young noblemen
are bred from their childhood in idleness and luxury; that, as soon
as years will permit, they consume their vigour, and contract
odious diseases among lewd females; and when their fortunes are
almost ruined, they marry some woman of mean birth,
disagreeable person, and unsound constitution (merely for the
sake of money), whom they hate and despise. That the
productions of such marriages are generally scrofulous, rickety, or
deformed children; by which means the family seldom continues
above three generations, unless the wife takes care to provide a
healthy father, among her neighbours or domestics, in order to
improve and continue the breed. That a weak diseased body, a
meagre countenance, and sallow complexion, are the true marks
of noble blood; and a healthy robust appearance is so disgraceful
in a man of quality, that the world concludes his real father to have
been a groom or a coachman. The imperfections of his mind run
parallel with those of his body, being a composition of spleen,
dullness, ignorance, caprice, sensuality, and pride.
"Without the consent of this illustrious body, no law can be
enacted, repealed, or altered: and these nobles have likewise the
decision of all our possessions, without appeal." (6).
[The author's great love of his native country. His master's
observations upon the constitution and administration of England,
as described by the author, with parallel cases and comparisons.
His master's observations upon human nature.]
The reader may be disposed to wonder how I could prevail on
myself to give so free a representation of my own species, among
a race of mortals who are already too apt to conceive the vilest
opinion of humankind, from that entire congruity between me and
their YAHOOS. But I must freely confess, that the many virtues
of those excellent quadrupeds, placed in opposite view to human
corruptions, had so far opened my eyes and enlarged my
understanding, that I began to view the actions and passions of
man in a very different light, and to think the honour of my own
kind not worth managing; which, besides, it was impossible for
me to do, before a person of so acute a judgment as my master,
who daily convinced me of a thousand faults in myself, whereof I
had not the least perception before, and which, with us, would
never be numbered even among human infirmities. I had likewise
learned, from his example, an utter detestation of all falsehood or
disguise; and truth appeared so amiable to me, that I determined
upon sacrificing every thing to it..
Let me deal so candidly with the reader as to confess that there
was yet a much stronger motive for the freedom I took in my
representation of things. I had not yet been a year in this country
before I contracted such a love and veneration for the inhabitants,
that I entered on a firm resolution never to return to humankind,
but to pass the rest of my life among these admirable
HOUYHNHNMS, in the contemplation and practice of every
virtue, where I could have no example or incitement to vice. But it
was decreed by fortune, my perpetual enemy, that so great a
felicity should not fall to my share. However, it is now some
comfort to reflect, that in what I said of my countrymen, I
extenuated their faults as much as I durst before so strict an
examiner; and upon every article gave as favourable a turn as the
matter would bear. For, indeed, who is there alive that will not be
swayed by his bias and partiality to the place of his birth?
I have related the substance of several conversations I had with
my master during the greatest part of the time I had the honour to
be in his service; but have, indeed, for brevity sake, omitted much
more than is here set down.
When I had answered all his questions, and his curiosity seemed
to be fully satisfied, he sent for me one morning early, and
commanded me to sit down at some distance (an honour which he
had never before conferred upon me). He said, "he had been very
seriously considering my whole story, as far as it related both to
myself and my country; that he looked upon us as a sort of
animals, to whose share, by what accident he could not
conjecture, some small pittance of reason had fallen, whereof we.
made no other use, than by its assistance, to aggravate our natural
corruptions, and to acquire new ones, which nature had not given
us; that we disarmed ourselves of the few abilities she had
bestowed; had been very successful in multiplying our original
wants, and seemed to spend our whole lives in vain endeavours to
supply them by our own inventions; that, as to myself, it was
manifest I had neither the strength nor agility of a common
YAHOO; that I walked infirmly on my hinder feet; had found out
a contrivance to make my claws of no use or defence, and to
remove the hair from my chin, which was intended as a shelter
from the sun and the weather: lastly, that I could neither run with
speed, nor climb trees like my brethren," as he called them, "the
YAHOOS in his country.
"That our institutions of government and law were plainly owing
to our gross defects in reason, and by consequence in virtue;
because reason alone is sufficient to govern a rational creature;
which was, therefore, a character we had no pretence to challenge,
even from the account I had given of my own people; although he
manifestly perceived, that, in order to favour them, I had
concealed many particulars, and often said the thing which was
not.
"He was the more confirmed in this opinion, because, he
observed, that as I agreed in every feature of my body with other
YAHOOS, except where it was to my real disadvantage in point of
strength, speed, and activity, the shortness of my claws, and some
other particulars where nature had no part; so from the
representation I had given him of our lives, our manners, and our.
actions, he found as near a resemblance in the disposition of our
minds." He said, "the YAHOOS were known to hate one another,
more than they did any different species of animals; and the
reason usually assigned was, the odiousness of their own shapes,
which all could see in the rest, but not in themselves. He had
therefore begun to think it not unwise in us to cover our bodies,
and by that invention conceal many of our deformities from each
other, which would else be hardly supportable. But he now found
he had been mistaken, and that the dissensions of those brutes in
his country were owing to the same cause with ours, as I had
described them. For if," said he, "you throw among five
YAHOOS as much food as would be sufficient for fifty, they will,
instead of eating peaceably, fall together by the ears, each single
one impatient to have all to itself; and therefore a servant was
usually employed to stand by while they were feeding abroad, and
those kept at home were tied at a distance from each other: that if
a cow died of age or accident, before a HOUYHNHNM could
secure it for his own YAHOOS, those in the neighbourhood would
come in herds to seize it, and then would ensue such a battle as I
had described, with terrible wounds made by their claws on both
sides, although they seldom were able to kill one another, for want
of such convenient instruments of death as we had invented. At
other times, the like battles have been fought between the
YAHOOS of several neighbourhoods, without any visible cause;
those of one district watching all opportunities to surprise the
next, before they are prepared. But if they find their project has
miscarried, they return home, and, for want of enemies, engage in
what I call a civil war among themselves..
"That in some fields of his country there are certain shining stones
of several colours, whereof the YAHOOS are violently fond: and
when part of these stones is fixed in the earth, as it sometimes
happens, they will dig with their claws for whole days to get them
out; then carry them away, and hide them by heaps in their
kennels; but still looking round with great caution, for fear their
comrades should find out their treasure." My master said, "he
could never discover the reason of this unnatural appetite, or how
these stones could be of any use to a YAHOO; but now he
believed it might proceed from the same principle of avarice
which I had ascribed to mankind. That he had once, by way of
experiment, privately removed a heap of these stones from the
place where one of his YAHOOS had buried it; whereupon the
sordid animal, missing his treasure, by his loud lamenting brought
the whole herd to the place, there miserably howled, then fell to
biting and tearing the rest, began to pine away, would neither eat,
nor sleep, nor work, till he ordered a servant privately to convey
the stones into the same hole, and hide them as before; which,
when his YAHOO had found, he presently recovered his spirits
and good humour, but took good care to remove them to a better
hiding place, and has ever since been a very serviceable brute."
My master further assured me, which I also observed myself, "that
in the fields where the shining stones abound, the fiercest and
most frequent battles are fought, occasioned by perpetual inroads
of the neighbouring YAHOOS.".
He said, "it was common, when two YAHOOS discovered such a
stone in a field, and were contending which of them should be the
proprietor, a third would take the advantage, and carry it away
from them both;" which my master would needs contend to have
some kind of resemblance with our suits at law; wherein I thought
it for our credit not to undeceive him; since the decision he
mentioned was much more equitable than many decrees among
us; because the plaintiff and defendant there lost nothing beside
the stone they contended for: whereas our courts of equity would
never have dismissed the cause, while either of them had any
thing left.
My master, continuing his discourse, said, "there was nothing that
rendered the YAHOOS more odious, than their undistinguishing
appetite to devour every thing that came in their way, whether
herbs, roots, berries, the corrupted flesh of animals, or all mingled
together: and it was peculiar in their temper, that they were fonder
of what they could get by rapine or stealth, at a greater distance,
than much better food provided for them at home. If their prey
held out, they would eat till they were ready to burst; after which,
nature had pointed out to them a certain root that gave them a
general evacuation.
"There was also another kind of root, very juicy, but somewhat
rare and difficult to be found, which the YAHOOS sought for with
much eagerness, and would suck it with great delight; it produced
in them the same effects that wine has upon us. It would make.
them sometimes hug, and sometimes tear one another; they would
howl, and grin, and chatter, and reel, and tumble, and then fall
asleep in the mud."
I did indeed observe that the YAHOOS were the only animals in
this country subject to any diseases; which, however, were much
fewer than horses have among us, and contracted, not by any ill-treatment
they meet with, but by the nastiness and greediness of
that sordid brute. Neither has their language any more than a
general appellation for those maladies, which is borrowed from
the name of the beast, and called HNEA-YAHOO, or YAHOO'S
EVIL; and the cure prescribed is a mixture of their own dung and
urine, forcibly put down the YAHOO'S throat. This I have since
often known to have been taken with success, and do here freely
recommend it to my countrymen for the public good, as an
admirable specific against all diseases produced by repletion.
"As to learning, government, arts, manufactures, and the like," my
master confessed, "he could find little or no resemblance between
the YAHOOS of that country and those in ours; for he only meant
to observe what parity there was in our natures. He had heard,
indeed, some curious HOUYHNHNMS observe, that in most
herds there was a sort of ruling YAHOO (as among us there is
generally some leading or principal stag in a park), who was
always more deformed in body, and mischievous in disposition,
than any of the rest; that this leader had usually a favourite as like
himself as he could get, whose employment was to lick his
master's feet and posteriors, and drive the female YAHOOS to his
kennel; for which he was now and then rewarded with a piece of.
ass's flesh. This favourite is hated by the whole herd, and
therefore, to protect himself, keeps always near the person of his
leader. He usually continues in office till a worse can be found;
but the very moment he is discarded, his successor, at the head of
all the YAHOOS in that district, young and old, male and female,
come in a body, and discharge their excrements upon him from
head to foot. But how far this might be applicable to our courts,
and favourites, and ministers of state, my master said I could best
determine."
I durst make no return to this malicious insinuation, which
debased human understanding below the sagacity of a common
hound, who has judgment enough to distinguish and follow the
cry of the ablest dog in the pack, without being ever mistaken.
My master told me, "there were some qualities remarkable in the
YAHOOS, which he had not observed me to mention, or at least
very slightly, in the accounts I had given of humankind." He said,
"those animals, like other brutes, had their females in common;
but in this they differed, that the she YAHOO would admit the
males while she was pregnant; and that the hes would quarrel and
fight with the females, as fiercely as with each other; both which
practices were such degrees of infamous brutality, as no other
sensitive creature ever arrived at.
"Another thing he wondered at in the YAHOOS, was their strange
disposition to nastiness and dirt; whereas there appears to be a
natural love of cleanliness in all other animals." As to the two
former accusations, I was glad to let them pass without any reply,.
after I had explained the manner and use of castrating horses
among us, to hinder them from propagating their kind, and to
render them more servile. He said, "if it were possible there could
be any country where YAHOOS alone were endued with reason,
they certainly must be the governing animal; because reason in
time will always prevail against brutal strength. But, considering
the frame of our bodies, and especially of mine, he thought no
creature of equal bulk was so ill-contrived for employing that
reason in the common offices of life;" whereupon he desired to
know whether those among whom I lived resembled me, or the
YAHOOS of his country?" I assured him, "that I was as well
shaped as most of my age; but the younger, and the females, were
much more soft and tender, and the skins of the latter generally as
white as milk." He said, "I differed indeed from other YAHOOS,
being much more cleanly, and not altogether so deformed; but, in
point of real advantage, he thought I differed for the worse: that
my nails were of no use either to my fore or hinder feet; as to my
fore feet, he could not properly call them by that name, for he
never observed me to walk upon them; that they were too soft to
bear the ground; that I generally went with them uncovered;
neither was the covering I sometimes wore on them of the same
shape, or so strong as that on my feet behind: that I could not walk
with any security, for if either of my hinder feet slipped, I must
inevitably fail." He then began to find fault with other parts of my
body: "the flatness of my face, the prominence of my nose, mine
eyes placed directly in front, so that I could not look on either side
without turning my head: that I was not able to feed myself,
without lifting one of my fore-feet to my mouth: and therefore
nature had placed those joints to answer that necessity. He knew.
not what could be the use of those several clefts and divisions in
my feet behind; that these were too soft to bear the hardness and
sharpness of stones, without a covering made from the skin of
some other brute; that my whole body wanted a fence against heat
and cold, which I was forced to put on and off every day, with
tediousness and trouble: and lastly, that he observed every animal
in this country naturally to abhor the YAHOOS, whom the weaker
avoided, and the stronger drove from them. So that, supposing us
to have the gift of reason, he could not see how it were possible to
cure that natural antipathy, which every creature discovered
against us; nor consequently how we could tame and render them
serviceable. However, he would," as he said, "debate the matter
no farther, because he was more desirous to know my own story,
the country where I was born, and the several actions and events
of my life, before I came hither."
I assured him, "how extremely desirous I was that he should be
satisfied on every point; but I doubted much, whether it would be
possible for me to explain myself on several subjects, whereof his
honour could have no conception; because I saw nothing in his
country to which I could resemble them; that, however, I would
do my best, and strive to express myself by similitudes, humbly
desiring his assistance when I wanted proper words;" which he
was pleased to promise me.
I said, "my birth was of honest parents, in an island called
England; which was remote from his country, as many days'
journey as the strongest of his honour's servants could travel in the
annual course of the sun; that I was bred a surgeon, whose trade it.
is to cure wounds and hurts in the body, gotten by accident or
violence; that my country was governed by a female man, whom
we called queen; that I left it to get riches, whereby I might
maintain myself and family, when I should return; that, in my last
voyage, I was commander of the ship, and had about fifty
YAHOOS under me, many of which died at sea, and I was forced
to supply them by others picked out from several nations; that our
ship was twice in danger of being sunk, the first time by a great
storm, and the second by striking against a rock." Here my master
interposed, by asking me, "how I could persuade strangers, out of
different countries, to venture with me, after the losses I had
sustained, and the hazards I had run?" I said, "they were fellows of
desperate fortunes, forced to fly from the places of their birth on
account of their poverty or their crimes. Some were undone by
lawsuits; others spent all they had in drinking, whoring, and
gaming; others fled for treason; many for murder, theft, poisoning,
robbery, perjury, forgery, coining false money, for committing
rapes, or sodomy; for flying from their colours, or deserting to the
enemy; and most of them had broken prison; none of these durst
return to their native countries, for fear of being hanged, or of
starving in a jail; and therefore they were under the necessity of
seeking a livelihood in other places."
During this discourse, my master was pleased to interrupt me
several times. I had made use of many circumlocutions in
describing to him the nature of the several crimes for which most
of our crew had been forced to fly their country. This labour took
up several days' conversation, before he was able to comprehend
me. He was wholly at a loss to know what could be the use or.
necessity of practising those vices. To clear up which, I
endeavoured to give some ideas of the desire of power and riches;
of the terrible effects of lust, intemperance, malice, and envy. All
this I was forced to define and describe by putting cases and
making suppositions. After which, like one whose imagination
was struck with something never seen or heard of before, he
would lift up his eyes with amazement and indignation. Power,
government, war, law, punishment, and a thousand other things,
had no terms wherein that language could express them, which
made the difficulty almost insuperable, to give my master any
conception of what I meant. But being of an excellent
understanding, much improved by contemplation and converse,
he at last arrived at a competent knowledge of what human nature,
in our parts of the world, is capable to perform, and desired I
would give him some particular account of that land which we
call Europe, but especially of my own country..
[The author at his master's command, informs him of the state of
England. The causes of war among the princes of Europe. The
author begins to explain the English constitution.]
The reader may please to observe, that the following extract of
many conversations I had with my master, contains a summary of
the most material points which were discoursed at several times
for above two years; his honour often desiring fuller satisfaction,
as I farther improved in the HOUYHNHNM tongue. I laid before
him, as well as I could, the whole state of Europe; I discoursed of
trade and manufactures, of arts and sciences; and the answers I
gave to all the questions he made, as they arose upon several
subjects, were a fund of conversation not to be exhausted. But I
shall here only set down the substance of what passed between us
concerning my own country, reducing it in order as well as I can,
without any regard to time or other circumstances, while I strictly
adhere to truth. My only concern is, that I shall hardly be able to
do justice to my master's arguments and expressions, which must
needs suffer by my want of capacity, as well as by a translation
into our barbarous English..
In obedience, therefore, to his honour's commands, I related to
him the Revolution under the Prince of Orange; the long war with
France, entered into by the said prince, and renewed by his
successor, the present queen, wherein the greatest powers of
Christendom were engaged, and which still continued: I
computed, at his request, "that about a million of YAHOOS might
have been killed in the whole progress of it; and perhaps a
hundred or more cities taken, and five times as many ships burnt
or sunk."
He asked me, "what were the usual causes or motives that made
one country go to war with another?" I answered "they were
innumerable; but I should only mention a few of the chief.
Sometimes the ambition of princes, who never think they have
land or people enough to govern; sometimes the corruption of
ministers, who engage their master in a war, in order to stifle or
divert the clamour of the subjects against their evil administration.
Difference in opinions has cost many millions of lives: for
instance, whether flesh be bread, or bread be flesh; whether the
juice of a certain berry be blood or wine; whether whistling be a
vice or a virtue; whether it be better to kiss a post, or throw it into
the fire; what is the best colour for a coat, whether black, white,
red, or gray; and whether it should be long or short, narrow or
wide, dirty or clean; with many more.
Neither are any wars so furious and bloody, or of so long a
continuance, as those occasioned by difference in opinion,
especially if it be in things indifferent..
"Sometimes the quarrel between two princes is to decide which of
them shall dispossess a third of his dominions, where neither of
them pretend to any right. Sometimes one prince quarrels with
another for fear the other should quarrel with him. Sometimes a
war is entered upon, because the enemy is too strong; and
sometimes, because he is too weak. Sometimes our neighbours
want the things which we have, or have the things which we want,
and we both fight, till they take ours, or give us theirs. It is a very
justifiable cause of a war, to invade a country after the people
have been wasted by famine, destroyed by pestilence, or
embroiled by factions among themselves. It is justifiable to enter
into war against our nearest ally, when one of his towns lies
convenient for us, or a territory of land, that would render our
dominions round and complete. If a prince sends forces into a
nation, where the people are poor and ignorant, he may lawfully
put half of them to death, and make slaves of the rest, in order to
civilize and reduce them from their barbarous way of living. It is
a very kingly, honourable, and frequent practice, when one prince
desires the assistance of another, to secure him against an
invasion, that the assistant, when he has driven out the invader,
should seize on the dominions himself, and kill, imprison, or
banish, the prince he came to relieve. Alliance by blood, or
marriage, is a frequent cause of war between princes; and the
nearer the kindred is, the greater their disposition to quarrel; poor
nations are hungry, and rich nations are proud; and pride and
hunger will ever be at variance. For these reasons, the trade of a
soldier is held the most honourable of all others; because a soldier
is a YAHOO hired to kill, in cold blood, as many of his own
species, who have never offended him, as possibly he can..
"There is likewise a kind of beggarly princes in Europe, not able
to make war by themselves, who hire out their troops to richer
nations, for so much a day to each man; of which they keep three-fourths
to themselves, and it is the best part of their maintenance:
such are those in many northern parts of Europe."
"What you have told me," said my master, "upon the subject of
war, does indeed discover most admirably the effects of that
reason you pretend to: however, it is happy that the shame is
greater than the danger; and that nature has left you utterly
incapable of doing much mischief. For, your mouths lying flat
with your faces, you can hardly bite each other to any purpose,
unless by consent. Then as to the claws upon your feet before and
behind, they are so short and tender, that one of our YAHOOS
would drive a dozen of yours before him. And therefore, in
recounting the numbers of those who have been killed in battle, I
cannot but think you have said the thing which is not."
I could not forbear shaking my head, and smiling a little at his
ignorance. And being no stranger to the art of war, I gave him a
description of cannons, culverins, muskets, carabines, pistols,
bullets, powder, swords, bayonets, battles, sieges, retreats, attacks,
undermines, countermines, bombardments, sea fights, ships sunk
with a thousand men, twenty thousand killed on each side, dying
groans, limbs flying in the air, smoke, noise, confusion, trampling
to death under horses' feet, flight, pursuit, victory; fields strewed
with carcases, left for food to dogs and wolves and birds of prey;
plundering, stripping, ravishing, burning, and destroying. And to.
set forth the valour of my own dear countrymen, I assured him,
"that I had seen them blow up a hundred enemies at once in a
siege, and as many in a ship, and beheld the dead bodies drop
down in pieces from the clouds, to the great diversion of the
spectators."
I was going on to more particulars, when my master commanded
me silence. He said, "whoever understood the nature of
YAHOOS, might easily believe it possible for so vile an animal to
be capable of every action I had named, if their strength and
cunning equalled their malice. But as my discourse had increased
his abhorrence of the whole species, so he found it gave him a
disturbance in his mind to which he was wholly a stranger before.
He thought his ears, being used to such abominable words, might,
by degrees, admit them with less detestation: that although he
hated the YAHOOS of this country, yet he no more blamed them
for their odious qualities, than he did a GNNAYH (a bird of prey)
for its cruelty, or a sharp stone for cutting his hoof. But when a
creature pretending to reason could be capable of such enormities,
he dreaded lest the corruption of that faculty might be worse than
brutality itself. He seemed therefore confident, that, instead of
reason we were only possessed of some quality fitted to increase
our natural vices; as the reflection from a troubled stream returns
the image of an ill shapen body, not only larger but more
distorted.".
He added, "that he had heard too much upon the subject of war,
both in this and some former discourses. There was another point,
which a little perplexed him at present. I had informed him, that
some of our crew left their country on account of being ruined by
law; that I had already explained the meaning of the word; but he
was at a loss how it should come to pass, that the law, which was
intended for every man's preservation, should be any man's ruin.
Therefore he desired to be further satisfied what I meant by law,
and the dispensers thereof, according to the present practice in my
own country; because he thought nature and reason were
sufficient guides for a reasonable animal, as we pretended to be, in
showing us what he ought to do, and what to avoid."
I assured his honour, "that the law was a science in which I had
not much conversed, further than by employing advocates, in
vain, upon some injustices that had been done me: however, I
would give him all the satisfaction I was able."
I said, "there was a society of men among us, bred up from their
youth in the art of proving, by words multiplied for the purpose,
that white is black, and black is white, according as they are paid.
To this society all the rest of the people are slaves. For example,
if my neighbour has a mind to my cow, he has a lawyer to prove
that he ought to have my cow from me. I must then hire another to
defend my right, it being against all rules of law that any man
should be allowed to speak for himself. Now, in this case, I, who
am the right owner, lie under two great disadvantages: first, my
lawyer, being practised almost from his cradle in defending
falsehood, is quite out of his element when he would be an.
advocate for justice, which is an unnatural office he always
attempts with great awkwardness, if not with ill-will. The second
disadvantage is, that my lawyer must proceed with great caution,
or else he will be reprimanded by the judges, and abhorred by his
brethren, as one that would lessen the practice of the law. And
therefore I have but two methods to preserve my cow. The first is,
to gain over my adversary's lawyer with a double fee, who will
then betray his client by insinuating that he hath justice on his
side. The second way is for my lawyer to make my cause appear
as unjust as he can, by allowing the cow to belong to my
adversary: and this, if it be skilfully done, will certainly bespeak
the favour of the bench. Now your honour is to know, that these
judges are persons appointed to decide all controversies of
property, as well as for the trial of criminals, and picked out from
the most dexterous lawyers, who are grown old or lazy; and
having been biassed all their lives against truth and equity, lie
under such a fatal necessity of favouring fraud, perjury, and
oppression, that I have known some of them refuse a large bribe
from the side where justice lay, rather than injure the faculty, by
doing any thing unbecoming their nature or their office.
"It is a maxim among these lawyers that whatever has been done
before, may legally be done again: and therefore they take special
care to record all the decisions formerly made against common
justice, and the general reason of mankind. These, under the name
of precedents, they produce as authorities to justify the most
iniquitous opinions; and the judges never fail of directing
accordingly..
"In pleading, they studiously avoid entering into the merits of the
cause; but are loud, violent, and tedious, in dwelling upon all
circumstances which are not to the purpose. For instance, in the
case already mentioned; they never desire to know what claim or
title my adversary has to my cow; but whether the said cow were
red or black; her horns long or short; whether the field I graze her
in be round or square; whether she was milked at home or abroad;
what diseases she is subject to, and the like; after which they
consult precedents, adjourn the cause from time to time, and in
ten, twenty, or thirty years, come to an issue.
"It is likewise to be observed, that this society has a peculiar cant
and jargon of their own, that no other mortal can understand, and
wherein all their laws are written, which they take special care to
multiply; whereby they have wholly confounded the very essence
of truth and falsehood, of right and wrong; so that it will take
thirty years to decide, whether the field left me by my ancestors
for six generations belongs to me, or to a stranger three hundred
miles off.
"In the trial of persons accused for crimes against the state, the
method is much more short and commendable: the judge first
sends to sound the disposition of those in power, after which he
can easily hang or save a criminal, strictly preserving all due
forms of law."
Here my master interposing, said, "it was a pity, that creatures
endowed with such prodigious abilities of mind, as these lawyers,
by the description I gave of them, must certainly be, were not.
rather encouraged to be instructors of others in wisdom and
knowledge." In answer to which I assured his honour, "that in all
points out of their own trade, they were usually the most ignorant
and stupid generation among us, the most despicable in common
conversation, avowed enemies to all knowledge and learning, and
equally disposed to pervert the general reason of mankind in
every other subject of discourse as in that of their own
profession.".
[A continuation of the state of England under Queen Anne. The
character of a first minister of state in European courts.]
My master was yet wholly at a loss to understand what motives
could incite this race of lawyers to perplex, disquiet, and weary
themselves, and engage in a confederacy of injustice, merely for
the sake of injuring their fellow-animals; neither could he
comprehend what I meant in saying, they did it for hire.
Whereupon I was at much pains to describe to him the use of
money, the materials it was made of, and the value of the metals;
"that when a YAHOO had got a great store of this precious
substance, he was able to purchase whatever he had a mind to; the
finest clothing, the noblest houses, great tracts of land, the most
costly meats and drinks, and have his choice of the most beautiful
females. Therefore since money alone was able to perform all
these feats, our YAHOOS thought they could never have enough
of it to spend, or to save, as they found themselves inclined, from
their natural bent either to profusion or avarice; that the rich man
enjoyed the fruit of the poor man's labour, and the latter were a
thousand to one in proportion to the former; that the bulk of our
people were forced to live miserably, by labouring every day for
small wages, to make a few live plentifully.".
I enlarged myself much on these, and many other particulars to
the same purpose; but his honour was still to seek; for he went
upon a supposition, that all animals had a title to their share in the
productions of the earth, and especially those who presided over
the rest. Therefore he desired I would let him know, "what these
costly meats were, and how any of us happened to want them?"
Whereupon I enumerated as many sorts as came into my head,
with the various methods of dressing them, which could not be
done without sending vessels by sea to every part of the world, as
well for liquors to drink as for sauces and innumerable other
conveniences. I assured him "that this whole globe of earth must
be at least three times gone round before one of our better female
YAHOOS could get her breakfast, or a cup to put it in." He said
"that must needs be a miserable country which cannot furnish
food for its own inhabitants. But what he chiefly wondered at was,
how such vast tracts of ground as I described should be wholly
without fresh water, and the people put to the necessity of sending
over the sea for drink." I replied "that England (the dear place of
my nativity) was computed to produce three times the quantity of
food more than its inhabitants are able to consume, as well as
liquors extracted from grain, or pressed out of the fruit of certain
trees, which made excellent drink, and the same proportion in
every other convenience of life. But, in order to feed the luxury
and intemperance of the males, and the vanity of the females, we
sent away the greatest part of our necessary things to other
countries, whence, in return, we brought the materials of diseases,
folly, and vice, to spend among ourselves. Hence it follows of
necessity, that vast numbers of our people are compelled to seek.
their livelihood by begging, robbing, stealing, cheating, pimping,
flattering, suborning, forswearing, forging, gaming, lying,
fawning, hectoring, voting, scribbling, star-gazing, poisoning,
whoring, canting, libelling, freethinking, and the like
occupations:" every one of which terms I was at much pains to
make him understand.
"That wine was not imported among us from foreign countries to
supply the want of water or other drinks, but because it was a sort
of liquid which made us merry by putting us out of our senses,
diverted all melancholy thoughts, begat wild extravagant
imaginations in the brain, raised our hopes and banished our fears,
suspended every office of reason for a time, and deprived us of the
use of our limbs, till we fell into a profound sleep; although it
must be confessed, that we always awaked sick and dispirited; and
that the use of this liquor filled us with diseases which made our
lives uncomfortable and short.
"But beside all this, the bulk of our people supported themselves
by furnishing the necessities or conveniences of life to the rich
and to each other. For instance, when I am at home, and dressed as
I ought to be, I carry on my body the workmanship of a hundred
tradesmen; the building and furniture of my house employ as
many more, and five times the number to adorn my wife."
I was going on to tell him of another sort of people, who get their
livelihood by attending the sick, having, upon some occasions,
informed his honour that many of my crew had died of diseases.
But here it was with the utmost difficulty that I brought him to.
apprehend what I meant. "He could easily conceive, that a
HOUYHNHNM, grew weak and heavy a few days before his
death, or by some accident might hurt a limb; but that nature, who
works all things to perfection, should suffer any pains to breed in
our bodies, he thought impossible, and desired to know the reason
of so unaccountable an evil."
I told him "we fed on a thousand things which operated contrary
to each other; that we ate when we were not hungry, and drank
without the provocation of thirst; that we sat whole nights
drinking strong liquors, without eating a bit, which disposed us to
sloth, inflamed our bodies, and precipitated or prevented
digestion; that prostitute female YAHOOS acquired a certain
malady, which bred rottenness in the bones of those who fell into
their embraces; that this, and many other diseases, were
propagated from father to son; so that great numbers came into the
world with complicated maladies upon them; that it would be
endless to give him a catalogue of all diseases incident to human
bodies, for they would not be fewer than five or six hundred,
spread over every limb and joint -in short, every part, external and
intestine, having diseases appropriated to itself. To remedy which,
there was a sort of people bred up among us in the profession, or
pretence, of curing the sick. And because I had some skill in the
faculty, I would, in gratitude to his honour, let him know the
whole mystery and method by which they proceed.
"Their fundamental is, that all diseases arise from repletion;
whence they conclude, that a great evacuation of the body is
necessary, either through the natural passage or upwards at the.
mouth. Their next business is from herbs, minerals, gums, oils,
shells, salts, juices, seaweed, excrements, barks of trees, serpents,
toads, frogs, spiders, dead men's flesh and bones, birds, beasts,
and fishes, to form a composition, for smell and taste, the most
abominable, nauseous, and detestable, they can possibly contrive,
which the stomach immediately rejects with loathing, and this
they call a vomit; or else, from the same store-house, with some
other poisonous additions, they command us to take in at the
orifice above or below (just as the physician then happens to be
disposed) a medicine equally annoying and disgustful to the
bowels; which, relaxing the belly, drives down all before it; and
this they call a purge, or a clyster. For nature (as the physicians
allege) having intended the superior anterior orifice only for the
intromission of solids and liquids, and the inferior posterior for
ejection, these artists ingeniously considering that in all diseases
nature is forced out of her seat, therefore, to replace her in it, the
body must be treated in a manner directly contrary, by
interchanging the use of each orifice; forcing solids and liquids in
at the anus, and making evacuations at the mouth.
"But, besides real diseases, we are subject to many that are only
imaginary, for which the physicians have invented imaginary
cures; these have their several names, and so have the drugs that
are proper for them; and with these our female YAHOOS are
always infested.
"One great excellency in this tribe, is their skill at prognostics,
wherein they seldom fail; their predictions in real diseases, when
they rise to any degree of malignity, generally portending death,.
which is always in their power, when recovery is not: and
therefore, upon any unexpected signs of amendment, after they
have pronounced their sentence, rather than be accused as false
prophets, they know how to approve their sagacity to the world,
by a seasonable dose.
"They are likewise of special use to husbands and wives who are
grown weary of their mates; to eldest sons, to great ministers of
state, and often to princes."
I had formerly, upon occasion, discoursed with my master upon
the nature of government in general, and particularly of our own
excellent constitution, deservedly the wonder and envy of the
whole world. But having here accidentally mentioned a minister
of state, he commanded me, some time after, to inform him, "what
species of YAHOO I particularly meant by that appellation."
I told him, "that a first or chief minister of state, who was the
person I intended to describe, was the creature wholly exempt
from joy and grief, love and hatred, pity and anger; at least, makes
use of no other passions, but a violent desire of wealth, power, and
titles; that he applies his words to all uses, except to the indication
of his mind; that he never tells a truth but with an intent that you
should take it for a lie; nor a lie, but with a design that you should
take it for a truth; that those he speaks worst of behind their backs
are in the surest way of preferment; and whenever he begins to
praise you to others, or to yourself, you are from that day forlorn..
The worst mark you can receive is a promise, especially when it is
confirmed with an oath; after which, every wise man retires, and
gives over all hopes.
"There are three methods, by which a man may rise to be chief
minister. The first is, by knowing how, with prudence, to dispose
of a wife, a daughter, or a sister; the second, by betraying or
undermining his predecessor; and the third is, by a furious zeal, in
public assemblies, against the corruption's of the court. But a wise
prince would rather choose to employ those who practise the last
of these methods; because such zealots prove always the most
obsequious and subservient to the will and passions of their
master. That these ministers, having all employments at their
disposal, preserve themselves in power, by bribing the majority of
a senate or great council; and at last, by an expedient, called an act
of indemnity" (whereof I described the nature to him), "they
secure themselves from after-reckonings, and retire from the
public laden with the spoils of the nation.
"The palace of a chief minister is a seminary to breed up others in
his own trade: the pages, lackeys, and porters, by imitating their
master, become ministers of state in their several districts, and
learn to excel in the three principal ingredients, of insolence,
lying, and bribery. Accordingly, they have a subaltern court paid
to them by persons of the best rank; and sometimes by the force of
dexterity and impudence, arrive, through several gradations, to be
successors to their lord..
"He is usually governed by a decayed wench, or favourite
footman, who are the tunnels through which all graces are
conveyed, and may properly be called, in the last resort, the
governors of the kingdom."
One day, in discourse, my master, having heard me mention the
nobility of my country, was pleased to make me a compliment
which I could not pretend to deserve: "that he was sure I must
have been born of some noble family, because I far exceeded in
shape, colour, and cleanliness, all the YAHOOS of his nation,
although I seemed to fail in strength and agility, which must be
imputed to my different way of living from those other brutes; and
besides I was not only endowed with the faculty of speech, but
likewise with some rudiments of reason, to a degree that, with all
his acquaintance, I passed for a prodigy."
He made me observe, "that among the HOUYHNHNMS, the
white, the sorrel, and the iron-gray, were not so exactly shaped as
the bay, the dapple-gray, and the black; nor born with equal talents
of mind, or a capacity to improve them; and therefore continued
always in the condition of servants, without ever aspiring to match
out of their own race, which in that country would be reckoned
monstrous and unnatural."
I made his honour my most humble acknowledgments for the
good opinion he was pleased to conceive of me, but assured him
at the same time, "that my birth was of the lower sort, having been
born of plain honest parents, who were just able to give me a
tolerable education; that nobility, among us, was altogether a.
different thing from the idea he had of it; that our young noblemen
are bred from their childhood in idleness and luxury; that, as soon
as years will permit, they consume their vigour, and contract
odious diseases among lewd females; and when their fortunes are
almost ruined, they marry some woman of mean birth,
disagreeable person, and unsound constitution (merely for the
sake of money), whom they hate and despise. That the
productions of such marriages are generally scrofulous, rickety, or
deformed children; by which means the family seldom continues
above three generations, unless the wife takes care to provide a
healthy father, among her neighbours or domestics, in order to
improve and continue the breed. That a weak diseased body, a
meagre countenance, and sallow complexion, are the true marks
of noble blood; and a healthy robust appearance is so disgraceful
in a man of quality, that the world concludes his real father to have
been a groom or a coachman. The imperfections of his mind run
parallel with those of his body, being a composition of spleen,
dullness, ignorance, caprice, sensuality, and pride.
"Without the consent of this illustrious body, no law can be
enacted, repealed, or altered: and these nobles have likewise the
decision of all our possessions, without appeal." (6).
[The author's great love of his native country. His master's
observations upon the constitution and administration of England,
as described by the author, with parallel cases and comparisons.
His master's observations upon human nature.]
The reader may be disposed to wonder how I could prevail on
myself to give so free a representation of my own species, among
a race of mortals who are already too apt to conceive the vilest
opinion of humankind, from that entire congruity between me and
their YAHOOS. But I must freely confess, that the many virtues
of those excellent quadrupeds, placed in opposite view to human
corruptions, had so far opened my eyes and enlarged my
understanding, that I began to view the actions and passions of
man in a very different light, and to think the honour of my own
kind not worth managing; which, besides, it was impossible for
me to do, before a person of so acute a judgment as my master,
who daily convinced me of a thousand faults in myself, whereof I
had not the least perception before, and which, with us, would
never be numbered even among human infirmities. I had likewise
learned, from his example, an utter detestation of all falsehood or
disguise; and truth appeared so amiable to me, that I determined
upon sacrificing every thing to it..
Let me deal so candidly with the reader as to confess that there
was yet a much stronger motive for the freedom I took in my
representation of things. I had not yet been a year in this country
before I contracted such a love and veneration for the inhabitants,
that I entered on a firm resolution never to return to humankind,
but to pass the rest of my life among these admirable
HOUYHNHNMS, in the contemplation and practice of every
virtue, where I could have no example or incitement to vice. But it
was decreed by fortune, my perpetual enemy, that so great a
felicity should not fall to my share. However, it is now some
comfort to reflect, that in what I said of my countrymen, I
extenuated their faults as much as I durst before so strict an
examiner; and upon every article gave as favourable a turn as the
matter would bear. For, indeed, who is there alive that will not be
swayed by his bias and partiality to the place of his birth?
I have related the substance of several conversations I had with
my master during the greatest part of the time I had the honour to
be in his service; but have, indeed, for brevity sake, omitted much
more than is here set down.
When I had answered all his questions, and his curiosity seemed
to be fully satisfied, he sent for me one morning early, and
commanded me to sit down at some distance (an honour which he
had never before conferred upon me). He said, "he had been very
seriously considering my whole story, as far as it related both to
myself and my country; that he looked upon us as a sort of
animals, to whose share, by what accident he could not
conjecture, some small pittance of reason had fallen, whereof we.
made no other use, than by its assistance, to aggravate our natural
corruptions, and to acquire new ones, which nature had not given
us; that we disarmed ourselves of the few abilities she had
bestowed; had been very successful in multiplying our original
wants, and seemed to spend our whole lives in vain endeavours to
supply them by our own inventions; that, as to myself, it was
manifest I had neither the strength nor agility of a common
YAHOO; that I walked infirmly on my hinder feet; had found out
a contrivance to make my claws of no use or defence, and to
remove the hair from my chin, which was intended as a shelter
from the sun and the weather: lastly, that I could neither run with
speed, nor climb trees like my brethren," as he called them, "the
YAHOOS in his country.
"That our institutions of government and law were plainly owing
to our gross defects in reason, and by consequence in virtue;
because reason alone is sufficient to govern a rational creature;
which was, therefore, a character we had no pretence to challenge,
even from the account I had given of my own people; although he
manifestly perceived, that, in order to favour them, I had
concealed many particulars, and often said the thing which was
not.
"He was the more confirmed in this opinion, because, he
observed, that as I agreed in every feature of my body with other
YAHOOS, except where it was to my real disadvantage in point of
strength, speed, and activity, the shortness of my claws, and some
other particulars where nature had no part; so from the
representation I had given him of our lives, our manners, and our.
actions, he found as near a resemblance in the disposition of our
minds." He said, "the YAHOOS were known to hate one another,
more than they did any different species of animals; and the
reason usually assigned was, the odiousness of their own shapes,
which all could see in the rest, but not in themselves. He had
therefore begun to think it not unwise in us to cover our bodies,
and by that invention conceal many of our deformities from each
other, which would else be hardly supportable. But he now found
he had been mistaken, and that the dissensions of those brutes in
his country were owing to the same cause with ours, as I had
described them. For if," said he, "you throw among five
YAHOOS as much food as would be sufficient for fifty, they will,
instead of eating peaceably, fall together by the ears, each single
one impatient to have all to itself; and therefore a servant was
usually employed to stand by while they were feeding abroad, and
those kept at home were tied at a distance from each other: that if
a cow died of age or accident, before a HOUYHNHNM could
secure it for his own YAHOOS, those in the neighbourhood would
come in herds to seize it, and then would ensue such a battle as I
had described, with terrible wounds made by their claws on both
sides, although they seldom were able to kill one another, for want
of such convenient instruments of death as we had invented. At
other times, the like battles have been fought between the
YAHOOS of several neighbourhoods, without any visible cause;
those of one district watching all opportunities to surprise the
next, before they are prepared. But if they find their project has
miscarried, they return home, and, for want of enemies, engage in
what I call a civil war among themselves..
"That in some fields of his country there are certain shining stones
of several colours, whereof the YAHOOS are violently fond: and
when part of these stones is fixed in the earth, as it sometimes
happens, they will dig with their claws for whole days to get them
out; then carry them away, and hide them by heaps in their
kennels; but still looking round with great caution, for fear their
comrades should find out their treasure." My master said, "he
could never discover the reason of this unnatural appetite, or how
these stones could be of any use to a YAHOO; but now he
believed it might proceed from the same principle of avarice
which I had ascribed to mankind. That he had once, by way of
experiment, privately removed a heap of these stones from the
place where one of his YAHOOS had buried it; whereupon the
sordid animal, missing his treasure, by his loud lamenting brought
the whole herd to the place, there miserably howled, then fell to
biting and tearing the rest, began to pine away, would neither eat,
nor sleep, nor work, till he ordered a servant privately to convey
the stones into the same hole, and hide them as before; which,
when his YAHOO had found, he presently recovered his spirits
and good humour, but took good care to remove them to a better
hiding place, and has ever since been a very serviceable brute."
My master further assured me, which I also observed myself, "that
in the fields where the shining stones abound, the fiercest and
most frequent battles are fought, occasioned by perpetual inroads
of the neighbouring YAHOOS.".
He said, "it was common, when two YAHOOS discovered such a
stone in a field, and were contending which of them should be the
proprietor, a third would take the advantage, and carry it away
from them both;" which my master would needs contend to have
some kind of resemblance with our suits at law; wherein I thought
it for our credit not to undeceive him; since the decision he
mentioned was much more equitable than many decrees among
us; because the plaintiff and defendant there lost nothing beside
the stone they contended for: whereas our courts of equity would
never have dismissed the cause, while either of them had any
thing left.
My master, continuing his discourse, said, "there was nothing that
rendered the YAHOOS more odious, than their undistinguishing
appetite to devour every thing that came in their way, whether
herbs, roots, berries, the corrupted flesh of animals, or all mingled
together: and it was peculiar in their temper, that they were fonder
of what they could get by rapine or stealth, at a greater distance,
than much better food provided for them at home. If their prey
held out, they would eat till they were ready to burst; after which,
nature had pointed out to them a certain root that gave them a
general evacuation.
"There was also another kind of root, very juicy, but somewhat
rare and difficult to be found, which the YAHOOS sought for with
much eagerness, and would suck it with great delight; it produced
in them the same effects that wine has upon us. It would make.
them sometimes hug, and sometimes tear one another; they would
howl, and grin, and chatter, and reel, and tumble, and then fall
asleep in the mud."
I did indeed observe that the YAHOOS were the only animals in
this country subject to any diseases; which, however, were much
fewer than horses have among us, and contracted, not by any ill-treatment
they meet with, but by the nastiness and greediness of
that sordid brute. Neither has their language any more than a
general appellation for those maladies, which is borrowed from
the name of the beast, and called HNEA-YAHOO, or YAHOO'S
EVIL; and the cure prescribed is a mixture of their own dung and
urine, forcibly put down the YAHOO'S throat. This I have since
often known to have been taken with success, and do here freely
recommend it to my countrymen for the public good, as an
admirable specific against all diseases produced by repletion.
"As to learning, government, arts, manufactures, and the like," my
master confessed, "he could find little or no resemblance between
the YAHOOS of that country and those in ours; for he only meant
to observe what parity there was in our natures. He had heard,
indeed, some curious HOUYHNHNMS observe, that in most
herds there was a sort of ruling YAHOO (as among us there is
generally some leading or principal stag in a park), who was
always more deformed in body, and mischievous in disposition,
than any of the rest; that this leader had usually a favourite as like
himself as he could get, whose employment was to lick his
master's feet and posteriors, and drive the female YAHOOS to his
kennel; for which he was now and then rewarded with a piece of.
ass's flesh. This favourite is hated by the whole herd, and
therefore, to protect himself, keeps always near the person of his
leader. He usually continues in office till a worse can be found;
but the very moment he is discarded, his successor, at the head of
all the YAHOOS in that district, young and old, male and female,
come in a body, and discharge their excrements upon him from
head to foot. But how far this might be applicable to our courts,
and favourites, and ministers of state, my master said I could best
determine."
I durst make no return to this malicious insinuation, which
debased human understanding below the sagacity of a common
hound, who has judgment enough to distinguish and follow the
cry of the ablest dog in the pack, without being ever mistaken.
My master told me, "there were some qualities remarkable in the
YAHOOS, which he had not observed me to mention, or at least
very slightly, in the accounts I had given of humankind." He said,
"those animals, like other brutes, had their females in common;
but in this they differed, that the she YAHOO would admit the
males while she was pregnant; and that the hes would quarrel and
fight with the females, as fiercely as with each other; both which
practices were such degrees of infamous brutality, as no other
sensitive creature ever arrived at.
"Another thing he wondered at in the YAHOOS, was their strange
disposition to nastiness and dirt; whereas there appears to be a
natural love of cleanliness in all other animals." As to the two
former accusations, I was glad to let them pass without any reply,.